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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not sure of my direction with this, so bare with me if it lacks cohesion...

I am a (morbidly) depressed INFJ. I feel completely locked away inside of my own brain. I'm carrying this weight in my chest and my heart has fisted.

I'm desperately lonely, but I reject almost all opportunities for companionship (being invited to attend something, etc.). I have a difficult time with regard to other people. Generally, if I get a "feeling", "vibe", whatever, that the person is insincere (even if they seem super-nice on the outside), I can't bring myself to give them the benefit of the doubt. I trust no one; not even me.

It's rare that I meet anyone who seems as though I could connect with them. When I do, I'm desperate in my pursuit to make that connection and they frighten away. I've recently met such a person; a girl in my office. I believe she may be an ISTP, but can't be entirely positive. She has been extremely patient, but I'm not so sure she actually likes me and I want her acceptance so badly, that I can almost taste it. It's difficult to communicate and I don't want to over-do it.

I usually feel terrible when I decline to do something, but I'm not looking for casual acquaintances with people that I don't feel any connection with. Saying that, it makes me feel that I'm being unfair and creating my own solitude or that I'm being far too picky.

My heart burns when I see other people having fun, laughing, etc and realize that I can't be a part of something similar. I like to see other people happy and they are entitled to it, but what about my own?

Aside from this person who, possibly, agrees to have lunch with me once a week out of pity, I have no friends. My father recently passed away and I have no one to confide in or talk with. I'm completely disconnected from all family.... it has always been that way though.

I emailed a local therapist... just so I could have a person to speak to, but she's booked until sometime next month.

I'm consumed with guilt for being so self-focused, but it is hard for me to escape it. I feel no motivation to do anything else... I just want someone to bond with.

I could probably just keep typing, but... I don't think it's helping.
 

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You need to stop feeling guilty for turning down invitations. All that is doing is contributing to your need to retreat further away into your head.

The feedback loop is probably something like this:

-I don't feel like socializing, it's too much input for me right now.
-I retreat inside my head and seek comfort there.
-I feel lonely.
-Someone invites me to do something. I decline as I don't have the energy to devote to others (or myself after a certain point).
-I feel bad for rejecting their invitation. I might have hurt their feelings.
-Because I worry I might have hurt their feelings or come off like a jerk, I no longer feel like I should be given an invitation.
-I don't deserve their companionship. I deserve to be isolated--quarantined. Something is wrong with me...
-Because of the above, I retreat further inside myself.
-Because of the above, I have less energy available for forging relationships or taking care of myself.

[Return to the beginning with each iteration becoming worse than the last until finally you are left staring at the wall miserably whenever you aren't obligated to do anything else.]

Does that sound like a close summation of the spiral that's going on inside your head?

If so, I've been there and return that special self-created hell periodically. You have to break the cycle, and the key is to stop feeling guilty for wanting to be alone for a while. Once you stop feeling guilty, you need to get away from where you are physically holding yourself hostage. Go outside. Go on vacation. Take a walk somewhere you've never been before. Don't worry about taking anyone with you. Just go. Do this everyday if you can. Try to find a quiet place in one of these new locations. Have a seat and let your thoughts turn over on their own. Then, periodically, go and do something new you've never done before.

By doing these things, you're reinforcing your ability to act on your own--you are reminding yourself that you have enough strength to carry yourself. You should start to feel a little stronger each day to the point where, while you are still lonely, you aren't holding yourself hostage and will find more energy that you can begin to pour into forging relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
That sounds exactly how it plays out for me.

I have this incredible fear of unknowns. I so desperately want to make a connection with another living person and I know that you have to put effort into it, but the fear of rejection, judgement, whatever, keeps me from trying. I really just wish someone could see inside of me and just understand.

In the rare cases I do try, I go overboard and end up in the same lonely place with less motivation to try it again.

I'm terribly afraid of doing things alone. I feel as though I just look pathetic and everyone can see it.

I put other people's feelings ahead of my own in almost all cases.

You are right, though. Ultimately, I need to get over myself; it's selfish and I despise selfishness.

Thank you for your words.
 

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I'm not sure of my direction with this, so bare with me if it lacks cohesion...

I am a (morbidly) depressed INFJ. I feel completely locked away inside of my own brain. I'm carrying this weight in my chest and my heart has fisted.

<snip>
@XperimntNterror

So sorry to hear how lousy you're feeling.

Some of the comments I'm going to make I've made in other threads to do with depression - so, apologies to those here who've heard it all before.

I emailed a local therapist... just so I could have a person to speak to, but she's booked until sometime next month.
Great move. I think therapy would be great for you at this time. In psychotherapy intimacy and a sense of connection are experienced - and you've probably been missing out on both these.

I've recently met such a person; a girl in my office. I believe she may be an ISTP, but can't be entirely positive. She has been extremely patient, but I'm not so sure she actually likes me and I want her acceptance so badly, that I can almost taste it. It's difficult to communicate and I don't want to over-do it.
Also, in therapy there's scope to get practical support and advice on relationship issues. (This may not be the main purpose of therapy but it can nontheless be there). So, you could explore with the therapist your feelings for this woman, how the two of you are when you're together, and what you think her feelings for you might be. You may come up with an idea (eg invite the woman out to a meal at a restaurant) and the therapist (who's probably quite experienced in life) can hopefully tell you "good idea" or "bad idea" plus explain why.

If you want to find a therapist almost certainly you will be able to. You could email this one again asking her if she knows other local therapists. If she has your interests at heart she'll be happy to do so.

Are you taking any medication for your depression? If not, I'd strongly recommend considering going onto an anti-depressant. Yes, such a drug changes your brain chemistry (which is an objection often made against them) - but your brain chemistry is already not as it should be if you're morbidly depressed. As well as dealing with the depression itself, many people who take an anti-d also describe how their anxiety reduces and they feel more at ease in social situations.

The combination of psychotherapy and an anti-d can work very effectively i beleiev.

You are right, though. Ultimately, I need to get over myself; it's selfish and I despise selfishness.
Don't be so hard on yourself!

And ... good luck.
 

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@XperimntNterror Couple of things.....

1. Just re-reading. Where i said

Don't be so hard on yourself!
i feel now I should have said "Try not to be so hard on yourself". This maybe seems pedantic, but words and nuances tend to be important to us INFJs and I recognise that it can be hard to change long established ways of thinking.

2. Hope you'll feel ok to tell us how you get on.

Also, sounded in your original post like there might be more you wanted to say?
 

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I'm not sure of my direction with this, so bare with me if it lacks cohesion...

I am a (morbidly) depressed INFJ. I feel completely locked away inside of my own brain. I'm carrying this weight in my chest and my heart has fisted.


I'm consumed with guilt for being so self-focused, but it is hard for me to escape it. .
Xperimnt.....you HAVE to be self focused. It's the oldest cliche in the book, but of you don't like yourself, ain't nobody else going to like you much either!

And as Zech says.....try not being so hard on yourself, we all expect so much from ourselves and sometimes we aren't ready.
 

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In addition to what Kyrielle said about the importance of not feeling guilty, I do think every now and then you should just force yourself to accept an invitation. I am also very picky and there are very few I have a connection with. However, sometimes you need to view it as a new experience to climb out of a rut. Go into it with an open mind. Of course, most likely your initial instincts are correct and you won't feel "that" connection (which is fine!) with them and your time with them will not be super awesome.

However, there could be SOMETHING you can get out of it. Every now and then, if I open up a little, I am pleasantly surprised with what I discover about someone. It may not be astounding, but it's a pleasant surprise and it feels good to be pleasantly surprised. There could be one little thing you connect with them on, or one little thing that's actually interesting about that person. Ask them questions; learn more about them. You don't have to trust them right away, or ever if it never comes to it. If the experience goes horribly wrong and you feel like an outcast of the group, instead of telling yourself negative thoughts like, "I'm so picky; I can't have fun with these people; I'm horrible," ask yourself why the experience didn't go right. Perhaps the things they were saying left no room to even open up. Perhaps the group was too large so you couldn't get anything out of it. Or perhaps you can admit your fear held you back. And if your fear did hold you back, think, "how can I put myself in a situation where it will be easier to conquer the fear?" Analyze yourself from a distance and turn to a problem solving method instead of a self blaming method.

You need to accept that you are OKAY at the core; you just have some hurdles and you need to discover the methods and steps to make it easier for you to jump them. It's okay if you're picky; it's okay to turn down invitations. You just need to try those methods which should lead you to be happy and successful. Trying new things, appreciating the small and simple things that go right, and analyze what caused those "right" things to happen (or wrong) should help you form a new perspective. But you must forgive yourself, encourage yourself, and be patient or you will defeat yourself. You must acknowledge those negative thoughts and fight them every day. Pat yourself on the back for any (seemingly stupid) thing you do right.
 

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Remove yourself from your mind and your negative ego. Those are the things depressing you and causing these things to be the way they are and you are the only one who can fix them. The most important thing to do to fix this is love yourself, and you have to believe it rather than think you know it or just say it. Rid yourself of this toxic negativity, and don't just behave positive, BE positive.

We are the way we are because we made the decision to be, now we live to find out why and learn from it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
@Zech,

I appreciate the words that you and everyone else that's replied to this thread have offered.

I suppose I do have more to say... it's just difficult to say them "right".

In my head, I'm an idealist and the bar I set for myself is based upon those ideals; immediately rendering me a failure, but I want them so badly.

Outwardly, I temper that idealism with "realism" and tend to come off quite cynical, self-deprecating... negative... cold... you name it.

Most people won't engage me because of this. What they don't know is that I'm just afraid. Afraid they will reject me; think my ideas and philosophies ridiculous or, worse, stupid. Deep down, I want someone to take an interest.

Going back to this girl in my office, I had to, quite literally, force myself to initiate a conversation with her (she is also a bit introverted). Because I'm too self-conscious, I used Facebook as a means to do this. She seems to prefer face-to-face interaction and, even though messaging allows me to be more open without being a stuttering idiot, I feel she takes me as not being genuine. I struggle everyday to maybe go over to and talk to her, but I'm terrible at small talk (mostly because I'd rather get to know her and not talk about random, meaningless things; just isn't interesting) and I "chicken" out of it. I fear that she will be annoyed or embarrassed that the "weird" guy is talking to her openly or that other people will give her flak for my coming around... I feel like everyone would "know" that I was interested in her.

I drew a picture for her this last weekend. It was kinda silly, but personal. I spent most of Sunday working on it and wanted it to be special. I had to go in very early on Monday, so I brought it with me and put it in her office on her chair (I covered it, so no one else would see it) and left a note so she would know it was from me. A little later, she emailed me, thanking me for giving it to her... a little later, after that, I was on Facebook and saw a picture she had uploaded, titled "the new addition to her office". It was a print out of some Honey Badger "Don't Give A Shit" meme that one of the Producers had given her; she had uploaded this just a few hours after I received her email. It may be over-thinking, but I was offended that she was making such a big deal of some print out of a tired old meme when I had spent hours trying to MAKE something personal and relevant for her trip this Friday and it wasn't receiving the same "praise". I had also asked her to lunch again this week (via a message), but she has still not replied... I saw her today in the break room and she was friendly, but she did not bring up going to lunch at all... nor did I. Now I feel rejected by her.

...I feel extremely childish re-reading that (I'm a grown man!), but I really like her and it's not often I meet someone that I desire bonding with. I don't have any expectation in a romantic sense... I just really like talking to her.

I feel like no matter what I do, it's just taken the wrong way. If I'm quiet, I'm being a jerk. If I'm being friendly or caring, I'm being "creepy" or something.

Anyway... I have a really hard time with the "self". To share one of my philosophies, I believe life is a journey of transcendence. I'm deeply spiritual (I believe in God), but I don't follow ritual or tradition (i.e., I don't attend a church). It's my belief church is everywhere and works better for me as a natural conversation than as a building I go to once or twice a week and have someone spit their ideas at me without me being able to interject.... That said, I constantly struggle with separating from the "flesh" (Be in the world, but not of the world - this is demanded by God). It's only in the spirit that one can be near God; the flesh was cursed and no salvation has ever been provided to it... it will cease as all things in the physical will cease. But... I'm still human. I still want all of things that all people want... whether it is "worldly" desire or not.... so I constantly fail because, ultimately, I don't want my God to reject me the way the world has, I keep trying to live according to this ideal.


I'm rambling.... thanks for words, again. Even though I can't hear them, I can feel them and they are very much appreciated... from everyone.
 
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@XperimntNterror

Thanks for that....handful of thoughts coming up.....

Going back to this girl in my office, I had to, quite literally, force myself to initiate a conversation with her (she is also a bit introverted). Because I'm too self-conscious, I used Facebook as a means to do this. She seems to prefer face-to-face interaction and, even though messaging allows me to be more open without being a stuttering idiot, I feel she takes me as not being genuine. I struggle everyday to maybe go over to and talk to her, but I'm terrible at small talk (mostly because I'd rather get to know her and not talk about random, meaningless things; just isn't interesting) and I "chicken" out of it. I fear that she will be annoyed or embarrassed that the "weird" guy is talking to her openly or that other people will give her flak for my coming around... I feel like everyone would "know" that I was interested in her.
I think small talk is hard fro most INFJs. It's worth trying to develop some skill in this arae because it does ease things along in many situations. I also struggle with small talk but feel i'm slightly better at it than i used to be.

Would it matter that everyone knew? Don't forget - seeking a friendship (or maybe more) isn't an unusual thing to do. Very normal human behaviour. What you're fearing perhaps is what they'd say if she rejected you. Which might be something like:

"Did you hear about X? He asked out Y and she said no."
"Ah, poor bugger"

Now, such an exchange would probably not be contemptuous of you. Would just be factual (what happened) and a recognition that a person doesn't always get what he hopes for. And there might even be some sympathy for you - that you'd tried something but it hadn't worked out.

What do you think your concern is exactly when you say "I feel like everyone would know that I was interested in her" ?

I drew a picture for her this last weekend. It was kinda silly, but personal. I spent most of Sunday working on it and wanted it to be special. I had to go in very early on Monday, so I brought it with me and put it in her office on her chair (I covered it, so no one else would see it) and left a note so she would know it was from me. A little later, she emailed me, thanking me for giving it to her... a little later, after that, I was on Facebook and saw a picture she had uploaded, titled "the new addition to her office". It was a print out of some Honey Badger "Don't Give A Shit" meme that one of the Producers had given her; she had uploaded this just a few hours after I received her email. It may be over-thinking, but I was offended that she was making such a big deal of some print out of a tired old meme when I had spent hours trying to MAKE something personal and relevant for her trip this Friday and it wasn't receiving the same "praise". I had also asked her to lunch again this week (via a message), but she has still not replied... I saw her today in the break room and she was friendly, but she did not bring up going to lunch at all... nor did I. Now I feel rejected by her.
Picture - original thing to do.

As I was reading this paragraph I feared that what you were going to say was "she posted my picture on facebook for everyone to see and it was really humiliating for me"

Surely you intended the picture to be for her eyes only? "(I covered it, so no one else would see it)" And that would be why she didn't display it or mention it on FB? Whereas the thing she did post on FB was something that was fine being shared publically?

...I feel extremely childish re-reading that (I'm a grown man!), but I really like her and it's not often I meet someone that I desire bonding with. I don't have any expectation in a romantic sense... I just really like talking to her.
No expectation maybe at present. But my guess is that your hope is for a romantic relationship?

Anyway... I have a really hard time with the "self". To share one of my philosophies, I believe life is a journey of transcendence. I'm deeply spiritual (I believe in God), but I don't follow ritual or tradition (i.e., I don't attend a church). It's my belief church is everywhere and works better for me as a natural conversation than as a building I go to once or twice a week and have someone spit their ideas at me without me being able to interject.... That said, I constantly struggle with separating from the "flesh" (Be in the world, but not of the world - this is demanded by God). It's only in the spirit that one can be near God; the flesh was cursed and no salvation has ever been provided to it... it will cease as all things in the physical will cease. But... I'm still human. I still want all of things that all people want... whether it is "worldly" desire or not.... so I constantly fail because, ultimately, I don't want my God to reject me the way the world has, I keep trying to live according to this ideal.
Most INFJs seem to have an awareness of their own spiritual needs plus a dis-satisfaction with traditional religions.

The text i've put in bold bothers me a bit. Whatever else humans may be we are at the very least physical and what you say there feels "anti body".

I think most viewpoints see the body as important/valuable. For atheists because they believe there probably isn't any other realm beyond the physical. For Christians because the body is seen as a gift from God and a source of healthy pleasures, eg walking, eating, sex. (And similar sort of view in most other religions i think).

I'm rambling.... thanks for words, again. Even though I can't hear them, I can feel them and they are very much appreciated... from everyone.
Hope some of above helps.

Did you make any further attempt to see a psychotherapist?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
@ Zech,

I'll cover what I mean by the flesh being cursed, hopefully, without sounding like a zealot. I don't mean to sound "anti-body", per se.

In accordance with my own beliefs (in the Christian God and His Laws), Sin coming into the world cursed mankind in the spirit as well as in the flesh - we were now accountable for our actions and, if not perfect in physical action, as well as, mental/spiritual action, we were damned to an eternity COMPLETELY removed from God (Hell).

Because God is an absolute embodiment of perfection, nothing less can be before Him. Prior to Christ, man's spirit could only be "purified" by following a very strict set of rules imposed upon him by God. Christ, and His life and sacrifice here, created a "veil" behind which our spirits may hide so that God may see "us" and nullified the previous set of criteria.

ONLY the spirit is granted a possible entrance into Heaven; the physical world is given no such option until Christ returns for the second time, purifies the world and then marries it to Heaven. The world and everything that exists in and out of it were given to us as gifts and should be treated with the utmost amount of respect because they will eventually be restored to the original vision, but they should not be placed above love and respect to God, as the Creator of all things... especially not in their current state of corruption.

Because the only way to be close to God is in the spirit (true self) and not the body (vessel), it is an obligation to begin to "detach" oneself from the body during your physical existence. The flesh is corrupt and will anchor the spirit to an entire removal from God's love, if not fought (again, until the physical world is purified).

From my view, so much of the world is taught to "self-focus", but I believe it should be the opposite. I truly believe that my life is "your" life and vice versa. It's an ideal viewpoint, but if it were how the world operated, you'd never need to think of yourself at all.

Anyway, this internal conflict is what is at the root of most of my distress. Ultimately, I am not a perfect being and will fail in my pursuit of the expectation... though God already knows this; He just expects me to try. It's just a very isolating thing to do...

I am still inquiring with therapists... though, after reading what I wrote above, it's no wonder most people just think I'm a lunatic of some kind.

I firmly believe each person is entitled to live according to what they believe... I'm on no crusade to convert anyone to anything... I just speak honestly when the topic is brought up.

With respect to the girl in my office, I didn't really assume she would make a huge ordeal of the drawing I gave her, but because I do have an interest in her, in might have shown her own interest in return if she did, so it stung a little when she didn't... it's really silly and not a huge deal; I certainly do not fault her in any way for not making a "thing" of it.

I don't "expect" for her to do anything. I would like (hope) for her to have an interest in me, as well, but I don't want to feel anger if it becomes apparent that she doesn't. Expectation seems to breed hostile reactions when they aren't met; hoping keeps the heart open even if that hope isn't met.

I don't want others to know I have an interest in her (at least in the office) because I wouldn't want it to embarrass her if people started asking why I was hanging around so much (I'm not exactly known as the office socialite, so it would be sore thumb) and, of course, my own embarrassment and fear of them judging me as I judge me; I view her as "out of my league" and I feel like everyone else would think the same thing and make jokes behind my back about it.

Small talk is a very large challenge for me. I don't watch television, for instance. When the show "Lost" was all the rage, I would never have any idea what to say to include myself in conversations. I tried watching a few episodes until I realized that you have to watch from the very beginning to have any clue what was happening and it just wasn't all that engaging for me (I love documentaries and things of that nature... a lot of people don't find those to be as interesting for conversation topics, though).

Anyway, I would like to get better at it... you can only ask a person about the weather so many times before they start thinking you have nothing going on inside your brain. Trouble is, I have a ton... just can't articulate the words and it's hardly appropriate for break room chit chat, anyway.

Thanks for chatting with me, Zech :)
 

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@ Zech,

I'll cover what I mean by the flesh being cursed, hopefully, without sounding like a zealot. I don't mean to sound "anti-body", per se.

In accordance with my own beliefs (in the Christian God and His Laws), Sin coming into the world cursed mankind in the spirit as well as in the flesh - we were now accountable for our actions and, if not perfect in physical action, as well as, mental/spiritual action, we were damned to an eternity COMPLETELY removed from God (Hell).

<snip>
Am not really sure what to make of what you say here!

In general, the religious beliefs a person holds tend to give comfort to that person. (Though I'm not saying that's the whole story in relation to religious beliefs). But what strikes me is that what you say *feels* / sounds pretty gloomy. In the next paragraph am going to say something I feel rather uncomfortable saying. Uncomfortable because (i) i could be 100% wrong and (ii) you may find it insulting:

I think your current religious beliefs may flow from your troubled state of mind. And therefore if, by whatever means, you entered a better, less depressed state of mind it might be that those beliefs change/evolve somewhat.

How does that sound? Does that seem plausible?

With respect to the girl in my office, I didn't really assume she would make a huge ordeal of the drawing I gave her, but because I do have an interest in her, in might have shown her own interest in return if she did, so it stung a little when she didn't... it's really silly and not a huge deal; I certainly do not fault her in any way for not making a "thing" of it.
Well, she did thank you for the picture.

I don't want others to know I have an interest in her (at least in the office) because I wouldn't want it to embarrass her if people started asking why I was hanging around so much (I'm not exactly known as the office socialite, so it would be sore thumb) and, of course, my own embarrassment and fear of them judging me as I judge me; I view her as "out of my league" and I feel like everyone else would think the same thing and make jokes behind my back about it.
I think many men - and especially young men - fall under a kind of spell in relation to women. We see a woman who we feel very attracted to, we feel she's out of our league and it's like that gives her a huge power over us! I was very slow getting off the starting blocks in relationships - but i now look back and feel absolutely amazed at how attractive were some of the women I've had a romantic relationship with. The difference between "her league" and "your league" may be a lot less than you imagine!

Small talk is a very large challenge for me. I don't watch television, for instance. When the show "Lost" was all the rage, I would never have any idea what to say to include myself in conversations. I tried watching a few episodes until I realized that you have to watch from the very beginning to have any clue what was happening and it just wasn't all that engaging for me (I love documentaries and things of that nature... a lot of people don't find those to be as interesting for conversation topics, though).

Anyway, I would like to get better at it... you can only ask a person about the weather so many times before they start thinking you have nothing going on inside your brain. Trouble is, I have a ton... just can't articulate the words and it's hardly appropriate for break room chit chat, anyway.
Similar for me - i hardly ever watch TV. Some thoughts on small talk:

* Small talk is about oiling the wheels. Somewhat similar purpose in that sense to saying "please" and "thank you". Isn't necessarily a way of avoiding the important stuff but it allows a safe, deliberately quite superficial, interaction.

* You could make a list of , say, 10 things you can talk about - reasonably mainstream and "safe" - and commit the list to memory. This should give you more scope conversation wise and avoid you having to think on your feet so much.

* You could start a thread here asking for ideas on small talk and people's experiences (many INFJs have difficulties with small talk)

Have just looked at the wikipedia article on smalltalk Small talk - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I think you may find that useful, eg the section on conversational patterns


Just re-read your initial post and noticed something i'd missed before -the recent death of your father. So sorry to hear that and sorry i overlooked it before. Do you think you're grieving for your dad at present?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
@Zech,

I take no insult to what you said at all. I agree that things would change in my religious scope if I could find a middle-ground; I'm this or that, black and white. I don't really want to go into all of the sordid details of my past in a public forum, but life has not been kind to me and I wasn't treated very well. I do believe that a lot my difficulty with my religious perspective is a result of my own life experience. Actually, it effects everything. It's difficulty to say why, but I carry a burden of guilt for everything; good, bad, doesn't matter. I've always, since I was young, felt at fault for everything going wrong or right (sounds weird to feel guilty for "right", but I do).

I'm hoping a therapist (or anyone) can help me sort out these things so that I can be OK with myself and find peace... so I can find it with everything outside of me. I can't figure it out on my own.

This girl in my office intimidates me.... she's very beautiful. I'm giving it a rest, though. I don't see that it would really work out anyway... she is nice to me and, if nothing else, I'd at least like to keep that.

I'm not grieving my father at all... at least not in the way that maybe I should be. I didn't know him at all until I 16, but we have never been close. He was troubled and had tremendous issues with alcohol (not a simple alcoholic by any stretch). He took his own life a couple of weeks ago. I feel more guilt and shame than I do grief. I never knew that entire side of the family and it was awkward to be with them... I didn't feel like I should even be there.

My mother's side of the family is much spread out and I was never close with any of them either. My mother only speaks to me when she needs something from me. In short, I have no one to talk to about this... not that I would even know how to begin even I did.

I just don't want to end up like him. I know I'm troubled, but I want out of it.... in a better way.

I'll take a look at that article that you linked and see if it can help me out with chit chat.

Thanks again, Zech.
 

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I'm not grieving my father at all... at least not in the way that maybe I should be. I didn't know him at all until I 16, but we have never been close. He was troubled and had tremendous issues with alcohol (not a simple alcoholic by any stretch). He took his own life a couple of weeks ago. I feel more guilt and shame than I do grief. I never knew that entire side of the family and it was awkward to be with them... I didn't feel like I should even be there.
You may be right that you're not grieving exactly. But him commiting suicide - that is *huge* and you'll be feeling all manner of feelings, possibly quite complicated and contradictory feelings. No matter how poor the relationship between you and him, the reality will always be there that he was your father.

I'm hoping a therapist (or anyone) can help me sort out these things so that I can be OK with myself and find peace... so I can find it with everything outside of me. I can't figure it out on my own.
I agree completely. And you mentioned trying to contact a therapist in your first post. I think you have both long-standing issues to deal with and recent/current ones, especially your father's death.

A practical point - is money a factor here? ie the cost of therapy.

I just don't want to end up like him. I know I'm troubled, but I want out of it.... in a better way.
Well, i had a whole variety of problems/issues including a poor relationship with my father (who is now dead) and I was determined to find "a better way". Therapy helped me hugely, which is why i tend to recommend it so much. I maybe go OTT sometimes but i'm in little doubt that it would be very beneficial for you.

This girl in my office intimidates me.... she's very beautiful. I'm giving it a rest, though. I don't see that it would really work out anyway... she is nice to me and, if nothing else, I'd at least like to keep that.
I think that's pretty much what i was getting at in my last post.

Thanks again, Zech.
UR welcome. And good luck.
 

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sounds like social anxiety, it sounds like you need a big distraction and then maybe it will be time to talk to that therapist. Dont worry about being self-involved, you have acknowledged that you have a problem, you are going to take the steps to work through it. Right now is exactly the time to be self involved and determine why you do the things you do. Sometimes you have to help yourself so that you can be who other people need you to be.
 
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@Zech,

Financially, I do well enough for therapy to be affordable. I'm even fortunate enough that I work for a company that offers free internal counseling. They come to your office and everything, but... you can only have 6 session per year. Hardly adequate enough for me, but it's still something.

My biggest issue is with trust. I am unable to default to a position of giving a person the benefit of the doubt. Even though the whole point of going to a therapist is to work out very personal problems and provide very personal details, I still find it difficult to open up. A lot of the time, when I feel it's getting too personal, I'll just kind of make a joke of it; treat it like it's no big deal.

That's the hurdle for me to get over: Trusting this person enough without knowing anything about them and believing they will be able to help me help myself.

I made some effort to make "small talk" today. I was outside and one of the Executive Producers was out there, as well. It was awkward, but I just asked him about his role and the differences he felt from having, previously, been on the development side as opposed to now being on the publishing side.

Kinda intense for small talk, but I still want to get to know people... for real. He sorta gave the impression he was feeling quizzed, but he was compliant and gave his perspective and thoughts. I figure, it was better than standing there in complete silence.

I really do appreciate the time you've taken to reply to me. In it's own way, it has been some help, so thank you.

@Mendi,

I agree on the anxiety. My blood pressure skyrockets when other people are near me and I feel like I'm in a position where I might have to speak to them. Sometimes, if I'm passing someone in the hall, rather than say "hi" or wave or something "normal", I will look at the floor... at best, I will give a forced, stiff smile or wave... and then feel terrible. Especially if it someone I actually like. I'm convinced everyone thinks I'm an asshole as a result of this.... further down the spiral of feeling terrible, I go.

You mentioned a "big distraction". I couldn't agree more, but what would you suggest? I realize you don't know me, so possibilities are endless, but I have no idea what to do to take my mind off of things.
 
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@XperimntNterror, wow, what a lot you've been through. I'm so sorry for your recent loss.

I think @Zech gave some good thoughts on how to navigate through this time, as well as other posters on the thread. You have been through some trauma, and it will take time to heal. Connecting on here is a good thing, words of support and encouragement are important. I wish for you healing, and send faith that you will find peace of spirit. Sometimes we do not nurture ourselves nearly as well as we would nurture others, if given the chance.
 

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Hey man, something simillar to this happened to me a few years ago. I was in high school back then and I can relate to a lot of the things you are describing here. Well I will do my best to remember what helped me back then and tell you what I would have wanted to hear back then.
It may seem impersonal, but I have decided to do it like a list so it would be easier to read:

1.Don't put any kind of hope into God. Most people say it's good to be religious,and trust that God will help you resolve your problems, but I strongly disagree. After going throught a lot of problems for the last few years, this is my opinion aboout God: God gave us everything we need in order to be extraordinary when we wore born.During our lives he will never give us anything more. Also he put a lot of obstacles in our paths. But he only did that beacause God more than anything else is Curious. Curious if despite all the problems we face we will finally realize our potential.

2.Realize that you are not broken.There is nothing wrong with you. You are ok.You just have a lot of problems to deal with. And that's also normal.

3.Problems are there to be dealt with. And no matter how small they may seem to be, you got to deal with them. Now you are in a passive state. You are analyzing your problems, but not really taking any action. STOP THAT. Simply stop thinking so much.Just take action, do someting.Anything.

4.Do it one step at a time. Don't try to wake up the next morning and just "Be okay".
You are not in good shape: start doing push-ups. Now.
Youre house needs cleaning? Then clean it. Now.
You have no food? Then go and buy some. Now.
etc,etc.

5.Please believe me, even if it seems these things are not important compared to the "great scheme" they are CRUCIAL and they matter so much..........

As closing thoughts I realize that all I am saying here may be for nothing because you will probably not listen to me but please keep in mind this:

Now you are living in your head. You think too much about things that won't improve your life (like your theory about God).
Start "living in the present". Don't think about what you will realize by doing it, or if God would agree with it or whatever.
Simply do it and I will guarantee you that you will feel much better. And no matter what all the religions in the world say, BEING EGHOISTIC IS CRUCIAL FOR A HEALTHY LIFE.

PS: I hate it so much that I can't seem to explain my point better. But if you are just a little like me I really think that folowing my advice will help you,




5.
 

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Duuhhh you have social anxiety disorder...maybe even avoidance personality disorder. But worry not my friend, im an ENTP with similar issues. I know how you are feeling, but dont know what you want, because i want something different....

Yes, all of us with social anxiety disorder yearn for a connection to another human being, because we are deprived or this connection, but i see the mental issues as a barrier that keep me from attaining GLORY. Yes i want people to understand me, i know how you feel. You feel weird as fuck, incapable of being happy, and just tired in every sense of the word.

Ive recently been making some behavioral changes...kinda. With the advice of another thread i made, i have stopped giving a shit. Then, from recently getting off of antidepressents, i have discovered the emotion "anger". With "anger", i have been trying to learn how to express it. Tonight i did it by yelling at my mom and dad, which wasnt productive, but who cares! i FEEL better.

But, then i was still angry, and learned to channel that anger into energy. So thats what you do. GET ANGRY, and then do stuff that
 
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