Personality Cafe banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My ex and I became official 3 months after his first relationship (of 2 months; he was dumped). We were together for 8 months. We are in our mid twenties.

His reasons of breaking up with me included stress, could not cope with my expectations, no longer felt at ease with me, and ultimately, loss of his love/feelings for me. He did admit he missed me around 1 month after break up but then it transformed to “I had no more feelings for you” over the next few weeks.

I’m thinking maybe it’s ME that is the rebound (although we both dedicated our love in the relationship). I tried no contact around 2 months after break up and the longest was 25 days (he didn’t contact me as well) and then I started bombarding him with messages.

The breakup was 4 months ago and now he’s in a new relationship again. I was texting him “if we’re given one more chance I would really cherish it”; then he broke the news to me: “Sorry Iaia, I’m already in a relationship again”. There, I wished him well and stopped the messages.

I used to think (I still do) he had to learn what commitment should be, and now that he is a new relationship, although I wish him well, I think the same old issues would repeat themselves (feeling helpless and overwhelmed by his SO’s needs and expectations which happened to his two previous relationships including the one with me). But I also understand I’m not his counsellor; that’s his own lesson to learn now.

What should my mentality be? In fact after typing all this, I probably have some kind of answer. But what bothers me is that whenever I wake up I still think of my ex, knowing that he has a new girlfriend instead of experiencing and learning about love together with me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,420 Posts
@gravitate
He sounds as though he needs the relationship status rather than the person herself. So basically he just wants to have a girlfriend, no matter who she is. That definitely doesn't sound like something you should cherish nor pursue. If I were you, I would definitely leave those kind of people behind. I personally prefer to be single than being with a guy who wants to have "a girlfriend" as a concept, not that he wants to be with me for who I am.
A very good friend of mine it's in a relationship with a guy like this: they met when he was in a relationship so nothing happened, but then they broke up and no sooner than a month later, he asked my friend out. She's happy that way and maybe by now he does love her, but I am certain that if they break up, he would go find someone else as soon as possible. Needless to say that I do not like that guy, not even a bit.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gravitate

·
Registered
Joined
·
980 Posts
You say “In fact after typing all this, I probably have some kind of answer”
Indeed you have answered your question.
You say: “I used to think (I still do) he had to learn what commitment should be,”

except this question would be better reframed to yourself:
“I used to think (I still do) I had to learn what commitment should be,”
What you learned was “he isn't very good at commitment”

You sound such a lovely gentle person you deserve better
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
4,458 Posts
@gravitate
Keep working on trying to get over him. It's natural to want to figure out why he did what he did, or to wish things were different, but your main goal should be trying to forget about him. On the Internet there are lots of suggestions, etc., about how to do this. It can take some time; be patient with yourself. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
@gravitate
He sounds as though he needs the relationship status rather than the person herself. So basically he just wants to have a girlfriend, no matter who she is. That definitely doesn't sound like something you should cherish nor pursue. If I were you, I would definitely leave those kind of people behind. I personally prefer to be single than being with a guy who wants to have "a girlfriend" as a concept, not that he wants to be with me for who I am.
If I was told this 4 months ago I would be devastated. But what you said sounds true and if I truly love him, I have to let him go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
You say “In fact after typing all this, I probably have some kind of answer”
Indeed you have answered your question.
You say: “I used to think (I still do) he had to learn what commitment should be,”

except this question would be better reframed to yourself:
“I used to think (I still do) I had to learn what commitment should be,”
What you learned was “he isn't very good at commitment”

You sound such a lovely gentle person you deserve better
Thank you for your kind words. I used to think with love, commitment won't be difficult. But I was wrong. Even if it's natural to me, it doesn't mean everyone works the same way. I have come to think in his shoes too. And with understanding, comes real love. Thanks guys.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
118 Posts
It's manipulation. Pure and simple. I changed 15 phone numbers. Every time i tried to get back with an ex it ended in a disaster. Avoid it at all costs. And if you can't forget about him you're not with the right guy. Hope this helps....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,771 Posts
You're giving him things he didn't even ask for. Stop it and move on.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ukulele
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top