ESTJ's relationship needs??

California217 said:

Would love to revive this thread - if new ESTJs want to put their 2-cents in

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Sure, why not. If someone is actually still interested.

First let me say that not everyone of the same type has the needs as far as love and relationships are concerned. Heard of the 5 love languages? Different people express and receive love differently. For me, my primary love language is Acts of Service. This means that is how I receive/understand as well as give. I need someone who understands my Acts of Service as my way of showing them I care even if I don't say it.

Just for reference, my scores on the 5 love languages:
Acts of Service - 9
Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch - 7
Quality Time - 6
Gifts - 1

A really good example of this would be Lucy's relationship to Linus (Peanuts) specifically as seen in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! Lucy basically bullies Linus all the time and never seems care for him at all. But when he spends the whole night out in the pumpkin patch, Lucy sets her alarm for 3 or 4am just to get up and drag him to bed so he doesn't spend the whole night out in the cold.

(I have seen Lucy typed as ESTJ, so this is probably more related to the fact that I'm an ESTJ.)

I also need to know that what I am doing for others is not going unnoticed but is, in fact, appreciated. Especially when an ESTJ feels stressed they begin to feel undervalued and that everyone takes them for granted and doesn't actually know how much the ESTJ is doing or feels like they are doing. Hearing from others that something they did is appreciated, or just hearing from others in general that they notice what the ESTJ is doing and are grateful for it is one of the best things for an ESTJ. It also is for me. This would explain my score on Words of Affirmation. I am not good at knowing what people are thinking at all. I have practically no intuition or anything. I need to be told things directly.

Now, Fi is tricky. Especially since it's inferior. Generally when I am really "feeling" whether it is good or bad (ex: I feel loved or I feel depressed), I tend to want to crawl in a corner into what I call my Fi bubble. I don't want to talk, and I don't particularly want others to talk to me. But I don't want to be alone either. Sometimes just the physical presence of someone else is more than enough. It's not easy to be comfortable with silence, but it's one of those traits that is invaluable in a best friend or boyfriend or whatever the case may be. Sometimes I just want to be held and don't want to talk about my feelings. Actually, I almost never like talking about my feelings.

I understand this can cause problems since the other person doesn't always know what I'm feeling when I don't tell them, and I often don't look like what I'm feeling. Actually just last night my INTP boyfriend told me that often when I'm about to cry, I look like I want to hit someone. This also explains the miscommunication my mom and I frequently had while I was growing up. She always thought I was just completely rebellious and never wanted to listen to anything she had to say when often just the opposite was true. I was just trying to hold myself together and keep from crying. And apparently that makes me look like I want to hit someone.

I hope this is somewhat helpful?