[Neotriplax]

Can someone tell me why people need to look echother in the eyes all the time? Mabye this is a stupid qestion, but I cant figure out why it hurts me so much. To me its like starring in to the sun sometimes. Its a combination of not wanting to hurt people by looking at them and not beeing hurt i guess...But I know I need to do something about it. Dont think I need it for my own sake, but others seem to be all confused by me avoiding ther eyes.
What are they looking for, and why am I hiding?

 

[ShipwreckEyes]

YES! I absolutly loath looking strangers in the eye's,perhaps this is why im so off putting to people. But to me the eyes truelly are a window to the soul, and i refuse to let others see the real me. The me i hide, the me that is sensitive and raw, thats why i avoid eye contact. I feel its a intrusian into my own personal world, my eyes... tell you everything.

 

[FaveteLinguis]

Eye contact is a pretty powerful asset with non-verbal communication. Our pupils will dilate in response to looking at someone we have an intense desire for. I'm pretty sure our brains are hardwired to subconciously pick up on these subtle signals and interpret them.

People want to look at your eyes to build trust and intimacy. Fear might be why you look away. At what however is for you to answer.

Edit: An interesting article for your reading pleasure. http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/human-biology/love-make-pupils-dilate.htm

 

[IcarusDreams]

To answer your question, I'll pose another, similar question; why not? I understand how you feel, having been there as a kid and a young man. However, once you realize we actually have nothing to fear or be ashamed of, it's a nice skill to practice (it probably feels most unnatural and awkward right now, and it will take some time to develop, but it's worth learning proper eye contact, IMHO-you'll soon find out that you are not alone in feeling this way as soon as you get more used to looking at people directly in the eyes!) There's much to be gained (you can achieve this without losing yourself/being fake), and nothing to lose in developing this social skill.

 

[illicit iridescence]

I prefer to use eye-contact as a means to accentuate my message, to see the reaction of my conversational partner and let her/him know I'm listening. Sometimes when no eye-contact is made it feels like we're talking but not listening. I myself don't think you can see everything if you look into someone's eyes.

 

[Marimeli]

This is actually a highly cultural thing. In some cultures, children are taught not to look adults in the eye because it is considered aggressive and disrespectful. Then the kids move here and if they get in trouble in school the teacher is all, "look me in the eye when I'm speaking to you!" it's very confusing for foreigners, sometimes.

 

[infpblog]

Can someone tell me why people need to look echother in the eyes all the time? Mabye this is a stupid qestion, but I cant figure out why it hurts me so much. To me its like starring in to the sun sometimes. Its a combination of not wanting to hurt people by looking at them and not beeing hurt i guess...But I know I need to do something about it. Dont think I need it for my own sake, but others seem to be all confused by me avoiding ther eyes.
What are they looking for, and why am I hiding?

Eye contact and a warm smile even in passing sends a profound psychological signal to another that you acknowledge them as a person in a world that doesn't care less if you existed.

Making someone feel acknowledged and not ignored is the first step in creating a relationship with another human being. Everyone who wants to have friends learns to do this eventually when they realize they aren't making any friends.

 

[cloudcompeller]

I feel energy is somewhat drained from me when I look at people's eyes. I can't really focus listening to them if I look into their eyes for more than 3 secs, although it usually happen to strangers. So that might be because we feel alien to them so staring at them is like looking down at an abyss :laughing:

Anyway, eye contact can be powerful at times, at least for me because I don't usually use a lot, but when I do it seems I want to tell something really important!

 

[VertigoH]

I usually have to remind myself to look someone in the eye when talking to them. It's not something that I would naturally do for some reason, but I understand why it's important in our culture, and it doesn't bother me too much now. It used to when I was a kid though. It's still not the most comfortable thing in the world, but I don't make a point to fear or avoid eye contact.

 

[Stable Genius]

When I look someone in the eye, I look to see if they're genuine, friendly, troubled, angry ect. The eyes will tell you everything. You can convey so much with the eyes; confidence, fear, anger, desire, warmth, power ect. Your eyes are a valuable asset in many situations, and you would do well to work on your eye contact. I used to be horrible at it myself, but I'm allright now, it just takes some time. Goodluck bro.

 

[ToxicatedRose]

As the saying goes - the eyes are the windows of the soul. I agree completely with that, I can tell everything from everyone just by eye contact. With a discussion I cannot speak without eye contact or hand gestures otherwise the conversation seems dry and soulless - I also recently discovered that people like you more for eye contact amd you're more likely to be employed if you deliver eye contact in an interview
Just my thoughts ^^

 

[Dylio]

People will think you're weak if you don't have enough confidence to look them in the eye

 

[CosmicJalapeno]

When a stranger and I make eye contact I just turn it into a game of who will look away first. Usually it is them. When I am conversing with people I rarely make I contact though, it makes me uncomfortable, and detracts from the message I'm trying to convey because it causes my brain to focus on the uncomfortable aspect rather than the subject at hand.

 

[imploded hope]

I suck at looking people in the eyes. I look at the chin. You ever noticed how weird and different peoples chins are? I have.

 

[Ayia]

Can someone tell me why people need to look echother in the eyes all the time? Mabye this is a stupid qestion, but I cant figure out why it hurts me so much. To me its like starring in to the sun sometimes. Its a combination of not wanting to hurt people by looking at them and not beeing hurt i guess...But I know I need to do something about it. Dont think I need it for my own sake, but others seem to be all confused by me avoiding ther eyes.
What are they looking for, and why am I hiding?

I completely relate. Eye-contact freaks me out. And I can't comprehend what people are saying when I make eyecontact. it really throws me off, focus-wise.

 

[ElephantinePigiferous]

i can't look people in the eye when im conversing with them but when someone crosses the line, i sort of glare at them..it turns into quite a showdown and most of the time the other person changes the topic or finds another way around it.
so what im trying to say is,eye contact is in a way important.its not just that it shows that you're listening to the other person but in a way it also tells the other person how you're reacting to their words. not to mention it is also a sign of confidence..that you don't have anything to hide.makes you seem more genuine.

 

[IAmMe2010]

I don't know, eye contact always seems to be something I MUST MAKE in order to properly communicate. I'm reading what they are saying, I'm getting to know them, I'm letting them know that I'm not staring at some other part of them and making judgments, I'm looking at them and at who they are, I want to know them and I'm not afraid to let them know who I am. When I'm talking to someone who can't make eye contact I actually start playing closer attention, lack of eye contact can mean so many things. It can mean shame, it can mean lack of interest, it can mean you don't like me, it can mean you feel very very submissive, it can also mean you'd rather be anywhere but here and so to a less discerning individual it can also make you seem dishonest, as if you are hiding something.

Of course there are those who just intimidate the life out of me, I find it very very hard to make eye contact with these people and in fact doing so would indicate that I was challenging their authority(whether it be imagined or real) , I avoid these people at all cost. They scare me, they don't want to know me they just want to dominate and for some reason this makes them feel powerful >.> I definitely hide from these people, it can't be helped...

but aside from these power/domination focused people I always try to make eye contact, because a lack of it can send so many more cues than a person realizes(in my opinion, lack of eye contact reveals more than direct eye contact and also opens you up to misinterpretation).
Next time, if your talking to a person and you care about what they are saying try to look them in the eye a bit, don't be so afraid. Nobody is peering into your soul, they are just communicating with you, and even if a person is being dominate don't play into their head games, just be yourself :wink:

Of course if not making eye contact is part of being you then continue to do so just be aware that this sends just as many messages as full on eye contact :wink:

 

[goldentryst]

I find eye contact to be such a powerful, and sometimes intimate, form of communication.

For that reason alone I often avoid direct eye contact.

When I want to intimidate someone, I'll send them a certain lowkey 'look' where I lower my eyelids a bit and in a sense look down on them. Perhaps shoot them a sharp glance from the corner of my eye.

If I dare to let a male know that he's attractive to me, I'll make eye contact with him and also quirk my lips in a small smile. It comes off as a bit suggestive sometime, depending on whether I'm feeling especially bold and want to send a 'sexy' vibe in lieu of 'cute'. (I guess it also depends on if I'm wearing my smoky/'bedroom eyes' makeup LOL.)

I often avert my eyes if I feel that I'm being dominated. For example, in an argument with my boyfriend where I know I'm wrong and ashamed, I will avert my eyes. However, if I am the one 'pushing' at someone and am 100% confident, I will likely stare them down. I will probably continue to always avoid direct eye contact with my father because it's so ingrained in me that he is above me and sort of the 'leader' in my little family pack of 3 (him, me, and my mother). I never avoid eye contact with my mother (unless I feel cornered and caught in something I've done wrong) as we're very close to each other and I consider her a very close companion/'friend'.

 

[cybershaman]

Eye contact I feel is an interesting topic!

Curiously, when I was in my teens and early adulthood I never managed to maintain eye contact with a person I spoke to (no matter whether complete stranger or confidante!)
That behaviour was pinpointed by some people who were very close to me as kind of odd, if not even irritating. Of course I, myself, could not really explain why I couldn't do the whole eye contact thing.

The “problem“ (that is up to debate!! ;-D), however, vanished by itself as I grew older, why exactly I don't know and would need to reflect on.

Nowadays I am able and willing to keep eye contact with someone up to the point where it seems to become too intense for the person I speak to so I even have to be careful and considerate of the other.

For me, keeping eye contact while talking to someone is important because:

*you acknowledge the presence of the person you are talking to thus making conversing easier by making them feel at ease
*you convey that YOU are actually meaning to converse (opposed to for instance at work you may not be looking at a colleague who you are still talking to while fiddling with something else at the same time - for me that would be a subtle way of telling “I am talking to you because you seem to need it right now, but look I am also VERY busy and distracted right now.“)
*mutual eye contact conveys authenticity and trust
*also, if bringing across a point your eye contact will instantly raise your credibility factor which can be worth it at work (see basic rhetorics)
*you can make use of NLP (wikipedia it ;-)) if you look into someones eyes while talking to gauge whether they are telling the truth or if the are making things up as they go - but I only ever do that at work

Anyway, I do feel eye contact can be a typical INFP “issue“ but if you are feeling down about your inability to make and keep eye contact just give it a little time and training. I feel this side of conversing comes naturally over the years as an INFP matures and grows older, more accustomed to the world.

Until then a little tip: instead of looking someone in the eyes simply look at the tip of their nose. The person will feel as though you are looking in their eyes and it is MUCH easier to do and maintain! It's a fine way to train yourself, too. Simply alternate your eye contact between their eyes and to the tip of their nose when you have exhausted yourself, then back up to eyes again after a while.

 

[cybershaman]

As a funny side note, yet not to belittle anyone on this thread AT ALL, I just remembered that in my childhood and early teens there used to be a wild cat living near us and one of the only ways of EVER being allowed to pet her (without scars!) was “negotiating“ with her through eye contact.

I feel it's kind of heartwarming and telling that you can reason with animals like that by displaying your nature and intentions to them through your eyes.