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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I'm sure someone has done a thread similar to this, but nonetheless I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I enjoy giving physical affection. When physical affection hasn't happened yet between me and someone (who I would like it to happen with) I enjoy imagining/planning how I want to go about it. As with most NF's it is not merely a physical act but a fundamental part of how I want to express love to a significant other. The intensity of this yearning is proportional to the emotional intensity.

A recent love interest of mine had just gotten back from a long walking trip across Europe. We'd been communicating during that time and she told me how hard it was on her feet. After a spending a couple days together, and after there had been already been signs of mutual affection, (sitting close, hand holding, playful hugging) I had her sit on the couch so I could wash and massage her feet. I enjoyed serving her and meeting that need. It went from that to me brushing her hair aside, kissing her neck, her chest just below her neck (a particular favorite), her mouth, and her lying on top of me as I held her close. Even during this she was ambivalent about our relationship and as an ENTP she didn't show a lot of emotion. In spite of that I still enjoyed the exchange. At no point was I aroused or was there even a hint that sex was what I was after. It was my gift to her. I think this blurb from the 16 personalities website sums it up best.

" INFJs’ emotions are incredibly powerful and they cherish the idea of expressing them in this way – people with this personality type are likely to be very passionate and enthusiastic partners."

So what do other INFJs think? How do you like to express physical affection? Feel free to share your perspective and stories.
 

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When physical affection hasn't happened yet between me and someone (who I would like it to happen with) I enjoy imagining/planning how I want to go about it.
haha yes! so true. i always felt kinda creepy doing that, but now i guess i can just chalk it up to my personality! i also found that when i fell in love, i would want to know all the other person's fantasies and do everything i could to make them come true.

i've noticed that i tend to touch people who i like a lot, whether romantically or platonically--like patting them on the leg or playfully knocking them on the shoulder. i do this A LOT so i sometimes worry other people will find this weird, but it's like when i find the rare person who gets me, that's the way i instinctively want to communicate it to them. words, tho i like them, aren't enough. are other INFJs the same way?
 

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I am very physically affectionate, and it is as you said--a gift of sorts...but...It's also just one of the best ways I know how to convey my emotions. If I want to be right up close to you, in some way, that's all there is to it. It describes so much just by my desiring to do so.

But there are different levels to it. With my SO ( :blushed: ) my instinct is to be very intense, very close, like...I don't even know how to describe it...but it's waaaay at a higher level of intensity because feelz than it is to, say...a close friend. (and if i can't with an SO, even just simple stuff, there's at least a slight ache/longing/sadness that's left over.)

With close friends, I'm still gonna express it physically-- probably moreso than the people around me are used to, and people have gotten onto me about this before for 'not having a concept of personal space' :/. I guess it has to do with how genuine i am about it. If i give a hug, I give a real hug, even to people I've just met. Doesn't mean near as much to me as the upper levels of it, but to the people around me, it gets conveyed as more, I think. So, while i don't go 'gifting' people the things you describe without being sexually attracted, I bet I could easily do it. Especially if i thought it was what was needed, and didn't have prior commitments to somebody else lol. Thing is though, most times that seems to just confuse people waaaay more than i feel I should :tongue:.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
So, while i don't go 'gifting' people the things you describe without being sexually attracted, I bet I could easily do it. Especially if i thought it was what was needed, and didn't have prior commitments to somebody else lol. Thing is though, most times that seems to just confuse people waaaay more than i feel I should :tongue:.
I guess I should clarify a little. It wasn't JUST a gift :happy:. I really liked her and wanted to take the relationship to the next level. I'm not in the habit of just kissing anyone, but as I've gotten older I relish the opportunity to express myself that way. I got a thoughtful email the next day after our romantic morning saying that I was wonderful but the distance, life-stage difference was too much for her. It hurt like hell, but I'm getting over it and I know I made an impression. I'm hopeful someday I'll change her mind. You're right though, half hazard physical affection could send the wrong signals but we as INFJs are too careful with others to want to do that.
 

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I have personal space issues, so I generally keep people at least arms length away from me at all times. This includes my family members unless I hug my mom on her birthday or something. However... If I'm in a relationship, I turn into a cuddle bug. I am the perfect size to be a cuddling gamer girl. I can sit in your lap while I kick your butt at Halo, and I'm so short you can still see over me! =D
 

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I'm always very open (exclusively :tongue: irony alert!) with physical affection. I'm very affectionate towards my fiance and I always have been with my family. I'm a big hugger :proud: My sister always says I have 'Gran hug' which basically means I squeeze the shit out of people in a loving kind of way! Especially since i go for about a month at a time without seeing them (we live a bit far from each other) :happy:
 

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Physical affection is pretty important to me. However, i prefer to express it only to people who are around my age, especially girls (pervert me >:D) as i find hugging my parents and little kids pretty awkward.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Physical affection is pretty important to me. However, i prefer to express it only to people who are around my age, especially girls (pervert me >:D) as i find hugging my parents and little kids pretty awkward.
Culturally conditioned? The stigma where everyone is suspected of having wrong intentions when hugging a child.
 

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Either I'm horrible at expressing it or have none because I do not show my physical affection much. According to love language, it is my fifth love language which I do not reciprocate well and am oblivious to those who desire it. However, when people (whom I'm close to) show me physical affection I'll take it although in my mind it's weird. Perhaps as you quoted it, I do not express unless I want to remember and cherish it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Either I'm horrible at expressing it or have none because I do not show my physical affection much. According to love language, it is my fifth love language which I do not reciprocate well and am oblivious to those who desire it. However, when people (whom I'm close to) show me physical affection I'll take it although in my mind it's weird. Perhaps as you quoted it, I do not express unless I want to remember and cherish it.
Your post makes me wonder if this is more geared toward male INFJs. All rules are meant to be broken but in general it's men that make the first move romantically.
 

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I have a large personal space and I very very rarely initiate a hug with anyone. The only exception are those few who are very important to me and close to me. With them I could be skin on skin for a long time. I like to touch these special people and I have been told that the way I touch is unusually nice and comfortable. "where have you learned to touch like that?" I love to touch in a way that I know feels good. For me closeness and touch are something by which I communicate love and caring. I like to hug my kids too and stroke and cuddle them too and let them climb all over me.
 

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I show it in being close to someone,
Due to circumstance and past relationships,
I don't like to get all touchy till much further into a relationship,
And I usually only bother when I feel safe.

I really don't like PDA,
And I don't like cuddling till I truly trust someone,
But once I do?

I like holding their hands in the cinema when we watch a movie,
I like letting them lie in my lap on the sofa whilst I stroke their hair,
I like cuddling next to them when in bed(For short periods of time as I like my space),
I like hugging them to let them know I care,
I give them quick pecks as I am shy.

I want someone to be able to be more affectionate than I am,
More able to give that type of affection,
So that I'd be willing to do the same,
And feel more safe in doing it.
 

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I wonder how much upbringing has to do with this?

I don't hug people, at all, ever, and I'd feel intrusive even so much as poking them lightly. I can't remember ever hugging family members... but that's probably because they didn't hug me. I've only ever had male T-type friends, and hugs weren't an expected thing there. I hated how they'd sometimes do back pats or arm punches or whatever... but that's because I hate violence and didn't much care for them as people either!!1

However, when I was with my ex-girlfriend, I'd want to be physically connected to her like all the time. I'd hug her at every opportunity, for a very long time each time. Maybe that's because I was excited to just be able to physically interact with a girl my age for the first time ever, I don't know. I did feel very passionately about it though, and I couldn't comprehend a romantic relationship that wasn't extremely physically close. I felt like I wanted to be so close to her that we'd bond together into one being or something like that; it was an intense thing that got all my attention rather than something I did casually or out of expectation.

I think I'd WANT to be physically close to anyone I was emotionally close to (well, if she was a she anyway; I wouldn't want to have a long and heartful hug with another guy), but I'd probably hold back because I don't know the etiquette of that kind of thing and would worry about intruding in a way that she didn't appreciate.

I wonder if those of you more comfortable with hugging strangers and such received a lot of that from others in your formative years? Hugging strangers is terrifying and odd to me due to having absolutely zero experience with it.
 

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Either I'm horrible at expressing it or have none because I do not show my physical affection much. According to love language, it is my fifth love language which I do not reciprocate well and am oblivious to those who desire it. However, when people (whom I'm close to) show me physical affection I'll take it although in my mind it's weird. Perhaps as you quoted it, I do not express unless I want to remember and cherish it.

I'm almost like you.
I could only express physical affection If I'm with that person only the two of us. I could never do it in public. It makes me nervous and it's so awkward to me.
 

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@Pseudolonewolf This is perfectly my experience. All I'd add is that occasionally there's dissonance between heart and habit. I've become friends with much more huggable people and very open people, who are very dear to me. Now that it's okay to hug, sometimes I almost-but-not-quite want to hug or cuddle them, but simply don't know how to go about it and feel fearful of the thought alone. So yes, I would guess that upbringing is what it's all about!
 
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Your post makes me wonder if this is more geared toward male INFJs. All rules are meant to be broken but in general it's men that make the first move romantically.
I think so. I hear from my girl how their man shows a lot of physical affections while it's not the same for them. It's from person to person.

I'm almost like you.
I could only express physical affection If I'm with that person only the two of us. I could never do it in public. It makes me nervous and it's so awkward to me.
Maybe a tiny bit nervous but not much awkward, more like uncomfortable to me. I'm learning to get out of my comfort zone regardless how I feel.
 
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