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(Mom and me talking about patio, parents want to buy one)
Me: Glass patio is more expensive than wooden patio. Plus it's easier to clean the windows upstairs if you pick the wooden one.
Mom: *nods*
Me: Maintenance of wooden patio is also easier, takes less time to clean it.
Mom: Aha..
Me: And glass patio can heat up the house a lot, also a disadvantage
Mom: I know dear, but I still think the glass patio 'feels' nicer..
Me: *facepalm* I give up.
 

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My ISTJ mother and I were swimming in the pool the other day. We knocked the beach ball out and I started to retrieve it with a noodle:
Mom (laughing): "Kim, this is so lazy. Just get out of the pool and get it!"
Me: "Mom, what you call laziness, I call efficiency and resourcefulness."
 

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ESTJ Drill Sergeant: *suddenly smiling at me and making a cheesy joke* (Let's see if you are seriously serious.)
Me: Funny sir! *straight face* (Nice try.)
ESTJ Drill Sergeant: *straight face* (Interesting.)

INTP Kid: Hey there grandpa!
Me: Hi.
INTP Kid: Are you polishing your boots... Again? Seriously? You already did that yesterday.
Me: Yes, yes and yes... You know what? You better start to do that on a daily basis just like me.
INTP Kid: Why? Dude! It's nothing but a scare tactic. He can't punish us for not polishing our boots everyday.
Me: Us?

*the next day*

INTP Kid: I just don't get it... What the fuck! I mean...
Me: How interesting... He gave you a simple order, you didn't give a flying fuck about it... And... Now? A consequence? What kind of sorcery is this?
INTP Kid: Can I use your...
Me: No, you can't use my shoe polish... I can't trust you.
INTP Kid: Why?
Me: Because you lost your own rifle last week while playing with mine.
INTP Kid: But... I found it, right?
Me: I think you found another lost one.
INTP Kid: Oh come on! Every single one of them is identical.
Me: Indeed, besides the genuine serial numbers.
INTP Kid: Do you mean the shit written on them? Whoa!

INFP Kid: Did you start smoking in here?
Me: Yep!
INFP Kid: Why?
Me: It's my one and only hobby in here... Do you have any?
INFP Kid: Not really... You know, the whole thing is a never ending drudgery and...
Me: I mean do you have any cigarettes with you right now?

ISTJ Drill Sergeant: So... How are you doing today? (Come on, just give me something!)
Me: Perfect sir! (Nice try.)
ISTJ Drill Sergeant: Well... (Damn you!)
Me: Sir, yes sir. (Whatever that means, enjoy.)
ISTJ Drill Sergeant: Hmm... (Maybe I better promote him... I'm sick and tired of those papers and I need another lance corporal to use as a red tape slave.)
Me: *straight face* (Please don't.)
 

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ENFP: How did you adapt to the lack of logic in military?
Me: Actually it was quite consistent.
ENFP: What do you mean?
Me: Everything was illogical and there was no logical explanation about anything.
ENFP: And?
Me: As the result, it was nonsense as what it is and made sense.
ENFP:


INTP: I know it's a personal question... But... Did you take any lives?
Me: It was a boot camp and I cleaned some toilets if that's what you mean.
INTP:


ISTP: Oh! So, it's the same rifle that we used back in those days.
Me: Yep! I would like to know how did you learn to control that kind of engineering failure.
ISTP: What do you mean?
Me: The recoil for sure.
ISTP: Well... I never noticed that when I was serving.
Me:

ISTP:
 

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So I was speaking to my dad about the news and how it's usually people who have no knowledge of the situation in interviews. My sister was just interjecting to say some things.

Me: why do you think that is? It's not like all the people there are dumb but they take those and use their story. Is it for story effect or did they not get the intellectual people yet?

Sister: because they are boring.

Dad: maybe it's because the first time the news van shows up, it isn't the intellects that run to get there first and spout nonsense. It's the idiots who think it's worth it to speak on tv regardless of the situation.

Sister: yeah well they could have went through it and they know how it feels like.

Me: you don't think they are going for emotional manipulation when they pick ones who have emotion enduring stories then?

Dad: hmm could be. But then how do we know they even bothered to put in everything the person said and tampered with the story to get specific effects.

Me: we don't but how do we know they didn't flat out reject another person's story even though it could have had more information and went for the emotional one instead.

Sister: *takes out phone*

Dad: we don't. News is made to appear as if the world is horrible. They paint some in saint colors and paint others in devils colors. It depends on if you can question them and not be made a fool by sympathizing with a half told story. Know things before deciding it whether it's important or not. Don't take half-assed attempts at news.

Me: *smirk* was that for me or for her *points to my sister*?

Sister: hey I don't do that.

Me: really? What is your favorite phrase? "I heard this girl/guy say that[insert things] is good for you"

Sister: what? It is.

Me and dad: how do you know?

Sister: because....they said it is.

Me: *facepalm*
 

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squishy extravert: so new guy being oriented today: "____ is brilliant! he just explained something to me and i didn't understand the first word. he's a genius! it was like he was telling me in japanese."
me: gmph. "i don't get it" = "he's brilliant"? like that?
extravert: pretty much.
me: weird. never helped me out much when dealing with knucklehead men who thought they were smart in my long-ago youth.
extravert: no shit. i'm more "i don't get it" = "you're a knucklehead, buddy". works much better.
me: well, at least your new guy has a nicely submissive attitude. maybe he'd go down pretty well in japan.
extravert: best place for him.
 

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Me and ISTJ co-worker girl. Having a coffee. Discussing work stuff > the people that are on the programs her and I manage. She used to manage the programs I now manage. Discussing new manager as well.

Me: I can't believe how entitled these people feel. It's ridiculous
ISTJ: Oh get used to it, you haven't seen the best of it yet.
Me: In my first week in this job, I've managed to piss off [Key stakeholder 1], [key stakeholder 2, and best friend of our CEO] as well as a couple of [intended participants on this program]. JUST by doing my job and by listing the facts of their situation and telling them what they need to do.
ISTJ: <laughs> Yeah. Get used to it.

<both sipping on coffee for a bit, pensively staring ahead>
Me: It's like they think they are purple unicorns with the sun shining out of their asses.
ISTJ: Hmm. yep. They're special <sarcastic tone>. [New Manager] Has just told me I need to be more fluffy.
Me: [LOL] How do you even do fluffy?! I mean.. I don't really see you as the fluffy type. What did you say to her?
ISTJ: I just stared at her for a good full 20 seconds and then smiled without responding.

<back at desk: Open up a new email and copy and paste a standard letter. Change font to something fluffy. Change colour of text to bright pink. Add smiley face to ever sentence. Send to co-worker.>
Me: This could help?
 

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squishy extravert, away most of last week on a genius-people retreat: oh, btw . . . i got typed.
me: ?? you did? after all this time? well?? what? what?

*nothing happens*.

squishy extravert, back from retreat: yabber chatter talk talk.
me: yeahyeah never mind all of that . . . you told me you got typed.
extravert: oh yeah. i forgot.
me: ???? well?? do i want to know?
extravert: in?p.
me: O_O
extravert: i forgot the middle one.
me: O_O
extravert: sowwy. trying to remember.
me: but-but . . .
extravert: what?
me: that means you're either a [kid], or you're the same type as artsie and the legendary lesbian friend.
extravert: i'm pretty sure about the other ones. just that middle one.
me: well, you can't be an infp.
extravert: really?
me: yeah. you've never dumped me. so you must be the same type as my kid.
 

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At Starbucks:
Me: oh this is SOO good (blackberry mojito shaken iced tea lemonade)
ISTP sis: *sips* Yeah it is! But she asked if you've had it before. She knew it was the first time you're trying it. Maybe she just made it extra good. She wanted your first time to be special. :wink:
Me: *gigglesnort*
~a few days later at another Starbucks~
Me: Nope, still delicious! *swoon voice* It's like the first time every time.
ISTP sis:*gigglesnort*
--
~Road tripping~
Me: *shaking a cup full of ice to the tune of music* Hear my cool instrument?
ISTP sis: *stinkeye* I can't wait for your "instrument" to melt. (/grumpycat)
Me: :shocked: :crying: :laughing:
--
INTJ Dad: *describing in excruciating detail some things he finds very interesting/fascinating about some online game he's addicted to, perhaps trying to get me interested enough to play* *goes on for forever and a half*
Me: *straight face, nodding at times* *groan of pain under my breath* (dad is deaf)
ISTP sis: (sitting at side of room) This is how you sound to me. A lot. Now you know.
Me: :dry:
--
INFP sis' 21st birthday
Me: Ok...so...just so you know...I really am excited to take you and your friends out for your birthday..but...I'm almost 30 so..I'm not sure how late I can stay up (half joking, half serious)
INFP sis: oh ok, that's fine. So...like 10? (bless her heart)
Me: :shocked: I was thinking midnight...I'm not *THAT* old!
INFP sis: Well I don't know about that..:unsure:
Me: :laughing: FU little one!
 

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I opened a bank account today and the lady working at the bank gave me 6 pens for signing me up. When she returned with my contract to sign, I said in a deadpan voice, "Do you have a pen?" as a joke. She laughed uncontrollably afterwards.
Me too just reading it! :laughing:
 
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*After a long break... Once again, I started to consume the regular amount of nicotine lozenges when I'm visiting home after the boot camp and overdosed myself at the end of the day because I forgot that I lost 40lb in two months*

ISTP: Hi.
Me: Argh!
ISTP: What's wrong?
Me: Eugh!
ISTP: Are you dizzy or something? Hmm... It must be the leftover pizza.
Me: I have to check the median lethal dose... Immediately.
ISTP: What?
Me: I'm weak... Leave me alone... Don't touch me! There's a high risk of dermal absorption... Run! Just run and save yourself.
ISTP: Well... Would you like to drink some water?
Me: Fascinating! That's a ridiculously good advice even if you failed to understand my situation. By the way, do we have any atropine?
ISTP: I don't know... Instead, do you want some paracetamol.
Me: Stop ruining my drama! I don't need your layman antics anymore... These are probably my last moments alive.
ISTP: I just ate another slice to see if there's something wrong with it... And... You know what, it taste perfectly normal to me... Weird!
ESFJ: What's wrong with him?
ISTP: It's not pizza... I guess... I mean... Come on, just take a bite and tell me.
ESFJ: Is it cold?
 

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Gosh we're on a roll.

At work. Email from manager about upcoming workshops with some vague HR consultant to promote team building in our new organisational structure.

ISTJ co-worker sitting behind me: [Audible sigh]
Me: [Audible sigh]
Email reads: [blablabla directions to venue] "bring something that is close to your heart, which you can't live without and expect that you will have to share the significance of it" [big YAY expressions AWESOME WORKSHOPPP]

ISTJ: [bigger audible sigh]
Me: [equally bigger audible sigh]

[without turning around to eachother]
Me: You reckon I can bring my phone?
ISTJ: I do really appreciate my new blender..
Me: Pillow... my pillow is pretty essential and dear to my heart
ISTJ: Can hardly bring my cat along
Me: Do you have a spare? I wouldn't mind having a cat for a day.
ISTJ: Yeah sure I have 5 anyway.
Me: ooh. jealous. I want a cat
[conversation on cats ensues. some minutes later, click back to email]
Me: Seriously though.. I cannot think of anything besides my phone. It calls those I want to speak to, I can skype with my relatives on here plus it has an off button. ...
ISTJ: yeah. The blender is still on my mind too.

ow gawd this is going to be torture.
 

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INTJ best friend:

Me: What's the problem?
INTJ: Love.
Me:

INTJ: What's the problem?
Me: Love.
INTJ: Love is shit.
Me: Love is good.
INTJ:

Me: Maybe I will just hugg you, so we can cry together.
...Don't you love how it hurts?
INTJ: Always.
 

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Email reads: [blablabla directions to venue] "bring something that is close to your heart, which you can't live without and expect that you will have to share the significance of it" [big YAY expressions AWESOME WORKSHOPPP]
*gag* gross.
How wonderful for you... Lol
I honestly don't know what I'd bring either.

I will say, I'd not mind seeing/hearing what others bring, it's kind of fascinating. And then also you find out who the other non-sentimental people are haha
 
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