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Me: Imagine an alternate universe where you were actually a girl instead of a guy. What would you be like?
ESFP friend: I'd be a slut.
Me: :rolleyes:
 

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Overheard this conversation today between my would be sister-in-law and my would be mother-in-law...

SIL: Mom, I just don't understand why you choose to believe in the Catholic Church <blah blah blah about pedophiles and all the usual arguments against the Catholic Church and how their morals are inconsistent and the Church is just a patriarchy that demeans and devalues women>

MIL: But it's in the Bible.

SIL: Don't you think that if we were an advance society looking back on us, we'd think we' were crazy? I mean look at how we view the ancient Greeks and Romans.

MIL: But they all believe in more than one god. There is only one God.

SIL: How do you know that?

MIL: It's in the bible.

SIL: It could be a complete fiction. People write things all the time that aren't true that they claim is true.

MIL: Well...I'm done with this. Subject change. Have you ever had lefsa?


Me thinking: While I agree with everything SIL said, I know better than to try to convince MIL to give up her religion of 70+ years, and frankly, if that makes MIL feel good about life I've got no business messing up her remaining years. She's allowed to believe what she wants to believe, just like I'd want the same respect to believe what I want to believe. Yep, not touching this conversation with a 40 foot pole.
 

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New Year's Eve at INTJ friend's house:


ENFJ: INTJ, have you ever been on a cruise?
INTJ: I like the river cruises. You glide along on the water and if you've got your binoculars, you can look into people's houses. *troll face*
ENFJ: :| ?
INTJ: I've done the Russian one and the Nile. The Nile was more sexually stimulating, they are less repressed there. *troll face*
ENFJ: :| ?
husband and me: LOL LOL LOL

...
...
...
a guest: Let's all thank INTJ and [wife], and [wife] and INTJ, and INTJ and [wife]
wife: Yes, INTJ forgets me a lot of the time.
INTJ: I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and from [wife's] bottom, as well.
 

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MOTM May 2014
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Went to an awesome retirement/birthday party for a good friend on the 30th. Open bar, everyone was plastered, pretty interesting dynamic and people watching (I don't drink). Most people at the party are introverts, which was also pretty amusing and nice not to be the most awkward person there. Anyway a big shot from the company crashes the party (!) with his wife (! X2).

Him, introducing me to his wife: And this is Jenny. She is is a wise-ass.
Me, smiling: Because I say it how it is?
Him: Nah, it's a little bit more than that. *turns to wife with a grin* Wait, you'll see...
Me: *!?*

I guess I ought to feel bad about being introduced as a wise-ass, but sadly, I take it as a compliment.

Just a couple of minutes later, not even sure what I said, he turns to his wife again and says "See!?" Good to know that I'm amusing.... :-/
 

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MOTM May 2014
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Earlier this year, a coworker was diagnosed with breast cancer and had, among other treatments, a double mastectomy.
Her office mate, S, and I are really good friends, so I pop into her office from time to time to check up on how D is doing.

Me: "So heard anything from D lately? How's she holding up?"
S: "Yeah I just talked with her on the phone yesterday and she is super excited."
Me: "Great to hear! What is she so excited about?"
S: "Because she just found out that they will use fat sucked from her booty and belly to reconstruct her boobs. So she's getting a liposuction AND a boob job."
Me:"Awesome!"
*both of us laughing loudly*

I just love this lady's (D's) attitude! If anyone can beat cancer, it's her!
 

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Years ago in Germany.

Nutty (male) ENFJ professor arrives late with assistant.
ENFJ to assistant: Should we get undressed first? [he meant should they take their coats off]
Me to (female) INTP class mate: Did you hear how he asked 'Should we get undressed?'
INTP, drily, as if replying to prof: No, you can just open your fly, that works, too.
 

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Drinking some damn hot tea with my mother.
Mother: Didn't I teach you how to drink tea from a cup? Why are you drinking from the handle instead of the side?
Me: Actually I'm drinking from all around the cup
Mother: What is wrong with you?
Me: well the side of the cup is cooler so when you tilt the cup to drink the tea transmits heat to wider and not hot surface so it get warm and I can drinking without waiting...
*mother stops listening*
Me: ... and the awesome thing is that you can repeat this aaaaall around the cup.
 

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Me: Guys, have you watched the "Theory of Everything"? It's the biography of Stephen Hawkings and it's amazing!
Random work colleague: I don't know who that guy is
 

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Me: *joking about a girl* You know, I hope she doesn't like me. I'm like a dog chasing a car, I wouldn't know what to do if I actually caught one.
INFP friend: You lift up your leg and piss on the tire.
Me: ...What is the tire in this analogy?
INFP friend: Her sense of humor. Lifting the leg is you opening your mouth, and the piss is the corny jokes that are always coming out of your mouth.
Me: Ouch... I think I'm gonna need to go to the emergency room after a burn like that one.
 

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I have an entire document called "Skype Bullshit", and I present it to you now.

Bear in mind that parts of it are really inappropriate, partly (possibly) some image links that automatically loaded. A few things are repeated and I can't be bothered to remove them.

I am 'Lawd Satin'.

 

[12:33:49 AM] Lawd Satin: you really gotta appreciate the little things in life
[12:34:08 AM] Lawd Satin: like writing about mercilessly slaughtering five year olds
[12:34:19 AM] { agent maine.: i want that on a shirt
[12:34:48 AM] { agent maine.: "you really gotta appreciate the little things in life. like writing about mercilessly slaughtering five year olds."

[12:47:06 AM] Lawd Satin: we should remember that so it can be made into a shirt though.
[12:47:10 AM] Lawd Satin: I wonder how well that would go
[12:47:29 AM] Lawd Satin: probably like Lucifer shitting on a crucified Jesus in church would
[12:47:51 AM] { agent maine.: what a fucking mental picture that was
[12:47:54 AM] { agent maine.: lmfao
[12:48:12 AM] Lawd Satin: I figured "like a fart in church" wasn't enough

[12:48:33 AM] { agent maine.: that reminds me of the one time i actually went to church.
[12:48:40 AM] { agent maine.: that was eventful
[12:48:50 AM] Lawd Satin: tell me more
[12:49:03 AM] { agent maine.: everyone was dressed nicely, then there's me. t-shirt and torn jeans.
[12:49:19 AM] { agent maine.: had soft, silent farts.
[12:49:25 AM] { agent maine.: the whole time, too.
[12:49:32 AM] Lawd Satin: lmfao
[12:49:37 AM] { agent maine.: i was about 8 or 9 at the time too
[12:49:39 AM] Lawd Satin: glory be to jesus -toot-
[12:49:49 AM] { agent maine.: so i did not understand like 90% of what was going on
[12:49:54 AM] Lawd Satin: GOOOOD IS AN AWESOME GOD HE ISSSS -covert squeaking fart-
[12:49:59 AM] { agent maine.: i just knew i was out of place and everything smelled
[12:50:11 AM] Lawd Satin: "I just knew I was out of place and everything smelled"
[12:50:17 AM] Lawd Satin: howie mandell in a homeless shelter
[12:50:24 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO

[12:55:19 AM] Lawd Satin: imagine him being punk'd or something
[12:55:28 AM] Lawd Satin: or paid a lot of money to work in a soup kitchen in like
[12:55:31 AM] Lawd Satin: the bronx
[12:55:52 AM] Lawd Satin: and everyone knows who he is and wants to hug him and is like GOD BLESS
[12:55:54 AM] Lawd Satin: and just
[12:56:02 AM] Lawd Satin: he dies.
[12:56:06 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
[12:56:21 AM] Lawd Satin: "mr mandell can I rub your head for good luck"

[12:56:48 AM] Lawd Satin: /whispering man in background "do it for the viewers howie"
[12:57:08 AM] Lawd Satin: "you ARE the real Mr. Clean"
[12:57:12 AM] Lawd Satin: "it's the least you can do"
[12:57:25 AM] Lawd Satin: I can just see him doing it
[12:57:26 AM] Lawd Satin: hating it
[12:57:38 AM] Lawd Satin: then committing seppuku or drowning himself in hand sanitizer in the bathroom during a break
[12:57:50 AM] Lawd Satin: comes back fresh-faced and smelling like purell
[12:58:22 AM] { agent maine.: Amazon.com : Maybe You Touched Your Genitals" Hand Sanitizer : Gifts For Men : Beauty he drowns himself in this.

[1:01:18 AM] Lawd Satin: "howie. you are being paid a bajillion dollars for this /just let the man hug you/"
[1:01:26 AM] Lawd Satin: he shall be missed
[1:01:39 AM] Lawd Satin: he won't have a grave
[1:01:49 AM] Lawd Satin: he cremated himself so his body won't get eaten by worms
[1:02:23 AM] Lawd Satin: he needs this one in case someone actually did before touching him Amazon.com : BlueQ Oops I Sharted Myself Hand Sanitizer 2oz : Beauty
[1:02:26 AM] { agent maine.: what if the worms ate his ashes
[1:02:33 AM] Lawd Satin: idk
[1:02:34 AM] Lawd Satin: who knows
[1:02:38 AM] Lawd Satin: maybe he'd want them in the ocean
[1:02:44 AM] Lawd Satin: where they can be eaten and shit out by fish
[1:02:50 AM] Lawd Satin: there's no winning for him
[1:02:58 AM] Lawd Satin: but at least he'd go to heaven clean (ideally)
[1:03:32 AM] Lawd Satin: him in heaven http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z148/luffyduffy247/Funny/bedazzled2.jpg

[1:20:21 AM] { agent maine.: [12:32:57 AM] Lawd Satin: time to make my ass hurt in the good way http://media.tumblr.com/a189381472d1fa9fe28923a0f5ccdd2b/tumblr_inline_n6nr22uxqE1s1xmpn.jpg
[12:36:56 AM] { agent maine.: o bby. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) i can help with that.
i'm still laughing over this tbh

[11/14/2014 2:30:30 AM] Lawd Satin: that is my name for boob sweat: water tits
[11/14/2014 2:30:58 AM] { agent maine.: amazing
[11/14/2014 2:32:10 AM] Lawd Satin: feadrah: that is my name for boob sweat: water tits
---: hahahahahaha
---: smelly water tits ><
feadrah: oh god
feadrah: water tits sounds so much worse with smelly attached
feadrah: like
feadrah: "smelly underboob sweat" doesn't sound as bad
feadrah: "smelly water tits" sounds mephitic
feadrah: how about
feadrah: malodorous water tits
feadrah: NO
feadrah: FUSTY BUST
feadrah: YES
feadrah: LMFAO
[1:21:48 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO








[1:23:54 AM] Lawd Satin: oh man
[1:24:02 AM] Lawd Satin: what would happen if we were a comedy duo
[1:24:12 AM] Lawd Satin: would we even be able to tell any of the jokes to other people
[1:24:17 AM] Lawd Satin: they'd probably kill us first
[1:25:20 AM] { agent maine.: we'd be lynched after the first joke
[1:26:04 AM] Lawd Satin: lmfao
[1:26:28 AM] Lawd Satin: let's tell the howie mandell set as a stand-up comedy thing to the judges of AGT
[1:26:48 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
[1:26:53 AM] Lawd Satin: something tells me howard stern would fucking
[1:26:54 AM] Lawd Satin: die

[1:28:22 AM] { agent maine.: on the note of water dildos
[1:28:28 AM] { agent maine.: like
[1:28:32 AM] { agent maine.: when you jump in a pool of water
[1:28:38 AM] Lawd Satin: [Thursday, November 06, 2014 9:51 PM] Lawd Satin:

<<< jess
hello
daily reminder
to call me maybe
as I am residing in a pure, unadulterated supermassive black hole
with water dicks and dogfish
that's all
[1:28:39 AM] { agent maine.: if you have no panties or anything on
[1:28:50 AM] { agent maine.: -- i hope you choke on a water dick --
[1:28:53 AM] { agent maine.: wouldn't the water like
[1:28:55 AM] { agent maine.: rush up your vag
[1:28:56 AM] { agent maine.: and
[1:29:00 AM] { agent maine.: /become the water dildo/.

[Tuesday, October 28, 2014 8:56 PM] { agent maine.:

<<< This week on “I found it in the McDonald’s bathroom”
https://41.media.tumblr.com/7ac4388a73a9379ee6a790708fa7f013/tumblr_n5xclmwCXw1rnqlk4o1_500.jpg
[1:30:07 AM] { agent maine.: it looks
[1:30:10 AM] { agent maine.: kind of like a mushroom
[1:30:47 AM] { agent maine.: Screenshot by Lightshot
[1:30:56 AM] Lawd Satin: [10/28/2014 8:59:15 PM] Lawd Satin: also that second picture
[10/28/2014 8:59:24 PM] Lawd Satin: part of the floor tile blended in with the fish's face for me
[10/28/2014 8:59:32 PM] Lawd Satin: so I stared and legit thought it was a fish with like
[10/28/2014 8:59:36 PM | Edited 8:59:44 PM] Lawd Satin: a photoshopped dog's face
[10/28/2014 8:59:38 PM] Lawd Satin: for a second
[10/28/2014 8:59:55 PM] Lawd Satin: I was like "why does that fish look like it has a muzzle what is going on"
[10/28/2014 9:00:19 PM] Lawd Satin: from far away
[10/28/2014 9:00:22 PM] Lawd Satin: if you squint
[10/28/2014 9:00:26 PM] Lawd Satin: it legit looks like a dog.
[10/28/2014 9:00:37 PM] Lawd Satin: like a fucking beagle or something
[10/28/2014 9:00:48 PM] Lawd Satin: kira, the person who can make beagles out of fish
[10/28/2014 9:02:11 PM] { king asshole.: kira how
[10/28/2014 9:02:22 PM] Lawd Satin: LOOK AT IT THROUGH MY EYES
[10/28/2014 9:02:27 PM] Lawd Satin: DON'T LOOK AT IT LIKE A FISH
[10/28/2014 9:02:32 PM] Lawd Satin: LOOK AT IT LIKE A THING ON THE GROUND
[10/28/2014 9:02:42 PM] Lawd Satin: THEN LOOK AT ITS FACE AND SEE HOW THE FLOOR MELDS WITH ITS DEAD EYES
[10/28/2014 9:02:44 PM] { king asshole.: [Tuesday, October 28, 2014 9:02 PM] Lawd Satin:

<<< LOOK AT IT LIKE A THING ON THE GROUNDamazing
[10/28/2014 9:02:45 PM] Lawd Satin: AND IT LOOKS LIKE A DOG.
[10/28/2014 9:03:02 PM] Lawd Satin: I'm the person who sees faces in the most mundane things okay
[10/28/2014 9:03:38 PM] Lawd Satin: I kept one of the tabs for my pad box once because the way it was designed it had two silver ovals to keep it shut, then the tab opening
[10/28/2014 9:03:49 PM] Lawd Satin: so it looked like it had two eyes and a very disgruntled face
[10/28/2014 9:04:05 PM] Lawd Satin: which is very legit for someone with god-tier cramps
[10/28/2014 9:04:08 PM] Lawd Satin: "FUCK D:"
[10/28/2014 9:05:06 PM] Lawd Satin: I dearly want you to see the dog so I don't feel like I'm even more insane than usual
[10/28/2014 9:06:46 PM] Lawd Satin: I cannot unsee the dog
[10/28/2014 9:06:48 PM] Lawd Satin: I'm sorry
[10/28/2014 9:06:54 PM] { king asshole.: i do not see the dog
[10/28/2014 9:07:03 PM] { king asshole.: i'm trying and i don't see it
[10/28/2014 9:07:16 PM] Lawd Satin: okay look at its face
[10/28/2014 9:07:19 PM] Lawd Satin: there's the tile
[10/28/2014 9:07:25 PM] Lawd Satin: now zoom out
with your eyes
[10/28/2014 9:07:39 PM] Lawd Satin: and look at it with the shape of the tile connected to its body and the top of its head
[10/28/2014 9:07:46 PM] { king asshole.: I CANNOT ZOOM OUT MY EYES KIRA EYES DON'T WORK LIKE THAT
[10/28/2014 9:07:52 PM] Lawd Satin: YES THEY DO
[10/28/2014 9:07:56 PM] Lawd Satin: -EYES ZOOM IN ON YOU-
[10/28/2014 9:07:59 PM] Lawd Satin: I SEE YOUR NIPPLES
[10/28/2014 9:08:19 PM] { king asshole.: -nipples scream in horror-
[10/28/2014 9:08:31 PM] Lawd Satin: I just imagined your nipples were mouths
[10/28/2014 9:08:33 PM] Lawd Satin: screaming
[10/28/2014 9:08:35 PM] Lawd Satin: in my face
[10/28/2014 9:09:06 PM] Lawd Satin: like
[10/28/2014 9:09:10 PM] Lawd Satin: little baby's ice cream
[10/28/2014 9:09:14 PM] Lawd Satin: will make your nipples scream
[10/28/2014 9:09:29 PM] Lawd Satin: apply directly to the breast
[10/28/2014 9:10:18 PM] Lawd Satin: your screaming nipples and fish-dog would make a good team
[10/28/2014 9:10:24 PM] Lawd Satin: or dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:11:10 PM] { king asshole.: kira please go sleep
[10/28/2014 9:11:17 PM] Lawd Satin: but I'm not tired
[10/28/2014 9:11:28 PM] { king asshole.: /go the fuck to sleep/

[10/28/2014 9:21:31 PM] Lawd Satin: maybe they'll see the dog
[10/28/2014 9:25:19 PM] { king asshole.: i don't think they're going to see the dog
[10/28/2014 9:25:26 PM] Lawd Satin: what if they do
[10/28/2014 9:25:33 PM] Lawd Satin: what would you do
[10/28/2014 9:25:50 PM] { king asshole.: shit a literal dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:26:06 PM] Lawd Satin: I'm about to choke on my water
[10/28/2014 9:26:31 PM] { king asshole.: imagine your water is a dick and you're deepthroating it
[10/28/2014 9:26:37 PM] { king asshole.: now just swallow
[10/28/2014 9:26:39 PM] { king asshole.: you'll be okay
[10/28/2014 9:26:46 PM] Lawd Satin: I already did
[10/28/2014 9:26:54 PM] Lawd Satin: man when I'm old
[10/28/2014 9:27:01 PM] Lawd Satin: I'm going to have monstrous laugh lines
[10/28/2014 9:27:09 PM] Lawd Satin: I can't fucking feel my face
[10/28/2014 9:27:26 PM] Lawd Satin: I really fucking hope they see the dog
[10/28/2014 9:28:57 PM] { king asshole.: what would you do if i did shit a dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:29:29 PM] Lawd Satin: you owe me one dogfish so far
[10/28/2014 9:29:47 PM] Lawd Satin: I went to see Liz when she cried about a fish in a mcd's bathroom and she read it
[10/28/2014 9:29:49 PM] Lawd Satin: tilted her head
[10/28/2014 9:29:53 PM] Lawd Satin: and said "I get what you mean"
[10/28/2014 9:30:01 PM] { king asshole.: i will make my next shit and make you a dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:30:08 PM] { king asshole.: what is englsih
[10/28/2014 9:30:14 PM] Lawd Satin: you'll make me a dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:30:16 PM] Lawd Satin: literally
[10/28/2014 9:30:18 PM] { king asshole.: *i will take my next shit and make you a dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:30:20 PM] Lawd Satin: I don't want to be a dogfish
[10/28/2014 9:30:53 PM | Edited 9:31:03 PM] Lawd Satin: if this other person replies with 'yes' I want to see you shit two dogfish at once
[10/28/2014 9:31:13 PM] Lawd Satin: while they bark in your ass

[10/28/2014 9:36:47 PM] Lawd Satin: I hope you know I laughed a good five minutes at this
[10/28/2014 9:37:05 PM] Lawd Satin: I hope this goes into the annals of history with supermassive black hole and dicksocket
[10/28/2014 9:37:09 PM] { king asshole.: i hope every time you drink water, you think of me and deepthroating dicks.
[10/28/2014 9:37:26 PM] Lawd Satin: I was lifting my water to my mouth as you sent that
[10/28/2014 9:37:29 PM] Lawd Satin: read it
[10/28/2014 9:37:33 PM] Lawd Satin: laughed ass off
[10/28/2014 9:38:16 PM] { king asshole.: and i hope every time you think of me, you think of water dicks.
[10/28/2014 9:38:28 PM] { king asshole.: what if when you swallowed water it made the shape of a dick
[10/28/2014 9:38:59 PM] Lawd Satin: Screenshot by Lightshot
[10/28/2014 9:39:01 PM] Lawd Satin: pay up
[10/28/2014 9:39:06 PM] Lawd Satin: I demand at least half a dogfish for that
[10/28/2014 9:39:26 PM] { king asshole.: damn it
[10/28/2014 9:39:36 PM] Lawd Satin: how do you not see it
[10/28/2014 9:39:38 PM] Lawd Satin: join us
[10/28/2014 9:39:40 PM] Lawd Satin: /join us/
[10/28/2014 9:40:25 PM] Lawd Satin: if we were a comedy duo
[10/28/2014 9:40:27 PM] Lawd Satin: jess and kira
[10/28/2014 9:40:30 PM] Lawd Satin: jeera

[10/28/2014 9:41:00 PM] Lawd Satin: also the dicks bit
[10/28/2014 9:41:06 PM] Lawd Satin: water dicks make me think of water beds
[10/28/2014 9:41:15 PM] Lawd Satin: what would that feel like if they made a safe, durable water dildo like that
[10/28/2014 9:41:38 PM] { king asshole.: probably better than my ex
[10/28/2014 9:42:21 PM] Lawd Satin: this is why jeera would work

[10/28/2014 9:42:52 PM] { king asshole.: https://38.media.tumblr.com/a71e7cf0b6d6e92556a48c1bdd850935/tumblr_ne10xzWlj91t69c5wo1_500.jpg
[10/28/2014 9:45:04 PM] Lawd Satin: did she just see a water dick
[10/28/2014 9:45:32 PM] { king asshole.: i want to make another joke about tyler's dick i'm terrible
[10/28/2014 9:45:51 PM] Lawd Satin: do it
[10/28/2014 9:46:21 PM] { king asshole.: she saw the chode that was my ex
[10/28/2014 9:46:26 PM] { king asshole.: the horrid lil chode
[10/28/2014 9:48:16 PM] Lawd Satin: great
[10/28/2014 9:48:24 PM] Lawd Satin: now I imagined a tiny dick just rolling up
[10/28/2014 9:48:32 PM] Lawd Satin: and saying in a munchkin voice
[10/28/2014 9:48:33 PM] Lawd Satin: herro
[10/28/2014 9:55:05 PM] { king asshole.: LMAO

[10/28/2014 9:48:24 PM] Lawd Satin: now I imagined a tiny dick just rolling up
[10/28/2014 9:48:32 PM] Lawd Satin: and saying in a munchkin voice
[10/28/2014 9:48:33 PM] Lawd Satin: herro
[1:50:58 AM] Lawd Satin: what if tyler's dick said that to you
[1:51:04 AM] Lawd Satin: what if tyler found out we said all this
[1:51:07 AM] Lawd Satin: how hard would you laugh
[1:51:14 AM] Lawd Satin: I would laugh myself into the stratosphere
[1:51:23 AM] { agent maine.: i would probably shit, piss, and throw up from laughing.
[1:51:36 AM] Lawd Satin: that's a lot of bodily functions for some laughter
[1:51:42 AM] Lawd Satin: we should tell him
[1:51:54 AM] Lawd Satin: I should tell him
[1:52:03 AM] Lawd Satin: "we think your dick represents the lollipop king"
[1:52:07 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
[1:52:23 AM] Lawd Satin: not even the wicked witch of the west wants that
[1:52:27 AM] Lawd Satin: and she hangs with flying monkeys
[1:52:37 AM] { agent maine.: i wanted to make some kind of reply to that about needing to make up for the three years of never cumming because of him, but couldn't find a way to word it.
[1:52:44 AM] { agent maine.: so, picture that
[1:52:47 AM] { agent maine.: without my dumb ass saying it
[1:52:50 AM] { agent maine.: so it's funny
[1:52:52 AM] { agent maine.: lmfao
[1:52:52 AM] Lawd Satin: maybe if he follows the yellow brick road he can ask the wizard for a dick enlargement
[1:53:19 AM] Lawd Satin: how about
[1:53:54 AM] Lawd Satin: "I was waiting for a tornado ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) but it never came"
[1:54:13 AM] Lawd Satin: "we're not in kansas anymore"


"/we never fucking got there/"
[1:54:21 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
[1:54:36 AM] Lawd Satin: I am an asshole
[1:54:48 AM] { agent maine.: you're a wonderful asshole
[1:55:03 AM] { agent maine.: you're also a wonderful asshole to mow ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)



[10/14/2014 7:19:25 PM] Lawd Satin: -moves something-
-spiderweb vibrates-
-spider comes out having a seizure-
[10/14/2014 7:19:29 PM] Lawd Satin: I wonder what that feels like
[10/14/2014 7:19:36 PM] Lawd Satin: like 13 richter scale earthquake
[10/14/2014 7:19:42 PM] Lawd Satin: HOLLYYYYY FUCKING SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
[10/14/2014 7:19:48 PM] { king asshole.: LMFAO
[10/14/2014 7:20:18 PM] Lawd Satin: I laughed too don't worry
I was like "damn that's shaking pretty hard, I wonder if it feels like an earthquake to it" because it was shaking so hard the spider /blurred/
[10/14/2014 7:21:50 PM] { king asshole.: i shouldn't be laughing this hard
[10/14/2014 7:22:29 PM] Lawd Satin: if you saw it yourself
[10/14/2014 7:22:34 PM] Lawd Satin: you would laugh just as hard
[10/14/2014 7:22:45 PM] Lawd Satin: it's one of those small daddy long legs like ones
[10/14/2014 7:22:49 PM] Lawd Satin: so it was like
[10/14/2014 7:22:53 PM] Lawd Satin: fucking rave status earthquake
[10/14/2014 7:23:00 PM] Lawd Satin: put on the rainbow strobe lights
[10/14/2014 7:23:05 PM] Lawd Satin: party fucking hard
[10/14/2014 7:23:08 PM] { king asshole.: KIRA PLEASE I NEED TO PEE THIS ISN'T HELPING
[10/14/2014 7:23:34 PM] Lawd Satin: oh look it's moving
maybe it's like "it's finally over thank god time to leave"

lemme see what happens if I move something
[10/14/2014 7:23:42 PM] Lawd Satin: LOL
[10/14/2014 7:23:44 PM] Lawd Satin: L O L
[10/14/2014 7:23:48 PM] Lawd Satin: GO SPIDER GO
[10/14/2014 7:24:09 PM] { king asshole.: malevolent god, kira.

[1:40:21 AM] Lawd Satin: why does this happen between us
[1:40:23 AM] Lawd Satin: what causes this
[1:40:52 AM] { agent maine.: i don’t know
[1:41:18 AM] Lawd Satin: if you i son’r lmoq
[1:41:20 AM] { agent maine.: maybe it’s the water dicks. maybe we’ve choked on too many.
maybe it’s maybelline.
[1:41:21 AM] Lawd Satin: is2fg
[1:41:28 AM] Lawd Satin: that f was unintentional
[1:41:35 AM] Lawd Satin: LMFAO
[1:41:38 AM] Lawd Satin: L M F A O
[1:41:41 AM] Lawd Satin: I can’t
[1:41:45 AM] Lawd Satin: I need to add that to the last one
[1:43:43 AM] { agent maine.: what if you were fucking a light socket while drinking dick shaped water
[1:43:50 AM] Lawd Satin: idk
[1:43:54 AM] Lawd Satin: would it electrocute you
[1:43:58 AM] Lawd Satin: with the double dick power
[1:44:00 AM] { agent maine.: what if you fucked the light socket with dick shaped water.
[1:44:01 AM] Lawd Satin: EARTH
[1:44:03 AM] Lawd Satin: ELECTRIC
[1:44:04 AM] Lawd Satin: DICKS
[1:44:07 AM] Lawd Satin: YOUR POWER COMBINED
[1:44:14 AM] Lawd Satin: MAKES CAPTAIN CUCKOLD
[1:44:25 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
how could you fuck a lightsocket with dick-shaped water
[1:44:41 AM] Lawd Satin: do you mean like
[1:44:47 AM] Lawd Satin: without a form to shape it
[1:44:50 AM] Lawd Satin: or inside something
[1:44:51 AM] Lawd Satin: and it pops
[1:45:11 AM] { agent maine.: ~*~ magic ~*~

[1:48:28 AM] Lawd Satin: gently reminds you that jeera is a pun
[1:48:38 AM] { agent maine.: jeera sounds like a ship name
[1:48:44 AM] Lawd Satin: since all the audience would be doing is jeering at us
[1:48:48 AM] Lawd Satin: also lmao.
[1:48:49 AM] { agent maine.: like if tumblr was to start shipping us
[1:48:55 AM] { agent maine.: it'd be jeera
[1:49:09 AM] Lawd Satin: http://replygif.net/thumbnail/172.gif please don't give them ideas
[1:49:24 AM] { agent maine.: gives them ideas.
[1:49:27 AM] Lawd Satin: we probably are already someone's otp
[1:49:29 AM] Lawd Satin: dunno who yet
[1:49:39 AM] Lawd Satin: you know
[1:49:40 AM] Lawd Satin: rule 34
[1:49:45 AM] Lawd Satin: if it exists, there is porn of it
[1:49:51 AM] Lawd Satin: kinky jeera fanfiction

[2:10:15 AM] { agent maine.: [4:09:00 AM] Josh: FUCK
[4:09:00 AM] Josh: YOUR
[4:09:01 AM] Josh: SHIT
[4:09:03 AM] Josh: (n-word)
[4:09:14 AM] { agent maine.: do not fuck my shit. do not stick your dick in my shit.
[4:09:19 AM] { agent maine.: you don't know where my ass has been.
[4:09:22 AM] Josh: FUCK YOU
[4:09:22 AM] Josh: JUST
[4:09:23 AM] { agent maine.: it's
[4:09:24 AM] Josh: FUCK
[4:09:24 AM] Josh: YOU
[4:09:26 AM] { agent maine.: /seen some shit/.
[4:09:28 AM] Josh: ...
[4:09:30 AM] Josh: i hate you
[4:09:31 AM] Josh: so much
[4:09:37 AM] { agent maine.: i love myself so much
[4:09:42 AM] Josh: yOU HAVE NO IDEA
[4:09:46 AM] Josh: HOW MUCH I WANT TO STRANGLE YOU
[2:10:29 AM] Lawd Satin: it's seen some shit
[2:10:35 AM] Lawd Satin: I wish I could high five you
[2:10:36 AM] Lawd Satin: lmfao
[2:11:11 AM] Lawd Satin: I mean, Jess
[2:11:14 AM] Lawd Satin: you could have been nicer
[2:11:19 AM] Lawd Satin: that was pretty shitty of you
[2:11:28 AM] Lawd Satin: I'm sure he's flush with anger right now
[2:12:02 AM] Lawd Satin: but I won't pooh-pooh your methods
[2:12:02 AM] { agent maine.: i am crying from laughter right now
[2:13:22 AM] Lawd Satin: I can't laugh
[2:13:25 AM] Lawd Satin: I might piss myself
[2:14:58 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:13:39 AM] Josh: I HATE YOU
[2:13:58 AM] *** Lawd Satin has shared contact details with Josh. ***
[2:14:02 AM] Lawd Satin: BUT I LOVE YOU
[2:14:07 AM] Josh: KILLING MYSELF
[2:14:08 AM] Josh: TOO LATE
[2:14:11 AM] Josh: NOTHING LEFT
[2:14:12 AM] Josh: TO
[2:14:12 AM] Josh: LIVE
[2:14:12 AM] Josh: FOR
[2:14:13 AM] Lawd Satin: I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT
[2:14:18 AM] Josh: FUCKING STUPID PU N S
[2:14:38 AM] Lawd Satin: spewing excrement is an art
[2:15:19 AM] { agent maine.: [4:14:12 AM] { agent maine.: adding lawd satin to skype that's a ballsy move
[4:14:18 AM] { agent maine.: you don't know what kind of shit they're gonna pull on you
[4:14:23 AM] Josh: FUCK YOU
[4:14:26 AM] { agent maine.: they have some really, /shitty/ ways.
[4:14:30 AM] Josh: IM GOING TO HURT YOU
[4:14:41 AM] { agent maine.: they're also a real /ass/hole.
[4:15:03 AM] Josh: brb getting gun
[2:15:25 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:14:59 AM] Josh: im going to go get my gun
[2:15:14 AM] Lawd Satin: and blow it out your ass
Josh
[2:15:41 AM] Lawd Satin: now I'm crying
[2:15:49 AM] Lawd Satin: we're really shitty people
[2:15:59 AM] { agent maine.: yeah we are
[2:16:13 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:15:54 AM] Lawd Satin: say, Mr. Josh.
[2:16:00 AM] Lawd Satin: do you like shitake mushrooms?
[2:16:08 AM] Lawd Satin: or do you think they're kinda crap
Josh
[2:16:13 AM] { agent maine.: [2:15 AM] { agent maine.:

<<< we should really just, put this all /behind/ us. /flush/ it down the drain like the /bullshit/ it is.i'm crying these are so fucking bad i love it
[2:17:32 AM] { agent maine.: Screenshot by Lightshot might like this song a little.
[2:17:33 AM] { agent maine.: just a little.
[2:17:38 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:17 AM] Lawd Satin:

<<< I bet your threats are just a bunch of heiferdust :u
[2:17:55 AM] Lawd Satin: Make some puns about poo, please • Non-Gaming • General Non-gaming • Eurogamer.net
[2:17:59 AM] Lawd Satin: enjoy
[2:18:04 AM] { agent maine.:
get hooked to it like i am
[2:18:19 AM] { agent maine.: bless you
[2:18:20 AM] Lawd Satin: "is this the start of some kind of movement"
[2:18:21 AM] Lawd Satin: lmfao
[2:18:26 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
[2:19:04 AM] Lawd Satin: Isn't this the number two thread on this topic?
[2:19:29 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:18:54 AM] Josh: yEAH WELL
[2:18:55 AM] Josh: I BET
[2:18:57 AM] Josh: YOU'REA
[2:18:59 AM] Josh: JERK
[2:18:59 AM] Josh: HA
[2:19:11 AM] Lawd Satin: nah
[2:19:17 AM] Lawd Satin: I'm only number two in jerks
[2:19:47 AM] { agent maine.: i love you so fucking much lmfao
[2:19:56 AM] Lawd Satin: he made the mistake of adding me
[2:20:06 AM] Lawd Satin: now I'm having a blast
[2:20:08 AM] { agent maine.: it's beautiful
[2:20:55 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:20 AM] Lawd Satin:

<<< I'm sorry. I know I'm really pooshing it.
[2:21:25 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:21 AM] Lawd Satin:

<<< have you turd enough yet or are you stool going to be here
[2:21:37 AM] { agent maine.: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO FUCKING SEND HIM ONE LIKE THAT
[2:21:42 AM] { agent maine.: "have you turd enough?"
[2:22:24 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:22 AM] Lawd Satin:

<<< I really do apologize. I'm such a shithead. Butt I can't help it, it's in my jeans.
[2:22:31 AM] Lawd Satin: that one was on the fly
[2:24:35 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:23:15 AM] Josh: why
[2:23:16 AM] Josh: why
[2:23:17 AM] Josh: wh y
[2:23:42 AM] Lawd Satin: I dunno. I feel the need to dump all of these on someone. I guess them seeing the rest of the world is just a pipe dream.
[2:24:03 AM] Lawd Satin: I'm sure you're sick of seeing our faeces.
[2:24:27 AM] Lawd Satin: It's such a slippery slope though, and you opened the floodgates.
[2:28:28 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:27 AM] Lawd Satin:

<<< it's a pretty shitty existence I know
but here's a nugget of truth: there's always some gold on the other side
[2:29:43 AM] Lawd Satin: -makes status into a pun-
[2:29:54 AM] Lawd Satin: deja vu
[2:29:56 AM] Lawd Satin: my life is a pun
[2:30:01 AM] { agent maine.: LMFAO
[2:30:06 AM] { agent maine.: deja poo
[2:30:09 AM] Lawd Satin: LMFAO
[2:30:10 AM] { agent maine.: that was terrible
[2:30:11 AM] Lawd Satin: L M F AO
[2:30:12 AM] { agent maine.: i'll see myself out
[2:30:48 AM] Lawd Satin: this is all going into that document jsyk
[2:31:10 AM] { agent maine.: amazing
[2:32:58 AM] Lawd Satin: we should plot to make relentless bear puns at him
[2:33:27 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:32:09 AM] Josh: i'll see myself out of this life
[2:32:46 AM] Lawd Satin: is this the real life
[2:33:10 AM] Lawd Satin: I know this is unbearable but you really gotta grin and bear it
[2:33:19 AM] Lawd Satin: I know we're being ursanine
Josh
[2:33:37 AM] { agent maine.: [4:32:28 AM] { agent maine.: i hate puns shockingly
[4:32:29 AM] { agent maine.: i think
[4:32:33 AM] { agent maine.: my sanity has slipped at last
[4:32:44 AM] { agent maine.: flushed it away
[4:32:59 AM] { agent maine.: it was hanging on like a dingleberry for a long time
[4:33:03 AM] { agent maine.: but like all dingleberries
[4:33:09 AM] { agent maine.: a time comes where you have it just, flush it away.
[4:33:14 AM] Josh: .................
[2:33:52 AM] Lawd Satin: lmfao

[2:32:09 AM] Josh: i'll see myself out of this life
[2:32:46 AM] Lawd Satin: is this the real life
[2:33:10 AM] Lawd Satin: I know this is unbearable but you really gotta grin and bear it
[2:33:19 AM] Lawd Satin: I know we're being ursanine
[2:33:33 AM] Josh: FUCKING
[2:33:36 AM] Josh: BEAR PUNS
[2:33:38 AM] Josh: FUCK YOU
[2:34:05 AM] Lawd Satin: but they're beary funny

[2:32:58 AM] Lawd Satin: we should plot to make relentless bear puns at him
[2:33:27 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:32:09 AM] Josh: i'll see myself out of this life
[2:32:46 AM] Lawd Satin: is this the real life
[2:33:10 AM] Lawd Satin: I know this is unbearable but you really gotta grin and bear it
[2:33:19 AM] Lawd Satin: I know we're being ursanine
Josh
[2:33:37 AM] { agent maine.: [4:32:28 AM] { agent maine.: i hate puns shockingly
[4:32:29 AM] { agent maine.: i think
[4:32:33 AM] { agent maine.: my sanity has slipped at last
[4:32:44 AM] { agent maine.: flushed it away
[4:32:59 AM] { agent maine.: it was hanging on like a dingleberry for a long time
[4:33:03 AM] { agent maine.: but like all dingleberries
[4:33:09 AM] { agent maine.: a time comes where you have it just, flush it away.
[4:33:14 AM] Josh: .................
[2:33:52 AM] Lawd Satin: lmfao
[2:37:38 AM] Lawd Satin: [2:35:32 AM] Josh: why are you doing this to me
[2:35:48 AM] Lawd Satin: I don't know, just bear with me
[2:35:53 AM] Lawd Satin: I'm actually being beary serious right now.
[2:36:31 AM] Lawd Satin: you and I are polar opposites
[2:36:36 AM] Josh: FUCK THIS
[2:36:38 AM] Josh: IM GOING TO BED
[2:36:46 AM] Lawd Satin: but are you prebeared for that
[2:36:51 AM] Josh: GOODBYE
[2:36:57 AM] Lawd Satin: are you going to strip yourself bear first
[2:37:10 AM] Lawd Satin: or will you go into kodiak arrest
[2:37:15 AM] Lawd Satin: please don't put me into a kuma
[2:37:28 AM] Lawd Satin: I bearly made it last time.
[2:37:58 AM] Lawd Satin: I'm not koalafied for this

[2:39:54 AM] Lawd Satin: did I actually make him go to bed
[2:39:55 AM] Lawd Satin: if so
[2:39:57 AM] Lawd Satin: win
[2:40:30 AM] { agent maine.: you made him go into hibernation

[11:17:08 PM] { agent maine.: "i like to cuddle pretty girls?" ass kissing will get you no where
[11:18:13 PM] Lawd Satin: but what if you're not feeling the girl today
[11:18:15 PM] Lawd Satin: what do you tell him
[11:18:40 PM] { agent maine.: let's be real here i never feel the girl. only like, once a blue moon. lmao.
[11:18:44 PM] Lawd Satin: sorry I'm laughing imagining you telling him you'll do it
[11:18:46 PM] Lawd Satin: but
[11:18:47 PM] Lawd Satin: only if
[11:19:17 PM] Lawd Satin: he lets you stick http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71S-t5Bk7qL._SL1500_.jpg in his ass
[11:19:50 PM] Lawd Satin: he would probably do it which is even more fucking hilarious to me
[11:20:04 PM] { agent maine.: please come here and clean up the milk i just sprayed out of my noise
[11:20:08 PM] { agent maine.: i don't know what i was expecting
[11:20:09 PM] { agent maine.: but that
[11:20:10 PM] { agent maine.: was not it
[11:20:26 PM] Lawd Satin: glad I could be of assistance
[11:20:48 PM] { agent maine.: "cmon just tonight. i'll even put my boxers on."
[11:21:17 PM] Lawd Satin: jess
[11:21:25 PM] Lawd Satin: you know you want to rip a hole through his boxers with that dildo
[11:21:31 PM] { agent maine.: kira pls
[11:21:39 PM] Lawd Satin: you should whinny while you do it

[11:22:18 PM] { agent maine.: /sends him "nah"
"fine i'll free ball it then"
[11:22:32 PM] Lawd Satin: lmfao
[11:22:56 PM] Lawd Satin: ride em cowboy
[11:23:01 PM] { agent maine.: KIRA PLS
[11:23:03 PM] { agent maine.: LOL
[11:23:10 PM] Lawd Satin: I'M SORRY
[11:23:13 PM] Lawd Satin: HI HOOO SILLVERRRRR
[11:23:32 PM] { agent maine.: YOU ARE THE WORST LOL
[11:24:01 PM] Lawd Satin:
[11:24:31 PM] Lawd Satin: that image got way more hilarious with that music
[11:25:33 PM] { agent maine.: "so what are you doing"
"listening to music, working on shit in photoshop, listening to a friend tell me to let you cuddle me but only if i get to destroy your ass with a dildo. the usual."

[11:26:44 PM] { agent maine.: "not sure how i feel about that lol."
[11:26:48 PM] Lawd Satin: tell him
[11:26:54 PM] Lawd Satin: once he goes black beauty he won't go back
[11:26:54 PM] { agent maine.: "yeah well that's the least of her remarks. she's said worst"
[11:27:04 PM] Lawd Satin: your skype pencil just
[11:27:05 PM] Lawd Satin: erasing
[11:27:08 PM] Lawd Satin: and disappearing
[11:27:09 PM] Lawd Satin: is glorious


I am in tears laughing from remembering this.










 

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5,535 Posts
A few years ago:

ISTJ husband was asleep, I was still up reading.

ISTJ: AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UP THERE!
Me: Up where?
ISTJ: Well, at the top of Mount Everest, of course!
Me: I don't know.
ISTJ: Then I'd stand there and look around stupidly!
Me: Sweetie, you're dreaming.
ISTJ: *snore*
 

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5,535 Posts
ISTJs

Me: If we ever move to a flat where pets are allowed, can we have a cat?
ISTJ husband: I don't like pets.
Me: Why?
ISTJ: I don't know. I've just never liked them... They are dirty.
Me: Nonsense, cats are very clean, they wash themselves all the time.
ISTJ: I don't like pets.

At INTJ friend's house: big black witchy cat sits on ISTJs belly.
ISTJ: *cuddle cuddle stroke pet cuddle* :)
cat: *PURR PURR PURR, licks ISTJ's face*
ISTJ: *sneezes*
cat is startled
ISTJ to cat: Oh sorry, my sweetie, I didn't mean to frighten you! Come here! *cuddle cuddle*
Me: Oh, is he your sweetie now? "I don't like cats, I've never liked pets, they are dirty."


---------------
Watching Babylon 5:

Ivanova (ISTJ?): something or other about duty
ISTJ husband: YES: DUTY! ♥♥♥
Me: Hehehe.
ISTJ husband: She's the only one [on B5] who has any kind of character! ♥♥♥

--------------------
ENTP boss: *sitting at a table in the library, waiting for colleagues to arrive for meeting*
ISTJ colleague: *enters* *looks around the room, which has got books, tables, some other colleagues etc. in it, sees a tiny piece of litter under the table near ENTP's foot* *evil eyes*
ENTP and me: :)
ISTJ: *ignores ENTP, invades his personal space and tries to pull the sweet wrapper from under the table with her foot.* grrr grrr grrr
ENTP and me: :)
ISTJ: *crawls under table to get the sweet wrapper*
ENTP and me: :)
ISTJ: *gets up* HA! *bins the wrapper*



 

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Note: I'm currently in a very hot country. It's summer here.

Me: It's too hot in here, let's close the windows.
ENFJ: If it's too hot we should open the windows!
Me: NO, we should close the windows to prevent the hot air from coming into the room. Even the Romans in Ancient Rome used to do that!
ENFJ: What kind of nonsense is that?
Me: Do you want me to show you a scientific paper about it?

*googles some evidence, shows it to ENFJ*

ENFJ: I don't wanna hear it, I'm tired of this crap, and I'm leaving the window open.
 

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10,350 Posts
Mum (on Skype to my niece and nephew) : I've got to say bye now. Oh okay then, you can put one more hex on me. *sound of my niece chanting* If I'm a frog tomorrow, I'll text your mummy. No, I will be able to text. I'll be a smart frog, not a silly frog.
Me: *wondering what on earth just happened*
 
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