Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is a vulnerable issue for me, but I wanted to bring it up. And if anyone has any experiences or relate to this, please feel free to post them here. Growing up as a child, I wasn't bullied too severely. There were some vague attempts to be mean to me, but because I was always in my own little world, people stopped before it got worse. And I withdrew further into my world.

However, when I was in college, I encountered social bullying. (This link describes this: Social Bullying | Dakota Valley Middle School). I was bullied by a sorority girl who had a lot of "know-how." She started becoming close to my friends in college... and I've been told by relatives and friends that this person was jealous of me. I think she had some kind of inferiority complex. Anyway, because of her insecurity, she gradually cut me off of my entire social network, and ... it was an emotionally and psychologically difficult time for me. A period of backstabbing and feelings of immense betrayal from people who I thought were friends.

There is a book: http://www.amazon.com/Mean-Girls-Grown-Afraid-Bees/dp/0471655171that discusses how mean girls become adults and enact the same thing over and over. I know most people think of bullying as a childhood thing or even a guy thing, but it's not. Childhood bullies often grow up to be covert bullies, and covert bullies are just as bad, maybe even worse.

Anyway, I just wanted to end this post with this: when people bully you, it's not because there is something wrong with you or because you are inadequate in some way. It's because you are well-grounded and content with yourself as you are, and it's this that the other person feels threatened by. Bullies work by sniffing out weaknesses in people (everyone has weaknesses), and then they exploit that weakness. In a sick way, it makes them feel better, when they feel like they have the power to bring you down with that weakness. And in an even sicker way, they try to make you think that something is wrong with you, by playing on that weakness. So, if anyone has encountered bullying or is going through it right now, keep your head up and finish strong. By doing so, you are letting this person know that they weren't able to get to you, despite all their efforts. And really, the pathetic person is the bully. Why? They feel they need to have control over you and your situation to feel better about themselves. At least for us, now that the bully has identified our weakness to us, we can work on strengthening that. But the bully? Still stuck with the same miserable self.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
181 Posts
Wow. Thanks for posting this!

My bullying days occurred when I was in grade 8-11? It was completely terrible! There was this one girl...well a couple now that I think of it more. Who would say nasty things to me. I don't think there was much of a sabotage of my social network.. but I would get very depressed. (I got into a very nasty case of depression and suicidal thoughts to escape the pain I experienced.) Guys also picked on me...and I experienced some episodes of inappropriate touching. (This may have contributed to my inability to trust guys and allow myself to get physically close.)

As time went on, one of the girls in our "group" who picked on me admitted that she would tease me because she "didn't understand me."

Thank-goodness I didn't experience bullying as I continued on in my Education at University, but I do see it at work. (Oddly enough I think there is a guy there who is trying to bully me...but I know he's got way too much growing up to do and it's just water off my back now.)

I really feel sorry for people who are still experiencing bullying. If I could go back into the past and talk to my younger and hurting self, I'd tell her not to worry about what others may think of her. That she can confide in the school counselor. Better yet I'd go up to those dumb kids (or their parents, as I'm sure they have a large role in this play) and give them a piece of my mind...and then some. :angry: The fear they placed in my heart was unbelievable and there are ways for such things to be dealt with.

Covert bullies...Never heard of that terminology. Hope things are getting better and that you're healing:unsure:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
I began to despise bullies. I first understood the concept when this one bully used to make fun of me and tell me to "Wash my face" because I had acne as a kid.

I realized that bullies are flawed people. Pointing out their flaws as "justice" or to stop them from bullying became a bit of a hobby of mine.

I got great at screwing with bullies in middle school and early highschool. And I stopped a lot of bullying cold.

Now that I'm in college, I disarm the situations by standing up for the person who's being bullied in a gentle way, easing the situation. Although part of me still wants justice... generally I go the more peaceful route.

When it comes to the subtle bullying mentioned above... I see that less as bullying, and more as a full-on conflict. When a person tries to tarnish my name, or turn my friends against me... I see that person as an aggressor and an enemy. I'll be sure to warn my enemy clearly and give them a chance for reconciliation. Once my enemy turns down my offer for a peaceful resolution, I see it as a green light for total war. I'm very good at fighting this kind of battle... so if anyone wants any advice dealing with a bully like this, just let me know... I'd be more than glad to help you destroy them. :angry:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
181 Posts
I came to the realization that bullies were flawed individuals, and pointing out their flaws to others was not only a way to get them to stop bullying me, but also filled me with a deep sense of poetic justice. So... I got very good at pointing out the flaws of bullies.
(I still have acne)...ANYWAYS...I think when I spoke my mouth got me into a lot of trouble. I'd get steamed and I think it just added fuel to the fire. I'm an easy person to tease however, I don't put up with people and their junk. I'm sure there were times when I exploded. But I know what you mean about pointing out their flaws...wouldn't make things better of course. (I'm pretty sure lots of people thought I was a *coughs*.. bitch. But I wasn't going to be stepped on and I would retaliate.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
(I still have acne)...ANYWAYS...I think when I spoke my mouth got me into a lot of trouble. I'd get steamed and I think it just added fuel to the fire. I'm an easy person to tease however, I don't put up with people and their junk. I'm sure there were times when I exploded. But I know what you mean about pointing out their flaws...wouldn't make things better of course. (I'm pretty sure lots of people thought I was a *coughs*.. bitch. But I wasn't going to be stepped on and I would retaliate.)
I'm sorry! :sad: I still have acne too... although it's calmed down since middle school, it's still a pain.

I know what you mean with the bitch thing... if you really want to destroy a bully though... you can't come off as being a jerk...

The bully's kryptonite is pity. When I believed in harsher "Bully Justice" I used to use pity as a weapon to undermine bullies. If you get angry at them, it empowers them. If you have a mix of pity and indifference and start listing off their flaws (in a calm, composed manner) with a psuedo-empathetic act, it tears bullies to pieces. (I was evil then... but in my mind, the bullies deserved every ounce of it)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
181 Posts
I'm sorry! :sad: I still have acne too... although it's calmed down since middle school, it's still a pain.

I know what you mean with the bitch thing... if you really want to destroy a bully though... you can't come off as being a jerk...

The bully's kryptonite is pity. When I believed in harsher "Bully Justice" I used to use pity as a weapon to undermine bullies. If you get angry at them, it empowers them. If you have a mix of pity and indifference and start listing off their flaws (in a calm, composed manner) with a psuedo-empathetic act, it tears bullies to pieces. (I was evil then... but in my mind, the bullies deserved every ounce of it)
I think I would let my anger build to a certain point...then I was out of control. But I did do the analysis of, "I'm sorry that you have to pick on me to build up your self-esteem. How do your parents treat you at home? Must not get that much attention?"

But I mean, this happened almost 10 years ago, so my maturity level wasn't there, or a certain constraint. ha ha. Although if something like that were to happen to me today, I'm not too sure how much has changed. At work today a woman was yelling at a co-worker of mine. She was completely out of line and I turned to her as my face turned red, but in a controlled voice I said, "You don't have to be so rude."

Kudos to you though for being so calm! Most of the time I think I have my emotions under a tight wrap. :wink: (However, I think that would be getting off topic.)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,794 Posts
I was bullied when I was in junior school. I must have been between the age of 8-10. They bullied me for having red hair and I was also called ‘fat’. And I believed them! Even though when I look back at photos of me that age I certainly was NOT fat.

I was bullied in secondary school again for my red hair by a group of 2 girls and a boy. They thought it was funny to put chewing gum in my hair...*sigh*

After finishing school I started my first job with a private company and was bullied by the Director. However this time it wasn't because of my appearance but because of my quiet personality. She saw me as the weak one so took out her frustrations on me. I got out of that place straight away.

Most of the bullying I received only lasted a short while. They basically gave up when they saw that they weren’t going to get a reaction from me.

All of the bullying I have received has had a definite impact on my psychologically and I believe that this is what caused me to become shy and self-conscious. I made every effort to not draw attention to myself.

I'm a different person now. The last two years I have worked with a team of people who have been incredibly support and encouraging. I have never been surrounded with such wonderful people. For once I felt accepted and cherished. I'm going to make sure that I hold on to that.
 

·
Registered
🌈🎹☮ INFJ 666 sx/sp 🇺🇸💃🏻💋
Joined
·
3,227 Posts
Thanks for this post. I've recently been dealing with this with my oldest son. There is a boy in his class at school that keeps making fun of him for every little thing, and trying to get the other kids to do it too. But, my son keeps turning everything back around on the boy and the class ends up laughing at the bully. I was talking with him about it the other day and he told me that the only reason that boy is doing that is because he's jealous that my son is so good at math and reading (several grade levels above where he should be) and the other boy is terrible at it (he has to have extra help). He told me that it was that boys problem not his.

I remember there were several girls in middle school who use to pick on everyone. They tried to do it to me, but I just ignored it and it stopped and they moved on to someone else. Then, in high school they stuck me in a class full of seniors when I was a freshman and some of the girls use to try to say things to get a reaction from me, but I just ignored it again and it stopped.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
229 Posts
I was bullied pretty badly in my younger years. Not so much now. I had a lot of issues with handling my situation because the way girls bully is far different than the way guys bully. I was bullied behind the scenes, behind the backs of others... but to my face. I couldn't prove they were harassing me because they made up stories to justify why they called me those names or said those things. They even tried to call me a friend in the principals office and i immediately stood up and shouted "no i am not, and i never will be if you're this way to me!" and yeah, nothing helped and nothing worked. I went so far as to let my parents take it to the next level of calling up the school to report harassment and that they'd sue if nothing would get done about the behavior. I had proof, and no one else did and it was making me mentally ill, driving me to fits and breakdowns.

I was picked on when no one else was around to be my witness, and it was the most difficult experience. My parents sat me down to have a talk with me; explaining to me that i should ignore them when they walk by with those snide remarks. I'm sub-conscious of myself as a whole ~ at that is my weakness... they preyed on my looks, my abilities, my flaws.... it was a terrible experience and even when i ignored them, for months they continued. They finally stopped when they failed school and dropped a grade below me. It wasn't my doing for stopping them, it was their stupidity. I got another talk from my parents saying that they'd be the ones homeless, begging for a job in the future when i run a successful company with my mansion on a 100 acre lot. I immediately connected the dots and realized that my parents were telling me they won't be successful because they'll still be the same, they'd try to earn a place but won't get it because they are socially inept and unable to get along with people who are different than them.

Now; i don't know. I find that i'm not being picked on, more than the fact i'm being paranoid because i was picked on by the girls for 5 years (5th grade through 10th grade), and i'm in a new environment - really vulnerable to attacks due to the workload and stress-load i carry around now-a-days. But no one yet has really pushed me around or to the limit of harassment. I'm happy about that. Really happy about that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,675 Posts
I think I would let my anger build to a certain point...then I was out of control. But I did do the analysis of, "I'm sorry that you have to pick on me to build up your self-esteem. How do your parents treat you at home? Must not get that much attention?"
Deadly. INFJs know their emotional warfare.

But I mean, this happened almost 10 years ago, so my maturity level wasn't there, or a certain constraint. ha ha. Although if something like that were to happen to me today, I'm not too sure how much has changed.
Well when our ethics and self-control begins to get stronger... we realize that hurting people isn't "Justice"...
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,849 Posts
In grades that correspond to american elementary school, I can't recollect any instances of bullying at all. I mean some kids didn't quite play by the rules, toys got stolen, etc. but there was nothing very malicious going on. Most of the bullying started in grades corresponding to middle and high school. I had one 'friend' who was jealous of me, she pretended to be nice to me and then betrayed me. Interesting thing is that my mother warned me about her. She was over at my place once and my mom said that as soon as I turned my back she was looking at me with a stare full of hate, then she saw that my mom was looking and immediately went back to smiling. But I didn't listen xD so yeah this didn't end well.

I was bullied mostly by guys for whatever reason, not girls. Two groups of two guys each, not related to each other. One pair was in my language class, one of them was sitting in front of me and one right behind so they'd turn to talk to each other and decided to crack jokes at my expense. This ended when I started to physically 'bully' one of them back in response, and 'accidentally' slipped some open yogurt into backpack of another when he wasn't looking (oops). The second pair of guys was in another class and was bullying me at the same time, also making stupid jokes at my expense. They only bothered me during breaks not as much as that first pair. Eventually they got bored of it and started picking on somebody else. One of my friends was regularly bullied in cafeteria - some guys decided it would be fun to throw food at her. One time she got hit hard enough with an apple to leave a bruise.

Overall, it wasn't a huge issue for me in school days. There was some bullying but I also observed other kids being exposed to the same. I'd much rather hate to be in the place of the guys and girls who did the bullying, that only way they could up their ego is by trying to put others down. This is just sad. In college ... I went to a big school so there wasn't any point in bullying because you could go and associate with any group of people. 20% of undergrads were biology majors, and engineering was another popular one, so there was basically high nerd/overachiever density and I didn't feel out of place.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,039 Posts
I guess it's already apparent from my other posts that the answer is yes for me.

I was bullied by people half my size, because they thought I was stupid. Unfortunatley, I thought they were right.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,835 Posts
I've been bullied a good amount.

Grade school
When girls stopped having cooties and each gender started liking each other, I was obviously much to quiet to say anything or to show anything. Because I wasn't as openly interested in girls as my classmates, they would call me gay or ask me questions like, so why are you gay? How did I react to kids? I ran away ran away ran away then...lash out.

I had a couple run ins with kids. I wouldn't say anything, I just remembered what they did or said then I would do something. Wrestled one kid and threw him against a wall. Another kid we had a snowball fight (hated that kid) and I threw a few ice balls at him instead.

High school
I went to a ghetto school with some problematic kids who liked to pick on the short and/or skinny kids. Both of these I was. On the way home I got made fun of as well, the typical asian jokes.

Didn't do a lot, but stood my ground more often and made them understand they couldn't do this to me.

College
I had a roommate who would mess with me a lot pushing me around (he was a lot bigger than me) and calling me names. I was a sophmore, still a small guy.

Here is where I had enough. I ended up wrestling the guy in our dorm. I'm not proud of it but I ended up getting on top of him then taunting him (no one liked him so they just let me continue, go figure).


Adult
Uh no, doesn't happen anymore.

As I write this, I see I was super passive-agressive. I would defer defer, tell people to leave me alone, I usually gave someone a warning then after that I did something about it. I know growing up I always felt older than other kids in the sense that I always wondered why they would do stupid things. But I bet their childhood was probably more interesting than mine. I dunno. =/
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
23 Posts
I was bullied when I was in Elementary School (by my best friend - weird! I'm not friends with her anymore), Middle School, some tried to bully me in high school but I could have cared less and they backed off, and in college, there was one girl that just wouldn't lay off. She was my roommate. :confused: She was a sorority girl (like curious 0610's case) and she would be so sweet to my friends and all but a complete terror to me. I think it was because I didn't meet her expectations and didn't click with her as she did with other students. She wanted to party, drink on school nights, have her boy-friend sleep over, and gossip when I was fine hanging out with my small group of friends, going to events, and I didn't care for gossip. There was a clash on the personality and socio-economic level. I was well-grounded and down-to-earth and she was superficial and a manipulative. People assumed that we would get along great but I don't think there would be anyone else I'd rather not live with. After a semester of stress, depression, crying, acne, and upsets, I moved in with another girl. It worked out for the better. There was a huge respect and communication issue. I look back and I wonder how anyone can be so horrible and mean, but then again - there's no point. Her and her friends wanted to make my life a living hell and found amusement in doing so. In the end, all I know is that I did what I could to get along with her and her friends, however, she saw that I lacked something or had a weakness. I've come to grips that I can't please everyone and if I'm fine and happy with me - then that's all that matters. So glad I changed that situation and moved out. Phew! :laughing:

Also, I learned that I should have stood up for myself when the bullying occurred – at times, I just turned my cheek and ignored everything. It would have also helped if I had good friends that stood up for me – but I can’t blame them because if I couldn’t even stand up for myself – how can I expect others to? To me, a fight worth fighting for should be really worth it and with people I love – but that’s just me. For those who suffer from bullying at work or school, talk to people who’ll be supportive. Also, please know that you’re perfectly fine just the way you are. :happy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
858 Posts
Ugh, I forgot that my dad was on the phone so I pressed "POST" and it didn't even post. It was a long one too. I'm frustrated right now. Hopefully you don't mind the long post and the sob stories.

I was bullied the moment I entered Kindergarten by two girls whom I shared a table with. I didn't know why that was so. I mean, was it because that I registered late? But the teacher didn't do anything about it, as if she didn't notice or hear. Sometime later, during recess I was bullied yet again and they were more violent, pushing me to the ground and scraping my knee. I remember begging the teacher who was watching over to tell them to stop and she did. But when they taunted me again, the teacher turned a blind eye to it.

I was bullied yet again in First Grade because of my name. I think it was during Storytelling time and since my name was Diana, they all asked me, "So you're Princess Diana . . . Why aren't you dead yet?" and "You're Princess Diana's ghost!" As of right now, reading those comments that they made, it didn't seem hurtful, but at that moment and only 6-years old, it hurted. The teacher who saw everything, didn't do anything, as if she had butted in, that the children would turn against her.

In Middle School was even worse. The classmates that I came to know in 5th and 6th grade, shunned me. All because of my bad acne. During this time, I was bullied mostly by boys who were trying to challenge themselves in breaking the Introvert in me. I didn't know what was fun about that. I found it very annoying and immature. There were a couple of times where I wanted to deck them in the face, but couldn't because I didn't want to be suspended. There was one boy in 8th grade that really loved to torture me, as if it was his past time during school. There was one time during Art class, we had to go outside and draw whatever we saw. I was sitting on a bench, minding my own business and working on my assignment. He and his female friend sat on the bench a feet away from me, talking. When the teacher called time and had to go back to the classroom, the guy got up and looked at me. I looked up at him too and he glared at me, saying, "See what you did, Diana! You made my friend not finish her work! I hope you're happy!" It was total BS, but for some reason, I blamed myself and cried over it.

High school life was not heaven, but it wasn't hell either. I had a group of good friends that I surrounded myself in and no bullying occurred. So I was content. During college however, I encountered one bullying, but I rather call it a misunderstanding. We had to do a project for History. The girl who was the leader of the group was very harsh and demanding with me. The two other girls were her friends, so I was alone in this. One day when we were discussing ideas for our project, I gave them a few ideas, all of them were shot down by her. She said that it didn't match with what her and her two friends were thinking of. I thought, "Well, of course. I'm not your friend. How will I know your thinking process?" So I said that I will think of other ideas. The next day at our meeting, I showed her my new ideas and yet again she shot me down saying that I didn't know anything and that I was slowing them down. I left crying and blaming myself. So I decided that I would not even participate or even show up to the presentation because I didn't want to bring them down. I heard later that they got an A+ without me and I got an F for the project. I should've been sad, but I was happy for them. (Gosh I cried when I wrote that) I didn't see them anymore. But the next semester, I had a class with the girl that bullied me. For our assignment in that class we had to say one thing that had us choose between right and wrong that happened recently. I talked about my depression and the girl that bullied me, had a shocked look on her face and then a guilty one afterwards. When the class was over, I hurried out of the room to get home and the girl called for me. I stopped and turned around to look at her in confusion. She looked nervous standing in front of me and then apologized to me for what she did the previous semester. I forgave her in an instant and she went about explaining that she too went through depression and that her tough facade was her defense against people. But since then I haven't seen her around campus.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,482 Posts
I was bullied when I was younger because of my hearing disability. Now, I don't get bullied anymore. But, does getting picked on by your mom counts? Lol
 

·
MOTM October 2013
Joined
·
6,445 Posts
In elementary school I liked to rough-house. A lot. I don't know if that counted as bullying or not, as it wasn't done maliciously (over enthusiastically? sometimes...). One group of guys had fun taunting us and then running off, and we'd chase each other all over the playground. Others took it more seriously which almost got me in trouble a few times.

In middle school, I ran with what my friends termed the "popular outcast" crowd. We might have gotten picked on behind the scenes, but with a team of us, no one dared it face-to-face.

High school I was in a small school that didn't really have cliques. One of my friends was an underdog, but not exactly bullied, another had the makings to be a real bully herself, but I never liked her that much. There was one bully who apparently picked on everyone who tried turning it on me. I turned all her words back around at her, and she eventually dropped out of school so I no longer had to deal with her. I like to think I had the upper hand by the time she left, though.

My worst bullying experience came from people I only knew online. It was subtle, and for a while I didn't even know it was bullying. It really did a number on my self-esteem, and began to affect my real life. They harrassed me about my real life situation, as well. Anyway, finally they went too far. I snapped then and really tore into them. They stopped talking to me after that, but I think rumors got spread because I caught some nasty jokes about my situation. Twist of justice though--apparently one of the moderators saw that and delivered the smack-down, to which the bullies incriminated themselves further by blowing up on the moderator. Real smart...word to the wise, never say nasty things to a person who has the power to ban you. :bored:
 

·
Registered
INFJ 6w5, 1w2, 2w1 Sx/Sp
Joined
·
10,477 Posts
Kindergarten - This boy led everyone into chanting that I have a black tooth (a filling). It's gone now. It was stupid. My friend tried to stick up for me by saying she had one too but it was no use and the teacher ignored the whole thing. It happened every day for about a week or so during recess. It made me feel helpless.

4th grade - This girl who was my friend was a bully. I don't know why we followed her. At recess she would order us all around during these games we played. She was especially cruel to this one girl. Accusing her of all sorts of stupid crap. Like omg, you copied my body language when we were watching that movie in class. You must be punished! She was angry and ridiculous. I went over her house once and one of the little girls that her parents adopted asked her to help her with something and she just screamed at her and threw something at her and the girl started crying. I was horrified. I couldn't believe she did that. I guess that's what happens when you have 13 other siblings (three adopted)? I don't know. She also pushed me down once and stepped on something I had made and laughed. I was like, "It's not funny." And my best friend agreed. She took it took far. I hope she's not as angry any more.

6th grade - My homeroom was made up of mostly all boys and a few snotty girls who I wasn't close to so I spent the entire period quietly sitting at my desk. One idiot boy asked me what 1+1 was because apparently quiet = stupid. Ah, you're so clever. I ignored him and him and all the other boys found it humorous for some reason? I still don't understand what was so funny about the whole thing. In later years I wasn't all that nice to him because of that but he's so much of an idiot I'm sure he didn't even remember me. He acts like a two year old most of the time.

7th grade - There was this one boy who would pick on me all the time in every class especially our typing class where we sat next to each other. He would always try to get a reaction out of me. I'd always humor him and make an annoyed face even though it wasn't all that annoying. I'd never say a word though. He found it amusing I guess because he always tried to bother me in little ways. Then one day I was packing up my backpack before leaving class and he crept up behind me and started touching my hair. "It's so soft," he said. I wasn't expecting that. And then in 9th grade he would go out of his way to do favors for me and be kind to me.

And that's all my experiences with bullying. Hope it didn't bore you too much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
917 Posts
I'm not going to type too much because I've outlined most of this in another thread, but I was bullied a little, and I always exploded violently.

In year 5, another boy was laughing at me, calling me an idiot because I played in a world of make believe in the playground, breaking down imaginary doors and laying down suppressive fire for non existent comrades.
It was petty and pointless, everyone laughed at me and I knew it, but when he did it in the cloak room one day, I jumped on him and bit him pretty hard, he had a bruise a month later.

Other than that, there was a bit of cyber bullying and the time I almost had a rib broken on my first year in high school, and the name calling that followed me until I left high school.

Wierdo, Psycho, Freak, they don't hurt me anymore, because if I am one, then so are they.
Because I only reflect from example.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DreamingSoul
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Top