[Aquc]

Ok, so I wanted to post this for two reasons. Partly for advice, and partly to find out other's views. Lets go with the views first;

Family. Do you love them? Do you feel a responsibility to love them? Do you like them? How close are you? Essential support structure or inconveniance to be avoided?


Ok, now my problem; In my immediate family, consisting of my mum, dad, sister, and their business partner, girlfriend and boyfriend respectively (I'm just gonna call them in pairs, no point adding partner on the end of every name), my mum and sister live close together, and my dad lives apart. I lived with my mum for many years in what would be described as an unhealthy household environment. Eventually they decided to kick me out, which was ideal to me. Unfortunately they now claim I was not kicked out, but rather advised to spend a few days at my dads, which directly contrasts my memory of "Get out of my house!", and as such are attempting to behave as if nothing happened. I naturally now want nothing to do with them, but because they and my sister are close I can't really lose one without the other. I get on with my sister, and owe her a lot, but we have no similar interests and don't really spend any time together (I also now live about 2 hours away). My ideal situation would be to become estranged without hurting them, not so much because I love them (I really don't get that concept) but because I do owe them varying amounts. Do any of you have any advice on how to achieve this, or do you think it is a terrible idea overall? The other issue is my dad is still in contact with my mum, and this would provide problems as me and my dad have similar interests and I would count us as friends.

Just for reference, this is not the words of an adolescent looking for revenge, but rather of an adult looking to leave the past behind.

 

[Decoy]

If you stay in contact with your sister and dad, since you get on with them... Would there be a problem with having indirect contact with your mum via them, though not contacting/interacting with her directly? Or do you feel the need to cut her out of your life completely?

 

[Aquc]

My sister would never approve of me cutting contact with my mum.

 

[Decoy]

Ok, so if you retain contact with your mum via your sister, without actively pursuing interaction with your mum, wouldn't that work? Sorry, I think I'm missing something, but I'm not clear on why you want to become estranged, though you get on with your sister and dad, or if it would be acceptable for you to still have indirect contact with your mum to maintain the other relationships.

Personally, family is important to me and I love mine very much, even if it's often difficult to like them, but obviously I can't offer an ISTP perspective on your general questions.

I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Charles Schwaniger]

I have a very close connection with family, mostly due to us all sharing the same bizzare sense of humor.

 

[emperor_domi]

You're not going to be able to in this case unltess you want to be estranged from the whole family. If you have to talk to her, keep it polite, short and simple. If she tries to provoke an argument, still keep it short and don't lose your head. If all else fails, and you are able to, leave.

 

[Kadjunga]

As was said before, keep the relations you are interested in and dont spend too much energy on the others. If they know the reasons why you do not want to hang out or stay in touch with them, then they either can accept it or try to fix it. But do not say that too early only when they start to ask why you are avoiding "x".


So, keep it simple, keep the family you like close and the rest can be treated like a random stranger on the street. Polite, but not rude.

 

[VictoriaB]

At the end of the day family is family. I do have some issues with my mother myself, I do distance myself from her from time to time just so I am able to stay sain. But I would never cut her out completly. As an adult you do need to recognize within yourself that there are times where you may need to create a little bit of space between yourself and family. There is nothing wrong with that as long as its not over a fight or disagreement, just to keep things 'ok' between the two of you.

 

[hazzacanary]

Hmm I've had similar problems with my family, and have thought about the future. To be honest, my mother reallys annoys me and, as an ESFJ, she naturally presses me into using my inferior Fe, which I really hate! I've often thought how nice it would be to be able to leave right now, but I can't afford to live on my own yet. That said, when I have left, I doubt I'll have much meaningful interaction with her ever again. I definitely can't say I love (as if I know what that means...) her, or even like her most of the time, and I wonder if she feels the same. My sister is much bearable, whilst my dad can be fine, or hugely annoying if he's sticking to a point of his rigid logic which I find flawed. I would say the only person in my immediate family I feel close to is my twin brother, who's and INFP. He's the only other IxxP in the house, and we're just naturally close. As for extended family, I find it an effort sometimes, if they're not really interested in the same subjects as me. That said, I was talking to my grandma about my problems with my mother today, and just felt like she was much easier to talk to than my mother (by the way, this grandma is from my father's side, and my mum dislikes his family).

 

[Tenshi_rdk]

I also have similar problems. As a kid I was in the perfect family, supportive, loved my mom and dad and siblings. But ... unfortunately my mom went psycho on us. In 15 years of ongoing stuggles, rejection, invalidation I cannot figure out if religion is to blame or if she is schizophrenic. Anyway, this whole episode has basically alienated most of our family. My brother and sister can deal with it better and they still talk to my mom/dad when we are over. However I have gone into a mode where its SUPER hard for me to speak a word to my family. Sister/mom/dad doesn't matter. I feel like I dont belong anymore and being there is always just painful. I too wish I could live alone and in another country and FORGET about my family. They keep me from who I COULD and CAN be. Its really suffocating.

Look ... I really hope you can figure it out. I can tell you one thing. I was much happier when I lived in another country for two years. almost zero communication from my family, but also very hard times as I did miss them and wondered if they even care ( since not much calls ).

But as the others say. don't CUT her off and let her know this. Keep the connection but be avoident UNTIL you can figure out what you truly want. Some things cannot be taken back easily. If you cut her out now and decide otherwise later - she might not want to reconnect. Lol we a P's keep those options OPEN