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The continuing struggles of being the resident “Mom/therapist friend”

ISFP friend with guy trouble: you know what, I’m not going to just let him have me back so easily. He’ll have to earn me back!

Me: just be the bigger person and learn to love yourself

ISFP friend literally 2 weeks later: I made a booty call because I got drunk!


And now I have:

INFP best friend: I’m torn between a guy who treats me well and encourages me and my dumb ass boyfriend who basically abandoned me for the military and doesn’t give a crap about my emotional well-being

Me:


But they’re my idiots...


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ESFJ: My family has lived here for six generations. There are so many of us around here, I was related to most of the people in my high school. We were homesteaders. We were farmers. My cousin is still a farmer.
Me: What does he grow?
ESFJ: Corn and barley.
Me: What is the barley used for, beer?
ESFJ: I don't know. I don't farm.
 

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Granny: Uh huh. How you doing?
Me: I'm fine.
Granny: How's the kitty?
Me: He's good~ his booty's better too
Granny: Well that's good cuz constipation ain't nothing to play with I know how that poor cat feels
Me: (lol) yeah
Granny: So are you bored?
Me: Nope. I'm reading and relaxing.
Granny: You don't wanna go outside or nothing?
Me: Nah, it's not a big deal for now.
Granny: Oh, well. I know you can't wait to go back to work now, inna??
Me: Nope.
Granny: No, really? Not even a lil bit?
Me: Nah, I'm good.
Granny: You don't want to see your coworkers?
Me: :dry:
Granny: laughs

She then went on to tell me how she trolled gentrifiers trying to buy her house. Good to see she still has her spirits about her.
 

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spell check. it's like it's got an auto-immune disorder or something. this morning just fine, then by bedtime:

programmer friend[miles and miles away]: so, have you decided who you're going to double-bubble with?
me: what? nobody, silly. why would i want to do that?
her: i abuse myself
me: [so. many. thoughts.]
her: aMMMMMMMMMuse myself. i aMMMMMMMMMuse myself
me: ahhh.
her: fucking spellcheck.
me: seaweed.
her: huh?
me: watusi.
her: yours is out of bed again too, huh.
me: AWWWWWWWWWW. i meant AWWWWWWW.
[unison crosspost]: fucking spellcheck.
 

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Working behind bullet-proof glass...

Me: It is hard to hear behind the glass.
Guy: Oh, but it is really bullet proof!
Me: Yes.
Guy: -continues- I know because once I got a sheet of it that was being thrown out, took it home and fired at it. It didn't penetrate at all!
Me: …
Guy: So you're definitely protected from bullets!
Me: … But not from charm.
Guy: …
Me: … -wry smile hidden under mask-
Guy: -walks off awkwardly-
Me: Thank you! Have a nice day!

Being a shit is too much fun sometimes.
 

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ESFP friend: there’s no way I’m an extrovert, I hate people...

Me: (me being the sarcastic smart ass that I am) But, I’m people

ESFP: but you don’t make dumb small talk and actually have intelligent things to say

Me: awww...

ESFP: Also, go to Target with me because I’m lonely

Me: you’re such an extrovert

ESFP: stop making it sound like an insult!

Me: I’m not! I’ll go to Target with you!

ESFP: and don’t try finding a way to get out of it because you’re a reclusive hermit

Me: I would never!

ESFP: *skeptical eyebrow raise*

Me: fine...extrovert

ESFP:


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me to self: you don't have lurgy
self to me: no objective reason why i would be different from people who do.
me to self: nevertheless you do not have lurgy.
squishy programmer friend: i d say it's unlikely you do.
me to friend: true. you're refusing to go to vegas with family though.
sp friend: true. okay, you're right. obviously this shows that you do have lurgy.
me: :laughing::laughing:

me: the question is, how would it even work if i do? *dials health line*
government health line: we don't think you have lurgy.
me: okay.
11 weeks later...

The government : want to hand over some of your blood? We're curious now to find out if you did have lurgy.

I don't begrudge it to them. Spending t&e tests that they had on the people they did at the time has clearly worked out quite well. I'm curious about it myself, too.
 
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