Wheww... I have one hell of a rough time with my family. I get along amazingly with my brother, despite a 6 year age difference, which is amplified, as he is 11 and I am 17. Of all the siblings with similar age gaps I know, I think we actually get along the best (as a fair judgement, I really do). I think the reason we get along so well is because of two things: I'm a lot nicer than most older teenage brothers, and I try a lot to connect with him ('cause there's always a little kid inside of me
). We're actually completely different in terms of personalities and life goals, but we're both very "live, and let live" types of people. There's a couple of things that each of us has that can really piss the other off, but the number of instances we've had is less than 3. On my brother's part, it really helps that he has respect for me, and fully believes that I'm looking out for him (which I am). As far as cognitive functions go, I think he's a budding ISTJ, but I think it's still too young to change.
Then there's my dad. He's a full ISTJ and has an extraordinary amount of work ethic, ambition, and ego. He used to have one of the most horrible tempers I've ever seen, and, since we never really saw eye to eye on a lot of things, we clashed hard and often. But since then, I've grown up and learned he was right in some areas, and he's learned to not get mad when people think differently. For the most part, he's slowly changed to a "live, and let live" person as well. He's realized that him and I are completely different people, and is willing to respect that. However, like many parents, he is not willing to accept our differences as an excuse for being lazy (I'm way more lazy than him XD). I think we only have one thing that repeatedly annoys the other. For me, it's that I'm unwilling to work for things that I deem as unimportant. For example, taking an AP Exam for a subject my college will not take credit for. I studied very little for it, and he was extremely mad. For him, it's his ego. He has never fully apologized to me for anything he's done, even if he did something that really hurt, or where he is completely at fault. When we argue, he loves to play what I call "power games", in which he escalates his voice, then threatens to kick me out, and, one-by-one, begins to take my belongings (phone, laptop, wallet, ID, textbooks, etc.) However, I'm pretty glad we've worked out our differences. Instead of thinking "Oh, he thinks differently, let me tell him why he's so wrong", he thinks "Oh, he thinks differently, and I don't understand why he thinks like that, but it's okay, so I'll just let him be." Our relationship is mostly "I respect him immensely as a person, but I really disagree with a lot of views." That being said, we're still a have a decent father/son bond, but we're not too close.
So the trend of this is basically going from best to worst. And from my brother to my dad, there's a huge drop. From my dad to my mom, there's an even larger gap. Me and my mother (ESFJ, pretty unhealthy to me, because most ESFJs I know are NOT like this). I find a lot of things about her extremely disturbing, and also extremely hypocritical. I also find her extremely immature, in the sense that she will never own up to her mistakes and will ALWAYS rationalize her wrong actions on the grounds that "someone else did something first". To me, this is like saying "oh, he said a bad word, so I killed him." I can see her reasoning is "well, if he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have done this", but that's something I would expect out of a 7 year old. She also tends to think of herself as the perfect one. Every time anyone in the house fights with her, she does some weird passive aggressive BS, tries to evoke pity, and then will run around telling all the other people how badly she was hurt. It's extremely frustrating.
Perhaps the most classic ESFJ/ENFP clash is the problem with freedom and independence. Compared to me, she's very traditional, and our views are totally different. But unlike my dad leaving me alone, my mom is very into telling me why my opinions and beliefs are wrong ("Oh, well, I'm 45, and you're 17, so I obviously know more, and therefore can obviously tell you why my beliefs are right") I've tried explaining to her that people wish to go on different paths in life, and success is not determined by how close I will adhere to her path, but how far I will walk my own. We generally clash on seemingly stupid things, such as clothing choice ("guys can't wear not-neutral colors"), profession ("you'll never find a job if you become a mechanical engineer, instead of XXXX" which is SO untrue), hairstyle (I like mine short, she thinks it's better a bit longer), music taste ("educated people should only listen to classical music"), what I think people find attractive in a guy (me: personality, intelligence, way of thinking. Her: job, money, more money), what I like to do ("guys shouldn't like to shop or cook"). If it wasn't obvious, she's pretty sexist, on top of being racist. However, she picks and chooses stereotypes, so essentially, asian women come out as being able to do anything, while every other group is held back by limitations. I try to understand how she arrives at these conclusions, but I've mostly given up at this point and accepted her for who she is.
If I had to say one thing for her to change, it wouldn't be any of these; it would be for her to simply have a holistic view of people. She only sees the best in people. And this isn't meant in the good way, such as seeing only how people are nice. It's meant in having the biggest multi-standards I've ever seen. For example, she encounters someone very good at basketball, but with an academic record that won't allow him to graduate. She doesn't care; he's good at basketball. Or, she encounters someone who is an amazing student, but has no ability to take care of himself, nor has any social ability (not an extroverted vs. introverted thing, more of an pretentious asshole vs. down to earth person thing). She doesn't care; he's really smart. Or, she encounters someone who is extremely nice and charming, but has no job and who's life is falling apart. She doesn't care; he's nice and friendly. (This is obviously exaggeration, but it's not too far off). This works really badly for me, because I'm more of a well rounded person. I don't EXCEL at one thing, so when compared to the first person's athleticism, I suck; second person's brains, I suck; third person's pure charm, I suck. So her overall verdict? I suck. I get an endless "Ohhhh... Why can't you be more like him? How come he can do this so much better than you can?". I've tried explaining that I'm more balanced, but apparently that's loser mentality. I've tried explaining that I can only do so much with 24 hrs in a day, but that's also loser mentality. I've tried telling her that some people are simply, overall, better than others, but that's also loser mentality. I see my dad getting held up to the double standards of "Oh, how come he works so much harder than you and makes so much more money" and "Oh, how come he's so much more of a family man?". And on my brother, "Oh, how come he can beat you at this sport" and "Oh, how come he's better at piano" and "Oh, how come he made it to this math competition?". It's ENDLESS. I've tried giving her a taste of her own medicine. Does not work. The reply is "I already do everything wonderfully, besides, I only have *so much time in a day*" The hypocrisy....
I guess as far as cross family dynamics work, my mom and my dad have a really strained relationship. Mostly because of three things: neither of them is willing to accept that the other thinks of a different way (well, dad, possibly, but mom, definitely not), have just about the worst personal communication skills I've ever seen between a married couple (neither likes to apologize, both think the other is at fault, won't sit down and actually express what they feel, etc.), and though my dad is a more "live, and let live" person, he is just as stubborn as my mom when the two face off.
I noticed my reply changed from an actual reply about family dynamics, but then changed to what I hate that my mom does. Sorry for the rant; it was long, but I hope it gives some insight into my family dynamics. I think I am partially to blame, though. A lot of the fights started because of my less than stellar (like actually, "less than stellar", aka, not Stanford or MIT material) academic performance. It's a lot to do with my general laid-backness about things I don't care about, which is useful in later life, but not in high school. However, though I could have caused less clashes, I think the root causes are based in the problems each of us have as people (makes us human). I don't mean to be harsh, but I would honestly say my mom is an instigator for a lot of the problems (I would say almost 90% or so of the fights in my home are between her and someone else).
