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I'm not sure if this thread is a healthy stress reliever or if it is corrupting me. I have a new co-worker who, on her first day, gave all of us her entire reproductive history, at great length. Unprompted. I instantly started thinking about all the great material she will provide. I have named her Ms. Dramarama.

Today, while we were all trying to get a bunch of work done:

Ms. Dramarama: "I had a terrifying experience yesterday!"

Most staff pretend not to hear. But Naive and Kindly ESFJ fell for the bait: "Really? What?"

Ms. Dramarama: "I got lost! It was terrible!"

Naive and Kindly ESFJ: "That's too bad. Where?"

Ms. D: "Cowles Mountain!! It was terrible!! I've never been so frightened!"

(Background info: Cowles Mountain isn't much of a mountain. More of a hill, in a local park, surrounded by roads on all sides. How you could lose the short half mile path, I can't imagine - it's got a constant stream of walkers, and the path is paved, clearly marked, with steps and handrails wherever it gets steep. If you did somehow lose your way, all you'd have to do is ask one of the crowd of people for directions. Or just walk downhill to the road.)

ESFJ: "Oh. Wow."

Ms. D: "I didn't know what to do! I thought I'd never get down! But then I had faith and prayed and God showed me the way home. I was blessed."

ESFJ: "Oh. Well, that's good, I guess."


I am very proud of myself for keeping my snicker mostly inaudible.
 

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Grandpa is constipated.

This has been the topic of conversation all day. Some of the subjects have included the relative merits of prunes versus stool softeners (“And let’s ease back a little on those prunes, ok, grandpa? You haven’t even given the other ones time to work, the ones you crammed in on top of the stool softeners. You might be feeling a profound sense of regret for this current round sooner than you think. As I know I certainly will.”) and, of course, regular, detailed status updates upon exit from the bathroom.

Our cup runneth over. Well, mine does. Grandpa’s cup is…well…ahem. So I came here to provide the dialogue from some of the better exchanges today.

Then, in an uncharacteristically merciful frame of mind, I decided to refrain.

You’re welcome.
Well, crap. I was looking forward to laughing at your adventures.

(pun intended. of course)
 

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ROFL! That link is the best thing I've read in ages!!! Yes, at heart I'm really just a 12 year old boy.....
You’re welcome.
believe me, i'm almost tearful with gratitude. or maybe it's empathy, idk.

you'll be glad to hear though, tonight was friday-night lifting club. mr t, see . . . he's pretty cerebral for an english-major-turned-personal-trainer-jiu-jitsuist-and-part-time-cop, and i think he's a stay-at-home dad when he's not hanging out at 'work' with people like me.

i like how he ambles through life thinking things up and then trying them out just for the sake of it, so i knew he's he's been on this nose-to-tail eating experiment lately, and naturally that meant i had to report about mr pizzle.

which led to me telling them about mr food blog. eventually. first i had to stop and gauge how the original story had gone over with them.

so not much conversation you haven't already had reported to you this time, i'm afraid. but it's all give and take up in mr t's space, because good ol' squats stepped up and reciprocated by gifting me[/us] with this.
 

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but it's all give and take up in mr t's space, because good ol' squats stepped up and reciprocated by gifting me[/us] with this.
I'm going to look for every possible opportunity to work this into everyday conversation: made by, for, and with assholes.
 

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Our family meeting on Thursday night:

*ESFJ mom is nagging and complaining like usual*

*ENFP sister and ESFJ mom start arguing*

*INTJ dad and I are communicating through eye rolls and facial expressions*

* the tension in the room feels as if a bomb is about to go off*

Mom: Seriously ENFP, who are you going to call! (I wasn't paying attention to the majority of conversation because I zoned out)

*pause*

Mom: Tell me ENFP, who are you going to call! *gives ENFP the Latina mom death glare*

*Long, tension building pause*

Me...Ghostbusters....

*My dad and sister are chortling* (but she basically set me up for that one)

Mom: :dry:

Me: Totally worth it! I regret nothing!
 

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so not much conversation you haven't already had reported to you this time, i'm afraid.
actually, i just remembered. mr trainer's old-school plates that are all the same size regardless of weight drive me NUTS.

me: okay, 85 . . . 50 on the bar, so that's *finger counting*
squats: is that the 35? just trade your fives in for quarters. [edit: actually, this should have been 'fives and chips' since (50-35)/2 is 7.5 pounds per side. but i guess it displays my whole problem nicely. mr squats can distract me even when i just talk about it].
me: ssshush, you. i'm trying to count.
mr t: or two mommies. on the heather system.
michigan: huh?
mr t: oh, you never heard that. well, you know how the plate sizes go 'plate, quarter, dime, nickel, chip'.
michigan: yeah . . .
mr t: well, heather, maybe you haven't met her. she's muttering one day about her plates and i got up close. she's saying 'okay, so now i need big sister, little sister . . . ' turns out her system for ordering them is dad, mother, big sister, little sister, and the chip is baby.'
michigan: hah. that's adorable.
squats: what about the 15s though?
mr t: hmm. yeah, i never asked about that.
michigan: well, pfft, the 15's. nobody ever uses those.
mr t: they are kind of . . .
squats: they're the red-headed stepchild.
everyone :D :D :D
*problem solved. contented silence*
me: but then what about the tiny ones? *he's got this collection of micro weights, which start out at a half pound and max out at 1 1/4, i think*
mr t: oh yeah, the fractionals, hmm. it does kind of stop at baby. we'd have to go into different stages of gestation. oh boy, high school biology. right. zygote, embryo . . . how does it go?
mr michigan: just call 'em all Oops.
 

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Conversation with my ISTJ father. We are both Type 1.
ISTJ dad:Have you heard of Pokemon Go?
Me: What, why are you asking me about some game?
ISTJ dad: It's become very popular. Your sister is playing it.
Me: Sigh yes I've heard of it.
ISTJ dad: It's creating a lot of problems. People are going to parks to catch pokemons and are leaving behind piles of rubbish and are using up local residences parking spaces
Me: Stop watching junk news, as problems go this is pretty minor.
ISTJ dad: Also pedestrians are being killed. They are considering outlawing walking and using a mobile phone.
Me: Good luck with that, it's one of those laws that is going to make everybody a criminal.
ISTJ dad: A hundred pedestrians were killed in the city by traffic accidents. And it will only be enforced for liability in accidents.
Me: They should consider banning cars then, why is it always blame the new thing?


Some time later.
ISTJ dad: Have you seen that construction site?
Me: Why would I notice a construction site?
ISTJ dad: Something is actually going on today, it's been months.
Me: How do you know nothing has been going on inside the structure?
ISTJ dad: I would see clues on the outside. And this is good we can't have unfinished buildings standing around.
Me: Who is going to notice anyway?
ISTJ dad: It ruins the entire neighbourhood. What if everyone starting building a structure and left it incomplete?
Me: In what scenario is everybody suddenly going to build a new house and leave it standing unfinished for months?
ISTJ dad: You never know what might happen in the future.... We need tight regulations and rules to control it.
 

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*context* Me and my ENTP friend are talking. I show him messages from a girl friend. She is telling me about new lingerie she got.

ENTP: I wouldn't mind seeing that (her in lingerie) either

Me: Eyy

Him: She'd look gorgeous too. She has the body to wear that kind of thing. Even the blonde hair. Not that I've noticed

Me: Oh definitely. Not that you've noticed.

Him: Not that I noticed AT ALL

Me: Obviously not. You want to get to know her better (he had said this earlier, they've met maybe two or three times but get along really well), in the biblical sense.

Him: I would have her praying in the "oh my god" kind of way. Ya know. Because I'm religious.

Me: *dies laughing*
 

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Friend: It's not like babies have an off switch.

Me: Well they have that soft spot on their head...
 

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Well, at least they didn’t get grandpa. . .

Jehovah’s Witnesses: Hello! We’re in your neighborhood sharing information today [handing tract] and wondered if you had some time to talk about. . . yada yada yada.
Me: Thank you [taking tract, hoping it is full of fire and brimstone, because we lovesss a good tract, doesn’t we, preciousss?, and trying to close screen door], but I prefer not to discuss my beliefs with strangers.
JW: I appreciate that [grabbing screen door], but have you ever thought about. . . bibbity bobbity boo?
Me: [sighing, resignedly] As I said, I’m really not inclined to have this conversation.
JW: I understand, but we believe. . . yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Do you believe. . . yabba dabba do?
--->>> this goes around 2 or 3 more times on the guitar <<<---

Me: Gentlemen! [smiling brightly, picturing Jaws] I BELIEVE it is intrusive to continue prodding someone for information when they’ve clearly expressed to you that they do not wish to share. I also BELIEVE that it is invasive to foist your beliefs off on to someone when they do not wish to and have not expressed any desire to hear them. Thankyousoverymuchforthetract. [aggressively closing screen door, JW’s fingertips be damned] Have a wonderful day.
 

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Coworker: Hey can you help me out with this?
Me: *helps*
Coworker: Thanks, you're the bomb.com!
Me: I am also the bomb.net and the bomb.edu.
Coworker: Hey now, let's not get too full of ourselves now.
Me: ... ... and the bomb.gov!
Coworker: -_-
 

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Husband snoring and talking in his sleep again:


Husband: "CHHROOOOOOOO CHROOOOOOOO CHROOOOOOOOOOO CHROOOOOOOOO."
Me: "Teddy, you are snoring terribly."
Husband: "CHROOOO CHROOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
Me: "Teddy, you are snoring."
Husband: "Ooooh, ooooh, snoring!"
Me: "What did you say?"
Husband: "I said 'snoring'."
Me: *kissy kissy"
Husband (still asleep): "Let's sleep now. Good night."
 

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Husband snoring and talking in his sleep again:


Husband: "CHHROOOOOOOO CHROOOOOOOO CHROOOOOOOOOOO CHROOOOOOOOO."
Me: "Teddy, you are snoring terribly."
Husband: "CHROOOO CHROOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
Me: "Teddy, you are snoring."
Husband: "Ooooh, ooooh, snoring!"
Me: "What did you say?"
Husband: "I said 'snoring'."
Me: *kissy kissy"
Husband (still asleep): "Let's sleep now. Good night."

 

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Me using the force at work lol

Me: *throws away my gloves and barely misses the trash can*
Me: *trying to use the force because I'm too lazy to walk half a step to throw it in the trash*

Infj: *watching the whole thing*

Me: yes! *fist pump*

Infj: I see you're getting better with the force

Me: yeah I've been practicing with the sith ^_^

Infj: uh-oh *looks at me slightly as if trying to figure out what's going through my head*

Me: (I'm just joking)
 

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nooooooo . . . i was delegated this week to 'liase' with someone about something. so i did, using this nifty technology called skype which allows you to 'work with' people while never actually having to encounter them.

how i wish that could be the permanent case.

intruder: hellooooooo? anyone hoooooome?
test lab: yeah, there's a couple of anyones in here. which one of us do you want?
intruder: i'm looking for [random name]
test lab: uh. noooo
intruder: i mean lily. is there a lily in here?
me: that's me.
intruder: ohhhh, you're lily. i always think of you as [random name]
me: you must be mary. hello.
intruder: i AM. and you're lily. not [random name]
me: nope, i'm not [random name]. so. thanks for hand-holding me through all of that. is there something else that you need?
intruder: nope, we're all great. *strange pause* LILY.
me: right.
intruder: *stranger pause* funny, i think of you as [random name]
me: .
intruder: i think i knew you in a previous life.
me: *nooooooo*
intruder: in fact, i'm quite sure of it. and your name was [random]
me *nooooooo*
intruder: *stranger pause* i'm a believer in past lives, you see.
me: well, can't say i am. and in this life my name is lily.
intruder: yes. oh yes, of course . . . naturally. *extra, special, super-strange pause* LILY. well, it's nice to meet you.
me: :dry: you too.
intruder: again.


good fuck. is it fair to say i've never yet met a hungarian who seemed sane? it's true, but it might not be entirely fair since i've only met two. both of them seemed to me like they were mad as pants.
 

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nooooooo . . . I was delegated this week to 'liase' with someone about something. So i did, using this nifty technology called skype which allows you to 'work with' people while never actually having to encounter them.

How i wish that could be the permanent case.

Intruder: Hellooooooo? Anyone hoooooome?
Test lab: Yeah, there's a couple of anyones in here. Which one of us do you want?
Intruder: I'm looking for [random name]
test lab: Uh. Noooo
intruder: I mean lily. Is there a lily in here?
Me: That's me.
Intruder: Ohhhh, you're lily. I always think of you as [random name]
me: You must be mary. Hello.
Intruder: I am. And you're lily. Not [random name]
me: Nope, i'm not [random name]. So. Thanks for hand-holding me through all of that. Is there something else that you need?
Intruder: Nope, we're all great. *strange pause* lily.
Me: Right.
Intruder: *stranger pause* funny, i think of you as [random name]
me: .
Intruder: I think i knew you in a previous life.
Me: *nooooooo*
intruder: In fact, i'm quite sure of it. And your name was [random]
me *nooooooo*
intruder: *stranger pause* i'm a believer in past lives, you see.
Me: Well, can't say i am. And in this life my name is lily.
Intruder: Yes. Oh yes, of course . . . Naturally. *extra, special, super-strange pause* lily. Well, it's nice to meet you.
Me: :dry: You too.
Intruder: again.


Good fuck. Is it fair to say i've never yet met a hungarian who seemed sane? It's true, but it might not be entirely fair since i've only met two. Both of them seemed to me like they were mad as pants.
lol lol lol
 

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Male INTJ named "John": *Rocky impression* Yo Adrian!
Me: Yo "John"!
"John": *louder* Yo Adrian!
Me: *even louder* YO "JOHN"!
"John": Haven't you seen Rocky?
Me: Yes I know that's from Rocky, I'm not sure how you expect me to respond.
"John": I dunno, you say "Yo Rocky" and then come give me a hug or something.
Me: Oh you want a hug?
"John": No no no
Me: I will come over there right now and give you a BIG hug!
"John": Noooo I was joking!
Me: Alright then. Watch it, I will totally call your bluff next time. I know how much you INTJs hate hugs.
"John": Yeah I'm getting angry just thinking about it. You can give me a kiss though!
Me: *raises eyebrow*
"John": No no no just kidding! Don't get any ideas!
Me: Haha don't worry, that is a bluff that I wouldn't call.
 

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ENFP: [completely out of the blue] I’ll share my musical taste with you
INTJ: Sure… Why not… Go ahead
ENFP: I know this isn’t exactly fancy [starts playing something rather trashy]
INTJ: That was unexpected… LOL
ENFP: See? My musical taste is VERY diverse
INTJ: [categorically] In fact, I’ve been paying attention to your musical tastes for a while now, in order to discern a pattern and… guess what? I’ve concluded there’s no pattern at all
ENFP: *ROTFL* Yes! That’s me!
INTJ: :happy:
ENFP: BTW, this genre is so upbeat it makes me want to jump and dance because, as you know, [enthusiastically] I LOVE DANCING
INTJ: [categorically] Yes, I’m aware but you don’t need to worry about it. After all, no one is perfect, but, believe me, I wholeheartedly embrace you the way you are and…
ENFP: [categorically] Yes. Unfortunately no one is perfect, but you can learn how to dance. Come on, I’ll teach you :laughing: :happy:
INTJ: [drops jaw] :shocked:
ENFP: *giggles*
INTJ: That was impressively agile! All I can say is… I concede you left me speechless
 

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Well, yes, but sometimes he snores rather sweetly and it's quite cozy to listen to :) So i wouldn't want to miss that :)
Plus, that way I couldn't get amusing conversations out of him.
Fair enough. My husband's snoring is neither sweet nor cozy so that's why I suggested the earplugs. :p
 
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