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Fading away as a break-up method

846 Views 50 Replies 21 Participants Last post by  rosegeranium, 
D
Have you ever done this? How exactly did you go about it? Did it work as a way to avoid drama that would otherwise ensue?

If you could detail the way you faded out on the person successfully, that'd be great. Thanks..








EDIT --- Here's the situation:

Basically I'm fading away from a guy who I never got into an official relationship with. He never asked me to be his girl, and he just doesn't seem attached at all. It's a long distance thing, we live across the country, and have gone on vacations together 3 times, for weekends. Other than that, he barely texts, and we never talk on the phone or any of that.

Whenever we go on vacations, he flirts with every female with two legs, and is always bragging about how he gets hit on in his hometown. The only reason I've gone on more than 1 vacation with this dude is for the sake of going on vacation. I never took him seriously due to the aforementioned reasons.

But then a while back, I got into a serious relationship with someone in my hometown, and when I told this player dude (let's call him Matt), he went fucking bananas, accusing me of cheating (even though we were never even together...so wtf?) I got him to chill out and Matt and I were able to remain friends.

Then, I broke up with the hometown guy, and let Matt back in the picture again. But of course, I didn't take him seriously because he didn't seem to take me seriously, even after hashing out the supposed "misunderstandings". And now I've gotten into another serious relationship in my hometown, and Matt is bugging me to go on another vacation with him. So, I'm stalling and slowly ignoring him more and more.

I just don't want the drama of what happened last time. Matt could screw me over if he wanted to, due to circumstances I'd rather not get into. I'd rather just find a way for us to just drift apart.

(and no, calling it quits and then ignoring/blocking/getting a restraining order wouldn't prevent him from screwing me over)

The only way out of this BS unscathed is to just ease away from him until he forgets all about me.

I think I'm just going to lie and tell him I have family matters to attend to for some unspecified amount of time, and then just disappear for good.
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petite libellule
I think this method sucks. It's an easy out. If the person is crazy and you know it's going to be a headache - deal with it. It'll no doubt help you to NOT date someone prone to that behavior again. Be direct. "Fading Away" is flat out ... Weak.



someones reaction to you is not your problem. Hypothetically you are the problem in the scenario and don't know it - how that person reacts to you is still not your problem. Just say, "this isn't working for me". That's it. Let them vent. Say you're sorry they feel that way. That your intention isn't to hurt their feelings but to not waste any more of their time as you are not the person for them.

It will probably suck seeing their reaction. But unless you are afraid of who you are, their perception should only help to better you as a person after you move on. But please. Don't be a baby. Just be direct. The world reeks of passivity enough as it is.
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qingdom
Ningsta Kitty said:
I think this method sucks. It's an easy out. If the person is crazy and you know it's going to be a headache - deal with it. It'll no doubt help you to NOT date someone prone to that behavior again. Be direct. "Fading Away" is flat out ... Weak.
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Thank you for reminding INTP's with extremely low Fe that this method is "weak".... as if their self-esteem couldn't be any more bit lower.... and now tag on a guilty conscience along with it.... what's next? adding french fries on top of that injury? dammit... where's that tub of chocolate ice cream?
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petite libellule
qingdom said:
Thank you for reminding INTP's with extremely low Fe that this method is "weak".... as if their self-esteem couldn't be any more bit lower.... and now tag on a guilty conscience along with it.... what's next? adding french fries on top of that injury? dammit... where's that tub of chocolate ice cream?
Click to expand...

Lolol! I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not :p
But how is anyone's self esteem gonna improve if they don't give themselves a chance.
Im saying this relationship stuff is easy. But it's not that big of a deal either. It's all practice.
You won't grow strong if you never lift weights and your weights won't matter if they're not heavy.

p.s. screw the chocolate ice scream!
Fudgecicles are only 40 cals and taste just as delicious! :D

:p
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R
I've faded away on people because they did not respect the boundaries of our relationship and refused to do so time and again. It was actually very effective because this person was a chronic cheater and very controlling. When he saw me start to fade away it really scared him because he was able to process it more fully than if I just broke up with him. It was like he suddenly noticed,"Oh, crap, she's leaving me." I didn't want to "doorslam" him because, to be honest, it would have too hard for me.

I jsut slowly started withdrawing myself. It helped me detach and because I was detached, the person did not get the reaction they wanted from me(pain, jealousy). He saw me becoming a ghost that could no longer hear him.

With that being said, if a person is just lazy and bored , or wants to see other people, and they just fade away on you, that is definitely lame.
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petite libellule
@rosegeranium

So rather than just tell the person it wasn't working and move on with your life, (and THEN ignore any attempts of disrespecting your boundaries), you just let them squirm? like, some sort of revenge or something because they weren't being good to you while you tolerated it? I mean, if someone doesn't respect your boundaries, you don't continue to be friends with them.

I must admit, I find it kind of mean how people are so open ended. I feel as if people deserve to be treated with respect (even shitty people). To slowly fade away is to not respect their person (imo). It just sounds so cruel to me. I just don't understand why slowly fading away is something that should be encouraged. I don't know ... I totally can empathize having someone disrespect your boundaries. I guess I never "let them figure it out" on their own as I played mind games ... That is how the slowly fading away thing appears to me.

Mind Games. (not the fun kind). Which kinda sucks. :/

I'm sorry. I don't want to put you specifically on the spot, rather, just putting the common concept and its social acceptance. I'm putting THAT on the spot.
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Jennywocky
Well, I'm pragmatic in that, if the other person has shown a pattern of behavior that would make it risky or unproductive to handle things more directly, then a fade might be appropriate.

However, I think for situations where you just want out, or are interested in someone else, etc., it's good not just for them but for you to have the talk, get the closure, and move forward rather than just "disappearing." You'd hate it if someone did it to you; don't do it to others. Fading might easy, but easy isn't always the best way to handle something nor do you build the skills necessary to be more direct in the future.

PS. Fudgesicles?? Orange blossom for me please!
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P
People make themselves most emotionally vulnerable in romantic relationships, so missteps have the potential to really traumatize them. Because of this, I think that they should be navigated with respect and caution.

Put yourself in their shoes. You think you're in at least decent standing with the person who you're in love with, and here they start acting super odd and distant. You ask whats going on and they brush it off, but you feel somethings up and you can't shake it. It causes anxiety, and destabilizes them. It can affect other areas of their life while its going on, and then when its all said and done, they walk away with trust issues from dealing with someone who screwed with their head this way.

If you need space temporarily, thats a whole different thing - and fine. But if you have actually decided its over, don't string them along and make them wonder what the heck is even going on. Don't underestimate the amount of anguish felt by someone who is put in that position.
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petite libellule
Jennywocky said:
Well, I'm pragmatic in that, if the other person has shown a pattern of behavior that would make it risky or unproductive to handle things more directly, then a fade might be appropriate.
Click to expand...
Awwww man! I think maybe I'M the big meanie! :confused:

Screw that fading away bullshit. I just slice that person out of my life. Like amutating a leg (hack it off) cutting off a gross mole, nasty skin tag, cutting my nails, chopping my hair, burning all my linens from lice.

Fading away is like equivalent to a NO SHOW.
I'm sorry but I for whatever the reasons find that it is kinder to just be direct. Whether it's harsh or not.
It's the kind thing to do. So they know (maybe not right away) that they were bad. How does anyone know they effed up if people pretend like everything is all good and then slip away slowly ???

I don't know ... I would NEVER be a NO SHOW type of quitter for a bad job.

I'm more direct so if in the event it was someone (like is being discussed) "difficult",
I still vote for the kinder more direct approach to quite ...

 

Also known as ... THE DOOR SLAM.

(which might I add...gets a bad wrap. where imo. the fading away should get the bad wrap.) :p
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DAPHNE XO
Promethea said:
Put yourself in their shoes. You think you're in at least decent standing with the person who you're in love with, and here they start acting super odd and distant. You ask whats going on and they brush it off, but you feel somethings up and you can't shake it. It causes anxiety, and destabilizes them. It can affect other areas of their life while its going on, and then when its all said and done, they walk away with trust issues from dealing with someone who screwed with their head this way.

If you need space temporarily, thats a whole different thing - and fine. But if you have actually decided its over, don't string them along and make them wonder what the heck is even going on. Don't underestimate the amount of anguish felt by someone who is put in that position.
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Precisely that.

Before you just fade away you need to really think about the potential consequences of your actions OP; what if this person starts to develop a fear of trusting people because you were essentially to lazy to treat them with respect?

Even if there would be "drama" at least write them a letter or something. Fading away is probably the worst way to handle things. Just say something, anything, for the other person's peace of mind.

I also agree fading away temporarily to think about things is fine. Everyone needs space to reevaluate.
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qingdom
Ningsta Kitty said:
Lolol! I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not :p
But how is anyone's self esteem gonna improve if they don't give themselves a chance.
Im saying this relationship stuff is easy. But it's not that big of a deal either. It's all practice.
You won't grow strong if you never lift weights and your weights won't matter if they're not heavy.

p.s. screw the chocolate ice scream!
Fudgecicles are only 40 cals and taste just as delicious! :D

:p
Click to expand...

It was a mixture of sarcasm, but not 100% untrue.

Consider, most INTP's live inside their heads most of the time. Some of them will not be open to what's wrong or what's bothering them in their head unless asked. And even when asked, they may not state what's going on in his/her head at that time.

Some introverts consider not speaking out due to inconveniencing the current atmosphere or situation. If other person is happy, introvert would like to sit behind and savor in the moment of shared observed happiness. Bring up the sadness, then the uncertainty of the happy person would throw the introvert into a mental analysis hell. Will they get upset? Will they cry? Will they get defensive? etc.

As such, the introvert would slowly crawl back into his/her shell, behind locked door, in the corner room, underneath a bedsheet, eyes shut.

Although you may ask how his/her self esteem is going to improve, but if the introvert doesn't have that much of confidence to supplement the self esteem to begin with, he/she will be lost in his/her mind 'thinking' it's best to fade away and cut ties with person (friends and SO alike) because it's how they FEEL for themselves that it is the correct decision to make and right choice to to do.

In the case of INTP, heavy Ti, low Fe. He/she is lost in his/her imagination this is the proper course of action for both parties and unsaid / untold / unexplained outspoken reasoning becomes lost, albeit existent in full inside his/her head. Short term, it'll hurt opposing party. Long term, in the delusion of the INTP, the opposing party is best left to move on and find other means of happiness.

This is of course, one of many scenarios.

In the presence of a mad batshit crazy controlling dominating partner, if the INTP wants out... well... yea.. of course they're gonna shy away and keep quiet. He/she wouldn't be singled out from any other person for those depicted reasons.
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Jennywocky
Ningsta Kitty said:
Awwww man! I think maybe I'M the big meanie! :confused:

Screw that fading away bullshit. I just slice that person out of my life. Like amutating a leg (hack it off) cutting off a gross mole, nasty skin tag, cutting my nails, chopping my hair, burning all my linens from lice.
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I know, sweetie. You are a freaking barbarian mistress of the blade!




Fading away is like equivalent to a NO SHOW.
I'm sorry but I for whatever the reasons find that it is kinder to just be direct. Whether it's harsh or not.
It's the kind thing to do. So they know (maybe not right away) that they were bad. How does anyone know they effed up if people pretend like everything is all good and then slip away slowly ???
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Are you just selectively reading my post?

I was pretty clear what I meant, and whatever you are talking about is not what I was referring to.

I mean, if someone is actually dangerous and/or there is no way you can get rid of them through the preferred means, then as your last resort do what you need to do. I specifically did say that in the majority of situations, you need to face them directly and end it as the preferred method. I'm on board with what Promethea said as well. You shouldn't fuck with people's heads and make them pay the cost for your decision.

IN OTHER WORDS, I am not a proponent of the "fade away" as a typical method of ending a relationship.
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P
JungleDisco said:
Precisely that.

Before you just fade away you need to really think about the potential consequences of your actions what if this person starts to develop a fear of trusting people because you were essentially to lazy to treat them with respect?

Even if there would be "drama" at least write them a letter or something. Fading away is probably the worst way to handle things. Just say something, anything, for the other person's peace of mind.
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Yeah, I think unless someone really majorly wronged me by cheating on me or something horrific, I would give them enough respect to just deal with the drama. If they fucked up that terribad they know my ass is going to leave soon anyway..

But assuming its just "I'm not in love anymore/I'm not happy" I'd let them scream, cry, get it all out, and I'd tell them the truth, and hear them out, etc. Its messy as fuck but just slinking away like a coward doesn't give them closure.. and I mean hell, this is a person you once cared about enough to give them your heart. Its so sad to me, when I see someone just get off the infatuation ride and become completely callous to a person who was deeply emotionally invested.

Its hard to put things into perspective and move on, when you never get those answers.
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R
Ningsta Kitty said:
@rosegeranium

So rather than just tell the person it wasn't working and move on with your life, (and THEN ignore any attempts of disrespecting your boundaries), you just let them squirm? like, some sort of revenge or something because they weren't being good to you while you tolerated it? I mean, if someone doesn't respect your boundaries, you don't continue to be friends with them.

I must admit, I find it kind of mean how people are so open ended. I feel as if people deserve to be treated with respect (even shitty people). To slowly fade away is to not respect their person (imo). It just sounds so cruel to me. I just don't understand why slowly fading away is something that should be encouraged. I don't know ... I totally can empathize having someone disrespect your boundaries. I guess I never "let them figure it out" on their own as I played mind games ... That is how the slowly fading away thing appears to me.

Mind Games. (not the fun kind). Which kinda sucks. :/

I'm sorry. I don't want to put you specifically on the spot, rather, just putting the common concept and its social acceptance. I'm putting THAT on the spot.
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Nope, in my case I told the person several times that I did not appreciate them cheating on me and disrespecting my boundaries(no one should have to, though. It's pretty obvious that most people will find such behavior offensive). Nothing I said made any difference and often I was called the bad person for stating my feelings and beliefs("You make me cheat" or "I can do what I want!". So I turned it around on them and faded away.

I found it humorous that the minute I started going about my business the person in question got butthurt. But when I actively tried to make my opinions known, my feelings known, they were ignored or run roughshod over. I don't think it was mean of me to fade away because the person was cruel and did not respect my person. I simply withdrew. Since the think so highly of themselves, I don't see why it matters if I disrespect their person by *gasp* fading away. It's almost like,"HOW DARE YOU fade away on ME! No, you will speak face to face with me so I can call you names and be mean to you and not let you get a word in."

I didn't even see it as mind games. I probably was playing mind games, though. Then again, he played them with me. In my case I simply started removing myself, I wasn't "aggressive" in the way my ex was.

I know you weren't putting me on the spot, thank you for making it clear though.
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D
I've done this type of break-up method before. Once in high school, she took it pretty well and started dating someone not too long after. I was very relieved to not have the done the drama thing. And I had it happen to me a couple of years ago but I like to think I'm pretty sharp when it comes to noticing adjustments in attitude. So I packed up and left but the drama was that I took it well and thus, was being disrespectful for not getting upset about the situation.
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DAPHNE XO
Promethea said:
Yeah, I think unless someone really majorly wronged me by cheating or me or something horrific, I would give them enough respect to just deal with the drama. If they fucked up that terribad they know my ass is going to leave soon anyway..

But assuming its just "I'm not in love anymore/I'm not happy" I'd let them scream, cry, get it all out, and I'd tell them the truth, and hear them out, etc. Its messy as fuck but just slinking away like a coward doesn't give them closure.. and I mean hell, this is a person you once cared about enough to give them your heart. Its so sad to me, when I see someone just get off the infatuation ride and become completely callous to a person who was deeply emotionally invested.

Its hard to put things into perspective and move on, when you never get those answers.
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Exactly, if you want the other person to move on, give them some closure. Nothing can spur on drama for longer by avoiding them.

I think for the sake of anyone in the position of giving the reason though you need to protect yourself from potential hiccups where the person refuses to accept it's over.

I usually use a three strike rule, "I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you three times and dealt with your drama. Now I will ignore you till I die because it's you that's harassing me and you that's being disrespectful."

I guess ultimately it's best to just treat this person with respect until they start being disrespectful, then you owe them nothing.
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R
qingdom said:
Thank you for reminding INTP's with extremely low Fe that this method is "weak".... as if their self-esteem couldn't be any more bit lower.... and now tag on a guilty conscience along with it.... what's next? adding french fries on top of that injury? dammit... where's that tub of chocolate ice cream?
Click to expand...
Pfft...INTPs fade away on us anyway! Minute they find something that interests them they be gone. I don't take it personally if an INTP fades away in any respect, unless I know they're upset at me.
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petite libellule
Jennywocky said:
I know, sweetie. You are a freaking barbarian mistress of the blade!

Well . at least my butt looks good. But the blue face paint ? omg.
If EVER I become a face painter you have GOT to slap me upside the head!!!
-_- I'll pay you to.

Are you just selectively reading my post?

No, I don't think so. I'm not upset with you or anything. I just disagree. I actually feel passionately I think because (just as promethia described) I FEEL how that must hurt. That has just GOTTA hurt. And to be honest, I guess I'm hypersensitive to it because I have experience with it. I have faded away with a very toxic person I was involved with about 4 yrs ago and I knew how cruel I was being. I just don't think maybe other people realize it. But I KNEW I was being cruel. That person hurt me so much, that I knew it would have been better to door slam. But instead, I pulled away slowly, and watched as they squirmed and struggled and stopped the bad behavior because they were scared of losing me, and they squirmed and it was cruel. I'll never do it again. It was cold. And I don't regret it but I am ashamed of it. I knew that the relationship was dead. It was over. And yet ... I brutally watched (and felt) his pain as I slowly .. faded .. away.

I suppose I feel passionately about being anti-fade away because people tend to do it when a relationship is bad and the other person is so difficult that a door slam is in order. Interestingly enough, the door slam method gets tarred and feathered. INFJ's are notorious for them and we get lynch mob threads ranting about them. But (in a way. to me at least in my INFJ brain. I have door slammed because my heart felt for the other party and I knew that to "fade away" would be to be toying with someone cruelly). I've only opted out on the door slam method once. And it breaks my heart I was so cruel. Even if that person deserved it :p
Click to expand...


There is just no way I could see you advocating fading away (or doing anything that would hurt a person intentionally for that matter) unless it was literally a danger situation where it would be dangerous to the person if they chose to do otherwise.
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qingdom
rosegeranium said:
Pfft...INTPs fade away on us anyway! Minute they find something that interests them they be gone. I don't take it personally if an INTP fades away in any respect, unless I know they're upset at me.
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Let's play a game of hide and seek, okay? Let me know and I'll be ready.
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petite libellule
Well what are we talking about here in this thread anyways ??

I mean .. I'm thinking serious relationships because to be honest,
I haven't many relationships anyways. :tongue:


Fading away for someone you aren't dating and haven't been all lovey dovey ?
I'm not even sure that would be considered "fading away"
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