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Sometimes it really scares me that my life could end or not end at any moment.. if that makes sense.

I've always sort of believed in destiny, and that whatever you do and don't do happens for a reason. And everything that you end up doing is what destiny had planned for you all along. By believing in destiny then, I adopt this sense of fearlessness and a sort of detachment to my actions, since everything will fall into place as it's supposed to be, right? However, I don't know how to describe it but, sometimes I get this very "real" feeling. Everything feels so bluntly realistic that it invokes a sense that anything can happen at any moment, and it could instantly change my life entirely.

For example, occasionally when I'm driving along on the highway, I suddenly realize how every single action that I make dictates exactly where my wheels are going on the road, and at any instant, if I decide to suddenly jerk my steering wheel to one side, my car can go careening into the side of the road. This type of thing is really awakening because I realize my entire life is in my own hands, and that anything I do at any second could alter my path forever. This seems so obvious, because on a daily basis, you would never think of doing anything like that. But the fact that it's a very real possibility, is what makes it scary.

We often take for granted the things around us, and just go through the motions without giving a second thought about what 'might' happen. We're so confident, even, that we forget that life isn't just a movie, and that anything is set to change at any instant. We often see things on the news, or hear stories from our friends about such and such happening to other people. Although the new information might be initially shocking to us, it all feels just a little too impersonal for us to actually 'care'. We say stuff like "damn that sucks.." and we leave it at that. We'll usually think along the lines of, "oh that won't happen to me", until it actually happens, and at the instant when it happens to us, we get this very rude awakening, and realize just how mortal we are. Our lives seem so "self-centered" that when we see hundreds of people dying on the news everyday, we believe that those people are just "other people" and their tragedies don't apply to ourselves. But to think that tomorrow, it could be you or someone very close to you, is really quite frightening.

So what do you guys think? Do you ever get the feeling of being just completely mortal?
 

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One of my main reasons for thinking I'm evil is because I play a little game inside my head called "what if".

In a usual game of "what if", I'll look at one person in my presence and start coming up with ways I could kill them and get away with it. Granted, that's not the only way to play "what if".

I've also considered what it would be like if, for one day, I acted completely uncivilized and animalistic. How much fun it would be to mindlessly shout at folks and throw things around, and not heed a word from anyone-- only to have the next day come and seem completely fine.

The fact of the matter is that I'm smart enough not to act on any of these stupid notions. I think you'll find that your own mortal awareness will do a sufficient job of keeping you alive. :)

I am fully aware of how breakable I am; there are just times when I choose to ignore it. ;)
 

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I tend to have horrible thoughts of "What if?" as well. If it's me the thoughts are centered around, they almost feel like compulsions, like I was on the cusp of actually doing it. It's disturbing because I know I would normally NOT do these actions but at times my mind shows me a scenario of me actually doing it and it doesn't feel so bad. Thankfully, it's not an overriding compulsion or there might be a lot more disfunctionality in the world.

At the same time though, I get the "What if?" thoughts about others close to me as well. Like I said on a post in the INTJ section, sometimes comprehending all the possibilities (good or bad) can drive me close to the brink of breaking down emotionally and intellectually.
 

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I have those moments and it scares me a little. I'm usually ok with death but I think about all the things I will miss after I die...how different the world might be in a hundred years. It saddens me that I won't be there to see the changes.
 

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Every few weeks I have to look myself in the mirror and say" My name is Jenn, I am 23 Years old, this is what I do, this is who I am." After going through these thoughts, I always get hit with the whole mortality thing. Then the conversation goes like this "Ok so you've had 23 years to make a difference...if you were to die today, what would that difference be?"
The point is, mortality is something that I have to constantly remind myself of, otherwise I get so wrapped up in the world and the people and emotions around me I forget that I have my own identity with my own expiration date. I forget that the world is big and I am small. I suppose the summery is that I lose perspective, and facing your own mortality doesn't have to be a slap in the face, it can be an inspiration to enjoy everyday.
Then again I speak to myself in a bathroom mirror....the only other person that I saw do that was the evil step mother in snow white, so maybe I'm crazy? :happy:
 
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