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My ex is ESTP male, I'm ENTJ female.

My ex and I dated last academic year and have been broken up for over half a year. It was quite messy and he blocked me off everything. Eventually I moved on and he left for his year abroad halfway around the world (literally).

I'd been doing fine when he suddenly unblocked me off everything lately and send me a fairly long message saying that he knows I probably didn't want to hear from him, but that he wanted to say he was sorry for how he was towards me when we broke up, he had been thinking about it because we had dated this time last year and he didn't expect a reply but wanted to say something in case it made a difference to me.

I replied saying I had moved on and was very happy now and that I would have much rather appreciated this months ago. I asked him why he was doing this over 6 months later. He responds after a few days that he doesn't know, he was just thinking back over the year and wanted to apologise in case it gave me a sense of comfort that he felt bad for hurting me.

I respond that it doesn't but suggest in future to get in touch sooner with the next person. He said he thought I might say that but wanted to try anyway, thanked me for hearing him out and wished me well.

Did he have ulterior motives or was this just an apology for how he behaved?
 

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@A.L.L.Y Hard to say. I have reached out to apologize to someone when I felt I had overreacted to something he said. I had no ulterior motive and was genuinely reaching out just to apologize. Perhaps that is the same with him. I don't know about other ESTPs but I mean what I say and say what I mean. Usually if I want to rekindle something, I just say so. I may feel the person out first, and perhaps that was what he was doing. It sounds like it since he said that he "wanted to try anyway."

You probably won't hear from him again since you told him that you had moved on. I will say that your words can be perceived as a guilt trip, at least they do to this ESTP, and ESTPs don't take well to that.

In any case, you said that you had moved on so why does it matter?
 

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i can relate. i've reached out to ex-gf's or flings from up to 6 or 7 years in the past to apologize for an arguement. no intention other than apology, for me at least.

takes us a while to process emotion sometimes :) (read;always)
 

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Glad to see another ENTJ, Fe users often feel more remorse than us Fi users.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@A.L.L.Y Hard to say. I have reached out to apologize to someone when I felt I had overreacted to something he said. I had no ulterior motive and was genuinely reaching out just to apologize. Perhaps that is the same with him. I don't know about other ESTPs but I mean what I say and say what I mean. Usually if I want to rekindle something, I just say so. I may feel the person out first, and perhaps that was what he was doing. It sounds like it since he said that he "wanted to try anyway."

You probably won't hear from him again since you told him that you had moved on. I will say that your words can be perceived as a guilt trip, at least they do to this ESTP, and ESTPs don't take well to that.

In any case, you said that you had moved on so why does it matter?
I'm not sure. I thought I was totally over it - haven't thought about him in months, dated other people, generally doing fine. But his reappearance brings some confusing feelings. I know this is bad for me and I don't want to rekindle it, but it feels... sad? In a way. We ended pretty badly and there's nothing he could ever really do to make up for that.
 

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I guess I did feel remorse, but not after over 6 months time. It's the amount of time that's passed that's confusing for me.
Id honestly test the waters with him, you win either way imo.
 

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Id honestly test the waters with him, you win either way imo.
I'm trying to wall myself off before anything happens again tbh. Sent him a photo of something I made when we broke up that was based on something mean that he said, which has empowered me since, and that he shouldn't do that to anyone else in future. ESTPs are too smooth to risk. xSTPs in general are just my weakness aha
 

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We ended pretty badly and there's nothing he could ever really do to make up for that.
Well, then what's the point? If getting back together with you means that he is going to spend the rest of his life trying to make you happy while you're still holding a grudge, it sounds like a losing battle for him. That will get old fast. ESTPs like to simply enjoy life and that doesn't sound like any fun.

Sent him a photo of something I made when we broke up that was based on something mean that he said, which has empowered me since, and that he shouldn't do that to anyone else in future.
Seriously? Sorry, but I'm surprised this guy even bothered to contact you after a stunt like that. Methinks that either he did mean to just apologize or he's lonely and/or horny and doesn't have any other prospects right now. Avoid each other. It's a losing battle for both of you, IMO.
 

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I'm not an ESTP but honestly to me it just sounds like he felt guilty about hurting you and wanted to apologize. As for the long wait, maybe he felt uncomfortable/ashamed and put it off. He might have thought about reaching out months ago but only got up the courage (i.e. ran out of excuses) recently. Or, something happened to him that made him see things in a new light. I don't think the time gap is a reason to question his motives.

My reasons for thinking it's a genuine apology:

1. It was lengthy, meaning it took some time and effort
2. He didn't just randomly send it whenever, like he might if he was just horny/desperate. It's around the time of year when you guys broke up, which to me implies he was actually thinking about the breakup like he said.
3. "he knows I probably didn't want to hear from him" <- He thought about how this might play out, and he's feeling self-conscious, not at all confident. At the very least, he's projecting that image.
4. "he didn't expect a reply but wanted to say something in case it made a difference to me" <- More self-consciousness. He's humbling himself by saying he doesn't expect a reply. Normally if you write a long letter to somebody you feel entitled to a reply, because you put in effort. He's saying he doesn't deserve to gain anything from that effort, because he wronged you. This suggests he actually does feel remorse for his actions.
5. "thanked me for hearing him out and wished me well" <- That's a polite thing you don't normally say to your peers. He's trying hard not to offend you again.
 
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