[rosegeranium]

I've faded away on people because they did not respect the boundaries of our relationship and refused to do so time and again. It was actually very effective because this person was a chronic cheater and very controlling. When he saw me start to fade away it really scared him because he was able to process it more fully than if I just broke up with him. It was like he suddenly noticed,"Oh, crap, she's leaving me." I didn't want to "doorslam" him because, to be honest, it would have too hard for me.

I jsut slowly started withdrawing myself. It helped me detach and because I was detached, the person did not get the reaction they wanted from me(pain, jealousy). He saw me becoming a ghost that could no longer hear him.

With that being said, if a person is just lazy and bored , or wants to see other people, and they just fade away on you, that is definitely lame.

 

[rosegeranium]

@rosegeranium

So rather than just tell the person it wasn't working and move on with your life, (and THEN ignore any attempts of disrespecting your boundaries), you just let them squirm? like, some sort of revenge or something because they weren't being good to you while you tolerated it? I mean, if someone doesn't respect your boundaries, you don't continue to be friends with them.

I must admit, I find it kind of mean how people are so open ended. I feel as if people deserve to be treated with respect (even shitty people). To slowly fade away is to not respect their person (imo). It just sounds so cruel to me. I just don't understand why slowly fading away is something that should be encouraged. I don't know ... I totally can empathize having someone disrespect your boundaries. I guess I never "let them figure it out" on their own as I played mind games ... That is how the slowly fading away thing appears to me.

Mind Games. (not the fun kind). Which kinda sucks. :/

I'm sorry. I don't want to put you specifically on the spot, rather, just putting the common concept and its social acceptance. I'm putting THAT on the spot.

Nope, in my case I told the person several times that I did not appreciate them cheating on me and disrespecting my boundaries(no one should have to, though. It's pretty obvious that most people will find such behavior offensive). Nothing I said made any difference and often I was called the bad person for stating my feelings and beliefs("You make me cheat" or "I can do what I want!". So I turned it around on them and faded away.

I found it humorous that the minute I started going about my business the person in question got butthurt. But when I actively tried to make my opinions known, my feelings known, they were ignored or run roughshod over. I don't think it was mean of me to fade away because the person was cruel and did not respect my person. I simply withdrew. Since the think so highly of themselves, I don't see why it matters if I disrespect their person by *gasp* fading away. It's almost like,"HOW DARE YOU fade away on ME! No, you will speak face to face with me so I can call you names and be mean to you and not let you get a word in."

I didn't even see it as mind games. I probably was playing mind games, though. Then again, he played them with me. In my case I simply started removing myself, I wasn't "aggressive" in the way my ex was.

I know you weren't putting me on the spot, thank you for making it clear though.

 

[rosegeranium]

Thank you for reminding INTP's with extremely low Fe that this method is "weak".... as if their self-esteem couldn't be any more bit lower.... and now tag on a guilty conscience along with it.... what's next? adding french fries on top of that injury? dammit... where's that tub of chocolate ice cream?

Pfft...INTPs fade away on us anyway! Minute they find something that interests them they be gone. I don't take it personally if an INTP fades away in any respect, unless I know they're upset at me.

 

[rosegeranium]

i've never done it because i have never dated anyone who i respected so little as to not just attempt to tell them what's going on verbally.

Men i have dated have tried to do this with me, but being hyper aware of relationships as i am, i always catch on right away. As soon as his texts or email start to get short and further apart...i know what's up and confront him like he didn't have the guts to do to me and i'll always get some nervous excuse about it "not working out" only to find out he has been screwing some other girl who more convenient for him or something. It always makes me feel like i dodged a bullet because i'd never date a fade out guy knowing he was that guy.

you go girl! Use that woman-sense!

 

[rosegeranium]

I think that there are three different basic mindsets of people that do the fade out thing...

1) Immature and sadistic. Fading away is typically a sign of cowardice and also a great way to knife someone in the heart because they can't answer back, they can't confront you.

2)Fear of drama. The fade-out person assumes that you will act like a nutcase if they break up with you upfront. However, that is often used as an excuse and is a very unkind way of silencing a person. For example...The fade out person is flirting and being inconsiderate in the relationship, the fadee has legitatimate concerns, but the fadeout person uses the excuse "she/he's just crazy, she/he's being dramatic, I'll fade out" so they don't have to deal with the stab to their pride.

At other times, people really do demonstrate that they are totally nuts and may even threaten to harm you, so fading out in that instance is legit.

3)Hurt and feeling unheard. No matter what you say the other person continues to hurt you and even attacks your concerns, blaming you for them, belittling you. So you fade out, perhaps because you are still too attached to leave right away, and/or to get the message across, "See? I'm not hearing you. I'm getting ready to leave. I'm becoming a ghost now."

 

[rosegeranium]

Originally Posted by rosegeranium
Pfft...INTPs fade away on us anyway! Minute they find something that interests them they be gone. I don't take it personally if an INTP fades away in any respect, unless I know they're upset at me.

Maybe in general, but not in a relationship.
INTPs shouldn't be coddled, they probably need even more interaction to understand the full ramifications of such behavior.

Yeah I'm sure you're right, I was just making a joke because the ones I've known will get really absorbed in whatever it is they are interested in and "fade away". I like it, I think it's funny. From what I've noticed they tend to be very loyal, well rounded partners.

 

[rosegeranium]

Yeah, I kind of agree that each situation is gonna be insanely different. And for the most part, I agree w/ the last post. I think each pair of people is going to be a situation in and of itself. As well as the motives/intent of both parties. Generally speaking, it's not a very cool thing but over all, I think If I've learned anything from the one brutal relationship I've had, relationship is easy peasy when you don't emotionally depend(expect) on other people for your happiness in any way. They can only increase what you create for yourself. Or at least, that is what is working for me now. :tongue:

Common decency aside, I think it is unhealthy to be emotionally dependent on anyone. However, I would wait and see if anyone that claims that they "hate emotional dependency/neediness" behaves in that very way with someone that meets their ideal. Like my friend's ex acted as if she was this blood sucking leech because she would get upset if he flirted or didn't call her when he said he would. But when he found a girl that met his ideal and she spurned him, he became this snivelling, codependent little bitch. So I would say that people that say they hate emotional dependency better be able to back it up on their own end! (they often can't!)

Also, sometimes people won't let you end things with them. Some people are such sadists that when you tell them that you want to break up they beg you to stay just so they can continue to have power over you. So you are forced to eithe a) stay or b) break up. Or, some people's pride will not let you break things off with them cleanly. For example, I would not expect anyone to break up face to face with someone that will verbally assault them and belittle them, even if they are not in the wrong for wanting to break up. Sometimes fading away is the only thing you can do. But usually, I think it is very mean and I wouldn't do it.

 

[rosegeranium]

Basically I'm fading away from a guy who I never got into an official relationship with. He never asked me to be his girl, and he just doesn't seem attached at all. It's a long distance thing, we live across the country, and have gone on vacations together 3 times, for weekends. Other than that, he barely texts, and we never talk on the phone or any of that.

Whenever we go on vacations, he flirts with every female with two legs, and is always bragging about how he gets hit on in his hometown. The only reason I've gone on more than 1 vacation with this dude is for the sake of going on vacation. I never took him seriously due to the aforementioned reasons.

But then a while back, I got into a serious relationship with someone in my hometown, and when I told this player dude (let's call him Matt), he went fucking bananas, accusing me of cheating (even though we were never even together...so wtf?) I got him to chill out and Matt and I were able to remain friends.

Then, I broke up with the hometown guy, and let Matt back in the picture again. But of course, I didn't take him seriously because he didn't seem to take me seriously, even after hashing out the supposed "misunderstandings". And now I've gotten into another serious relationship in my hometown, and Matt is bugging me to go on another vacation with him. So, I'm stalling and slowly ignoring him more and more.

I just don't want the drama of what happened last time. Matt could screw me over if he wanted to, due to circumstances I'd rather not get into. I'd rather just find a way for us to just drift apart.

(and no, calling it quits and then ignoring/blocking/getting a restraining order wouldn't prevent him from screwing me over)

The only way out of this BS unscathed is to just ease away from him until he forgets all about me.

I think I'm just going to lie and tell him I have family matters to attend to for some unspecified amount of time, and then just disappear for good.

Ummm, I think in that case you should totally fade away on his ass. He is being a little bitch. Sorry if I offend anyone. Fade like mist, lol!

 

[rosegeranium]

Exactly. I don't think the fade away method is wrong in my situation.

Based on what you've said, in this rare case you should definitely fade out. First of all, he seems unstable and you are concerned that he would cause problems for you. Also, from the very beginning he was disrespectful and took you for granted. I think you should mention to him that you have issues you have to deal with and just retreat. It sounds like this person is not worth the trouble, I doubt there will be any heartbreak on his end.
@thismustbetheplace Haha, I was only joking. If you read my other posts I was referring to some INTPs tendency to get really absorbed in whatever interests them at the moment. I also stated that from what I have seen they are very loyal and devoted partners.