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Discussion Starter #1
I know that we should all try to love one another, treat others as you want to be treated, be a good person, show love to those who need it (well, to EVERYONE), etc. I am a moral person and want to do the right thing. Recently I had a Reiki session done in which I found out that my purpose in this life is to learn about love. Ironically, I have never been in love before until now (i'm 40 years old), and the man that i'm in love with is one of those types that is closed off emotionally, he's jaded and bitter towards women, doesn't involve feelings with women, told me he doesn't talk about his feelings, he doesn't want a girlfriend, etc.

We are not in a relationship exactly, i'm not even sure what we are...I haven't had sex with him though but we've spent a lot of time cuddling, making out, doing non-sexual things too of course, we're pretty inseperable at work. We've known each other for a year now, we work together. Everyone there thinks we are boyfriend and girlfriend, and when people make comments to us about it he will agree and he won't deny that we aren't a couple. I know he isnt trying to use me for sex because he knows I won't do it with him yet he still acts like we're a couple. But I often find myself upset or depressed because of all this, because while I was falling in love, he wasn't (as far as I know, anyway!) and it hurts not to be able to be WITH him.

All i've wanted my whole life was a boyfriend that I could love who loved me back. I've had a few in the past but none came close to how I feel about this guy. Anyway, the situation with our job is that we work 85 hours a week, 6 weeks at a time. We live on the job site too. So our lives ARE our jobs, and this job is so good that neither of us wants to quit.

So here is my dilemma...even though this guy "can't" love, should I continue to show him love? I am not one to lower my level of treatment towards someone just because they can't reciprocate my feelings, but I also don't want to get hurt any more than I am. But there really isn't anything I can do though because neither of us wants to quit our jobs (this is the best job i've ever had and the only good thing I have in my life, so I refuse to quit). But it hurts being in love with someone who doesn't love me back. But I don't want to quit my job just so I can get over him, and I also don't want to confront him or give him an ultimatum or pressure him into telling me his feelings, that will only make things awkward and uncomfortable at work and that's one of my biggest priorities is keeping things from getting so wierd that one of us is forced to quit. It would most likely be me since I'm a woman, therefore emotional. He NEVER shows emotions. He is, however, extremely affectionate. More affectionate than any man i've ever dated or known! He gives me multiple hugs every day. When we share a bed together, he will hold me most of the night, and he will kiss my hair or my shoulder when he thinks i'm sleeping. He always does this hug/cuddle thing where he'll come up behind me, put his arms around me, hold me close, put his face into my hair, sometimes he'll softly go "mmmm", we'll rock back and forth as if there was music playing, and he will do this in front of anyone, he doesn't try to hide it. We spend our breaks together and when we sit on the couch to watch tv he'll have his arm around me. I really don't understand why he acts this way when he doesn't want to BE with me and knows he isn't going to get sex from me.

I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down. I know that he's had bad experiences with women (he thinks they're all crazy because they get too attached and go nuts when he wants to break up with them). I know the right thing to do is to show him love and no matter how cold he might seem sometimes or how distant he gets I should still show my unwavering unconditional love...but on the other hand, that's not very smart, I mean most people say if someone is withholding love from you, you shouldn't give it to them. But at the same time, I am a spiritual person who is trying to raise my vibration and elevate my consciousness and embody love as much as possible. So I'm torn on what to do about this situation. Part of me wants to love him so much that he learns how to love too and part of me wants to quit talking to him to show him that I won't stand for this halfway-relationship/thing/whatever it is. Should I show that I care about him and not hide my feelings (so far he doesn't know the extent of them), risking things getting weird? Or should I continue to go with the flow, hug him back, flirt with him back, but just stay casual even though it hurts because I want more? Or should I come out and say i'm not getting what I want so therefore I shouldn't let him hug me anymore, or talk to me, just cut off all communication and interaction even though it will make things very difficult at work? Or even a more general question, at what point does even an enlightened awakened highly conscious person turn their back on someone who is broken like this? I keep thinking if this were Ghandi or the Dalai Lama or Jesus, they would just keep showing this person love even though they're not getting it. Is it spiritually healthier to love someone who can't love you back, or to protect yourself in any way possible? I guess there is a fine line between letting yourself get hurt and being a Godlike person.
 

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Having been there and done that... You two obviously don't want the same thing. If you aren't OK with things remaining as they are, tell him. If he refuses to change your status, feel free to drop him and move on to someone who sees you as worth the commitment. By all means, treat him as a human worthy of respect, but I don't see that he deserves anything more than that. You don't have a contract with him (which, IMO, is what a relationship is). You're not obligated to make this thing work. If it's hurting you this much, do what you need to preserve your own internal stability, even if that means cutting off his source of free snuggles/not-quite-sex/whatever. Loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean making yourself a doormat or allowing someone else to use you while you bleed inside; and don't forget that you have to love yourself as well.
 

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Also consider that if he's not willing to commit, you may not be the only woman in the picture; with the one I encountered, "I don't want a relationship" turned out to be man-code for "I want to have sex with you and anyone else I feel like screwing." (And he had the same "bad experience with women" sad story.) Are you OK with that kind of scenario? Would you be willing to share someone you care that much for?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Be open to meeting other men.
I normally would, but in this situation with my job, I am only home a few days every other month, so there is no time for dating. I plan on keeping this job until I retire (20 more years at least) so the only men I will be able to get to know are the ones I work with, and half this place is women, most of the men are married or in a relationship or gay, that doesn't leave much. I'm not going to pick the only ones I can find, either, i'm not desperate.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
If he refuses to change your status, feel free to drop him and move on to someone who sees you as worth the commitment.
See my last post, explaining why this guy is pretty much my only option.

don't forget that you have to love yourself as well.
I DO love myself, people who don't love themselves are unable to love others. If I didn't love myself, I would have had sex with him already. I have never allowed myself to be used for sex by any man, which is why i've only had one sexual partner and it was the only boyfriend I ever had. It's almost like I have TOO much self respect! lol I've gotten advice from people saying just to have meaningless sex with him but there is no way I can do that.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Also consider that if he's not willing to commit, you may not be the only woman in the picture; with the one I encountered, "I don't want a relationship" turned out to be man-code for "I want to have sex with you and anyone else I feel like screwing." (And he had the same "bad experience with women" sad story.) Are you OK with that kind of scenario? Would you be willing to share someone you care that much for?
I know he could be having sex with anyone he wants, which is part of the reason why I won't have sex with him, I need it to be monogamous. So no I am not ok with that scenario which is why I'm keeping my distance.
 

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I know he could be having sex with anyone he wants, which is part of the reason why I won't have sex with him, I need it to be monogamous. So no I am not ok with that scenario which is why I'm keeping my distance.
OK.

I normally would, but in this situation with my job, I am only home a few days every other month, so there is no time for dating. I plan on keeping this job until I retire (20 more years at least) so the only men I will be able to get to know are the ones I work with, and half this place is women, most of the men are married or in a relationship or gay, that doesn't leave much. I'm not going to pick the only ones I can find, either, i'm not desperate.
See my last post, explaining why this guy is pretty much my only option.
He's the only option you see at the moment. Twenty years is a very long time; you can't know who's going to enter your life in the next few months to a year, let alone two decades. And even then, I'm not sure I'd call him an option. You want a loving, committed relationship, and he wants a fuck buddy, which makes him not at all boyfriend material. Whether you're sleeping with him or not, you are very emotionally invested in this man. Settling for this kind of half-assed situation and hoping you can change him along the way (via redeeming him through the power of love) is a very bad idea, and it will quite likely end in failure and pain for you.

I DO love myself, people who don't love themselves are unable to love others. If I didn't love myself, I would have had sex with him already. I have never allowed myself to be used for sex by any man, which is why i've only had one sexual partner and it was the only boyfriend I ever had. It's almost like I have TOO much self respect! lol I've gotten advice from people saying just to have meaningless sex with him but there is no way I can do that.
I wouldn't say you have too much self-respect. You know what you want in a sexual partner, what is OK with you as a person, and you're sticking to it. That's awesome. And in my opinion, that you are asking for advice on this matter is a good sign. So let me put it this way: you are not spiritually unenlightened if you refuse to continue with this man. You are not being unloving. You're not being a horrible person who selfishly chooses to protect herself instead of giving others the love they need. It's OK to protect yourself, and it's smart, particularly in this scenario.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
He's the only option you see at the moment. Twenty years is a very long time; you can't know who's going to enter your life in the next few months to a year, let alone two decades.
True, but I am already 40 years old, I really don't want to meet the man of my dreams when I'm 60. I want to share my life with someone, not find someone and then sit around in a nursing home together talking about all the fun we USED to have with other people! lol Ok I might be exaggerating on that but seriously, who wants to meet their soulmate when they're past their prime? I'm not even young now, I already feel like it's almost too late.

And even then, I'm not sure I'd call him an option. You want a loving, committed relationship, and he wants a fuck buddy, which makes him not at all boyfriend material.
True...but almost every man settles down at some point and they don't wait until they're 60 to do it.

Whether you're sleeping with him or not, you are very emotionally invested in this man. Settling for this kind of half-assed situation and hoping you can change him along the way (via redeeming him through the power of love) is a very bad idea, and it will quite likely end in failure and pain for you.
You can't control who you get emotionally invested in, at least I can't. If a man is cuddling with me in his bed and sharing everything about his life with me, how can I NOT get emotionally invested? lol I don't know how you can get that close to a person and not develop feelings for them. It just blows my mind thinking he might not have them for me after all that. I know women are more emotional than men are, of course, which is probably half the problem, but the other half is that he was raised/taught not to show his feelings. We talked about that too. So of course naturally I think, 'so he doesn't TALK about his feelings, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any'. I'm always the optimist! lol

So let me put it this way: you are not spiritually unenlightened if you refuse to continue with this man. You are not being unloving. You're not being a horrible person who selfishly chooses to protect herself instead of giving others the love they need. It's OK to protect yourself, and it's smart, particularly in this scenario.
And i'm trying to protect myself, believe me! It's just VERY hard when I can't create any distance from him. We work 84 hours a week, we live here, we are practically side by side 12 hours every day. We have no friends or family here, it's just us coworkers. It's like we are stuck on a deserted island together with no escape! lol I know i'm not a horrible person if I don't continue things with him, IF I could even stop, that is...but I am looking deeper into the situation, seeing him through unconditional accepting eyes, wanting to help him, wanting to be there for him and show him not all women are like the girls he dated ("crazy", in his words).
 

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I know that we should all try to love one another, treat others as you want to be treated,

No. This is not wise imo. Because as you might have discovered from being on here, everyone has a different way of being, different way of loving, love language, and different ways they want to be treated. What if someone likes to be treated like an asshole, then it's okay for them to treat you like an asshole?the golden rule is flawed. Treat others with respect to their nature. Love others by loving yourself first.

Part of me wants to love him so much that he learns how to love too

You can not control the feelings of other people.

and part of me wants to quit talking to him to show him that I won't stand for this halfway-relationship/thing/whatever it is.

Which would be loving because how would anyone learn anything if there weren't negative consequences.

Should I show that I care about him and not hide my feelings (so far he doesn't know the extent of them), risking things getting weird?

I completely understand but eventually, after you have given it enough thought regarding how you want to say it, absolutely. How would you feel if he wasn't honest about his feelings? I think with each relationship it's practice and being direct with feelings isn't easy for everyone. Let alone communicating feelings to begin with. So while I think you should, I think you should also accept that yes, things will probably get weird. And that's okay.

Or should I continue to go with the flow, hug him back, flirt with him back, but just stay casual even though it hurts because I want more?

Do you think you are not deserving of love? Do you deserve to be emotionally battered? does that person deserve to be put in the predicament unknowingly. maybe he isn't aware of how much you are hurting. If you haven't even attempted, nor tried to communicate any pain, you have a problem that begins with you, and has nothing to do with him. No one deserves to be in emotional pain.

Or should I come out and say i'm not getting what I want so therefore I shouldn't let him hug me anymore, or talk to me, just cut off all communication and interaction even though it will make things very difficult at work?

Considering your age and no doubt phase you are with your own personal healing, I would suggest to lie and say you are seeing someone else and that it makes you uncomfortable now. I think you need to be aware that you'll feel so much pain cutting him off. But if you think you are strong enough to be honest as to why you are cutting him off, go for it. Either way, you have to develop a relationship with you. And you don't anyone anything. you DO however, owe it to yourself, to be there for you.

Or even a more general question, at what point does even an enlightened awakened highly conscious person turn their back on someone who is broken like this?

are you highly conscious? really? does fear come from a conscious place? do we wake up in the morning and say, "I think I'm gonna be afraid today". no. we don't. So .. are you conscious. Are you "enlightened awakened" .. REALLY? I am not meaning to be offensive although I'm aware you might be. Rather, in order to be enlightened, one must be first, in the dark. and correct me if I'm wrong but, it appears you are currently, in the dark. This is good. because now you can in turn, become enlightened. as opposed to someone who has never been given the opportunity.

I keep thinking if this were Ghandi or the Dalai Lama or Jesus, they would just keep showing this person love even though they're not getting it.

The would be showing this person respect. Love with respect to their nature.
They would not be showering them with rewards for being unloving.


Is it spiritually healthier to love someone who can't love you back,

How would this benefit your spirit?

or to protect yourself in any way possible?

How would protecting yourself give room for growth?

I guess there is a fine line between letting yourself get hurt and being a Godlike person.

I think you need to find your balance. And when you do, you will be the god of who you are.

you need to stop putting yourself on a higher plane then other people. It's isolating.



*higher plane comment was not meant to be hurtful. It was meant, to serve a point*
 
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I know that he needs love, I mean all people do, deep down. I know that he's had bad experiences with women (he thinks they're all crazy because they get too attached and go nuts when he wants to break up with them). I know the right thing to do is to show him love and no matter how cold he might seem sometimes or how distant he gets I should still show my unwavering unconditional love...but on the other hand, that's not very smart, I mean most people say if someone is withholding love from you, you shouldn't give it to them. But at the same time, I am a spiritual person who is trying to raise my vibration and elevate my consciousness and embody love as much as possible. So I'm torn on what to do about this situation. Part of me wants to love him so much that he learns how to love too and part of me wants to quit talking to him to show him that I won't stand for this halfway-relationship/thing/whatever it is.

Like many 'spiritual' people you sound like you have a 'rescuer' fetish.

I'll be blunt; you can be a martyr for your spiritual ideals, or you can try to find a fulfilling relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
No. This is not wise imo. Because as you might have discovered from being on here, everyone has a different way of being, different way of loving, love language, and different ways they want to be treated. What if someone likes to be treated like an asshole, then it's okay for them to treat you like an asshole?the golden rule is flawed. Treat others with respect to their nature. Love others by loving yourself first.


Even assholes don't want to be treated like an asshole, everyone wants to be treated good. People who treat others badly have problems which is why they can't treat others good, but they still want to be treated good. In regards to this situation then, this guy doesn't want me to treat him like shit, he isn't treating me like shit, he's being respectful of me and showing affection and all that, so I want to keep doing that but I want more, so it sucks for me.

You can not control the feelings of other people.

I know that, but how can anyone learn how to love if they aren't shown love? If I treat him like a fuck buddy, that's all I'll ever be to him and he won't even think about anything else since the feeling wouldn't have a chance to come up.

Which would be loving because how would anyone learn anything if there weren't negative consequences.
So you're saying quitting talking to him is a loving action?! That just seems so backwards to me. There are people that I can't stand that I haven't even quit talking to! lol Just seems cruel to me, i've always been a peacekeeper, i've always stayed nice and civil with people no matter what, to avoid confrontations, awkwardness, fights, etc. It seems like the higher road to me, something a smart respectable person would do.

How would you feel if he wasn't honest about his feelings? I think with each relationship it's practice and being direct with feelings isn't easy for everyone. Let alone communicating feelings to begin with. So while I think you should, I think you should also accept that yes, things will probably get weird. And that's okay.


Well there are 2 reasons I haven't told him how I felt. The main one is because he said he didn't want a girlfriend so why would I in my right mind tell him I wanted to be his girlfriend!? lol That's just asking for him to freeze up and pull away. The other reason is because of work, since we have to be together so much, I don't want things to get so bad that I have to quit my job. And like I said up there, I like to keep things civil to avoid uncomfortable situations. My job is too important to me to risk it.

Do you think you are not deserving of love? Do you deserve to be emotionally battered? does that person deserve to be put in the predicament unknowingly. maybe he isn't aware of how much you are hurting. If you haven't even attempted, nor tried to communicate any pain, you have a problem that begins with you, and has nothing to do with him. No one deserves to be in emotional pain.

I KNOW i'm deserving of love. No I don't deserve to be emotionally battered but I know he isn't doing it on purpose. He treats me GREAT, it's just that he doesn't want anything serious, which isn't a crime, he has the right to want and he wants and I know that. That is why I don't want to cut things off, then it would be like i'm punishing him for not wanting to be with me and he might feel pressured to give in just to be able to keep talking to me.
Considering your age and no doubt phase you are with your own personal healing, I would suggest to lie and say you are seeing someone else and that it makes you uncomfortable now.


One thing i've always been proud of myself for is my inability to lie. I've never felt comfortable with lying, and when I've tried to do it, I can't keep a straight face or I get my lies screwed up and it isn't believeable. I am proud of my honesty and won't create some fake story just to see how he reacts. Besides, he knows I have no time to date anyone, i'm always here! lol

are you highly conscious? really? does fear come from a conscious place? do we wake up in the morning and say, "I think I'm gonna be afraid today". no. we don't. So .. are you conscious. Are you "enlightened awakened" .. REALLY? I am not meaning to be offensive although I'm aware you might be. Rather, in order to be enlightened, one must be first, in the dark. and correct me if I'm wrong but, it appears you are currently, in the dark. This is good. because now you can in turn, become enlightened. as opposed to someone who has never been given the opportunity.
Yes I do believe I am highly conscious. Being depressed (if thats what you meant by in the dark) isn't a prerequisite to becoming enlightened. We may have different definitions of that word.

The would be showing this person respect. Love with respect to their nature.
They would not be showering them with rewards for being unloving.


Well I am respecting his nature, that's for sure...but I wouldn't say i'm showering him with rewards for being unloving. The only reward he gets is that I show him affection back after he shows it to me, so it's pretty even.

How would this benefit your spirit?


I don't know how loving someone COULDN'T benefit your spirit. Love is what we are. It's the only thing that is real.

you need to stop putting yourself on a higher plane then other people. It's isolating.
I'm not putting myself on a higher plane, exactly...i'm becoming awakened/enlightened/conscious to what we all have the potential to be, i'm not saying i'm better than anybody else. We all will take this journey eventually anyway. And it IS isolating, the process of it, that's actually one of the first signs that it is happening. But I don't mean to say i'm above anyone else, i'm just at a different point in my journey.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Like many 'spiritual' people you sound like you have a 'rescuer' fetish.

I'll be blunt; you can be a martyr for your spiritual ideals, or you can try to find a fulfilling relationship.
I have always had a "rescuer fetish", but that came long before my spirituality happened. What it stems from is seeing so many guys (like this guy I like) who don't believe there are decent women out there who won't cheat on them, or try to kill or injure them (like my guy had happen to him). Or guys who don't think they are loveable (something I suspect this guy has an issue with, I didn't go into detail about that though). And I just like to help people, make them feel good. These are all not selfish acts, I don't feel this way to benefit myself, I want to make a man feel loved and cherished, that's all!
 

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And I just like to help people, make them feel good. These are all not selfish acts, I don't feel this way to benefit myself, I want to make a man feel loved and cherished, that's all!
If you only want him to feel loved and cherished, and truly don't care about feeling loved and cherished in return, then continue.

IME of being around and researching 'spiritual folk', expressing the desire for reciprocity is taboo, even though it's part of the human condition.

I think you have an internal conflict between your human desire for reciprocity, and your spiritual ideal of unconditional love.

What it stems from is seeing so many guys (like this guy I like) who don't believe there are decent women out there who won't cheat on them, or try to kill or injure them (like my guy had happen to him). Or guys who don't think they are loveable (something I suspect this guy has an issue with, I didn't go into detail about that though).
You sound like you have a good heart. I wish you well.

If you find a man, and treat him well (regardless of who it is) IMO you are 'healing' mistreated guys. The more relationships we see that are positive the more 'models' we have to aspire towards.

Social proof is a powerful tool for social change.
 

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I normally would, but in this situation with my job, I am only home a few days every other month, so there is no time for dating. I plan on keeping this job until I retire (20 more years at least) so the only men I will be able to get to know are the ones I work with, and half this place is women, most of the men are married or in a relationship or gay, that doesn't leave much. I'm not going to pick the only ones I can find, either, i'm not desperate.
I hate writing too much (less content and more explanations) I hope to explain this well, it goes with all due respect.

You have a chance (you have to think outside the box, your box)
There is a strong pattern here (can't afford to explain or dissect it)
There are threads like this one (what I mean is you could read them and find light, the same advice and opinions apply)
Part of the pattern is a complain, a hope, and then a "BUT" regarding possible solutions (what I mean is you could read another thread, not yours but similar and it will bring some light.

I won't judge you, I can only post my opinion but your purpose in life is to find several purposes, wide open, variety, there is a lot to experience, you won't like some of it, you will like some of the rest, even not liking is a good experience in this context.

I know it sounds weird but I just want to avoid writing too much right now, what might sound worse is another pattern... think and act outside those limitations, and specially as I posted on another thread (sure it sucks) but people with little time, too much work, etc... well we have to think first, for our own sake if it's a good idea to get into a relationship, otherwise we might complain about the only things we can find, not that those are the only ones available.

Another pattern (with all due respect) if you don't like that guy you can explain to yourself the problems and causes, and do something. We could pick just about anyone both man and women and put them as if they are cold or whatever but the main problems is staying there or not finding another option.

I'm not that far from your age so I'm not talking from a teen perspective. And you couldn't possibly believe how many women in my country complain about the same but will stay working so many hours per week. Even a pet will be hurt that way (I love pets).



I disagree with one part, we can't really talk about love or auto diagnose ourselves if we can love ourselves or others, we think we do!!! we like to believe it so. One sexual partner? only one BF? that's fine but that's another pattern, go out, seek, try, taste, sure it will bring pain but joy too. Too much self respect? careful, we humans have a tendency to disguise our problems. It's not that we don't get along, "I love her too much" Just an example. Meaningless sex? I believe we all should taste that at least once, sex not always have to have special meaning, even in marriage, I mean not every meal in a marriage is "special" but it is what it is. About having sex just like that well it depends on personal choice, some can do it, some get hurt a lot.


I hope you find good ways to feel less stress about this. The problem around this hour of the day is drastic turns makes us think too much as if it was a whole life decision (in many ways it is).

IM GLAD you said it there, drop the rescue fetish, many patterns of "he is cold, distant, etc" are not genuine complains, it was chosen that way on purpose, part of the pattern. Many times people who won't think outside the box will stay on that box for too long.




Now this is something I feel I must tell you :)

Around 18 there is a lot of fish around yada yada. The problem around 40 is, it becomes kinda difficult to find good single persons available and interested on getting together for real. Some will be willing but keeping a safe distance, like a couple with previous arrangements (can be cold or not). And casual sex can happen more easily, including very respectable options. Some long time friends live that way, some get married, some won't, the thing is not to focus on sex, it's about sharing life, this concept becomes more obvious the older we get, relax.

I hope to have explained what I wanted the right way, there is no attempt on judging, critics, telling you what to do or trying to diagnose anything. Good luck
 

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To be honest... reading the whole thread I believe you could get a lot done just by talking, really, just sitting with some good friend and talk and talk, I get the feeling more than anything you need to get a lot of things out of your system, you have an explanation and answer for many things. Talking with a good friend for a long continued time will make you see the things yourself.
 

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I know that, but how can anyone learn how to love if they aren't shown love?.
exactly.

well ... Throwing your love towards someone who isn't appreciating it,
I'm sure will be of some help in some way I am not wise enough to understand, earth goddess.

know that I had only the best of intentions sharing my perspective.
I'm sure you know what is best, for you. I wish you the best. I hope you enjoy the forums :)
 

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"and the man that i'm in love with is one of those types that is closed off emotionally, he's jaded and bitter towards women, doesn't involve feelings with women, told me he doesn't talk about his feelings, he doesn't want a girlfriend, etc."

You are wasting your time expecting a man like him to love you. I suggest going into counseling so you can find ways of loving someone who has the capacity of loving you.
 

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Honestly it seems like so much time spent together does not allow both parties to truly miss or gain perspective of what love is versus what love is not, when all too often 'love' may become affection or kindness dependent, while you seem to have not asked this guy what his version of love actually is in this scenario (does he want to receive more than give, seek to express fondness in touch, feel the pull of family life, know he has less opportunity for socialising on his level, live through his career over settling down, convey love in deep respect etc).

*Encourages you to research love languages and 4 biblical loves as a basis of exploration alongside direct questions to this guy over maintaining ambiguity*
 

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True, but I am already 40 years old, I really don't want to meet the man of my dreams when I'm 60. I want to share my life with someone, not find someone and then sit around in a nursing home together talking about all the fun we USED to have with other people! lol Ok I might be exaggerating on that but seriously, who wants to meet their soulmate when they're past their prime? I'm not even young now, I already feel like it's almost too late.
And you may still find him. As I said, twenty years is a very long time.

True...but almost every man settles down at some point and they don't wait until they're 60 to do it.
So you plan to wait around, bleeding, until he wakes up and discovers the amazing woman sitting beside him who has so much to give and finally decides to make you official? I hate to throw around the term, but that's a very classic "friendzone" tactic. How would you feel if you found out that a man you weren't interested in but really cared about had stayed with you and been so open and loving because he hoped you would one day let him into your pants?

You can't control who you get emotionally invested in, at least I can't. If a man is cuddling with me in his bed and sharing everything about his life with me, how can I NOT get emotionally invested? lol I don't know how you can get that close to a person and not develop feelings for them. It just blows my mind thinking he might not have them for me after all that. I know women are more emotional than men are, of course, which is probably half the problem, but the other half is that he was raised/taught not to show his feelings. We talked about that too. So of course naturally I think, 'so he doesn't TALK about his feelings, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have any'. I'm always the optimist! lol
There is optimism, and there is willful self-delusion.The latter is what you are doing to yourself. Ask him how he feels. Find out if he views you the same way you view him. Anything else is just wishful thinking on your part and ultimately detrimental to you.

And i'm trying to protect myself, believe me! It's just VERY hard when I can't create any distance from him. We work 84 hours a week, we live here, we are practically side by side 12 hours every day. We have no friends or family here, it's just us coworkers. It's like we are stuck on a deserted island together with no escape!
I don't know where you're at, and I don't need to know. I acknowledge that breaking things off can be terribly difficult when you can't get away from each other. If you have other female friends, perhaps you could keep them with you to kill any potential mood. It'd be tough, but there are ways to do it if you are committed to breaking this off.

lol I know i'm not a horrible person if I don't continue things with him, IF I could even stop, that is...
Do you? You're setting this up as heroically hurting yourself in pursuit of the greater spiritual good. You're such a good person if you continue to give this guy nearly-free access to your body in exchange for something utterly unsatisfying and unfulfilling; that's how you come across.

but I am looking deeper into the situation, seeing him through unconditional accepting eyes, wanting to help him, wanting to be there for him and show him not all women are like the girls he dated ("crazy", in his words).
Say you actually manage to "redeem" him. He dates someone and settles down. It's not you. Then what?
 
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