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Discussion Starter #1
My boyfriend and I recently broke up (about a month ago) - at first I thought it was mutual but I found out later that it wasn't. I guess he was confused at the time and so asked me why I didn't want to try and fix mistakes in our relationship. I gave him a long explanation (similar to the one when we first talked about breaking up). He responded agreeing that there were problems and that he wanted to try and fix them and that he doesn't understand why I never wanted to try. So...I responded again stating in more detail my concerns and that I felt like we had tried several times to fix things and they never got better and I probably was frustrated so said some things in a less considerate way and now he is angry at me.

My reaction is to let him be angry at me so that he can get over our relationship easier, but that means that I feel really bad for making him feel bad and I would love to salvage some sort of relationship with him, even if it is as very, VERY casual friends. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. Do you think that you would want an ex to at least end things with more closure or is it closure enough to be angry? And do you think I should propose that we talk about it again and apologize for making him feel bad but be clear that I care about him but that it won't work?

Any suggestions would be helpful. I really feel awful for making him feel bad and don't want him to hate me -- It's not like either one of us did anything so horrible that would warrant a nasty breakup - just that our styles didn't complement each other.
 

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Just leave it alone. If he wants to fix things but you're not interested, no amount of explanation is going to make him feel any better. I don't know about other ESTPs, but I personally have never kept an ex as a friend. It makes no sense to me that they don't want a relationship anymore, but they still like me enough to want to be friends. It just doesn't compute. I prefer a clean break.
 

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I agree with the "no amount of explanation is going to make him feel any better". Either you fix the problem or you don't; words are just words.

My advice is: Don't play games. Decide what you want to be for him and behave like that. Leave it up to him to decide what he makes of it.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Just leave it alone. If he wants to fix things but you're not interested, no amount of explanation is going to make him feel any better. I don't know about other ESTPs, but I personally have never kept an ex as a friend. It makes no sense to me that they don't want a relationship anymore, but they still like me enough to want to be friends. It just doesn't compute. I prefer a clean break.
I don't want to or intend to lead him on or play games. I just know how it feels when someone you want to be with tells you your flaws and I know how that can affect you. I didn't want to go into detail with him about what I was unhappy with but he pushed me for the details. I just want him to know that he's a great person, just that we weren't right for each other. I am not sure he gets that right now.
 

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I personally am friends with a lot of my ex-girlfriends. Regarding a break up, if I really loved the girl I NEED to have closure. What that means depends on the situation. I do not want excuses, I need specifics. If I feel you are bull shitting me I will not be able to cope the way I need to until I find the truth no matter how nasty it might be.
 
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Discussion Starter #6
I personally am friends with a lot of my ex-girlfriends. Regarding a break up, if I really loved the girl I NEED to have closure. What that means depends on the situation. I do not want excuses, I need specifics. If I feel you are bull shitting me I will not be able to cope the way I need to until I find the truth no matter how nasty it might be.
So do you suggest that I leave it alone and let him be angry at me? I'm not sure how much closure that is, but he may have a different view. Or would it be at all beneficial to at least explain that I am sorry that our last discussion turned into an argument and that I didn't intend to hurt his feelings, etc? It's such a shame that it ended this way, not that it shouldn't have ended, but still a shame. There's nothing really "wrong" with him, just not right for me.
 

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So do you suggest that I leave it alone and let him be angry at me?
Do you mean that he is already angry at you? If he is not, why do you think that leaving him alone will make him angry?

Treebob is a wise ... treey...bob.., so listen to him. ESTPs don't need lengthy stories about how sorry you are or theories about the reasons for your feelings. They like details. Specifics. What where when how? But from the original post I kind of gathered that you already have explained/discussed those.

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Edit, after consulting a real ESTP:
If he was angry at you yesterday, he'll be okay today or tomorrow; don't fret. I don't think he wants to hear over and over again that however nice a guy he is, he is not what you want.
Wait for a day or two and start behaving like the kind of friend you want to be to him.
 
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basically it depends on how he is acting. Is he just plain mad cause you won't try or is he asking specific questions and thinks there is more to it then you are letting on. If he is just mad he will get over it. If he doesn't understand why you are dumping him or thinks you are lying then he might never get over it.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
Do you mean that he is already angry at you? If he is not, why do you think that leaving him alone will make him angry?

Treebob is a wise ... treey...bob.., so listen to him. ESTPs don't need lengthy stories about how sorry you are or theories about the reasons for your feelings. They like details. Specifics. What where when how? But from the original post I kind of gathered that you already have explained/discussed those.
He is already angry at me. Leaving him alone while being angry at me, at least to me, doesn't seem like closure.

I did explain, in detail, specific things that bothered me. I actually ended up listing them because he didn't understand what I was talking about. Then he emailed me a week later asking to explain what went wrong with me. So ... I explained again in detail the specific things I talked about before. He agreed that the things that bothered me were indeed issues that he was aware of but he didn't accept that the reasons I explained could possibly end a relationship, but he didn't get that they added up and they exhausted me. Maybe he was just looking for me to tell him something simple like, "I am no longer attracted to you." I guess that is true but he originally wanted to know why my feelings went away, not just that they did. Or maybe I just thought that was what he was asking. I can't lie to him and say I never had feelings for him (which he thinks he liked me more than I liked him but I never really saw it that way - sometimes I saw it the opposite way), so maybe the answer he was expecting isn't true and so I explained how/why they went away.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
basically it depends on how he is acting. Is he just plain mad cause you won't try or is he asking specific questions and thinks there is more to it then you are letting on. If he is just mad he will get over it. If he doesn't understand why you are dumping him or thinks you are lying then he might never get over it.
I guess the problem is that there were too many things that bothered me that I didn't think he could change (and didn't think I could change) and so I didn't feel that trying for the third time was worth the anxiety, and that my feelings were no longer strong enough to overlook the problems. Maybe he needed to hear that last part - God, that just seems an awful thing to say.
 
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I guess the problem is that there were too many things that bothered me that I didn't think he could change (and didn't think I could change) and so I didn't feel that trying for the third time was worth the anxiety, and that my feelings were no longer strong enough to overlook the problems. Maybe he needed to hear that last part - God, that just seems an awful thing to say.
He needs to hear that. After you say it you can preface it by listing all of the problems as maybe a reason why you don't have feelings for him anymore.

ESTP get over anger very quickly but not in relationship problems (unless we really didn't have strong feelings for them).

It might hurt but if he is like I am he will need it to let go. I say again, if he suspects bullshit or half truths he will call you on it.
 
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ESTP get over anger very quickly but not in relationship problems (unless we really didn't have strong feelings for them).
entpreter said:
I probably was frustrated so said some things in a less considerate way and now he is angry at me.
If it is just that, I'd suppose he survives the anger part.
 
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