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Discussion Starter #1
Hello,

As an ESTJ, have you ever found yourself gravitating toward a person and becoming emotionally attached, even when you know it is not helpful in the long term?

What do you do in these situations and what is your thought process when you decide to break it off? Do you get sad or do you move on easily?
 

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Hello,

As an ESTJ, have you ever found yourself gravitating toward a person and becoming emotionally attached, even when you know it is not helpful in the long term?

What do you do in these situations and what is your thought process when you decide to break it off? Do you get sad or do you move on easily?

Yes, I have.

Personally, I spent time thinking over the possible outcomes. I could either drag out the emotional attachment until it got ugly or I could end it and spend that time recovering and moving on. Either way it would emotionally suck, but at least one would be faster and have less pain to dish out in the long run.

When I made my decision, I ceased communicating with the person. Completely cut them out of my life.

I'm am still wistful and a little sad about it (this happened recently). But I'll get over it. I'd rather indulge the sad feelings on occasion and then get back up and move on rather than reverse my initial decision. I made that decision for a reason, and I haven't forgotten why.
 
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How would you approach the situation if you knew you were going to see the person frequently? (Due to the same circle of friends).

I'm going through this with an ESTJ I've been "seeing" for a year. We discussed how a relationship between us would not work due to his personal issues & both of our unwillingness to commit. Therefore, we recently ended any physical relationship and decided to take a couple weeks apart to move on and then become friends again.

However, it's frustrating how calm and collected he is (I'm a feeler), so the best way for me to gain closure is to understand his thought process.
 

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How would you approach the situation if you knew you were going to see the person frequently? (Due to the same circle of friends).

I'm going through this with an ESTJ I've been "seeing" for a year. We discussed how a relationship between us would not work due to his personal issues & both of our unwillingness to commit. Therefore, we recently ended any physical relationship and decided to take a couple weeks apart to move on and then become friends again.

However, it's frustrating how calm and collected he is (I'm a feeler), so the best way for me to gain closure is to understand his thought process.
I'm sure you know this, but I am not him, so what I think isn't necessarily a match for what he's thinking. MBTI is about how we take in information, not how we react to it.

That said, I would also be calm and collected. If we both agreed to end the relationship and move on, what's the point of being emotional about it? It only fosters drama and prevents the clean break from happening.
 
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True. Would you carry this composure if you were constantly thrown in social situations with this person? Or would you most likely try to avoid the person entirely?

I understand reactions are different, but I also like hearing your thought process behind the actions taken.
 

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Both ESTJ's I know went through a similar situation and ended up avoiding the other person.

Not like they went out of their way or made it noticeable to ignore them but, went about their day paying no mind to them. One said they "didn't care" and he really seemed like it didn't phase him at all (seeing his ex) and the other kept saying "it was awkward" because his ex kept trying to talk to him.
 

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True. Would you carry this composure if you were constantly thrown in social situations with this person? Or would you most likely try to avoid the person entirely?

I understand reactions are different, but I also like hearing your thought process behind the actions taken.
If I could avoid these interactions where possible, I would. If not, I would limit the amount of times I addressed the person directly or communicated with them in a group setting.

I have a relative I don't like (so slightly different situation), and when I am at family get togethers I pay no attention to them and focus on others who are present. By pay no attention I mean I do the bare minimal work required for civility (such as saying hello) and then go about as if they were not there. Not in a passive aggressive way, as this isn't about getting a reaction. It's about minimizing our interactions so I can live my life free of this person and the emotions associated with them.

If my emotions were too strong to handle diplomatically, I would completely avoid the person until I felt I had things under control.
 

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This makes sense.

It’s been very difficult to comprehend why he’s been acting distant and avoiding me entirely, although we’ve been trying to remain friends. As an ESFP, I am able to brush off the negative emotions and act friendly without expecting anything more or getting attached.

Also as a feeler, I didn’t understand why he was so calm about the break, and interpreted that composure as him not caring about the relationship at all. I’m beginning to comprehend the different thought processes of you Thinkers.

Thank you, your responses have helped me process the situation and gain some closure.
 

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This makes sense.

It’s been very difficult to comprehend why he’s been acting distant and avoiding me entirely, although we’ve been trying to remain friends. As an ESFP, I am able to brush off the negative emotions and act friendly without expecting anything more or getting attached.

Also as a feeler, I didn’t understand why he was so calm about the break, and interpreted that composure as him not caring about the relationship at all. I’m beginning to comprehend the different thought processes of you Thinkers.

Thank you, your responses have helped me process the situation and gain some closure.
Glad this was of help. Best of luck with your situation. Feel free to ask any other questions you may have.
 

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I am good at avoiding people if I want to, and yes, I have felt this way. Even if I like them I'll avoid them, especially if I have said I would.
 

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This makes sense.

It’s been very difficult to comprehend why he’s been acting distant and avoiding me entirely, although we’ve been trying to remain friends. As an ESFP, I am able to brush off the negative emotions and act friendly without expecting anything more or getting attached.

Also as a feeler, I didn’t understand why he was so calm about the break, and interpreted that composure as him not caring about the relationship at all. I’m beginning to comprehend the different thought processes of you Thinkers.

Thank you, your responses have helped me process the situation and gain some closure.
Being calm is not a thinker trait. I think it has more to do with the concept of enneagram. For example, I can be pretty apathetic for an ESFP, because I'm an enneagram 5. Enneagram 5s cope with situations by detaching emotionally. Whereas an ESFP enneagram 2 may have a different coping mechanism.

I think if you need to understand this particular difference, you will have to look at the concept of enneagram.
 
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