ESTJ's and expressions of love

Yes I completely agree with your list. I am always the one remembering birthdays, remembering to give people presents and remembering special holidays. More than anything I love giving people gifts that I know they will just love, and usually ones that really surprise them! I love helping people or getting asked for advice. I'm not that good with comforting people, but I am good at telling them what the next approach might be. I also worry to death about people. If you are in pain, then I am in pain, and am constantly thinking about you and how I could help cheer you up (really what I want to do is just fix it and make it all better).

I have definitely made the mistake too of not noticing the other ways in which others tell me they care. Since I am constantly writing letters, emails, sending presents etc. I used to really expect the same. But I know that that is not the only way to show someone you care. And I have previously been really hard on people for that. But now that I've started to look for those little things i get in return I am much more open minded. My mom likes to remind me that my sister who is an INFP may not completely remember to get me gifts or anything, but she is constantly there to listen to me talk unendingly, which i'm very thankful for.

I am pretty much surrounded by F's and although I am not always able to show my love, they're constantly giving me hugs or touching my shoulder or something to show me that they care.

When it comes to expressing love towards a certain person, this is where it gets a bit difficult. I always imagine in my head how I'd show love and how I would show my feelings and be affectionate but in reality, it's different. I always go by actions than express it by words. Of course I'm also encouraged to verbally express my love for my family and friends. Other than that, I automatically respond to expressing my love as

"let's do something fun today and let me treat you"

or

"let me help you. I'll do everything while you sit back and relax"

or buying them what they would want under a reasonable price! I'm better at expressing love through online communication for some reason. I could give it some thought and know what to say versus in real, I don't have time to think and I'm always standing there and not know what to do. I always go back to "let me get them something" or do something nice for them.

My INTP friend said I'm a service-oriented lover, which I think is quite true.

I'm not wordy with my love. I prefer "walk the talk". I do little things to show that I care, like:

1. Give him an hour massage, from top to toe, until he felt asleep. And then I'll cover him with blanket and cuddles him. I love doing that while watching him asleep.
2. Make sure he gets his favorite breakfast every morning.
3. Folded his clothes.
4. Listen to his ramblings and vents.
5. Hug him from his back.
6. Sent him random emails, like asking "You know I love you, right?"
7. Bake chocolate cookies for his snack when he watch his favorite show (that I don't like).
8. Bring extra shirt for him when we went on outdoor activity, so if he did some activity like running or playing basketball and his shirt got dirty, I can offer him another clean shirt.
9. Put his little picture beside my computer at work.
10. Tell my friends who he is and how important is he for me.
    

I have definitely learned that with ESTJ's "actions speak louder than words." My husband can't always tell me what he is feeling, but he shows them with the little things he does. Luckily, I am very receptive to picking up on his emotions and what he's thinking. And I've learned over the years that even if the words aren't spoken, the feeling is there. It use to drive me insane early on in our relationship, when I could literally feel the emotions he wouldn't express. :crazy:

Hi ESTJ's

I'm one too, although I personally don't agree with what you're saying.

I think I do not express my feelings in any way. I just tell people abut them. :crazy:

Sorry for mistakes. I'm not English origin.

I definitely express my love through actions and gestures, doing things for people - like helping them with their problems, just by listening, giving them my shoulder to cry on, calling, emailing or texting to ask how they are, give them a hug if I sense they're upset, and tell them that if they want to talk about it then I am always here for them. I tend to be the one people turn to if they have a problem and want a heart to heart.
I like to make sure that their birthday celebrations are special in some way, like organising the meal out, find a present for them that means something - because I love looking at their faces when they're surpised and happy. I like coming up with ideas on where to go for a day out and have fun :happy:

The ESTJ I dated seemed to express love through acts of service (if you go based on the 5 love languages book for a category). So he would do stuff like help me move or fix something in my apartment, buy me dinner, plan out a special weekend trip, help me clean my car, etc. etc.
The other he would use was words of affirmation... which is something you may not naturally think for an ESTJ, but he seemed to need it. I never necessarily felt like he told me such sweet things cause I needed it, but because that's what he wanted me to do for him... by telling him he was great, a good worker, etc. etc. etc. It honestly kind of annoyed me sometimes when he'd constantly say that stuff to me because I don't need it so much... I'm happy with just sitting around chatting and having some quality time together.

I read the book and took the quiz, "The Seven Love Languages" and I scored highly on words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical affection. It makes sense, because I will only give credit where credit is due and I love doing things for people I care about in order to make things happen. I think my mother just raised me to be needy for physical attention. Works for me because I love being a massage therapist and people love getting massages. On the other hand, I hate it when people touch me without being invited to do so. Invading my space is a surefire way to get killed.

KrystRay said:

. On the other hand, I hate it when people touch me without being invited to do so. Invading my space is a surefire way to get killed.

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I totally agree that ESTJs like doing things for people they like. But if other type think they can show me their affection by touching me they have it all wrong :dry:
I would love to express my feeling in words but they just don't come out. I have found that writting my feelings is a good alternative.
And in case of anger it forces me to tone it down. Because when it is written you can not hide behind "But I did not mean it!"

laly37 said:

I totally agree that ESTJs like doing things for people they like. But if other type think they can show me their affection by touching me they have it all wrong :dry:
I would love to express my feeling in words but they just don't come out. I have found that writting my feelings is a good alternative.
And in case of anger it forces me to tone it down. Because when it is written you can not hide behind "But I did not mean it!"

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I had an ex boyfriend who hid behind texts. He was so arrogant that he would never say anything nice or compliment me to my face. He always hid behind texts. It means so much more when you say something. You're an E. It should come naturally for you to speak what you're thinking. Practice it. You'll get there and people will appreciate what you say more. That and you never want to have written evidence of what you're thinking. Blackmail written all over that!

KrystRay said:

I had an ex boyfriend who hid behind texts. He was so arrogant that he would never say anything nice or compliment me to my face. He always hid behind texts. It means so much more when you say something. You're an E. It should come naturally for you to speak what you're thinking. Practice it. You'll get there and people will appreciate what you say more. That and you never want to have written evidence of what you're thinking. Blackmail written all over that!

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It has nothing to do with arrogance. I am not demonstrative with loving feelings that is all.
I can easily express myself regarding everyday stuff. But when it comes to very close friend or family I assumed for a long time that they knew that I loved them until my Mum told me that she did not know. I was shocked. Everything in my behavior in my opinion showed her that I loved her.But I just can't say it out loud to her face. I am working on it. 3 weeks ago I said to my best friend how much I appreciated his company and it was the most ackward moment ever.
When it comes to men it is even worse. If I fancy someone there is no way I will go and flirt with them or even give inviting signals. But I can flirt with everyone I do not fancy. It is really annoying. The other week a guy was interested in me in a club, there were nothing wrong with him and he looked quite nice actually. And what did I do? I left the club. My friends laugh at me because of that.:crying:

It might be the Five Love Languages...

Practice telling people what they mean to you or what you think about them. I don't feel, so I have to tell people what I think about them. It makes your relationships with everyone better. But practice it, or it always will be awkward and people will always see you as emotionally unavailable. Try smiling at guys you like. They like that.

KrystRay said:

It might be the Five Love Languages...

Practice telling people what they mean to you or what you think about them. I don't feel, so I have to tell people what I think about them.

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Yes you do. Everyone "feels". I do, and I scored 95% T on that test you have on your signature, AND I have been improperly diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. Unless you have low-functioning autism, everybody experiences emotion. It's an ingrained, normal human (if not animal) thing. Has to do with the limbic system or whatnot. And I've seen your posts around, you definitely seem to "feel" angry a lot. :laughing: And anger is just as much of a feeling as sappy puppy love. You don't see furious computers, do you?

The point I'm trying to make is that a lot of you ESTJs waste a ton of energy trying to pretend that you are completely 100% unemotional, but you're obviously not, and it just makes you look constipated and awkward. The more you try to hide it, the more it shows up, and the worse it looks in the process. This is something that a lot of T's in general have issues with.

If you see your girl/boyfriend looking hot, just admit that you'd love to knock them down right then and there and RAVAGE them. If (s)he arrives late to a date, admit to him/her that it pissed you off that (s)he held you up for an hour when you could've been doing something else.

However, don't go overboard and start crying or singing poems. Leave that to the INFJs. :crazy: And yes, usually I do just have to PRETEND to be more feel-ish than is natural for me. It's just a part of being polite company.

My husband is an ESTJ, and he rarely thinks of planning a trip, even for a weekend. If we talk about a trip (I'm the one who brings it up) I have to do all the planning. Even though I'd rather just get up and go and see what happens, and he's the one who wants it all planned out, he expects ME to make all the plans. Figure out where we're going to go, map out the route, book the hotels. I would love it if he would say, hey, let's go on a trip next weekend, here are my ideas - - it will never happen. Ironically, he says I never come up with ideas of things to do, but it's largely because he shows so little interest, and expects me to do all the work. Then he never seems to have a good time and gets a distant look in his eyes.

He's not into gifts, either. Doesn't care to receive them, doesn't give them. Only gives Christmas gifts if he has an inspiration, and even then will insist he didn't give the gift because it was Christmas, but because he was inspired. It's like he refuses to let the date on the calendar tell him what to do, and is actually quite defensive about it.

Does not remember birthdays. My birthday was this week, and he told me happy birthday (easy to remember because his own birthday is the day after mine), but didn't get me a card or gift of any kind. I told a lady at work I bought myself a cake and she was flabbergasted that I had to buy my own cake. But I knew he wouldn't do it. I buy my own cake evey year. If I want something, I have to get it myself. Even when I tell him exactly what I want (not always easy for an INFP), he'll get me something different, or nothing at all. I've given up getting my hopes up or getting excited about "special" events. He has even told me he only got me a Christmas gift because he didn't want the kids to wonder why Mom didn't get any presents:sad:. This is kind of painful for me, being an INFP. But I've more or less gotten used to it over the years.

i don't think your husband loves you very much. if he is an ESTJ and doesn't want to do anything with you, then he doesn't love you. we love having people that love us around us. I am against Christmas too but I do show people I love them in other ways, I like baking cakes and it pleases me when my friends eat them.