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More than a year ago I posted a thread about my mom not approving my new relationship with a non-white boyfriend.

Now, more than a year later, things haven't changed much. A lot of people advised my mom and my boyfriend to spend more time together to "get to know each other". And maybe she will "warm toward him" with time. However, none of these things have helped. My boyfriend spent about five days at my house for the holidays and even he felt an open dislike from my mom. That is, she would not say a word to him when she saw him in the house until dinner or lunchtime when he forced the conversation. Or, when she was describing one of the foods she made. Otherwise, not a single word toward my boyfriend. Which ended up making my BF scared to talk to her. And, to make matters worse, he saw that she is very warm and friendly with our neighbors, which clerly showed that her coldness and distance towards him (and even me, because of his presence) is not just her personality. :sad:

Now I have told her how good I feel with my boyfriend and how he inspires me to be a better person, etc. However, she thinks that my somewhat luckluster performance in my graduate program this year has been because of him. Granted, it might have been so for about a month at the start of graduate school (because I just get really distracted when I'm starting to date someone, such has been my personality all my life! -_-) which messed up my grades in the beginning. My BF has been nothing but supportive though so if anything it's my own lack of focus rather than any "bad" influence from my BF that has caused my weak performance. He's really helping me turn things around now.

My mom and another member of my family would like to see nothing other than me breaking up with him ASAP. They have problems with his (1) appearance (not "athletic" enough, not refined enough of a face), (2) his allergies (no one in my family has allergies), (3) his lack of family togetherness (is that a thing?), (4) personality not "interesting" enough, and (5) how apparently he makes me feel insecure about some of my hobbies. I'm not really sure the last thing is due to him, though. If anything, a previous guy I dated (who I was FWB with) brought my self-esteem down a lot and made me question a lot of my hobbies and even self-worth. If anything, meeting my current BF brought me out of the dark hole created by the FWB guy and showed me my true worth.

My BF thinks my family's opposition is all about race. I think it's partly true, but I also think those factors I mentioned (not race-related) are a big "red flag" in my mom's mind. >.< (1)-(4) is something I cannot control, while (5) I have consistently become better at in the past 6 months. I feel more confident in myself as a person (outside of work, which my mom thinks defines your worth), I feel more beautiful (I have started taking care of my skin and nutrition more, am in the best shape of my life), I feel happier than I have in the past 6 years.

I have told my mom bits and pieces of the above, but she just dismisses it as teenage rebellion. (I'm not a teenager...I'm in the 24th year of my life). She thinks I'm only dating my BF to do the opposite of what she wants me to do (=find a nice rich white guy to date, that also has an amazing body and a charismatic personality and stellar intelligence = basically a unicorn). She wants me to dump him ASAP and stop being "unavailable" so (white) guys start being interested in me. She is very traditional and thinks that if I continue to be with my BF, we'll end up getting married, which is terrible. I'm a bit of a free spirit type and there are a million things I want to do before getting married and having kids. I don't see myself settling down anytime soon even if I'm in an LDR. But my mom has already mentioned that "time is running out" while I'm "trapping myself" in this relationship. The fact I'm actually in a better place than I've ever been in my adult life doesn't seem to matter.

Now I admit we've had rough patches with my BF, and it's not all rainbows and butterflies all the time. But we have excellent communication and my boyfriend doesn't take any shit from me and makes me a better person in ways no guy ever dared. I'm a very strong personality and I hate dating someone who's too "weak" to stand up to my shit. My BF is someone who knows all my flaws and encourages me to be a better person in a way that makes me feel feminine and cherished as a woman in a company of a strong man. (I know what it's like to date someone who's so head-over-heels for me that he will tolerate being a doormat for me all the time, and that just turns me off so much. So I know what I want in a relationship... :wink: )

Sorry for the long post. I just want to know if anyone has been in a similar struggle, or if anyone has any advice on dealing with disapproving parents.

tldr;
mom thinks I'm only with my BF because I want to make a statement, simply don't know what I want, or because I am afraid of being single. At this point we'll just stick it out and give it more time, but I don't know how t deal with a "talk" about me needing to dump my boyfriend nearly everyday when I'm away for the holidays...
 

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I'm not sure if this will be helpful but with similar experiences trying to talk to my family about things they disapprove of and have them understand seems futile. Just tell her she's going to have to deal with it, it's her problem at this point. Honestly, if you can, I'd see if it's possible to keep the two worlds apart.

Your mom might be looking out for you, might have your best interest at heart, only wants the best for you and is not necessarily a toxic and terrible person but she has to step back. And if she doesn't that's why I suggested trying to keep your relationship and your family separate. That might not be what you want to do and it might be hard to do but I can't see any other way if your mom/family just won't understand.
 

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Do not listen to your mom.

Clearly you and her have very different views, that's fine. People not getting along is normal. Don't let your mom dictate your life, you are 24. Don't argue with your mom as it will only lead to her being able to knock down your spirit. If she says anything about your BF -> say she's wrong or "OK." and nothing else. You can also try ONLY talk about your BF and "how amazing it was when...", "how it feels when he...", "I'm so in love that I...", "he has [skillset], [skillset] and does [skillset]" etc.

Basically avoid the topic "the non-white BF" or take control of the topic and ONLY talk how [amazing] everything is with "the handsome [non-white] amazing BF grrr ;) ". Add the "dreamy/horndog eyes" if you can.
 

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not appeciated. not what i was looking for :/
My cousin is pursuing a deeper relationship with an introverted type of girl. He used to have a previous girlfriend that was very gregarious and she would talk to all of the family members. We basically knew who she was. Then they broke up for reasons unknown to me and now he has this girlfriend. My Aunt and Uncle always talk bad about her behind their backs. They all complain about how she isn't as interactive to the family compared to his previous girlfriend. I find their opinions off-putting and stifling. But on the other hand if you are going to marry someone, they should really become part of the family. It's not just about the partner. Unless it is some kind of Romeo and Juliet thing. I have definitely heard of people abandon their families before for various reasons.

This Christmas my mom went to my stepfather' aunt's house. So his mother's side of the family was hosting the dinner, but he did not come himself because he was working. My mom was able to hold conversation with a couple of family members, but she felt very alienated because quite a few of them didn't talk to her at all who she knows. It must be kind of weird to think about your family member's spouse being in your household without your family member. It represents a certain level of distance between the family and the spouse and in some respects shouldn't ideally be there.

You can contrast those situations with my biological father. After the divorce, he would always pick me and my brother up from my aunt's house to go back to his house. He would sit down have coffee and talk to my aunt and uncle casually. So they aren't bonded by the fact that he married a family member. In a sense he is a sort of "family friend." He is still our father, nothing changes that. So my mom's side of the family isn't exclusionary to him at all.

There's something to be said for that. There have been a few people who kind of partnered with a family member. But they could have come and got replaced and I wouldn't care because I never knew that person personally. Sometimes when we go to a family outing and see that someone has a new boyfriend or girlfriend, we just kind of look at them in a weird way. A kind of alienating way too. They just come and go, and they never become a part of the family.

I do think the family thing is very important. You have a right to be whatever distance or closeness to your family that you want. But there's a lot less alienation if that other partner gets to know the family. If your boyfriend became your husband, think him going to your family's house without you. Is that an awkward experience for him, is it alienated? It doesn't have to be that way and I think it's better that could be done comfortably. He should ideally be a friend to the family and the family should see him as such. Very important part of the development because I've seen time and again where the partners of family members are just kind of "unknowns" sticking as close as possible to their partner without talking to the rest of the family. It is a weird and alienating experience. It seems like families want to alienate sometimes instead of being warm or expecting that person to put themselves forward instead of having a reciprocal exchange. It bothers me when my family speaks ill of my cousin's girlfriend because I like the fact that they are together and experiencing romance. The family and her should be working together on that. There is nothing weirder than hearing that experience with my mom going to dinner that night and being completely alienated for no reason.

The worst thing is when families objectify the partner. My cousin's girlfriend is also criticized for not being very attractive looking. But my cousin likes her, so why is that the family's problem? They see the woman as something you can take and represent as a prize to the family. "He could have done better." What does that matter in the context of love? They just want to get in the way sometimes.
 

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That family is worthless. Time to find a new one.
Don't be an idiot. Basically every mother thinks every man their daughter dates is beneath them. At least in my experience.

I definitely don't see an issue telling someone they could do better. Love blinds people pretty badly so sometimes they need an objective analysis of how the person they are attracted to stacks up. If that's what's going on then no issue, if it's just about race then maybe that's an issue, but all you can do is try to get them to talk to each other. The boyfriend here isn't helping at all either just assuming it's all about race and not wanting to interact either.
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
I'm not sure if this will be helpful but with similar experiences trying to talk to my family about things they disapprove of and have them understand seems futile. Just tell her she's going to have to deal with it, it's her problem at this point. Honestly, if you can, I'd see if it's possible to keep the two worlds apart.

Your mom might be looking out for you, might have your best interest at heart, only wants the best for you and is not necessarily a toxic and terrible person but she has to step back. And if she doesn't that's why I suggested trying to keep your relationship and your family separate. That might not be what you want to do and it might be hard to do but I can't see any other way if your mom/family just won't understand.
She really does. That's why I am trying to reconcile this somehow. We've always been pretty close but since a couple of years ago I've been keeping most romantic stuff to myself.

Do not listen to your mom.

Clearly you and her have very different views, that's fine. People not getting along is normal. Don't let your mom dictate your life, you are 24. Don't argue with your mom as it will only lead to her being able to knock down your spirit. If she says anything about your BF -> say she's wrong or "OK." and nothing else. You can also try ONLY talk about your BF and "how amazing it was when...", "how it feels when he...", "I'm so in love that I...", "he has [skillset], [skillset] and does [skillset]" etc.

Basically avoid the topic "the non-white BF" or take control of the topic and ONLY talk how [amazing] everything is with "the handsome [non-white] amazing BF grrr ;) ". Add the "dreamy/horndog eyes" if you can.
Haha about the last line. :laughing: I don't think "horndog" would quite do it, but maybe the other stuff will, thanks. ;)

Don't be an idiot. Basically every mother thinks every man their daughter dates is beneath them. At least in my experience.

I definitely don't see an issue telling someone they could do better. Love blinds people pretty badly so sometimes they need an objective analysis of how the person they are attracted to stacks up. If that's what's going on then no issue, if it's just about race then maybe that's an issue, but all you can do is try to get them to talk to each other. The boyfriend here isn't helping at all either just assuming it's all about race and not wanting to interact either.
The bold is what I hear too. I definitely agree with you. But about my BF, I think he was trying to interact with her in the beginning but because she only responded in a couple of words he didn't keep trying. Though I agree that he might have tried to iniatiate some more interesting convo with her. I brought this up to him, saying that in his place I would really try to find out what topics the mom would enjoy talking about. Though in his place I might have also become disheartened quickly, haha. >_<
 
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The well-being of your children is your concern until the day you die.
Based on what has been presented there is a clash between what OP wants in a boyfriend and what her family want her to want in a boyfriend. Nothing presented suggests the boyfriend in question should concern the parents. Unless "not athletic" is low key for fat
 

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Based on what has been presented there is a clash between what OP wants in a boyfriend and what her family want her to want in a boyfriend. Nothing presented suggests the boyfriend in question should concern the parents. Unless "not athletic" is low key for fat
Her grades slipping isn't a concern?
 

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@Mr. Anderson, definitely a concern, but I don't think it's "specific" to my BF. Whenever I fell for anyone historically I become more unfocused, and it's something I have to work on myself. I don't think it would make a difference *who* the guy is, unless he literally told me that he would only hang out with me on the weekend, and all the other days I have tod study/work. I just need to be more disciplined.

@Robert2928 Not fat at all, actually quite the opposite - he used to do really intensive sports but doesn't anymore, so he doesn't have that "athlete body" any more.
 

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Her grades slipping isn't a concern?
Her grades slipping has nothing to do with the boyfriend though. The exact same thing could have been happening without him. It's just convenient to look at the boyfriend and be like "he's causing this" but that's not exactly the case.

@Diophantine
That's just life. I mean do you like come from a family of athletes or something. Maybe that's why they like...want someone more athletic?
 

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Her grades slipping has nothing to do with the boyfriend though. The exact same thing could have been happening without him. It's just convenient to look at the boyfriend and be like "he's causing this" but that's not exactly the case.
She literally said it was the case. Just that it would have been true for any boyfriend, not just this particular one.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
Her grades slipping has nothing to do with the boyfriend though. The exact same thing could have been happening without him. It's just convenient to look at the boyfriend and be like "he's causing this" but that's not exactly the case.

@Diophantine
That's just life. I mean do you like come from a family of athletes or something. Maybe that's why they like...want someone more athletic?
LOL, not really. But I'm quite athletic myself and have recently gotten back in top shape (going to the gym regularly and doing a rather demanding sport). Meanwhile my BF rarely works out anymore and isn't comparitively "in shape" as I am. It's not a turn off at this point though :p
@Mr. Anderson, you speak the truth. At this point I've got it together though so breaking up with him wouldn't really make things better in terms of academics/work.
 

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Have they tried pushing other guys onto your plate yet? And if so what are they like?

Since you haven't outlined any core problems with your bf I see this as a "their" problem not a "your" problem. Unless of course you are of the mindset that you can have a perfectly harmonious cross relationship between your partner and your family which newsflash is something almost no one has.

Honestly you still haven't figured out why they truly feel the way they do. The superficial nonsense you outlined isn't reason enough as a valid criticism of your choice. Until you figure that one out you are going to be in limbo trying to differentiate truth from falsehoods.
 

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Have they tried pushing other guys onto your plate yet? And if so what are they like?

Since you haven't outlined any core problems with your bf I see this as a "their" problem not a "your" problem. Unless of course you are of the mindset that you can have a perfectly harmonious cross relationship between your partner and your family which newsflash is something almost no one has.

Honestly you still haven't figured out why they truly feel the way they do. The superficial nonsense you outlined isn't reason enough as a valid criticism of your choice. Until you figure that one out you are going to be in limbo trying to differentiate truth from falsehoods.
Yeah. She keeps bringing up high-earning white guys who we mutually know and who my (white or Asian) friends have snagged. She particularly seems to favor a guy of the same ethnicity, but at this point I think specific ethnicity wouldn't matter as long as he is 1) white 2) high-earning 3) tall/athletic/nice face ( = good genetics).

I think there are a few problems but they are not that major and something we are working on together. Regardless whether or not I want to stay with him long-term, I want to happily enjoy our time together right now without constantly hearing about how I am "wasting my life" or "forgetting who I am" or ignoring nicer dudes. And to be honest, I have gone out on dates with guys who would've probably passed my mom's genetic and earning tests, but I found them to be boring and totally incompatible in terms of personality. I'm currently not looking for marriage or long-term settlement, and I think my BF is sexy, loving, devoted, sweet, and really fun to talk to. I don't see what's wrong with that for the time being. We have great chemistry but are taking it slow in terms of next relationship stages (e.g. we haven't discussed moving in together seriously yet) because we are focusing on our degrees.

I think I did, for the most part - the biggest problem my mom sees is that I have "changed" because of him (not true, I "changed" because of myself, I wanted to be better), and that she doesn't see him as good enough for me in terms of personality/looks. >.<
 

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Yeah. She keeps bringing up high-earning white guys who we mutually know and who my (white or Asian) friends have snagged. She particularly seems to favor a guy of the same ethnicity, but at this point I think specific ethnicity wouldn't matter as long as he is 1) white 2) high-earning 3) tall/athletic/nice face ( = good genetics).

I think there are a few problems but they are not that major and something we are working on together. Regardless whether or not I want to stay with him long-term, I want to happily enjoy our time together right now without constantly hearing about how I am "wasting my life" or "forgetting who I am" or ignoring nicer dudes. And to be honest, I have gone out on dates with guys who would've probably passed my mom's genetic and earning tests, but I found them to be boring and totally incompatible in terms of personality. I'm currently not looking for marriage or long-term settlement, and I think my BF is sexy, loving, devoted, sweet, and really fun to talk to. I don't see what's wrong with that for the time being. We have great chemistry but are taking it slow in terms of next relationship stages (e.g. we haven't discussed moving in together seriously yet) because we are focusing on our degrees.

I think I did, for the most part - the biggest problem my mom sees is that I have "changed" because of him (not true, I "changed" because of myself, I wanted to be better), and that she doesn't see him as good enough for me in terms of personality/looks. >.<
Makes sense.

Heres another one for you then, has your family more specifically your mothers side have any diversity within them in the past?

And by diversity I don't just mean racial, but socio-economical and personality traits.
 
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