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I think that you sort of already had this in your OP, but is it possible for my mother's traits to be off-putting instead? She's incredibly concerned with what people think of her, and I loathe everyone who exhibits similar traits (my stepfather is slightly similar too in that).

I feel like a lot of the reason for the things I hate in others are because they're within my parents. Is that normal? Or are there secret traits that I don't realize are in my mother that I value? Or is this just an angsty type 4 male thing?

Also to add: I don't hate these traits because they exist within my parents. It was pointed out by a friend through one of my rants on people. He stated that a lot of what I hate in others are what my parents are like.
 

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I realized that I had a "type" that I liked and was attracted to for men. But didn't realize that I had a "love map" until reading this. I have dated several musicians and guys that are former military. -the ones that had the most profound affect on me that I attached to and fell hard for were both ENFP and probably Type 3's.

I was floored by what you wrote about we also attract the negative...I have often thought, "What's his motive (for wanting to date me)...he better think twice about using me!" I've attracted a couple guys that did use me, were on the rebound and one guy that was a womanizer. -The womanizer looked for another woman as soon as I withdrew when I felt hurt by him and as soon as we had conflict. -he was extremely unhealthy and I broke up with him several times...only to find myself back with him as soon as he pursued and told me how sorry he was and that he loved me.

For the physical "love map" I am highly attracted to slender but fit men...that are not necessarily tall (5'9" to 5'7")....and have Irish ancestry. I have dated men that were tall and muscular (6' to 6'4")...that were German ancestry or had Scottish and Native American in their mix....the chemistry was strong with them, too. But the relationships with them didn't last like the ones that have the Irish ancestry and are shorter and not muscular.....the ones that were tall tended to be successful, sometimes educated and had decent jobs. The shorter guys were in the military and didn't have their stuff together....but money doesn't lure me to them....I just like their personality and enjoy their presence. If I could tell that they didn't value me and were on the hunt...I def didn't waste my time with them and they didn't get a second date (for example if they were extreme cheap skates or if they flirted a lot or talked about other women a lot that they've dated or had relationships with or talked to me in a way that wasn't respectful).

I knew that I had a pattern with attracting certain guys. But I have tried to date out of that type and date a variety....I just found the variety that were not ENFP's to be borish after a while....I didn't even let them kiss me. The ENFP's that wanted a relationship....I would had stayed with them forever...but they are not healthy and run from conflict instead of staying and working it out. I def have no desire to date another guy that's a "player" or one that's on the rebound....I think most ENFP's tend to be respectful and take my feelings into consideration and are more romantic and thoughtful toward me than the other type of personalities that I've dated.

I've attracted a couple ENTP's but never dated them and wasn't around them long enough to see if there was chemistry....but they didn't have the "love map" that usually attracts me...I just liked their silly personality and intelligence. I attracted a couple INTJ's and INFJ's...but INFJ's aren't attractive to me on a sexual level...they made good friends...and INTJ's were bitter toward women and didn't have the ability to understand what I was feeling like ENFP's could.

I know that my personality is INFJ Type 5 and self preservation (withdrawn, security seeking) followed by sexual variance (assertive, intense). I'm pretty certain the two ENFP Type 3's were both sexual variance as well as self preservation....that is probably why our relationships were intense, meaningful, but difficult (because we are self preserving and afraid of rejection).

This was very informative. Thank you for taking the time to research and post this thread! :)
 

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MOTM Feb 2012
ISTJ 9w1
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Discussion Starter #44
I think that you sort of already had this in your OP, but is it possible for my mother's traits to be off-putting instead? She's incredibly concerned with what people think of her, and I loathe everyone who exhibits similar traits (my stepfather is slightly similar too in that).

I feel like a lot of the reason for the things I hate in others are because they're within my parents. Is that normal? Or are there secret traits that I don't realize are in my mother that I value? Or is this just an angsty type 4 male thing?

Also to add: I don't hate these traits because they exist within my parents. It was pointed out by a friend through one of my rants on people. He stated that a lot of what I hate in others are what my parents are like.
What does this author say about people who don't identify with either parent?
That they're a Type 4. :wink: http://personalitycafe.com/type-4-forum-individualist/8291-type-4-parental-orientation.html

To be serious, though, the author didn't go into this too much in depth, but I would imagine that you still have traits from your parents that you look for in a mate, but perhaps just more of your love map is subconscious at this point. I will have to read the Type 4 relationship case studies to refresh my memory about scenarios like these.
 

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@MBTI Enthusiast,

It's been a while since I looked at this, and I've been active in a local enneagram group. I've learned a lot more about the enneagram as a result.

I'm a 5w6, So/Sx/Sp, with a 584 tritype. My wife (of 15 years) is a 8w7, Sp/Sx/So, with a 863 tritype.

On the surface, our types may not appear to be the most common, but there are some less obvious points involved:

1. We share Sx second in our instinctual stacking
2. My 5 goes to 8 for growth, her 8 goes to 5 under stress

3. I go to 7 under stress, and 7 is one of her wings

4. I have a strong 8 fix in my tritype and that's her core type
5. She has a strong 6 fix in her tritype and 6 is my wing

My wife was the "baby" in a very traditional ethnic family; as a result, she was very overprotected and this taught her to be fearful and mistrusting. She had very little opportunity to "test out" her intuition, and thus she came to fear, second-guess, the natural-born intuition of her core type. I believe this explains her 6 fix.

I was first born to a very young and inexperienced family, and I was a boy, so I was given plenty of room to roam freely and satisfy my curiosities (sometimes with detrimental outcomes). I was given ample opportunities to test out my intuition, and thus I developed a strong 8 fix. Sometimes I can appear more "8ish" than my wife!


 

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MOTM Feb 2012
ISTJ 9w1
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Discussion Starter #50
Are you telling me that 7-9 types are mentally unhealthy (>=_=)>
No, there are 9 main personality types, and each type has a Level of Health from 1 (healthiest) to 9 (unhealthiest.) Therefore, you could say you are a Type 9 at a 4 level of health (or whatever.)
 

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I think that this is absolutely true. Except for 3 things:
1. In my opinion: There should be one more section in the love-map: Reaction to change. Everyone changes at different speeds, no one stays the same forever. Some people can change from being completely romantically compatible with you to not -due to personal decisions, life-style choices (health) etc..Or the other way around, someone who is compatible in some areas suddenly becomes very compatible in all : Basically, how fast does this person re-evaluate themselves or change their habits/certain personality tendencies over a period of time. (for example: annually vs. every 10 years)
2. Also what about situation: Even the most compatible people can be totally unattracted by each other depending on the situation: like Romeo & Juliet type situations, social class, level of education, or wars whether literal or discriminatory (racial wars, LBGT rights arguments, etc.) etc.
If they are caught in one or the other side of it--then it's easy to forget about people's personality and easy to stereotype them as 'Black' or 'Has-a-gay-father' or 'Has-a-homophobic-mother' or 'Father's-in-prison'
3. There are exceptions to everything, and I've seen people who have completely different lifestyles, non-compatible engrams, personality types, sub-types, physcological health (one has a form of hereditary depression while the other did not have any mental problems and continues to not have any), and 'love-maps' (they reacted entirely different to social situations-did not agree on how to act in social situations, values, or politics) get married & stay happily married for over a decade. They were (and still are) two completely different people that only shared one thing: their religious preference. So basically .5/5
I guess this is pretty rare, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen--It just takes WAY more work than a 'normal' relationship.
 

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YES. I have been waiting for just such a book.


Matching Personality Subtypes : Refers to your dominant instinctual variant, either sexual (sx), social (so), or self-preservation (sp.)

- So it's considered most complimentary for instinctual stacks to be the SAME?

Harmonic Triad Match: Refers to your Harmonic Triad (how each type handles conflict, adversity, and situations in which our needs are not met.) Either Positive Outlook (Types 2, 7, 9), Reactive (Types 4, 6, 8), or Competency (Types 1, 3, 5.)

- Again, it is best for these to be the SAME? "Reactive" sounds so negative....I wonder if the others are given such a negative slant. I can't see how two reactives is really desirable....? I find this problematic with 6 family members, for instance. We "feed" each other.

Complimentary Connection Line: Refers to a connecting line in the enneagram diagram, i.e. a shared integration / disintegration line.

- As noted, you could not have this AND have your harmonic triad matching.... It's seems "sameness" is considered the best here, which does align with MBTI reports about compatibility which use statistics (the closer to your own type in terms of letters - not functions - then the higher the satisfaction ratings tend to be; but many theories focus on function preferences in pairing ideal matches, without any poll statistics to back it up).

Basically, this gives 4, 6, 8 or 1 & 2 as the 4's best enneagram type matches. I wonder why wings are not considered of any significance Or are they discussed in the book?
I, too, find it bizarre to consider that the triads should be matching. I am much more comfortable with and attracted to competency or positive outlook. Spending time with other reactives tends to make me feel very stressed and "flooded", because things escalate instead of de-escalating.
 

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MOTM Feb 2012
ISTJ 9w1
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Discussion Starter #54
I'm an INFJ and Enneagram type 5. I've attracted several ENFP w/ Enneagram type 3's. But don't know if type 3 is good for me?

What does anyone suggest as a good match for me, a Type 5?

Thank you. Interesting thread! :)
Well, according to this study you are most likely to marry a 1 and least likely to marry a 3, 4, or 8.

Another book I own Understand Yourself, Understand Your Partner: The Essential Enneagram Guide to a Better Relationship states that 5's report struggling most with 1s, 2s, and 9s, and report being most compatible with other 5s and 9s (yes, the 9 is in both categories.)


Yet another book Are You My Type, Am I Yours? states that Female 5s tend to choose Male 5s most often; 6s and 9s quite often; 1s, 2s, 7s, and 8s less often; and 3s and 4s least often.
 

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MOTM Feb 2012
ISTJ 9w1
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Discussion Starter #55
I, too, find it bizarre to consider that the triads should be matching. I am much more comfortable with and attracted to competency or positive outlook. Spending time with other reactives tends to make me feel very stressed and "flooded", because things escalate instead of de-escalating.
Whenever I talk to "reactives" about this, I like to refer to the group instead as the "emotional realness" group, and then it makes a lot more sense. My sister is a Type 4 and she likes talking with my mother, a Type 6, because my mother can relate to and understand that emotional side. My sister gets extremely frustrated with my father, a 5, and I, a 9, because she says we are like stone walls. We tend to be unaffected by her emotional pleas, i.e. we do not mirror her emotions when something is a big deal to her. To us, it's either the boy who cried wolf or completely blown out of proportion. 4s, 6s, and 8s need someone to reflect their high-intensity feelings and concerns, thus validating them. Therefore, I can see how this would be a factor for compatibility.
 

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Whenever I talk to "reactives" about this, I like to refer to the group instead as the "emotional realness" group, and then it makes a lot more sense. My sister is a Type 4 and she likes talking with my mother, a Type 6, because my mother can relate to and understand that emotional side. My sister gets extremely frustrated with my father, a 5, and I, a 9, because she says we are like stone walls. We tend to be unaffected by her emotional pleas, i.e. we do not mirror her emotions when something is a big deal to her. To us, it's either the boy who cried wolf or completely blown out of proportion. 4s, 6s, and 8s need someone to reflect their high-intensity feelings and concerns, thus validating them. Therefore, I can see how this would be a factor for compatibility.
This works for a four, who wants their emotion responded to emotionally (indeed it helps me understand a four I know and her difficulties with her parents, both definitely not reactive types)

But I don't want my emotions "related to". I want to be "reassured", to feel "secure". I don't quite get how a second volatile person would provide that. I want my concerns played down, not up, I want to be reminded that there's only a tiny old man behind the giant flaming head. I hate feeling like my flailing emotional states are making someone else upset, I feel much safer to express how upset I am when I don't have to feel guilty that the other person is being dragged along, something I've experienced with fours and eights.

(I mean yes obviously disrespect and contempt for my feelings would be unacceptable, but I definitely appreciate people who either pragmatically or optimistically help shrink my concerns down to size.)

(to be fair, when it comes to interpersonal conflict I'm sufficiently 9ish that.... Actually, this makes me remember a theory that the key factor is gut fix. And actually get fix has magnificent correlation with John gottman's three conflict management styles, which he suggests should ideally be matching to minimize issues)
 

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MOTM Feb 2012
ISTJ 9w1
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Discussion Starter #57
This works for a four, who wants their emotion responded to emotionally (indeed it helps me understand a four I know and her difficulties with her parents, both definitely not reactive types)

But I don't want my emotions "related to". I want to be "reassured", to feel "secure". I don't quite get how a second volatile person would provide that. I want my concerns played down, not up, I want to be reminded that there's only a tiny old man behind the giant flaming head. I hate feeling like my flailing emotional states are making someone else upset, I feel much safer to express how upset I am when I don't have to feel guilty that the other person is being dragged along, something I've experienced with fours and eights.

(I mean yes obviously disrespect and contempt for my feelings would be unacceptable, but I definitely appreciate people who either pragmatically or optimistically help shrink my concerns down to size.)

(to be fair, when it comes to interpersonal conflict I'm sufficiently 9ish that.... Actually, this makes me remember a theory that the key factor is gut fix. And actually get fix has magnificent correlation with John gottman's three conflict management styles, which he suggests should ideally be matching to minimize issues)
Haha, I was worried you'd point that out. :wink: I agree that this factor may be more "true" for positive outlook triad, followed by competency, followed by reactive (with 6s being last in line.) It's true that most of the 6s I talk to think that dating other Reactive types would be a nightmare. I can't really talk as I am dating a 6 and obviously think it's the best pairing in the world. :wink: Because of this, I often think that sharing a line of integration/disintegration should perhaps be ahead of harmonic triad match in this list.
 

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Well, according to this study you are most likely to marry a 1 and least likely to marry a 3, 4, or 8.

Another book I own Understand Yourself, Understand Your Partner: The Essential Enneagram Guide to a Better Relationship states that 5's report struggling most with 1s, 2s, and 9s, and report being most compatible with other 5s and 9s (yes, the 9 is in both categories.)


Yet another book Are You My Type, Am I Yours? states that Female 5s tend to choose Male 5s most often; 6s and 9s quite often; 1s, 2s, 7s, and 8s less often; and 3s and 4s least often.
thank you for this! I can see why type 5's would end up together: common interests, respect for knowledge, etc.

I've never dated a 6 or 9 that I know of....I'll have to check them out.

thank you again for this informative thread and for responding to my question. You just rock! :)
 

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My question might be stupid but what about the instinctual variants? hehe I was careless and stupid x) It was answered...

But I do'nt really understand the concept of lovemaps...

Would a ISFJ (maybe even XSFJ) 952 Sp/Sx be a good match to a INTP 592 Sx/Sp? I don't really have a doubt but I want to see from the point of view of theories :)
 
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