Personality Cafe banner
1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So before someone reads this and gets sad or offended (which i hope doesnt happen) this is not ment to be targeted to the enfj community just mainly myself

Does anyone not like being an ENFJ? i envy introverts so much for being able to mind their own business or not care about going out with other people as much as i do. I feel like a bitch because im so emotional and im so intouch with them, i fall in love with people so fast and get hurt even faster. I pretend sometimes that i dont care what people think of me but i really care so much its disgusting >.< I love helping people but i hate how much i care about other people, last year i wrote a paper for a person rather than my own, i got a 0 and she got a 96 just because i felt it was my duty to help her, i feel like all other groups have it more defined and im always drifting from friend group to friend group, i get 2-5 text by different people entirely to hangout with them over the weekend its just so draining but i dont want to let anyone down. Idk why i care so much about others, i dont even see many pros of myself being an ENFJ maybe i just havent looked hard enough or maybe im just stupid... my fathers an INTJ, me and him dont get along that well most the time just because of how differently we see the world (its been that way sense ive been around 8) i feel like im just a pawn in others games and i let myself be it but i cant stop it and i dont know what to do or if there is anything to do or if i should embrace who i am but the problem is i dont even know who i am sometimes i change so much sometimes >.<

any advice?
comments?
feedback?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
89 Posts
From an ENTJ point of view:

I posted a question about two ENFJs that I know and consistent with what you just said, you guys seem to carry the weight of the world on your own shoulders. You have this weird compulsion to be a hero/heroine because you care a lot about people. This in itself, is not bad because it shows real love, care, and compassion towards others.

However, when it gets to the point where it compromises you (you getting a '0' while the other gets a '96'), then that is where your compassion becomes a detriment, and it will be counterproductive.

Let me explain what I mean by counterproductive:

Your goal/purpose was to help someone. Usually it's not just one person, usually it's a lot of people.
You reach the goal by helping someone (in this case, get a 96)
But in the process, you destroy yourself (by getting a '0')
Being utterly destroyed, there are still other ramifications that chaperone your destruction (vulnerable emotional states, feeling of failure, sense of unsatisfaction, feeling of not being appreciated)
This destruction cripples you, and now you will have to undergo some sort of recovery, which may take some time.
In the process of recovery, you are unproductive for a long period, because you have to attend to yourself, and now you will have effectively failed the other people who were counting on you.

This cycle is neverending, and your noble intentions may end in failure.

My suggestion:

You can be a hero, but not to everyone else.
If you struggle with the thought that other people may need help, there will always be help that will be supplied to them. You have to trust the external forces to take care of the others; you are not the only one capable to help those people you see that are in need. Being a Christian, I always trust that the Lord sees things better than we do, and that He will providentially take care of others, even if we are incapable of helping those in need. He is, after all, a loving God who is powerful enough to create the whole universe.

Don't spread yourself too thin. You do not have to do everything, but do what you can.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I just feel like how i am personality wise is in superior to others , thats some great advice ive been trying to be able to live by it but when push comes to shove i usually end up helping the person even over my self... Does anyone have any pro's of being an ENFJ
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
59 Posts
I am dating an ENFJ right now and I think y'all have one of the most beautiful personality types

I quite envy your extraverted nature. We introverts also care what people think but maybe we are just good at hiding it...

positive traits of ENFJs(or at least my ENFJ)
-incredibly charming and charismatic
-very agreeable in nature and easy to get on with
-so much depth and so much love for others packed into one person...its incredible. Empathy is a powerful quality.
-of all the types, in my experience at least, ENFJs are the best at making others feel comfortable and other people really crave their attention. That's another quality I envy. I'm not sure any type is more easy to desire (;

You caring so much for others is not a downfall. Caring for others is one of your gifts. And you are so lucky to be able to feel so strongly for people.

I'm sure there are a hundred beautiful qualities that you possess. The fact that so many people are wanting to hang out with you says a lot and the fact that you feel the need to hang out with all of them and be there for all of them also says a lot. Though, be careful not to wear yourself down too much. It's okay to need time to yourself. Your friends will understand.

try not to be so down on yourself. Do something you are passionate about and just allow yourself to love who you are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
427 Posts
Strictly speaking,
If I had to choose between a forced marriage with any F types, or death, I would choose an ENFJ or death.
That's a compliment coming from an ENTJ, so take it =p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks alot for the comments guys im feeling alot better , i think alot of it comes down to having a parent who doesnt understand how i feel and isnt good at understanding how others feel period, he wants me to be happy but we define happy differently and look at things differently so its hard

regardless im doing better thanks guys :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
193 Posts
So before someone reads this and gets sad or offended (which i hope doesnt happen) this is not ment to be targeted to the enfj community just mainly myself

Does anyone not like being an ENFJ? i envy introverts so much for being able to mind their own business or not care about going out with other people as much as i do. I feel like a bitch because im so emotional and im so intouch with them, i fall in love with people so fast and get hurt even faster. I pretend sometimes that i dont care what people think of me but i really care so much its disgusting >.< I love helping people but i hate how much i care about other people, last year i wrote a paper for a person rather than my own, i got a 0 and she got a 96 just because i felt it was my duty to help her, i feel like all other groups have it more defined and im always drifting from friend group to friend group, i get 2-5 text by different people entirely to hangout with them over the weekend its just so draining but i dont want to let anyone down. Idk why i care so much about others, i dont even see many pros of myself being an ENFJ maybe i just havent looked hard enough or maybe im just stupid... my fathers an INTJ, me and him dont get along that well most the time just because of how differently we see the world (its been that way sense ive been around 8) i feel like im just a pawn in others games and i let myself be it but i cant stop it and i dont know what to do or if there is anything to do or if i should embrace who i am but the problem is i dont even know who i am sometimes i change so much sometimes >.<

any advice?
comments?
feedback?
My dad's an IxTJ and my mom's an ENTJ, so I understand what you're going through. It's not easy having different views on life when it comes to your parents. I too had a hard time with them, as they did not understand why I cared more about other people's success and happiness rather than my own.

My advice to you is to have hope. You will not be able to satisfy everyone, as there are many people with different goals and different priorities. You might get misunderstood or misjudged at times by people who think caring for others is a bad trait. There will be others who might try to use you and will take you for granted. In any case, don't let anyone make you forget who you really are and what you want to do in life. It's your life, and even if it seems hard now, it is not impossible to live it the way you want it to be. Know that there will be a day when you will feel safe being yourself - and there's nothing wrong with being proud of who you truly are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My dad's an IxTJ and my mom's an ENTJ, so I understand what you're going through. It's not easy having different views on life when it comes to your parents. I too had a hard time with them, as they did not understand why I cared more about other people's success and happiness rather than my own.

My advice to you is to have hope. You will not be able to satisfy everyone, as there are many people with different goals and different priorities. You might get misunderstood or misjudged at times by people who think caring for others is a bad trait. There will be others who might try to use you and will take you for granted. In any case, don't let anyone make you forget who you really are and what you want to do in life. It's your life, and even if it seems hard now, it is not impossible to live it the way you want it to be. Know that there will be a day when you will feel safe being yourself - and there's nothing wrong with being proud of who you truly are.
Made my day :) and yeah its jsut hard to talk to him about much (other things that cloud our relationship) but its all good :) or getting better atleast ;3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
701 Posts
Awh, you don't have to feel that way. :) The good points of being ENFJ, you probably don't see yourself, because you're so used to it.
-You like people, but the good thing is, people are all drawn towards you (almost) everyone likes you. I'm an F - dom too, but when your F - dom and highly introverted, it can - not wanting to generalize - but it can be quite hard from time to time. You don't ever have to feel sad about things like: why does almost everyone has more friends then I have, I want to be more social, I want to mean something to others, to the people in this world, I want that to make a positive impact but at the same time I'm very introverted and it's just not in my nature (so I'm not able to live fake by it all the time) so I don't easily reach out to everyone. + Everybody sees you as a caring person, you don't have to endure very shitty comments all the time like: give others a change, from people who don't know you that well, so don't know what you're about - and feeling sad because: this is how they see me. That's really hard/hurting when you having that F on top of your list, so yes! Feel happy about your extraversion! :)
I really envy ENFJ's for everybody being drawn towards them and there ability to really mean something to this world.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You're guys are all wonderful!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
701 Posts
I think, there's really no single downfall in caring about other people. However, it's not good at putting your own person beneath them. I noticed ENFJ's being quite sensitive about external validation, say: you really want to feel validated, so you help the girl so she appreciates you. You're afraid to offend people, because you don't want to see the pain in there eyes, because that would take their high - esteem and liking of you away. So you depend on them to feel valued and to feel lovable. But this comes with a price, you're self - respects slinks in another way, because you have to deliver it, to make them happy.
This is not you're 'fault' by the way. You don't have to feel bad about this. Most ENFJ's always had to make/keep their parents happy to keep their validation, or weren't really respected for who THEY are. So it's normal for a human - being to react on it the way you do.

But I think, that it's good to realize your own subjectivity in this. Like, some xNTJ's tend to be a "my way the high way.'' But, that's just who he is, and he's a flawed human being as well. As an INFP, I always walked in my own shoes with respect for others my whole life, and really, people are not offended by you when you state your own wants and needs. They don't want or expect from you, that you sacrifice yourself. If I tell my friend, I'm sorry but I can't come tonight I have to much study - work to do, she does understand.

I think, sometimes the ENFJ's fear to offend people is quite unrealistic. And sometimes, it leads to a self - fullfilling prophecy. When you guys disagree with someone, and have to state your own opinion or wants, sometimes you can freak out really hard. It's like: you don't want to offend the other person, but you don't want to agree. So instead you tend to hide your disagreement, but the other person isn't stupid. And this behavior hurts the other person much more, which you didn't meant at all.
To illustrate this. I had a guy with a crush on me (mutual), so he did drawn me in, only to ignore and "reject" me by ignoring my text -messages and turning his back to me, leaving me alone in the dark, because he just couldn't me honest and tell me, after I asked hem very explicit to answer me, he told me he already had a girlfriend, (he seemed to afraid to offend me.) But what he had done to me, just crossed my personal bounderies I really understood it and wasn't thàt hard towards him because I didn't want to break that guy or something... but on the other hand, I couldn't just be like awh, okay and take that, because of the hell and hurt it really, really had send me trough." Because he wasn't able to be honest with me - he made it worser for himself.
If I can give you one advice. Try to be as honest as you can when it comes to disagreement. Or it will smash you doubled back. Because most people don't know what's going on inside you. ENFJ's tend to give off a quite self - assured and grounded aura, so most people won't know you struggle with this and this is really a weak - spot of the ENFJ's, you have to protect yourselves for, because not everybody is going to understand. To give another illustration: I got stringed along with an ENFJ that couldn't disagree with my opinion as well, because he didn't want to make me feel stupid. I did feel hurt and stupid (especially because he didn't tell the truth), but I really, really did my best to not show him anything of that, because he was clearly DEVASTED from just the thought of making me feel that way,
and he just wasn't responsible for my feelings. If I struggle with my self - confidence, I don't have to destroy my relationships because I am triggered. But said I had been so hurt of him being fake - and feeling rejected and upset - because this is someone I love to pieces and really care about, but say I would have been harsher or less rational about my emotions. Say if I would've react on him like: Asshole. Or: I'm never gonna trust you like that again. I only saw the thought of that on his face. I never saw someone freaking out like that before. I was in the position to break someone in million pieces, without a reason. He never have done me anything wrong at the contrary.
Dear ENFJ's who do this too. Never put yourself in this kind of position. Be honest, really, because than people those things won't happen.
People who don't have this phenoman will think they must have done or said something VERY wrong. Because they don't see why you would react on simple things like - just having a different opinion, already having a girlfriend. The other party will feel rejected. They detest what I said, okay, he doesn't think I'm attractive at all, if they react that extreme, they must reject my thoughts extremely. Most people are sadly quite impulsive or vindictive. They will lash out (for something you didn't even meant)
They will break you, even when you don't deserve it.
I think when you string people along, you have much higher change to get people offended, dissapointed by you and it can be good for yourself to just be honest and kind. Otherwise people will feel hurt and betrayed. Like the guy with the crush, if he had just stated his want (already having a girlfriend), I would never take any - not even any- offence in that. Others wouldn't take any offense in that.
All I want to say, if you're respectfully honest about your wants and opinions, people are not going to be offended by you. People do respect other people's wants, opinions and needs. Exercise on being more honest and you will see how positive others react on you. :)
From my outsider - perspective: the advice I want to give. Even is it hard. Be honest. You know why? Because we love you just the way you are and believe you have the right to be who you re. We don't want you to censor yourself or feel unhappy because of it. And even when we disagree with you - so many people will love you anyway. I don't like ENFJ's because what they give to me, if they don't agree with me for once, instead of encouraging me, it's not that I will stop caring about them for that. There are probably attention - whores out there who only like you because all your interest in them. But they're not worth that. People who love you won't want you to limit yourself for them. And you will feel better about loving others, because you will see that there are people, who really care about you. Just for who you are.
Try to be honest. If they care, in no way they will leave you or hate you for that, even if they are offended. Because they're offended, doesn't mean they don't love you. And you will feel better because you will feel respected, and that you respect yourself at the same time.And remember, if people are offended by you and you we're just kind, it's their problem. It's because it triggers something inside of them, and you cannot control how people will interpret what you didn't meant that way. So let that control go. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
507 Posts
you know, there's nothing wrong with your personality.. i'm not sure if i have met an ENFJ but they say your type and ENTJ are ideal mates of us INFPs... however, if i'm going to choose which one, i would gladly prefer ENFJ for the fact that ENTJs are too ideal for me, and i prefer selfless people like you...

i almost have nothing to say coz they've already said what's on my mind too. the only thing i could advise is, embrace your nature bcoz its wonderful. i'm not saying that you should fight your nature but you have to learn how to love yourself than any other people bcoz people may leave you but your 'self' won't. learn to say 'NO' :)

as a type two, i also feel the necessity to give everything i have to people bcoz i feel virtuous of doing this, though i got disappointed when they don't even appreciate it. then i realized that people's problem is not my problem so definitely 'must' not my problem. so no matter how guilty i feel about refusing to help someone, i do this bcoz i have to... bcoz i want them to learn how to be responsible for themselves. there's nothing wrong with helping, its just your way of helping people that is wrong. i mean, you help them but in a wrong way. you need to take a careful consideration to people's dependency and responsibility...if you're going to solve their problems, you're not helping them instead you're teaching them to be dependent on you. so instead of minding/solving their problems directly on your own, why not help them solve it themselves? it would be a better help if people will learn to be responsible for themselves than simply take their responsibilities on your shoulder. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: Teal

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Love reading everyone's opinion

Any other ENFJ's get friendzone'd by girls that you like decently often? i naturally flirt ALOT but i still end up getting friend zone'd sometimes :3

i mean for instance i have 3 girls who i know for sure want me right now (one even asked me to prom) , but the girl i want, he best friend has a crush on me so im going to end up asking her out but i feel like it wont work because of her friend cause of girl code or w.e haha :3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Any other ENFJ's get friendzone'd by girls that you like decently often?
Yes! I just like being nice as I can to them and making them happy but usually this just results in them seeing me as a nice guy and nothing more. I get angry at myself and say that I'll take a new approach but I never do and it's left me in the situation I am now. However, I love being an NF. Whilst I do get annoyed, people do still see me as a nice person and that's a nice feeling.
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top