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The object of my affection happens to be an ESTJ. There is a very intense attraction/pull to one another that is mutual. He is everything that I am looking for, but there seems to constantly be a hesitation to pursue anything serious. I don't know if it is common for ESTJ men to be afraid of serious/romantic relationships. I also understand that you can't base compatibility solely on personality type. What I would like to know is "what are ESTJ's take on INFP's", "What can you tell me about the relationship/dynamic" and "How can I learn to better communicate with him?". Thanks in advance!
 

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To answer the title: No.

You're conflicting people. Like literally the opposite.

I don't like INFPs. They are generally selfish, and other shit, just, I dunno, good luck with that.
 

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I'm an infp and have been married to an estj for over 25 years. It's hard. We love each other and are committed to each other, but we're so different I often feel there is no real understanding. Since being understood is important to me, I sometimes feel lonely. I don't think I'm selfish - often preoccupied with my own thoughts, but not selfish. I find I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself more and more as time passes, when it seems that a long-married couple would share more, not less. If we talk about things like the kids, plans for the week, finances, that's fine. But he just sort of looks at me blankly if I express strong emotion. So I don't usually show that side of myself anymore.
 

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I'm an infp and have been married to an estj for over 25 years. It's hard. We love each other and are committed to each other, but we're so different I often feel there is no real understanding. Since being understood is important to me, I sometimes feel lonely. I don't think I'm selfish - often preoccupied with my own thoughts, but not selfish. I find I keep my thoughts and feelings to myself more and more as time passes, when it seems that a long-married couple would share more, not less. If we talk about things like the kids, plans for the week, finances, that's fine. But he just sort of looks at me blankly if I express strong emotion. So I don't usually show that side of myself anymore.
This comment explains pretty much everything that can go wrong in a relationship between the two types. Our inferior Fi isn't exactly the best tool for processing emotional matters. From my experience with NF's, it's often extremely hard if not impossible for me to relate. After a while of conversing, I can get an intellectual understanding of the situation. But I hardly ever get it on an emotional level. It'd be reasonable to expect a devoted ESTJ to do their very best at trying to understand. But it can simply be too alien for us to handle.

It's for this reason that I'd rather not even try. I know what I'd need to do in order for a relationship between myself and an INFP to work, and I don't want to do that. To be honest, I don't think I could even if I tried. The two types just live in different worlds, so to speak. And these worlds are one bit too distant to mix well.
 

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It's hard for me to feel relaxed around ESTJs a lot of the time, but I have nothing against them. I mean they don't get me and I try to help them to understand me, but frankly I don't think I could ever be even close friends with an ESTJ. They just rub me the wrong way.
 

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"What can you tell me about the relationship/dynamic" and "How can I learn to better communicate with him?". Thanks in advance!
Read under EII-LSE section (don't mind that it says INFj for EII, socionics flips around j/p letters for introverts so INFP becomes INFj).

Making Dual Relationships Work

To answer the title: No.

You're conflicting people. Like literally the opposite.
Not true, these two types value the same functions, so they are very much alike underneath their exterior. In socionics this is one of the better relationship matches, described above under EII-LSE duality.
 

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They can make it work. It depends on how willing each party is to communicate with the other when the differences arise.

Don't sign off on the possibility of a relationship because of "what ifs."
 

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Awww... these replies make me so sad. :(

To the OP, if you are a socionics INFj, then yeah, I think it has a chance of working. I think both have to want it though. And that doesn't always happen even if you are duals. Tho, you do say the attraction's mutual, so...

If he's hesitating, maybe just ask him straight up what he thinks of what's going on between you two. How long has this dynamic been going on between you two? A month? Six months?
 
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I'm an INFP and my husband is an ESTJ. It is a difficult relationship sometimes. However, I feel we actually have grown from each other. He's my anchor and I'm his wings... Just don't tell him I said so ;) he'd call me corny (but I know him well enough that he actually enjoys my silliness just feels uncomfortable joining in) and that's ok with me. It did take a lot of time to realize that he DOES NOT think like me. If my feelings are hurt from something he says... Well I can get over expecting him to know or apologize. It's not going to happen... However all of a sudden ill notice he vacuumed and did the dishes. That's what he does when he wants to make me happy... Some chore or something. To me that's not how I show gratitude or how I apologize. But it's how he does. He's is also accepting of my absentminded ness and eventually forgives me for constantly asking him about his moods that he pretends not to have....
I promise though it works somehow.... I wouldn't change it for anything. I think the determining factor in any relationship is the same: respect and love for yourself first, then appreciation for the other. If your looking for happiness in someone else you will not have a happy ending. And in this relationship it's more important than ever not to depend on the other for happiness! My ENTJ has more of a heart than he's willing to admit to himself, and at the core of all of them seem to be a very good person. Someone who is scared to loose people so they never seem to want to get close to them... Although they will never admit that to themselves....
 

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My boyfriend is an ENTJ (are ENTJs and ESTJs similar? I'm still a noob to this) and our relationship was good in the beginning but now my heart is completely somewhere else and we're probably going to break up soon. An INFP + ESTJ relationship would most likely be worse.

So no. Just no. Way too opposite.
 

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I'm an INFP and my husband is an ESTJ. It is a difficult relationship sometimes. However, I feel we actually have grown from each other. He's my anchor and I'm his wings... Just don't tell him I said so ;) he'd call me corny (but I know him well enough that he actually enjoys my silliness just feels uncomfortable joining in) and that's ok with me. It did take a lot of time to realize that he DOES NOT think like me. If my feelings are hurt from something he says... Well I can get over expecting him to know or apologize. It's not going to happen... However all of a sudden ill notice he vacuumed and did the dishes. That's what he does when he wants to make me happy... Some chore or something. To me that's not how I show gratitude or how I apologize. But it's how he does. He's is also accepting of my absentminded ness and eventually forgives me for constantly asking him about his moods that he pretends not to have....
I promise though it works somehow.... I wouldn't change it for anything. I think the determining factor in any relationship is the same: respect and love for yourself first, then appreciation for the other. If your looking for happiness in someone else you will not have a happy ending. And in this relationship it's more important than ever not to depend on the other for happiness! My ENTJ has more of a heart than he's willing to admit to himself, and at the core of all of them seem to be a very good person. Someone who is scared to loose people so they never seem to want to get close to them... Although they will never admit that to themselves....
Beautiful post. Thank you for posting.
 

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Well, theoretically any two types can be in a relationship, so it could work. It won't be easy though. You better be one tough and persistent INFP who can take a lot of crap from people without getting hurt. And he better learn to be sensitive and imaginative, developing himself like crazy. Just prepare for a bumpy ride. But if you both are in love, and you work super hard (and go to counseling, etc) to understand each other, it can work. But you better be tough as nails, because ESTJs tend to step on people's toes...a lot. If it were an INFP guy and an ESTJ girl, then it would be a little easier, as most women tend to have a natural inborn sensitivity in them, whereas most guys don't. This factor makes most ESTJ men even less sensitive than ESTJ women, so it's food for thought (but there are exceptions). I have an ESTJ friend an an INFP friend, and the INFP drives the ESTJ crazy. They can take each other in small doses, but they don't relate well to one another.

Edit: It's not that ESTJ's don't necessarily care about people's feelings, but rather that they tend to speak their minds (being Te doms), and are known for stepping on people's toes. It's a common weakness that just requires maturity and extra attention to correct. I don't want to make them sound like horrible people, because they are certainly not, and they tend to get things done, which is a great strength. :)

Basically, I wish you the best of luck, but know what you're getting into is literally going to be difficult. And I'm almost positive that he's going to be the one wearing the pants, so if you were wanting to have that role, then sorry to burst your bubble...
Hope this helps.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Just wanted to thank everyone, so far for their input and help. It's greatly appreciated. To answer HKitty, this dynamic has been going on for a few years actually. I'm not definitely sure if he is an ESTJ, but after observing and interacting with him, it seems to fit. It definitely makes sense that he is, after reading up on duality. But finding out that he has been through a lot of abuse causes me to think he's afraid. It doesn't help me either since I've been through a lot as well personally. So we are both wounded in a sense. So not only is it a matter of duality, but other factors as well. He can be the most endearing person ever than something can tick him off and he has an uncontrollable temper. I really want to focus on the good in this guy and give him the benefit of the doubt, but is it really worth it?
 

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@mangosteen

:( IDK, maybe an ESTj could answer you better, at least to what he may be experiencing and thinking. BUT, if it's a relationship you want, it seems like you may not get it out of him, at least not for awhile. I guess it could be how much is it worth it to you? How long are you willing to wait?

I mean, you could try finding another ESTj, there are more out there, or even just find someone else, regardless of type. You say you've been through a lot too, maybe you need to focus on yourself, get some help with whatever it was you went through. From my experience, two unhealthy people do not make for a good relationship. This includes duals as well. An ex of mine was abused, severely, in his childhood, and like you, I focused on nothing but what was good in him, but it ate me up in the end because it was too much. I felt a lot guilt of for leaving him. I felt like I was abandoning him, but I was dying inside everyday that it continued.

IDK, it's your call in the end. Like I said, there a lot of other guys out there. After I met my first ESTj guy, I thought I'd never find someone like him again, that no one would ever make me feel the way he did.... but I did. And that same feeling, that same dynamic, that same "he's perfect in every way", it all was all there. Just something to think about.
 
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Thank you my friend. A lot of what you said makes sense. I hope I can get some ESTJ opinions on this too.
 

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@mangosteen your posts are tl;dr, could you please give me a list of questions that you have? I would be happy to answer questions, but I do not do well with vague or ambiguous questions.
 
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I could be wrong, but in my experience there is a reason an ESTJ hasn't responded. This isn't the kind of topic that feels important to them. I remember one time when my husband and I were just dating that I asked him how he would feel if I left (obviously we were arguing.... Something that does happen often) and his response was something like, "if feel like its time to move on". NOT the response I wanted!!!! But they are practical... He actually went on to explain a little (not something he does often). He said that if I don't want to be with him than then I don't want to be with him and that no words or actions can make someone love you that doesn't. ....I had never really looked at it that way.... I was only thinking about how I wanted to be important enough to someone that they would fight for me if they had to. But what he said.... Does make a good point, and kind of shows the differences in how we think. I think in possibilities and that if I want something ill never give up finding away to have it. He doesn't think like that. He thinks that if something is very unlikely you are wasting time and energy trying. And when it comes to getting truly close to another.... Well that is a huge risk for them and makes them uncomfortable anyways.
I think asINFP's we have this crazy ability to understand everyone else in the world but have a hard time knowing ourselves. I myself will often think I'm selfish or horrible sometimes for nothing the door open long enough for someone sometimes! And I always thought I wanted someone who understood me. Wanted to know my thoughts. Appriciated me. Romanced me..... But in reality I didn't. I wanted someone who would protect me, give me a different perspective, ground be, debate with me....

If you need someone to acknowledge mistakes, treat you the way you treat them, love all your friends and family (or even pretend to) than an ESTJ is not for you. They will not change. No matterhowclose you get. But it doesn't mean they don't love you. They just love differently. And they would leave in a heartbeat if they didn't want to be there (and have no problems telling you if they don't like you as well). They can get to know everything about you. They can even almost read your mind most of the time, but thoughtfulness is not something that is natural for them.
 

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@jennyleighbee, you have a severe misunderstanding of ESTJs, it seems. You're forming an opinion and directing someone else, who could be a very different INFP from you. Please stop making blanket statements, and remember that MBTI is not absolute, and that every ESTJ is different from the next.
 
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