[Earth Goddess]

I know that we should all try to love one another, treat others as you want to be treated, be a good person, show love to those who need it (well, to EVERYONE), etc. I am a moral person and want to do the right thing. Recently I had a Reiki session done in which I found out that my purpose in this life is to learn about love. Ironically, I have never been in love before until now (i'm 40 years old), and the man that i'm in love with is one of those types that is closed off emotionally, he's jaded and bitter towards women, doesn't involve feelings with women, told me he doesn't talk about his feelings, he doesn't want a girlfriend, etc.

We are not in a relationship exactly, i'm not even sure what we are...I haven't had sex with him though but we've spent a lot of time cuddling, making out, doing non-sexual things too of course, we're pretty inseperable at work. We've known each other for a year now, we work together. Everyone there thinks we are boyfriend and girlfriend, and when people make comments to us about it he will agree and he won't deny that we aren't a couple. I know he isnt trying to use me for sex because he knows I won't do it with him yet he still acts like we're a couple. But I often find myself upset or depressed because of all this, because while I was falling in love, he wasn't (as far as I know, anyway!) and it hurts not to be able to be WITH him.

All i've wanted my whole life was a boyfriend that I could love who loved me back. I've had a few in the past but none came close to how I feel about this guy. Anyway, the situation with our job is that we work 85 hours a week, 6 weeks at a time. We live on the job site too. So our lives ARE our jobs, and this job is so good that neither of us wants to quit.

So here is my dilemma...even though this guy "can't" love, should I continue to show him love? I am not one to lower my level of treatment towards someone just because they can't reciprocate my feelings, but I also don't want to get hurt any more than I am. But there really isn't anything I can do though because neither of us wants to quit our jobs (this is the best job i've ever had and the only good thing I have in my life, so I refuse to quit). But it hurts being in love with someone who doesn't love me back. But I don't want to quit my job just so I can get over him, and I also don't want to confront him or give him an ultimatum or pressure him into telling me his feelings, that will only make things awkward and uncomfortable at work and that's one of my biggest priorities is keeping things from getting so wierd that one of us is forced to quit. It would most likely be me since I'm a woman, therefore emotional. He NEVER shows emotions. He is, however, extremely affectionate. More affectionate than any man i've ever dated or known! He gives me multiple hugs every day. When we share a bed together, he will hold me most of the night, and he will kiss my hair or my shoulder when he thinks i'm sleeping. He always does this hug/cuddle thing where he'll come up behind me, put his arms around me, hold me close, put his face into my hair, sometimes he'll softly go "mmmm", we'll rock back and forth as if there was music playing, and he will do this in front of anyone, he doesn't try to hide it. We spend our breaks together and when we sit on the couch to watch tv he'll have his arm around me. I really don't understand why he acts this way when he doesn't want to BE with me and knows he isn't going to get sex from me.

I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down. I know that he's had bad experiences with women (he thinks they're all crazy because they get too attached and go nuts when he wants to break up with them). I know the right thing to do is to show him love and no matter how cold he might seem sometimes or how distant he gets I should still show my unwavering unconditional love...but on the other hand, that's not very smart, I mean most people say if someone is withholding love from you, you shouldn't give it to them. But at the same time, I am a spiritual person who is trying to raise my vibration and elevate my consciousness and embody love as much as possible. So I'm torn on what to do about this situation. Part of me wants to love him so much that he learns how to love too and part of me wants to quit talking to him to show him that I won't stand for this halfway-relationship/thing/whatever it is. Should I show that I care about him and not hide my feelings (so far he doesn't know the extent of them), risking things getting weird? Or should I continue to go with the flow, hug him back, flirt with him back, but just stay casual even though it hurts because I want more? Or should I come out and say i'm not getting what I want so therefore I shouldn't let him hug me anymore, or talk to me, just cut off all communication and interaction even though it will make things very difficult at work? Or even a more general question, at what point does even an enlightened awakened highly conscious person turn their back on someone who is broken like this? I keep thinking if this were Ghandi or the Dalai Lama or Jesus, they would just keep showing this person love even though they're not getting it. Is it spiritually healthier to love someone who can't love you back, or to protect yourself in any way possible? I guess there is a fine line between letting yourself get hurt and being a Godlike person.

 

[WolfStar]

Your small text is hard to read, which is kinda bad.

As a whole this is way too complex a matter. You got issues. You love some guy but he doesn't love you back, but you don't want to do anything about it, but you want to be a good person, but you want to be like your idols and Ghandi or whoever, but you want to be Godlike, but you want you want you want you want. "I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down." This part is also pretty bad. You're dependent on others for security/happiness/whatever so you project that dependency onto everyone else and say that everyone is like you.

Not to mention all this distraction stuff about vibrations and whatnot.

Bottom line - you're insecure and you're wondering how to change someone else so that they'll give you what you want. You don't do that.

Instead of focusing on someone else, spend some time learning about yourself. You talk about being spiritual and smart. Prove it. Do the hard stuff. Look into yourself. Look into why you need to be loved, if you're insecure, why you're insecure, etc etc. You can hardly expect to have a good relationship with other people when you got so much going on with yourself that you're so unaware of.

 

[Earth Goddess]

Your small text is hard to read, which is kinda bad.

Sorry about that, I dont know what I did, I just typed it up like I am now, I have no idea how it came out so small!

As a whole this is way too complex a matter. You got issues.

I dont think it's ME that has the issues, this guy admitted he is bitter and jaded and doesn't talk about his feelings or even have them. I'm open to love and although i've been hurt by love, I am still coming at it from a healthy point of view.

"I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down." This part is also pretty bad.

This is a fact, it isn't my opinion, so I don't see how it's bad to just be stating a fact.

You're dependent on others for security/happiness/whatever so you project that dependency onto everyone else and say that everyone is like you.

I am not dependent on anyone or anything, I am 40 years old and have been single most of my life. I am responsible and independent. I don't even rely on my family much, I'm pretty much a loner (by choice for the most part).

Not to mention all this distraction stuff about vibrations and whatnot.

I don't see how it is a distraction to want to raise my consciousness and vibration, but I guess you wouldn't understand it unless you knew what I was talking about. It's a spiritual thing and it's very important to me.

Bottom line - you're insecure and you're wondering how to change someone else so that they'll give you what you want. You don't do that.

No...well for one, i'm not insecure, but I am NOT trying to change him, nowhere in my post did I say that. I want to know how to DEAL with him, I want to know what the right thing to do is when faced with this situation.

Instead of focusing on someone else, spend some time learning about yourself. You talk about being spiritual and smart. Prove it. Do the hard stuff. Look into yourself.

This is what i've been doing my entire life. Again, I am 40 years old and have been single for 38 of those years. 99% of the time I am doing stuff completely alone. I take vacations alone. I go to concerts alone. I spend all day in a bookstore alone. I moved 800 miles away from my hometown alone.

 

[Aquarian]

I think you're getting two different things mixed together. You have a difficult personal situation. You also have these spiritual ideas or ideals. The justifying link, for you, is this Reiki session you had.

I think you would do very well to remove the spiritual ideas from your analysis of this situation.

Edited to add: Just read this response you posted to another comment:

I don't see how it is a distraction to want to raise my consciousness and vibration, but I guess you wouldn't understand it unless you knew what I was talking about. It's a spiritual thing and it's very important to me.

Well, I also think it is a distraction and I think you're inadvertently using this spiritual framework as a way to stay confused about what's actually going on in this situation so you don't have to face the difficult truths here (about yourself and your situation) - whatever those truths may be.

Oh and this part?

but I guess you wouldn't understand it unless you knew what I was talking about.

IMO, responses like this will not help you get to the truth of this situation. They'll just keep you mired in whatever illusion you're clinging to right now.

Remember, even by your own standards you have something to LEARN here. You're too closed off to learn right now and applying this spiritual framework is actually functioning to keep it that way.

 

[Chesire Tower]

@Earth Goddess, I can actually relate to everything that you said in your post. I too am very spiritual but to actually benefit from a spiritual practice; you need to focus on yourself first and get yourself emotionally grounded. Until you are able to do that; it is pretty much impossible for you to live out your ideals. You need to love yourself first; before you can possibly love anyone else. You espouse very hight ideals for yourself, and there would be nothing wrong with it; if you were already coming from a spiritually centered and emotionally grounded place. I guarantee you that all your idols were coming from that place, and if you fervently desire to be anything like them; you cannot do it until you truly have self-compassion and love yourself first.

Now, before you dismiss my advice; I promise you I actually know of what I speak. I too was just like you. I would crush on some guy and be constantly disappointed that he wasn't responding to me the way I needed him to. This caused me constant conflict with this person - not to mention pain and suffering; until I realized that I was looking to another person, for something that I could really only get from myself. Another person can never complete you or give your life, meaning; you must do that for yourself.

As far as this situation being "his problem"; I'm not in any way saying that your boyfriend doesn't have issues. I don't think that anyone who has responded to you is really saying that. However, the fact that you are clearly distressed about this situation and are here asking for advice; tells me that the "problem" clearly lies with you, but not in the way you might think. Anytime, you are deeply troubled by another's behaviour; you are ipso facto, making it your problem. Do you see this at all? He is not the one who is wringing their hands desperate for help here; it's you. Your behaviour is very co-dependant, becaue you are needing someone else to change for you to be happy. You need to understand that you cannot control another human being; you can only control yourself.

If you are so unhappy with him but don't want to prematurely end things; than why don't you just detach yourself from the situation, to get some perspective? That's exactly what I did, and you know what? I'm much happier since I am no longer basing my self-esteem on his approval or lack thereof, and he's is also much happier, as well. Why?, well because, I am no longer suffocating him with my neediness and clinginess; so, win-win!

You see, what detaching myself from him accomplished; was that it gave me perspective about things. Once I got perspective, I realized that, contrary to what I had been telling myself; that I didn't actually need him at all. All I ever need, is myself. Since, I no longer need anything from this person; I am free to relate to him from a place of strength. You have no idea how good that can feel; until you allow yourself to experience that strength that you know, you have deep down inside of you. Ironically, now that I don't need him; I am actually much more able to have my behaviour come much closer to my ideals as far as I am treating him. I am not however, sacrificing myself in anyway; I am just living my life and he is also living his. I honestly believe that once you do this; his behaviour will logically have to change as well; to be more in line with yours. Does this mean that he will become the boyfriend you so earnestly seek? Not necessarily, but the truly important thing is; that you won't even need him to be. It's a very real possibility that he is well aware that you are not happy with him right now, and as consequence; he doesn't feel accepted by you. hat is what he truly needs: Your acceptance of him just as he is; not to try and change him. Once, he feels truly accepted by you; who knows?; stranger things have happened, but even if it ultimately is not in the cards for you two; you will be in a far more healthier place than what you are right now, and you will be in a position to actually find someone who really makes you feel truly loved and appreciated.

 

[Earth Goddess]

I think you're getting two different things mixed together. You have a difficult personal situation. You also have these spiritual ideas or ideals. The justifying link, for you, is this Reiki session you had.

I think you would do very well to remove the spiritual ideas from your analysis of this situation.

Trying to live a spiritual life isn't just a hobby, it's SUPPOSED to change you, to make you a better person, to become the foundation of how you live your life. Would you expect a Buddhist monk to murder someone and then say "It had to be done, I just set aside my beliefs for a little bit", no! I don't see the point in trying to better yourself if you aren't going to apply it to real life, otherwise it makes you a fake.

Well, I also think it is a distraction and I think you're inadvertently using this spiritual framework as a way to stay confused about what's actually going on in this situation so you don't have to face the difficult truths here (about yourself and your situation) - whatever those truths may be.

Ok spiritual beliefs aside, you don't even need religion or to be spiritual to want to be a good person and treat people right, it's a pretty universal thing all humans should strive for.

Remember, even by your own standards you have something to LEARN here. You're too closed off to learn right now and applying this spiritual framework is actually functioning to keep it that way.

I am never closed off to learning, it's one of my favorite things to do. But when it comes to relationships and other people, you can never truly know what they are thinking or feeling since they can lie. You can never truly trust another person except yourself.

 

[Earth Goddess]

you need to focus on yourself first and get yourself emotionally grounded. Until you are able to do that; it is pretty much impossible for you to live out your ideals. You need to love yourself first; before you can possibly love anyone else. You espouse very hight ideals for yourself, and there would be nothing wrong with it; if you were already coming from a spiritually centered and emotionally grounded place. I guarantee you that all your idols were coming from that place, and if you fervently desire to be anything like them; you cannot do it until you truly have self-compassion and love yourself first.

I am shocked so many people are saying this, I don't feel I have a problem with this at all. Maybe it comes out that way in my posts but trust me, I love and respect myself, and I have always been happy. Saying I want a relationship doesn't mean I'm depressed without one, it just means i've been single most of my life and I would like to experience true love (which I thought this was going to be, in the beginning).

Another person can never complete you or give your life, meaning; you must do that for yourself.

Yes, I know this. Trust me, I have been single for 38 years of my life, I know how to live without a man and I know I don't need one to complete me. I want one to share my life with. I don't feel like admitting that automatically means I don't love myself. I honestly don't even see how they are connected. If someone didn't love themselves, they wouldn't even have the capacity to feel love for someone else.

However, the fact that you are clearly distressed about this situation and are here asking for advice; tells me that the "problem" clearly lies with you, but not in the way you might think. Anytime, you are deeply troubled by another's behaviour; you are ipso facto, making it your problem. Do you see this at all?

Yes I see that I have a problem with this, of course, but it stems mostly from the fact that I thought he was my soulmate. I thought we were a real couple for a few months, I had my hopes up. We spent so many nights sleeping in his bed cuddling and sharing personal information about each other and we clicked right from the start better than i've clicked with anyone, ever. I fell in love because of that. Most of the time when I date guys, I am the one that ends things because I would rather be alone than with someone who wasn't right for me. This guy is the only one I have EVER dated who I actually wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It's just the closest I've ever been to a man that I liked this much. I haven't had many so that could be why too, I feel like I am still in high school discovering guys, because I haven't had much experience with them. I was 26 before I even had a date with anyone and then that guy became my first and only boyfriend. After I broke up with him, I casually dated about 4 or 5 other guys but quickly left them because like I said, they just weren't right for me.

You need to understand that you cannot control another human being; you can only control yourself.p

Yes I know that...I am only trying to understand him and figure out how to deal with the situation.

If you are so unhappy with him but don't want to prematurely end things; than why don't you just detach yourself from the situation, to get some perspective?

Well first I have to clarify, i'm not unhappy with him...i'm only unhappy when I think about the future I want with him that I probably will never have. I LOVE being with him, he doesn't make me unhappy at all. And about detaching, I don't think that is possible when we are together so much. We work 84 hours a week, we work together, we live here at work, and we spend our free time together because this is kind of like a small community that we are confined to. We don't have family or friends here, it's just us coworkers. So there is no escaping anyone here. It's kind of like being trapped on a deserted island together! lol

I have, however, tried to distance myself as much as I could, and told myself over and over this is all it will be, but that can only last so long when i'm immersed in this job with him. 12 hours every day we are almost constantly next to each other. I can act distant and in my own world but we still have to talk to each other and he is so affectionate that all my feelings of detachment I might be able to muster up get thrown out the window and i'm right back where I started, feeling hopeful and in love again.

Why?, well because, I am no longer suffocating him with my neediness and clinginess; so, win-win!

I am not suffocating him with neediness or clinginess...I actually just go about my business as much as I can and don't show any emotions or bug him about anything at all, it's always him that comes to me, initiating conversations, asking to hang out after work, it's always him. I am letting him chase me. Sometimes i'll even take my lunch break by myself to create some space there and he'll text me asking where I am or he'll come find me or he'll see me later and ask where I was.

It's a very real possibility that he is well aware that you are not happy with him right now, and as consequence; he doesn't feel accepted by you. hat is what he truly needs: Your acceptance of him just as he is; not to try and change him. Once, he feels truly accepted by you; who knows?;

I AM accepting of him, that's the thing, i'm more accepting of him than I have ever been of anyone. Other guys I dated who I couldn't accept, I just quit calling them, or broke it off. With this guy, I am so accepting of him which is why I feel like I could spend my life with him. If you are referring to his fear of commitment, as far as he knows, I am accepting of that too. He knows I don't want to get married and he doesn't either, we actually talk about that a lot, it's one of the things we have in common. I have NEVER brought up the subject of being in a relationship, I have never even asked him anything, I let him offer up the information when he's ready. I never push or nag or ask or pressure him about ANYTHING, I simply go about my day responding to him when he talks to me, cuddles with me, asks to hang out, whatever. I just go with the flow pretty much. And this has been going on for about 10 or 11 months now, which I know is longer than his last relationship which only lasted a few months. He is not one to do anything he doesn't wanna do so if he felt pressured by me or anything, he would stop all the attention he is giving me.

 

[WolfStar]

I dont think it's ME that has the issues...

Then I guess we're done here, since all you're looking for is affirmation.

 

[Aquarian]

Then I guess we're done here, since all you're looking for is affirmation.

I completely agree that @Earth Goddess seeks something other than insight and learning here. Not worth bothering to engage when someone is so closed IMO.

 

[Antipode]

Your small text is hard to read, which is kinda bad.

As a whole this is way too complex a matter. You got issues. You love some guy but he doesn't love you back, but you don't want to do anything about it, but you want to be a good person, but you want to be like your idols and Ghandi or whoever, but you want to be Godlike, but you want you want you want you want. "I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down." This part is also pretty bad. You're dependent on others for security/happiness/whatever so you project that dependency onto everyone else and say that everyone is like you.

Not to mention all this distraction stuff about vibrations and whatnot.

Bottom line - you're insecure and you're wondering how to change someone else so that they'll give you what you want. You don't do that.

Instead of focusing on someone else, spend some time learning about yourself. You talk about being spiritual and smart. Prove it. Do the hard stuff. Look into yourself. Look into why you need to be loved, if you're insecure, why you're insecure, etc etc. You can hardly expect to have a good relationship with other people when you got so much going on with yourself that you're so unaware of.

Damn, boy. xD

 

[Chesire Tower]

@Earth Goddess, I am afraid, I have to agree with what everyone here has been saying. You are asking for advice but you don't seem to be willing to listen to anybody's suggestions.

Basically, you should focus on what's right about your love; not how you need to change him. I do a spiritual practice that has helped me very much as far as getting clarity. It might help you too, if you are truly willing to see how you are contributing to your suffering in this situation.

The issue is with yourself, and yes; I understand that you don't see I that way, but you need to work on yourself. When you are truly happy with yourself; all of your relationships - especially this one, will improve for the better.

Is what everyone else is saying, correct? Are you just seeking affirmation - wanting to hear that you are right? , because, you won't find that here. Yes, we could all sympathize with you and rag (unfairly) on your boyfriend, but honestly, what good would that really do you?
He is not going to change; so you need to find away to accept that or not. That's really the only choice you have.

 

[Aquarian]

The OP did also get posted in the Sex and Relationships forum here

IMO this comment from that thread pretty much sums up the problem here:

I have always had a "rescuer fetish", but that came long before my spirituality happened. What it stems from is seeing so many guys (like this guy I like) who don't believe there are decent women out there who won't cheat on them, or try to kill or injure them (like my guy had happen to him). Or guys who don't think they are loveable (something I suspect this guy has an issue with, I didn't go into detail about that though). And I just like to help people, make them feel good. These are all not selfish acts, I don't feel this way to benefit myself, I want to make a man feel loved and cherished, that's all!

The OP has retained her rescuer/savior fetish but now dresses it up in spiritual terms to justify it. So now in her framework, it's not just her personal stuff, it's all about spiritual enlightenment.

Lots of mess here. Lots and LOTS of mess.

 

[Kanerou]

The OP has retained her rescuer/savior fetish but now dresses it up in spiritual terms to justify it. So now in her framework, it's not just her personal stuff, it's all about spiritual enlightenment.

Lots of mess here. Lots and LOTS of mess.

That got three fist pumps. Thank you. So glad I'm not the only one who sees it like that.

 

[WolfStar]

Damn, boy. xD

Haha I didn't mean to like, be mean or anything. I figured it best to just be honest since it seems like everyone here would be glad to help OP, but it seems like they're far too busy to listen. xD

 

[Antipode]

Haha I didn't mean to like, be mean or anything. I figured it best to just be honest since it seems like everyone here would be glad to help OP, but it seems like they're far too busy to listen. xD

No, I wanted to say each and every word. xD I just found it funny you planted the point I was going to make perfectly. Very observant.

 

[RaidenPrime]

Wait, I thought reiki was to treat physical pain? Unless you are physically stressed about not having a boyfriend in your life?

If you feel someone needs love, just give it to them and see where it goes. Even if it isn't reciprocated, sometimes people just need to be doused in care and affection.

 

[Aquarian]

Wait, I thought reiki was to treat physical pain? Unless you are physically stressed about not having a boyfriend in your life?

I'm no expert by ANY stretch of the imagination. My knowledge of Reiki comes from being in a relationship with someone who has some training in doing it, and experiencing it as a sort of add-on layer when she has worked on me in other ways. That said, I'm pretty sure Reiki can function for more than treatment of physical pain.

 

[Earth Goddess]

I completely agree that @Earth Goddess seeks something other than insight and learning here. Not worth bothering to engage when someone is so closed IMO.

So far everyone has given me suggestions I can't use or have told me I just need to love myself which is not the problem.

 

[Earth Goddess]

@Earth Goddess, I am afraid, I have to agree with what everyone here has been saying. You are asking for advice but you don't seem to be willing to listen to anybody's suggestions.

Like I said in my last post, everyone just thinks I don't love myself which is not the case, or that I should just get over him which I can't do unless I quit my job and I don't want to do that.

Basically, you should focus on what's right about your love; not how you need to change him.

Again, i'm not trying to change him. If I was, I would have asked "How do you get a man to commit when he doesn't want to". I simply want to know how somebody deals with a situation where their heart and soul is telling them to act one way but their feelings and their mind struggle with it.

I do a spiritual practice that has helped me very much as far as getting clarity. It might help you too, if you are truly willing to see how you are contributing to your suffering in this situation.

I do spiritual practices myself but they don't have anything to do with relating to other people in situations like this. And the only way I can see that i'm contributing to my suffering is just that I want something I don't have, but you have to be a pretty damn good Buddhist to erase the feelings of want from your life. Especially when you have never had it and you're running out of time.

Is what everyone else is saying, correct? Are you just seeking affirmation - wanting to hear that you are right? , because, you won't find that here. Yes, we could all sympathize with you and rag (unfairly) on your boyfriend, but honestly, what good would that really do you?
He is not going to change; so you need to find away to accept that or not. That's really the only choice you have.

You can't say for sure if he is going to change, he might not even know that. Sometimes change just comes upon you as you grow older or learn new things or have new experiences. I have changed a LOT in the last few years and it wasn't even something I set out to do, it just happened. As for your first question, I don't know how I would be looking for affirmation that i'm right when I don't know the right way to deal with this. All i'm defending here is the fact that I DO love and respect myself, I thought that was obvious so I'm confused why so many people keep repeating it.

 

[Aquarian]

So far everyone has given me suggestions I can't use

Won't use. Not can't.