Fading away as a break-up method

Das Brechen said:

I've done this type of break-up method before. Once in high school, she took it pretty well and started dating someone not too long after. I was very relieved to not have the done the drama thing. And I had it happen to me a couple of years ago but I like to think I'm pretty sharp when it comes to noticing adjustments in attitude. So I packed up and left but the drama was that I took it well and thus, was being disrespectful for not getting upset about the situation.

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Ningsta Kitty said:

Okay. Now this post makes me feel silly! lol!!!

a couple of years out of highschool ?? What did you pack up? Your lunchable?

Haha! I'm sorry! Don't worry dude ...
fading away with a "relationship" in highschool is sort of a different picture.

But so you know. There doesn't have to be drama when people break up. If someone broke up with me now, I'd say okay. And move on gracefully. Because frankly, why the hell would I want someone who doesn't want me? ... breaking up does not always equal drama. (bad)drama happens when you date (bad)dramatic people,


I always forget how wide of an age range we have here! :tongue:

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Das Brechen said:

You laughing made me laugh out loud. So thanks for that. But yeah, of course the dynamics of a relationship in high school is different than one as an adult. I did date some a bit dramatic. I just found it funny that she was slowly breaking up with me and got mad because I was okay with it. But that was 2 years ago, I'm 26. I don't know how old you are, I think it's bad manners to ask. :laughing:

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Das Brechen said:

Lunchables almost sounds condescending but it's all good.

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Ningsta Kitty said:

No, I don't think so. I'm not upset with you or anything. I just disagree. I actually feel passionately I think because (just as promethia described) I FEEL how that must hurt. That has just GOTTA hurt. And to be honest, I guess I'm hypersensitive to it because I have experience with it. I have faded away with a very toxic person I was involved with about 4 yrs ago and I knew how cruel I was being. I just don't think maybe other people realize it. But I KNEW I was being cruel. That person hurt me so much, that I knew it would have been better to door slam. But instead, I pulled away slowly, and watched as they squirmed and struggled and stopped the bad behavior because they were scared of losing me, and they squirmed and it was cruel. I'll never do it again. It was cold. And I don't regret it but I am ashamed of it. I knew that the relationship was dead. It was over. And yet ... I brutally watched (and felt) his pain as I slowly .. faded .. away.

I suppose I feel passionately about being anti-fade away because people tend to do it when a relationship is bad and the other person is so difficult that a door slam is in order. Interestingly enough, the door slam method gets tarred and feathered. INFJ's are notorious for them and we get lynch mob threads ranting about them. But (in a way. to me at least in my INFJ brain. I have door slammed because my heart felt for the other party and I knew that to "fade away" would be to be toying with someone cruelly). I've only opted out on the door slam method once. And it breaks my heart I was so cruel. Even if that person deserved it .

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rosegeranium said:

Pfft...INTPs fade away on us anyway! Minute they find something that interests them they be gone. I don't take it personally if an INTP fades away in any respect, unless I know they're upset at me.

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loveashley said:

i've never done it because i have never dated anyone who i respected so little as to not just attempt to tell them what's going on verbally.

Men i have dated have tried to do this with me, but being hyper aware of relationships as i am, i always catch on right away. As soon as his texts or email start to get short and further apart...i know what's up and confront him like he didn't have the guts to do to me and i'll always get some nervous excuse about it "not working out" only to find out he has been screwing some other girl who more convenient for him or something. It always makes me feel like i dodged a bullet because i'd never date a fade out guy knowing he was that guy.

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Jennywocky said:

I'm not sure what you 'disagree' with, because I don't see where we disagree.

What you have described is why I don't think it's a good strategy. I am against choices people make just to preserve their own comfort or emotional ease, especially if they are the one making the decisions to end something. For myself, I have suffered horribly in the ending of my marriage and other relationships, but I never chose to make the other person bear the cost for my discomfort. I saw that as cowardly and unfair. I probably in fact took more of the burden of suffering on myself than I needed to.

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LoveAshley said:

I've never done it because I have never dated anyone who I respected so little as to not just attempt to tell them what's going on verbally.

Men I have dated have tried to do this with me, but being hyper aware of relationships as I am, I always catch on right away. As soon as his texts or email start to get short and further apart...I know what's up and confront him like he didn't have the guts to do to me and I'll always get some nervous excuse about it "not working out" only to find out he has been screwing some other girl who more convenient for him or something. It always makes me feel like I dodged a bullet because I'd never date a fade out guy knowing he was that guy.

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Jennywocky said:

Originally Posted by rosegeranium
Pfft...INTPs fade away on us anyway! Minute they find something that interests them they be gone. I don't take it personally if an INTP fades away in any respect, unless I know they're upset at me.

Maybe in general, but not in a relationship.
INTPs shouldn't be coddled, they probably need even more interaction to understand the full ramifications of such behavior.

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Promethea said:

People make themselves most emotionally vulnerable in romantic relationships, so missteps have the potential to really traumatize them. Because of this, I think that they should be navigated with respect and caution.

Put yourself in their shoes. You think you're in at least decent standing with the person who you're in love with, and here they start acting super odd and distant. You ask whats going on and they brush it off, but you feel somethings up and you can't shake it. It causes anxiety, and destabilizes them. It can affect other areas of their life while its going on, and then when its all said and done, they walk away with trust issues from dealing with someone who screwed with their head this way.

If you need space temporarily, thats a whole different thing - and fine. But if you have actually decided its over, don't string them along and make them wonder what the heck is even going on. Don't underestimate the amount of anguish felt by someone who is put in that position.

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rosegeranium said:

Yeah I'm sure you're right, I was just making a joke because the ones I've known will get really absorbed in whatever it is they are interested in and "fade away". I like it, I think it's funny. From what I've noticed they tend to be very loyal, well rounded partners.

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dagnytaggart said:

Basically I'm fading away from a guy who I never got into an official relationship with. He never asked me to be his girl, and he just doesn't seem attached at all. It's a long distance thing, we live across the country, and have gone on vacations together 3 times, for weekends. Other than that, he barely texts, and we never talk on the phone or any of that.

Whenever we go on vacations, he flirts with every female with two legs, and is always bragging about how he gets hit on in his hometown. The only reason I've gone on more than 1 vacation with this dude is for the sake of going on vacation. I never took him seriously due to the aforementioned reasons.

But then a while back, I got into a serious relationship with someone in my hometown, and when I told this player dude (let's call him Matt), he went fucking bananas, accusing me of cheating (even though we were never even together...so wtf?) I got him to chill out and Matt and I were able to remain friends.

Then, I broke up with the hometown guy, and let Matt back in the picture again. But of course, I didn't take him seriously because he didn't seem to take me seriously, even after hashing out the supposed "misunderstandings". And now I've gotten into another serious relationship in my hometown, and Matt is bugging me to go on another vacation with him. So, I'm stalling and slowly ignoring him more and more.

I just don't want the drama of what happened last time. Matt could screw me over if he wanted to, due to circumstances I'd rather not get into. I'd rather just find a way for us to just drift apart.

(and no, calling it quits and then ignoring/blocking/getting a restraining order wouldn't prevent him from screwing me over)

The only way out of this BS unscathed is to just ease away from him until he forgets all about me.

I think I'm just going to lie and tell him I have family matters to attend to for some unspecified amount of time, and then just disappear for good.

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rosegeranium said:

Common decency aside, I think it is unhealthy to be emotionally dependent on anyone. However, I would wait and see if anyone that claims that they "hate emotional dependency/neediness" behaves in that very way with someone that meets their ideal. Like my friend's ex acted as if she was this blood sucking leech because she would get upset if he flirted or didn't call her when he said he would. But when he found a girl that met his ideal and she spurned him, he became this snivelling, codependent little bitch. So I would say that people that say they hate emotional dependency better be able to back it up on their own end! (they often can't!)

Also, sometimes people won't let you end things with them. Some people are such sadists that when you tell them that you want to break up they beg you to stay just so they can continue to have power over you. So you are forced to eithe a) stay or b) break up. Or, some people's pride will not let you break things off with them cleanly. For example, I would not expect anyone to break up face to face with someone that will verbally assault them and belittle them, even if they are not in the wrong for wanting to break up. Sometimes fading away is the only thing you can do. But usually, I think it is very mean and I wouldn't do it.

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