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Husband talking in his sleep:

Me: "I can't sleep. I'll get my mp3 player and listen to music."
Husband (awake): "Yes, you'd better do that."
Me: *switching on mp3 player*
Husband (asleep): "STOP THAT!"
Me: "What?"
Husband: "Something is clicking."
Me: "It's my mp3 player, you said I should get it."
Husband: "Uh."
Husband: "Boorroooo."
Me: "What?"
Husband: "Hum?"
Me: "You said boorroooo."
Husband: "I'm just thinking."
Me: "What are you thinking about?"
Husband: "Just work."
Me: "What work stuff are you thinking about?"
Husband: "Just things." zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZ
 

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Had to run to the grocery store earlier, because INTJ dad forgot stuff for dinner and this is the result:

Inner monologue: Okay...there's like six different brands of chicken here...better call dad so I don't have to get sent out AGAIN...

*calls dad*

Me: Okay what brand should I get?

Dad: Not a cheap one but not a $10 one...get a good one.

Me: Well I don't know which ones are the "good ones"...*getting cranky due to being up since 5:45am*

Dad: *makes exasperated dad sound* Just get a the good ones...it's not that hard

Me: *trying to keep my voice low and not trying to draw attention to myself* I don't KNOW which ones are. I don't do the grocery shopping, Dad.

Dad: Just get the good one...

Me: I don't think the grocery store carries "The Good One Farms"...

Dad: :dry:
 

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My international students playing "Who am I?"

Student 1: "Am I from China?"
Students: "No."
Student 1: "Am I from USA?"
Students: "No."
Student 1: "Ooh!"
Students: LOL.
Me: "Those are the only two countries in the world."
Student 1: "Uh. Uh."
Me: "You'll have to go through all the countries in the world now."
..
.. (more questions)
..
Student 1: "I am crazy."
Students: LOL LOL LOL
Student 2: "Am I crazy?!!!"
 

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Helper of my 95+ year old grandfather. Context: we are in America and she is 55+ years old. Reading names of veterans as old or older than him:
"Here's someone named David Rockefeller, over 100, said he was a banker and phil-an-thro-pist. And another guy named Chuck Jaeger, 93, who was some kind of pilot..."
 

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Today
Grandpa, watching CNN: what's a manifesto?
Helper: it's like a plan...or a diary...or an explanation of what someone is going to do.
Me: jesusweptonamotherfuckingchariotdrivenpogostick
 

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(toward the end of a 10 day long family visit/vacation where I am around minimum 7 people 24/7)

Me: I'm just kind of tired of being around people.
Aunt: do you get drained?
Me: yeah.
Aunt: like, do you take on people's emotional energy?
Me: o_O .... No. Definitely not that.
INFP sister: I do. I can feel people. Like I can feel behind me when someone is staring.
Aunt: oh yes!! And... (sis and aunt continue on)
Me: I get drained because I have to spend energy interacting with people and being "on" and engaged.
Aunt: do people use you as a sounding board?
Me: sometimes, sure.
Aunt: and then when you need to sound off they don't like to see their rock have a crack.
Me: oh, yeah, no..if people want to have a lot of emotional support, you don't come to me. I'll help clarify and give perspective, that's about it.
Other aunt: hahaha! Oh my god, she's so cold hearted! "Don't come to me for emotional support!"
Aunt and sister and other aunt: *talk about emotional energy and being emotional*
Me: *wanders off*
ISTJ cousin on periphery that I'm moving toward: Hey, I'm the same way also..I'm not who you call for emotional support. Also, my girlfriend always asks if I get tired of being alone and I'm like "nope, not really". :D
Me: :D *brofist*

yeahhhh I'm ready to go home lol
 

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Infj Vs. Enfj (borderline intuitive) at work.

 
It's about 9:00 pm and an hour till closing, also keep in mind that it was a kinda slow day and my estimated outlook was one group of six people would come in two by two and make it look like a rush after that there would be people coming in but no more than a couple at a time between orders also I'm not the Enfj lol


Enfj: *packing up the fries* I think there'll be another rush at like 9:50

Infj: Do you talk think we should pack up the fries now? I think we might need some more.

Enfj: no I think this'll be enough

Infj: yeah but you said it yourself that there will be another rush and I agree there probably will so let's cut some more fries

Enfj: I understand and respect that, but one day [morning shift leader] had me cut fries and I got bored so I decided to portion out the fries and one bucket of fries can fill 20 orders (inferior ti is really a marvel )

Infj: yeah but there's only three of us so if we get a rush we won't be able to cut fries

Enfj: but Infj I told you one bucket of fries equals twenty baskets and we already have three here so we have 23 baskets of fries that's plenty.

Infj: no I think we should cut more and keep them out better safe than sorry

Enfj: looks at me

Me: *looks at him with a slightly raised eyebrow* (don't include me in your pissing contest lol but I see where you're coming from)

Infj: *looks at me*

Me: *raises hands*
(But I see more of where Enfj is coming from)

*continues arguing*

*enfj gives in*

*our fourth person comes in*

*theres a group of five people 2 couples and 1 person that comes alone*

Me: 4th person, don't ever leave me alone with those two XD they were having an okay day but then as the day went on they started to bicker

4th person: Whaaat?

Me: yeah over some fries

4th person: again?

Me: this happened again XD

4th: yeah

*fixes burgers and sandwiches*
*people come in no more than a couple between the orders*

I'm in the wrong business lol
 

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Xanatos Speed Chess​

An INTJ –me– hasn’t been able to wish an INFP woman a happy b-day. Suddenly, the INFP abruptly enters INTJ’s office unannounced.

INFP: [visibly upset] YOU KNOW? :angry: TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY…
INTJ: Good afternoon to you too mademoiselle. To what do I owe the pleasure? [thinks: this is rapidly escalating :shocked:, some détente needs to be achieved and it’d better be quick]
INFP: AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T EVEN…
INTJ: [smoothly] Calm down. After all, the day isn’t over yet, is it? :wink: TBH, I haven’t forgotten but, as you can see, I’ve been terribly busy and, hence, unable to…
INFP: I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!
INTJ: [cool as a cucumber] Listen, I want to be a peacemaker here so I wonder how I can possibly compensate you for my alleged neglect :cool:
INFP: [gently] Actually, there’s going to be a lovely weekend getaway sometime soon. I’m organizing it and I want you on it :tongue:
INTJ: Really? You’re organizing it? Where to? When?
INFP: Well, IDK because I haven’t figured out the details but, once I do, I’ll let you know :unsure:
INTJ: I’d appreciate it if you could please tell me with at least some anticipation
INFP: Er… I’ll try :unsure:, but you’re not allowed to decline, okay?
INTJ: [playfully] Is that a joke or a threat? :proud:
INFP: [playfully] Neither! It’s a promise, tee-hee
INTJ: Alright then, I’ll see what I can…
INFP: As I’ve said before, you can’t say…
INTJ: BTW, happy b-day! You know I wish you all best and I truly care about you
INFP: [giggling] Thank you so much! :happy:
INTJ: See you around
INFP: Have a nice day [departs peacefully]
INTJ: *smiles* [thinks: Phew! That was really close. I’m glad I skillfully managed to restore stability, bahaha] :kitteh: :kitteh: :kitteh:
 

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*In a group chat with some ENFPs*

ENFP 1: I am a very highly evolved human. I just can't help it that my intelligence is so much higher than almost everyone else, and bla bla bla *goes on an egotistical rant*
ENFP 2: Conceeded. Thats your new name.
ENFP 1: What?
ENFP 2: Your conceded
ENFP 1: What are you talking about?
ENFP 2: Do you even know what conceded means?
Me: Conceited*
ENFP 2: Yeah that word
Me: *Thinking inside my head* "I'm more evolved than both you idiots..."

________

Me: Alright I'm going to bed guys, night!
ENFP 1: Okay cya
ENFP 2: Olivwa
Me: Olivwa? It's a good thing I'm not a full blow grammar nazi or you would give me an aneurysm.
ENFP 1: You mean an anerizm?
Me: Haha, I c wut u did ther.
 

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Continuing adventures of Void, Grandpa, and Helper...

Me: (in reference to a seeming bowel incontinence issue) Do you think he might have picked up c.diff from grandma before she died?
Helper: Nooo....I don't think so. Because he still gets constipated sometimes.
Me: Good point.
Helper: You've got to consider, too, that he might have some trouble wiping properly...because of his balls. Who knows how much they are in the way.
Me: Uh, yeah, also a good point. I've got you. Let's not go too far into imagery on that one.
Helper: You know, because they sag as they get older.
Me: Yep. Got it.
Helper: And he's over 95, so there's no telling how low those things hang!
Me: Yes, OK, PLEASE! I'm extremely visual and this is my GRANDPA. I can't even tell you all the imagery my brain is currently producing and all the inappropriate times it is going to flash that shit to me in the future. ...backing rapidly out of the room...

---------------
Still, thoughts introduced can't be unthunk. So, all of a sudden it's testicular awareness week up in this bitch. Because I have to wonder if he is struggling with a sag problem. Would he really want to talk about it with anyone, even a doctor? So I now have to look into the issue, how much sag there is at which age ranges, to consider if there are some easy fixes we might provide --- like a wider toilet seat, elevated more from the water or something. You know? So he isn't "tea-bagging" the toilet each time.

Which is all preamble to one of the better things I saw this week, a comment on a testicle-related forum (who knew?): "If mine get any longer, I'm going to have to buy them their own shoes."
 

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"If mine get any longer, I'm going to have to buy them their own shoes."
i sprayed popcorn all over the place. fair exchange for the visual, which i now have too.

is your brain on a problem-solve streak at the same time? because mine is, i can't help it. why not just drape them over your lap, if you're hug's grandpa?

also: ball bras. surely these are a thing? you're already on the related forums; please report back.
 

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Be Brad. Have dinner with ESFJ sister.


Sister: So...

Me: So what?

Sister: You should be a gentleman and pay for our dinner.

Me: I thought we were splitting the check.

Sister: Well you got that new internship so I figured you could pay... come on Brad! Can't you treat your big sister?

Me: No. You have your own money. I would have been happy to pay but we didn't agree on that beforehand.

Sister: Ok, fine. I'll have to resort to extreme measures... *pinches my cheeks and uses baby talk* "Come on Bwad... Pwease pay! If you don't, I'll tell Kim what you told me about her in high school :3"

Me: Well then I would need payback. Remember what you said about Daniel? How you said you wo...*sister shoves her hands in my face*

Sister: Waiter! Check please!
 

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An ENFP and an INTJ are sharing an afternoon together, contemplating the sunset.

INTJ: You know what? I truly enjoy your company :happy:
ENFP: Awwww! That's so sweet :tongue: [jokingly] Me too! I enjoy my company as well LOL
INTJ: Mmmm :dry: [jokingly] I think I don't like you anymore
ENFP: LOL :laughing:
INTJ: Besides, I've observed having a conversation with you feels a lot like a roller coaster, i.e. it’s wild, fun, random and it goes in dozens of different directions…
ENFP: [categorically] It’s not as random as you think because [enthusiastically] EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE IS RELATED TO EVERYTHING ELSE! :proud:
INTJ: LOL, you’re anything but dull :kitteh:
ENFP: Tee-hee-hee :wink:
 

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Every time my ENFP sister and I argue:

Me: I'm the smart one

Sister: I get better grades

Me: You can be book smart and make stupid decisions

Sister: like your ex boyfriend who was bat shit crazy?

Me: This coming from someone had to get knee surgery at 15 because they decided to jump a hurdle and fucked up...

Sister: You cracked your head open when you were six!

Me: Yes, I was six! I did something stupid because I was SIX! But I turned out just fine for the most part!

Sister: I'm still smarter than you, You can't pass basic algebra!

Me: Your favorite book is 'CLICK CLACK MOO!'

Sister: It is a literary masterpiece!

Me: It's a picture book for children!

Sister: Well, you read fantasy novels, you nerd!

Me: Well at least I can read!

Sister: *flips me off*

Me: :rolleyes:

An hour and a half later:

Sister: MAAAAARRRRIIIISSSSSAAAAA! *my sister shouting my name across the house like usual*

Me: yes?

Sister: Come with me to get food...pweeese

Me: I thought you didn't like me...Go ask your boyfriend

Sister: I'm hungry and my boyfriend is busy...

Me: Just go by yourself...

Sister: I don't want to go by myself...and you're not doing anythingPLEEEAAASSSEEEE...

Me: Fine...:dry:
 

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(Warning: way too many hugs)

Me and xNTP in class during the lunch break:


*ENTJ and INTJ walk in* *I greet them casually*

*Few minutes later ISFJ walks in*

Me: Heeeeey!!! :smile:*Hugs ISFJ*

ENTJ: Oi!!! *mock offended look* You didn't hug me :triumph: (she likes hugs)

Me: LOL *Hugs ENTJ too*

Me: *Looks at INTJ* You're gonna get a hug too!! :grinning:

INTJ: Nuh uh no way *backs away quick and somehow escapes*

xNTP: Heh I hate hugs too...

ENTJ: *looks at xNTP with a mischevious grin*

xNTP: *realises that she is in a corner with no place to back away* uh oh

ENTJ: C'mere you :smirk: *squishes xNTP*

xNTP: AAARRRGGGHHHH NOOOO

Me: :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes::stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes::stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
 

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Last night:

Me: Go and get her (daughter) to sleep. I'll wash the dishes.
Wife: Ok. (goes to get our daughter to sleep)

After a few minutes:

Wife comes back and starts "helping me", throwing dishes at the sink (mixing everything in the wrong order).
Me: (blows air out of my mouth and starts thinking about a million things)
Wife: It's better if you do it THIS way.
Me: (looks to the other side, blows air out of my mouth and tries to keep thinking about a million things)
Wife: Go and do whatever you want. I'll wash the dishes.
Me: I already told you I'll wash it. I don't mind washing the dishes. Let me finish it.
Wife: I can see your bothered face. You can go, I'll wash the dishes.
Me: I'M JUST TRYING TO THINK!
Wife: (disappears without saying a word)
Me (thinking to myself): Thanks. I love you.
 

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My mom INFP shows up at my house all the time when I'm at work and starts babbling to my INTJ boyfriend. I can literally picture his face when he messages me about it and I laugh hysterically. I know he's confused about what she is even trying to say and desperate for her to shut up and leave.

Mom: My friend (ESFP) hasn't talked to me in weeks since I've been depressed and cry all the time.
Boyfriend: Maybe stop crying?
Mom: But I can't help it.
Boyfriend: Find different friends.
Mom: Maybe they are just busy, but I wish they would call me.
Boyfriend: Says the person who always turns down invites.
Mom: Yeah I haven't been in the mood to do anything lately.
Boyfriend: And you wonder why they don't call.
Mom: You are right, maybe I should call them.
Boyfriend: Yeah. Leave here and give that a try.

My other friend is an ESFP and she calls all the time to complain about something. I usually put her on mute and occasionally unmute to interject a "uh huh". Occasionally I'm listening and responding.

ESFP (hysterically crying): My dad opened my mail and started yelling at me.
Me: Why would he yell at you if it is your mail.
ESFP: Because I haven't paid for my car insurance yet.
Me: Well how is that his problem?
ESFP: It's in his name and I give him money.
Me: Ok so then how is he opening your mail?

Or when she is on mute.
ESFP: Bla Bla Bla
INTJ: What the hell is she babbling about.
Me: I think some guy called her out on her bullshit.
INTJ: He should have, she's ridiculous.
Me: Thank god we are on mute.
INTJ: Wait what did I say?
Me: I hate that you don't know when you think out loud.
 
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