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ESTJ's - In your life what is your biggest problem?

3793 Views 20 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Blue Butterfly
For each personality type I would like to know What do you struggle with the most in life? Problems you try to overcome but seem to never find that perfect solution? Please answer only in your personality type. I want to learn more about each type so I can grow as a person.

For me as an INFP, my biggest problem is extreme difficulties dealing with other people. I have very intense emotions that makes life very difficult at times.
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hmmm that is a very good question. There are a couple things I really struggle with.

Impatience is probably a good one. I tend to like to make really fast decisions and they are often rash ones as well. I get very frustrated when people cant come to a conclusion, and especially with decisions that are stressful, I tend to get more upset the more time I spend coming to a conclusion.

Speaking with my head most of the time instead of my heart also is a struggle. I often then seem overly critical, and not very friendly. I say things in such a non-feeling way sometimes that especially for my F friends this really may hurt their feelings. The extroverted thinking part of me also doesn't make me a very good listener a lot of the time, so I have been trying really hard to listen more carefully before responding.

Control. Most personality profiles talk about this, and I have to say it is something I struggle with. It frustrates me when I think people aren't doing what I consider the right thing. This isn't everything, but many things. Especially when I think someone I care about is in danger, I get so nervous because if I can't stop them I am totally out of control, which then often leads me to say things that can be hurtful, or do a ton of yelling, and then tell them that they're wrong and stupid or a bad person for doing what they did. This is something I have been trying the hardest to stop because it makes me stressed and it makes the people i love upset and it's just a horrible cycle I dont really want to be a part of anymore.

Opposed to change may be one, but I have been surrounded by P's for most of my life and so they have really taught me to take more risks.

I like that you want to learn so you can grow as a person. That is exactly what learning all this stuff did for me. It's so amazing. :)
Yes I agree, we need to learn more about each other. ESTJ's are my total opposite. Your post has helped me so very much. I think you from the bottom of my overly emotional heart for telling me what you did. I think from now on I can be much more understanding of ESTJ's.

I have a question for you? If say someone like me (an overly emotional INFP) was interacting with you and you got upset and said something hurtful how would you best like me to respond to you? Would you like me to stand up to you say you hurt me or would you prefer me to just let it pass without making an issue out of it?
Well I can answer this with absolute assurance because my sister is an INFP and so we are constantly getting into fights. I will therefore clue you in on something most people don't know about guardians.

Obviously we are incredibly loyal, and I would say our main mission in life is to care for and protect the people we love. Therefore, to have someone that we care about, and it doesnt even have to be in the family, or a best friend, just someone we have a connection with, say that we are hurting them is a killer. I myself get kind of teary, which doesnt happen as often, if this happens because to me it means that I am not doing a good job caring for this person if i am hurting them. So absolutely tell them exactly that it hurts your feelings and really say it with a lot of confidence. The moment somebody tells me specifically that whatever i did hurt them I almost never do it again. Of course it has to be a specific thing because saying yelling is a little hard to stop all together. But my sister one time told me it hurt her when i called her stupid, and so I stopped saying it all together. We still get into fights all the time, but the more she tells me these things the more i can change myself so that at least in the heat of the argument I'm not saying things i dont mean that hurt her.

Not all guardians can change as easily, but the ones that I know at least are completely willing to change a phrase to make sure the other person doesnt get hurt. Often we say things that we don't even realize may hurt someone, so telling us is actually a huge help! Plus we appreciate people who are very straightforward.

That is awesome to know that I can just say that! I am currently in a new relationship with an ESTJ man and so far he has not said or did anything to hurt me. It is also good to know about your loyalty. I never knew that about ESTJ's before. You guys must really care about other people. I think I found a whole new respect for my opposite personality type today.
Aww good. So many people see the harsh exterior we have, but everything is based around caring for people. The controlling behavior is all about protecting those who seem to be in harms way. Its not a good way to handle it i know. And same thing with the criticism. We think that we are actually being helpful by telling you all the ways that you are wrong straight up. Again, doesn't make much sense, but we're not as good with emotions and so everything comes out all "thinkingish" instead of with feelings.

You kind of have to think of us like chow dogs. We definitely have a bite and a bark, but we are incredibly loyal to those who capture our hearts.

My sister would say to watch out for the controlling part, she hates that, but she knows i care so she'll just say "stop bossing me around you cant control everything i do, even if you care a lot". The impatience will have to be a compromise thing. She and i got in a fight today because I was planning things and she couldn't decide whether she wanted to come or not but the plans kind of revolved around whether she came or not so that made me very anxious. But those things are really not that big of a deal.

Just like my relationship with her made both of us grow a ton, you may definitely learn a lot from him.
I think I have been focusing on that harsh exterior all my life. I had know several ESFJ's and we did not get along at all. And some of them claimed that were just trying to help me ti improve. But I saw it as abusive. Maybe they did care after all. And the controlling part has always been hard for me to deal with too. I get irritable pretty fast if I feel like I am being controlled. But from you guys view that controlling seems to be just a way of showing how much you do care. That is awesome to know that.

I can see that you are very understanding and I like that a lot. I think one of my sisters is an ESTJ too. She says she cares but has always had that controlling and harshly critical way about her. We never got along in the least growing up. I wish I had known about personality types back then. We may have a good relationship by now.
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Ya, my mom is an ENFP, so my sister and I are close I'm assuming because of her. She is constantly trying to make me more open and feeling and less controlling, which is nice to have. My sister also was in a lot of trouble when she was little and so I was constantly worried about her, but in high school she grew up some and realized that the things she was doing weren't safe for her. She's the younger one too, so we often fell into the role of her being the child and me being parent-like which is not healthy for siblings. When she became more of an adult, and I became her sister instead of her parent, we became best friends. She has this way about her that i never noticed before because I was so worried that then i was trying so hard to control her that i didn't notice who she was. She has a great empathy for people that i just never had, and although she isn't very timely, or decisive or tells us how she feels as often, she has the ability to see what i cant about people and so i am careful to listen more to her about these things.

I think this personality stuff really allows people to realize why it is that they are the way they are. And then allows them to know what they should focus in on and try to change about themselves.

Also with him, he may talk a lot, I know I do, so my sister always tells me she needs quiet time. And I just realized another one of our problems is the black and white thing. It makes us unchanging and unspontaneous and unwilling to listen to what others have to say. And it wasn't until I realized i was hurting so many people with my harsh tongue that I tried to step back and fix this too.
I wish everyone was like you and tried to improve themselves. I think we can learn so much from each other if we try to. Then we can become a much more balanced as people.

And INFP's do need their alone time. It is necessary for us to stay mentally healthy. I would go nuts if I had to be around people all the time. I know with these threads I made I am learning so much about people.
This is a fascinating topic. I myself am an INFP and my sister is an ESTJ. We've always had a hot/cold relationship, although I'd hoped we were getting along a bit better in recent years. Unfortunately she seems to be getting more and more caustic to me lately, seemingly out of the blue. Maybe you're right that she's just trying to "help" me by pointing out my "flaws" but it's really hurtful! It seems to make matters worse when I tell her she's hurting my feelings. She says she's constantly walking on eggshells around me as it is, which was never my intention.

I try to explain myself to her, that I can't always do social things b/c it wears me out. She takes this personally and thinks of it as proof that I don't like or respect her. She says she goes out of her way to include me in things even though it's difficult for her. I don't want to be included in something out of pity! If she (or anyone) says they want to be around me, I take that at face value and enjoy being with them. To me, big parties and events don't fall into this category b/c there's no quality time being spent anyway (aka: one-on-one time).

Still, my sister doesn't seem to make this distinction and seems to be increasingly frustrated at my constantly inviting her to small gatherings when I also constantly refrain from joining her at large ones. She says I'm being hypocritical. I'm just trying to find a way to connect w/ her! It is very hard to know what to say to her, as every time I try to be truthful and honest, she uses it against me or says that I'm being weak and selfish for not going along w/ her plans.
I have an ESTJ sister too so I know what you are going through. I find it best we have as little contact as possible then we get along much better.
Yes I agree, even though I do love spending time with her (when we're getting along, that is). Unfortunately holidays seem to bring out the worst between us, especially when we are trying to work together to plan a family get-together. She seems to think it's her place to "straighten me out" in my "hurtful ways". I really don't know what I ever did to her to make her hate me so much. Why can't she just be pleasant and nice to be around?

Try abandoning them for 20 years. they would act like my sister and constantly seek you out for association. and then ignore them 75 percent of the time. The will get the hint then. That is what I did with my sisters. If they don't like me then ok by me. I will move on somewhere else.
It's hard to know what to do. I posted another topic in here explaining more about my current situation (although this forum doesn't seem to let me post a link to it). Lately she has been attacking me via email about things that I didn't even know I was doing to bother her. It's very frustrating.

That is the way my ESTJ sister did to me. Nothing I could do was right in her eyes. To be honest I have never been able to make a relationship work with any ESTJ. I have tried by they are just to bossy for me to deal with. And I don't deal with being bossed around very well at all. I tend to tell them where to sick their opinions. And it is not a place where the sun ever shines either. Maybe other INFP's have had better ways to deal with the ESTJ crushing heals.
Yeah exactly! Bossy is a good way to put it. It's like they think they know the only way to do something and that we are being difficult by not seeing that. Don't they realize how crushing that type of thinking can be? I never mind hearing someone else's point of view, but it's very difficult for me to be around someone that won't listen to my point of view in return. Every ESTJ I've met seems to think they have all the answers; they're logical and I'm not, so therefore I must be wrong.

It's thoroughly frustrating to not be able to actually be close w/ my sister because of this. The more I try to be close emotionally, the more prickly she becomes. Ironically, when I try to pull away to keep the peace, she also becomes prickly, saying this is proof that I am just looking out for my own best interests and that I clearly hate her. It's a no win situation.

That is the way it is with my sister too. Next time she says those kinds of things to you tell her that you are you are looking out only for your own interest. And then look her in the eyes with the meanest way you can and tell her you do hate her. I know you wont mean it but she will not know that. That will let he know you will no longer be controlled by her every again. After the initial shock and a little bit of trying to beat around on you she will then try to seek you out for companionship. This process may take months but will be well worth it. I have leaned that is what ESTJ's was is to control everyone and everything. But they have been around long enough to know who they can control and who they can't. It is just a matter of retraining them. After all she needs you more than you need her.
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Wow that seems really harsh! We got into a fight a few years back where it ended w/ her saying she never wanted me to speak to her again. So I obliged her even though it killed me. I figured if she needed her space, then I was obligated to give it to her. About 6 months later we finally started speaking again and she said it had hurt her deeply that I didn't speak to her all that time... even though she'd told me that's what she wanted me to (not) do!

The thing that seems to drive her the most nuts about me is that she thinks I am only looking out for my own best interest. I'm not sure how telling her that that's exactly what I'm doing (even though I'm not) would help things. Wouldn't that make her hate me even more?

I don't know her or you to know for sure but what it sounds like is the is using that to control you. She knows you do look out for you and her and everyone else. But she also knows that by saying those mean and hateful thing is it going to hurt you. That is the way it was with my sister too. Anything and everything she could use to hurt or control me with she would. I am to the point now that if she died it don't think I would lose a single tear for her. She has don't to much damage for me to care about her anymore. If you can find a way to get make her know she can't control you without going to my extremes it would be better. Maybe other INFP's have a less harsh way of dealing with the situation.
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