ESTJ's - In your life what is your biggest problem?

kept81213 said:

hmmm that is a very good question. There are a couple things I really struggle with.

Impatience is probably a good one. I tend to like to make really fast decisions and they are often rash ones as well. I get very frustrated when people cant come to a conclusion, and especially with decisions that are stressful, I tend to get more upset the more time I spend coming to a conclusion.

Speaking with my head most of the time instead of my heart also is a struggle. I often then seem overly critical, and not very friendly. I say things in such a non-feeling way sometimes that especially for my F friends this really may hurt their feelings. The extroverted thinking part of me also doesn't make me a very good listener a lot of the time, so I have been trying really hard to listen more carefully before responding.

Control. Most personality profiles talk about this, and I have to say it is something I struggle with. It frustrates me when I think people aren't doing what I consider the right thing. This isn't everything, but many things. Especially when I think someone I care about is in danger, I get so nervous because if I can't stop them I am totally out of control, which then often leads me to say things that can be hurtful, or do a ton of yelling, and then tell them that they're wrong and stupid or a bad person for doing what they did. This is something I have been trying the hardest to stop because it makes me stressed and it makes the people i love upset and it's just a horrible cycle I dont really want to be a part of anymore.

Opposed to change may be one, but I have been surrounded by P's for most of my life and so they have really taught me to take more risks.

I like that you want to learn so you can grow as a person. That is exactly what learning all this stuff did for me. It's so amazing.

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kept81213 said:

Well I can answer this with absolute assurance because my sister is an INFP and so we are constantly getting into fights. I will therefore clue you in on something most people don't know about guardians.

Obviously we are incredibly loyal, and I would say our main mission in life is to care for and protect the people we love. Therefore, to have someone that we care about, and it doesnt even have to be in the family, or a best friend, just someone we have a connection with, say that we are hurting them is a killer. I myself get kind of teary, which doesnt happen as often, if this happens because to me it means that I am not doing a good job caring for this person if i am hurting them. So absolutely tell them exactly that it hurts your feelings and really say it with a lot of confidence. The moment somebody tells me specifically that whatever i did hurt them I almost never do it again. Of course it has to be a specific thing because saying yelling is a little hard to stop all together. But my sister one time told me it hurt her when i called her stupid, and so I stopped saying it all together. We still get into fights all the time, but the more she tells me these things the more i can change myself so that at least in the heat of the argument I'm not saying things i dont mean that hurt her.

Not all guardians can change as easily, but the ones that I know at least are completely willing to change a phrase to make sure the other person doesnt get hurt. Often we say things that we don't even realize may hurt someone, so telling us is actually a huge help! Plus we appreciate people who are very straightforward.

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kept81213 said:

Ya, my mom is an ENFP, so my sister and I are close I'm assuming because of her. She is constantly trying to make me more open and feeling and less controlling, which is nice to have. My sister also was in a lot of trouble when she was little and so I was constantly worried about her, but in high school she grew up some and realized that the things she was doing weren't safe for her. She's the younger one too, so we often fell into the role of her being the child and me being parent-like which is not healthy for siblings. When she became more of an adult, and I became her sister instead of her parent, we became best friends. She has this way about her that i never noticed before because I was so worried that then i was trying so hard to control her that i didn't notice who she was. She has a great empathy for people that i just never had, and although she isn't very timely, or decisive or tells us how she feels as often, she has the ability to see what i cant about people and so i am careful to listen more to her about these things.

I think this personality stuff really allows people to realize why it is that they are the way they are. And then allows them to know what they should focus in on and try to change about themselves.

Also with him, he may talk a lot, I know I do, so my sister always tells me she needs quiet time. And I just realized another one of our problems is the black and white thing. It makes us unchanging and unspontaneous and unwilling to listen to what others have to say. And it wasn't until I realized i was hurting so many people with my harsh tongue that I tried to step back and fix this too.

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desertrose0601 said:

This is a fascinating topic. I myself am an INFP and my sister is an ESTJ. We've always had a hot/cold relationship, although I'd hoped we were getting along a bit better in recent years. Unfortunately she seems to be getting more and more caustic to me lately, seemingly out of the blue. Maybe you're right that she's just trying to "help" me by pointing out my "flaws" but it's really hurtful! It seems to make matters worse when I tell her she's hurting my feelings. She says she's constantly walking on eggshells around me as it is, which was never my intention.

I try to explain myself to her, that I can't always do social things b/c it wears me out. She takes this personally and thinks of it as proof that I don't like or respect her. She says she goes out of her way to include me in things even though it's difficult for her. I don't want to be included in something out of pity! If she (or anyone) says they want to be around me, I take that at face value and enjoy being with them. To me, big parties and events don't fall into this category b/c there's no quality time being spent anyway (aka: one-on-one time).

Still, my sister doesn't seem to make this distinction and seems to be increasingly frustrated at my constantly inviting her to small gatherings when I also constantly refrain from joining her at large ones. She says I'm being hypocritical. I'm just trying to find a way to connect w/ her! It is very hard to know what to say to her, as every time I try to be truthful and honest, she uses it against me or says that I'm being weak and selfish for not going along w/ her plans.

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desertrose0601 said:

Yes I agree, even though I do love spending time with her (when we're getting along, that is). Unfortunately holidays seem to bring out the worst between us, especially when we are trying to work together to plan a family get-together. She seems to think it's her place to "straighten me out" in my "hurtful ways". I really don't know what I ever did to her to make her hate me so much. Why can't she just be pleasant and nice to be around?

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desertrose0601 said:

It's hard to know what to do. I posted another topic in here explaining more about my current situation (although this forum doesn't seem to let me post a link to it). Lately she has been attacking me via email about things that I didn't even know I was doing to bother her. It's very frustrating.

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desertrose0601 said:

Wow that seems really harsh! We got into a fight a few years back where it ended w/ her saying she never wanted me to speak to her again. So I obliged her even though it killed me. I figured if she needed her space, then I was obligated to give it to her. About 6 months later we finally started speaking again and she said it had hurt her deeply that I didn't speak to her all that time... even though she'd told me that's what she wanted me to (not) do!

The thing that seems to drive her the most nuts about me is that she thinks I am only looking out for my own best interest. I'm not sure how telling her that that's exactly what I'm doing (even though I'm not) would help things. Wouldn't that make her hate me even more?

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