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I just recently started learning about the Enneagram, and discovered I'm a 4. I've been reading up on it, and came across statements about 4's often creating a fantasy version of themselves, and I nearly started crying... "...cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations." This is something I've been doing forever, and while it brings me comfort, I also feel some guilt and shame about it. I know people are complex and dynamic, and no one thing can easily explain them, and I have a sense of other facets of my life that are playing into this. But I had never seen the way I inwardly create an overly idealized, often far-fetched version of myself and my life described so keenly. I was hoping to talk about this more with other 4's.
 

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I just recently started learning about the Enneagram, and discovered I'm a 4. I've been reading up on it, and came across statements about 4's often creating a fantasy version of themselves, and I nearly started crying... "...cultivating a Fantasy Self—an idealized self-image which is built up primarily in their imaginations." This is something I've been doing forever, and while it brings me comfort, I also feel some guilt and shame about it. I know people are complex and dynamic, and no one thing can easily explain them, and I have a sense of other facets of my life that are playing into this. But I had never seen the way I inwardly create an overly idealized, often far-fetched version of myself and my life described so keenly. I was hoping to talk about this more with other 4's.
Yeah I have idealized selfs and they're many, their creation are endless. The idealized self is all concerned about how people will perceive them. I want everyone to see how special I am. I want everyone to confirm my existence-- sort of thing. Is the same case with 5 wing?
I've learned to be less concerned about that, since everytime I did this it ended badly. Imagination world is amazing, yet outside world which I deal with isn't so much. Maybe if I learn to see the world in true appreciation, then my imagination would come true. I tried to think this way.
 

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The worst part of always spinning the fantasy self is how much reality falls short. Well, maybe there are some 4s here who have partially realized their fantasy self or have some part of them that is recognized by others and aligns with their fantasy self, but I am not one of those fours. And it can be excruciating. It's even led me to suicidal thinking, which is incredibly crazy. Obviously (I tell myself) if not living up to my idealized version of myself causes me so much suffering I should give it up, change the fantasy. It just feels so compromising in a way I have a hard time living with.

And what I find frustrating about my fantasy self is 1) how idealistic it can be to the point of being unattainable and 2) how vague it can be. To this last point; sometimes it seems I skip the step of relishing in the fantasy (because I am in a place in my life where I just feel despair about it) and move straight to rejecting everything that is for not being good enough, even though I don't bother to define "good enough" in any sort of specific or helpful way. It's such a mindfuck, but a compelling one.

Good thread topic.
 

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I have so many fantasy selves I have no memory of all of them. I wish I could be my fantasy self, and I often pretend to be them..
 

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This is something I also do. My fantasy self is a famme-fatale, slimmer, curvy, with natural grace, very sensual, yet very earthy as well. It doesn't matter if she's wearing the Jessica Rabbit red dress, or jeans and a ratty t-shirt, she always looks attractive. She's talented and accomplished enough to be a Mary Sue - she sings in a grunge band (usually), plays the guitar or bass or drums, has more tattoos than I have now, she has these deep conversations with whoever is my current crush/love at the time and he always just falls deeper in love with him. She manages to help people, yet is so humble (so not the real me!)....

...yeah, I could probably continue, but you get the point:wink:
 
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I'm so fascinated by this. I honestly thought I was the only one who did this for a long time. It's almost like I live a double life though. I'm really ambivalent about it. On the one hand, I really enjoy it and it makes my life more interesting I guess? But it also makes me feel really scattered and disconnected to my real life sometimes. And then there's the difficulty I have in taking any of my fantasy life out into my real world. Even to use it as inspiration for a creative writing project or something... I cant seem to do it, no matter how much I want to. It's as if the "living" it "real time" in my head doesn't translate to putting it down concretely in a 3rd person kind of way. I've thought about trying to keep like a fantasy diary of my fantasy life... what I do, who I meet, what's going on in my fantasy life, etc. But it feels really difficult and weird when I sit down to actually do it. Anyone else have this problem, or do something to capture or elaborate on your fantasy life in your real life?
 

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And then there's the difficulty I have in taking any of my fantasy life out into my real world. Even to use it as inspiration for a creative writing project or something... I cant seem to do it, no matter how much I want to. It's as if the "living" it "real time" in my head doesn't translate to putting it down concretely in a 3rd person kind of way.
It's all about creativity. I have this fantasizing thing very strong and it's been that way for years. It's shifted noticeably. Even now as something not otherworldly it remains inhospitable in reality.
 

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I have two categories of fantasy self: attainable and unattainable. I slowly move towards the attainable as a life goal. I like to think that the inner, fantasy self is really me preparing and creating a rich fantasy life for permanent unconsciousness. Somewhat like me creating/preparing my "heaven". Well, I just unintentionally made this morbid :unsure:
 
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I have a list on my phone of all the things I want to change about myself, and I *think* I believe I can do them all, but at the same time I haven't really made any progress in months, which is very unsettling. I sometimes imagine being the person who has completed all the changes, but usually I do this in a vague way (like without in-depth, specific details).

Most of the time I'm pretending something. My current favorite is that I'm a Buddhist monk and my house is a monastery. Sometimes I pretend to be a princess of sorts, and sometimes what I'm pretending is so vague that it's just a lininse (feeling) of being some person who's not me. That might be sort of different than what you're talking about though.

I have very detailed fantasies of imaginaries friends, a fake gang that I'm a spy for, entire fantasy worlds, etc., but those aren't idealized versions of me, so again, that might be different.
 
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