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Hey guys, long time no see (though probably most you you don't know me).

So it's not that I've lost complete faith or hope, but right now life feels a bit meaningless. I got into grad school, have had zero motivation, am finishing my first semester finally after tears upon tears from papers and performance anxiety, and I'm left thinking is: "What's the point? Is this really what I want?"

I don't know if I can see this as something I want anymore, I mean, English teachers' lives revolve around deadlines and loads of papers, and such, and I already can't stand it. It's like, I like to write but as a hobby and more creatively, but I also need to make money and find a job that'll help me live.

I thought this was what I wanted and can't think of another option... Yet now more than ever, all I want is to enjoy life and find a community of people I like. The problem is, I don't how. I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to get out this hell. Do I embrace my circumstances or take a leap of faith?

When you feel lost in your own life, what do you do? Am I supposed to change it or change myself?
 

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I wish I could give you an answer that would solve all of your problems. I really do. However, I think the question you are asking is inevitable in life. It's a feeling that comes and goes as you live on, no matter what choices you make. I think these questions are asked when we are faced with the reality of our ideals. Whoa, this is it? This is all there is? and I've worked so hard for... this? A feeling of disappointment brings upon meaninglessness, in my experience (along with many other complex feelings). Now, I am not saying just because it's common that it's easy. I hate that feeling every time it comes.

Assuming you are in school (you mentioned grad school), I personally am better out of school. Although it is true that you will have deadlines and papers, but you will be interacting with your students instead of peers. It's possible you've narrowed your sight only onto deadlines and papers because that's the thing draining you right now. Try to remember why you wanted to become an English teacher in the first place. Try to think of the students who will look up to you.

Although I am not sure what you should do, I personally think it is easier to find different choices once you are out of school. Some do say you need to turn around early, but I don't agree with the statement. Life is long and there is time to try out different things. You can try teaching, and see if you really like it or dislike it. Life as a student and an employee is completely different.

In regards to writing and hobbies you would enjoy, I would suggest joining clubs related to your interests. If you join and start spending time with like-minded people, they will be able to guide you in the direction you enjoy or teach you shortcuts to the fields you may love.

I suppose I am leaning towards not taking the leap of faith, because you haven't tasted your goal quite yet. I don't think it would be too late to take the leap after you are sure you hate it. I think the feeling is something that comes no matter what you do. It's not that I am invalidating what you feel, because I know how miserable it is, but I also know it's inevitable. Since English teacher was something you chose and probably for a good reason, I want you to try it. It's possible that you feel hopeless due to current exhaustion.

If you really do hate it as a teacher though, do plan out an alternative and then you can take the leap of faith.

Good luck, I wish you the best.
 

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Hey guys, long time no see (though probably most you you don't know me).

So it's not that I've lost complete faith or hope, but right now life feels a bit meaningless. I got into grad school, have had zero motivation, am finishing my first semester finally after tears upon tears from papers and performance anxiety, and I'm left thinking is: "What's the point? Is this really what I want?"

I don't know if I can see this as something I want anymore, I mean, English teachers' lives revolve around deadlines and loads of papers, and such, and I already can't stand it. It's like, I like to write but as a hobby and more creatively, but I also need to make money and find a job that'll help me live.

I thought this was what I wanted and can't think of another option... Yet now more than ever, all I want is to enjoy life and find a community of people I like. The problem is, I don't how. I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to get out this hell. Do I embrace my circumstances or take a leap of faith?

When you feel lost in your own life, what do you do? Am I supposed to change it or change myself?
a25cbd6ae43c1947c80c895904ac4f48--logotherapy-viktor-frankl-viktor-frankl-quotes.jpg


First ^ that.

Then the books to study, not just get through the way we were pushed to get through books in school--something you know too much about, hence (perhaps) some of the burn-out: Trudging and drudgery you don't want to do 'for a living,' which means for a lifetime.

Karen Horney's books: Neurosis and Human Growth (most complete), then for referencing, get Neurotic Personality Of Our Time and Our Inner Conflicts.

She writes persuasively about what the state you're in is 'really' about underneath it all, and focuses on the work you need to do in order to grow out of it.

I am on my own course of growth: Slow, nothing miraculous, not something most are into--certainly not in today's world of quick fixes, but it's the real deal, what she talks about, and the steps too, for pulling ourselves--and if we can, finding someone to help us pull ourselves--out of a near hopeless state.

I don't know you personally, no; but I do know where you're at psychologically. And I imagine you're physically tired too.

And god knows, when we're so close to the problem, a solution seems remote, unreachable; sometimes it seems not worth the effort.

You, and it, are worth the kind of work it takes a life-time to do, so much more important than a money-making gig... as you intimate:

You want more than existing or subsisting.

I hope you get her books, and I wish you the best on your Hero's Journey.
 

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I wish I could give you an answer that would solve all of your problems. I really do. However, I think the question you are asking is inevitable in life. It's a feeling that comes and goes as you live on, no matter what choices you make. I think these questions are asked when we are faced with the reality of our ideals. Whoa, this is it? This is all there is? and I've worked so hard for... this? A feeling of disappointment brings upon meaninglessness, in my experience (along with many other complex feelings). Now, I am not saying just because it's common that it's easy. I hate that feeling every time it comes.

Assuming you are in school (you mentioned grad school), I personally am better out of school. Although it is true that you will have deadlines and papers, but you will be interacting with your students instead of peers. It's possible you've narrowed your sight only onto deadlines and papers because that's the thing draining you right now. Try to remember why you wanted to become an English teacher in the first place. Try to think of the students who will look up to you.

Although I am not sure what you should do, I personally think it is easier to find different choices once you are out of school. Some do say you need to turn around early, but I don't agree with the statement. Life is long and there is time to try out different things. You can try teaching, and see if you really like it or dislike it. Life as a student and an employee is completely different.

In regards to writing and hobbies you would enjoy, I would suggest joining clubs related to your interests. If you join and start spending time with like-minded people, they will be able to guide you in the direction you enjoy or teach you shortcuts to the fields you may love.

I suppose I am leaning towards not taking the leap of faith, because you haven't tasted your goal quite yet. I don't think it would be too late to take the leap after you are sure you hate it. I think the feeling is something that comes no matter what you do. It's not that I am invalidating what you feel, because I know how miserable it is, but I also know it's inevitable. Since English teacher was something you chose and probably for a good reason, I want you to try it. It's possible that you feel hopeless due to current exhaustion.

If you really do hate it as a teacher though, do plan out an alternative and then you can take the leap of faith.

Good luck, I wish you the best.
Wow, thank you very much. This is a very informative response because I'm coming to realize you're right: the let down of ideals is inevitable. Life is difficult and dreams are never what we expect.

I think what I'm hung up about is not trying to teach, but the process in order to become a teacher... This is looking like at least a 3-4 year program and I already am struggling with the education department. I don't like them, I don't like what they're about. But I love the idea of inspiring kids and authentically teach them.

Honestly, my only ray of sunshine has been an undergraduate English class, I think because I miss the subject. I'm also in a new city, new school, was unemployed for 11 months, and am just struggling with feeling isolated, depressed, or anxious in general... Perhaps I need to account for how the baggage of my stress has been effecting me instead of placing all the blame on the miserable hoops I have to jump through for this program.

Ugh, why is the education department even designed like this though? I'm not saying it's bad in every college, but this one is REALLY not doing the best job. I think they have too many students or something... but now I'm just afraid to even work here after the bleak nature of my schooling as well as observations.

I think my biggest fear is gritting my teeth through this whole process and suddenly realizing: "Oh, I really don't want this after all."
I just want to start living my life and not be in school forever...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
View attachment 748401


First ^ that.

Then the books to study, not just get through the way we were pushed to get through books in school--something you know too much about, hence (perhaps) some of the burn-out: Trudging and drudgery you don't want to do 'for a living,' which means for a lifetime.

Karen Horney's books: Neurosis and Human Growth (most complete), then for referencing, get Neurotic Personality Of Our Time and Our Inner Conflicts.

She writes persuasively about what the state you're in is 'really' about underneath it all, and focuses on the work you need to do in order to grow out of it.

I am on my own course of growth: Slow, nothing miraculous, not something most are into--certainly not in today's world of quick fixes, but it's the real deal, what she talks about, and the steps too, for pulling ourselves--and if we can, finding someone to help us pull ourselves--out of a near hopeless state.

I don't know you personally, no; but I do know where you're at psychologically. And I imagine you're physically tired too.

And god knows, when we're so close to the problem, a solution seems remote, unreachable; sometimes it seems not worth the effort.

You, and it, are worth the kind of work it takes a life-time to do, so much more important than a money-making gig... as you intimate:

You want more than existing or subsisting.

I hope you get her books, and I wish you the best on your Hero's Journey.
Great resource material; I'll certainly check those out.

I can change things around me, but it'll have to start with myself. Only when I get to a place where I want to be with me, then I might realize what I really want on the outside.
 

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@courageous_soul

You'll be OK if you do the work. Not fast, and lord knows I live what wanting it to happen faster feels like as well as acknowledging how much work I've left to do, while 'feeling' the failures, 'and' it's worth it. It really is worth it as this is the only way to do it:

Inside out, not outside in as you understand by what you wrote as your ending. :)
 

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@courageous_soul -

What helps me is to try not to take myself so seriously. I definitely have my moments of "what's the point?" I'm kind of in one right now, actually. It feels like my Ne is permanently asleep. I'm not really into myself right now, and I feel completely bored and blah about life and how things are going. Nothing is really churning up inside of me that I feel is worth anything. Nothing creative, no inspiration, nothing new - just nothingness. Haha.

I figure I can do one of two things with this crappy realization. 1) Freak out. Think of this as my fault and something I need to control. DO something. Or 2) Bank on experience which says "this too shall pass," and soon I will be back to my usual idea-loving self.

I am choosing 2 at the moment. It seems like I seem to find myself one way or another - freak out or not - and, I can't explain why these moments of blah appear or how long they will take or why they go away... but, they do seem to go away eventually. And, then there's me again.

Also, to add, for me - usually DOING something does not help. I know it does not make any sense, but it's like I think oh, I'll just skip my other functions and Te this (cause that's what everyone else does) and ignore my Fi. BAD call. Always a bad call. Fi will kick in and be like what the what. And, then I'll regret whatever impulsive Ne made me do. Not sure if this is really related to what you are talking about, but just came to me.
 
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@courageous_soul -

What helps me is to try not to take myself so seriously. I definitely have my moments of "what's the point?" I'm kind of in one right now, actually. It feels like my Ne is permanently asleep. I'm not really into myself right now, and I feel completely bored and blah about life and how things are going. Nothing is really churning up inside of me that I feel is worth anything. Nothing creative, no inspiration, nothing new - just nothingness. Haha.

I figure I can do one of two things with this crappy realization. 1) Freak out. Think of this as my fault and something I need to control. DO something. Or 2) Bank on experience which says "this too shall pass," and soon I will be back to my usual idea-loving self.

I am choosing 2 at the moment. It seems like I seem to find myself one way or another - freak out or not - and, I can't explain why these moments of blah appear or how long they will take or why they go away... but, they do seem to go away eventually. And, then there's me again.

Also, to add, for me - usually DOING something does not help. I know it does not make any sense, but it's like I think oh, I'll just skip my other functions and Te this (cause that's what everyone else does) and ignore my Fi. BAD call. Always a bad call. Fi will kick in and be like what the what. And, then I'll regret whatever impulsive Ne made me do. Not sure if this is really related to what you are talking about, but just came to me.
Wow, this is really helpful!

The whole "don't take yourself too seriously" is REALLY relevant to me. I think too much about everything and can sometimes be a bit too dramatic. Especially since the semester has ended, I'm feeling WAY better about everything because I'm realizing my THOUGHTS have been the culprit behind much of the misery.

I think I'm also feeling better because of an epiphany I had during the stress of yesterday: you can still do what you want despite anxiety. I actually wrote more poetry than I have in a while in the midst of enormous stress, so now the whole "you suck, you can't write" crap seems faulty. Probably what helped though was the displacement of stress on other projects rather than creative writing haha.

So bottom line, I guess I'm going to start being more active and just doing things despite feelings. If I think about what I should be doing too much, I shut down. I think it's because it allows time for the inner critic to but in with "you can't do that, you won't change, you suck." Seriously, I gotta stop listening to those thoughts... (going to therapy though soon! I'm pumped).

To comment on your last paragraph though, I GET IT TOO. Whenever I do something while ignoring my feelings, they either scream at me until I'm miserable or fill me with enormous regret after doing said thing. However, what I meant by "just doing things despite feelings" was referring to the anxiety and negativity which is probably preventing me from enjoying life or doing what I want to do. By NO MEANS did I mean ignore my values, morals, gut feelings or whatever you want to call them. I feel like death when I'm not acting in line with those...

Ne can be so cruel sometimes. The best idea ever can quickly turn into a Fi lecture afterwards: what have you done..?? :unsure:
 

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Hey, @courageous_soul, I wanted to post on your thread because you bloody remind me a lot of myself.

I fall into that habit of overthinking things, to the point of it halting any true progress. It truly is a crippling thing. And following that stint of over-deliberation on thoughts, I've also got a bad case of self-deprecation. I'm similar to you, in that I'm undertaking a Post-graduate degree, and hell almighty is it taxing. I shit you not.

The dead-lines, the papers, the rejection of said papers "Your research in this section of your thesis doesn't speak to A, I believe you're going to have to revise this again." It can be a very draining experience, wherein all your creative faculties are put on-hold in favor of scrupulous clinical writing. YOU MUST PRINT OVER 100 DRAFTS, REDLINE THEM ALL- MAKE WRITING BETTER ARGHHHHH!!!-

And speaking of creativity, I believe during that time of undertaking higher-research, it's bled into my methodology of art creation to the point of me criticizing EVERY aspect of any drawing I do. "This looks like shit, why do you even bother?" I'd be hearing my internal monologue within me say over and over again. I'm also admittedly isolated, I have a few distant friends, save for that... most of my socialization comes from immediate family members. My studies have been prioritized above every other aspect of my life, to the point of me neglecting my own ME time. What's my goal? I don't quite know. I keep pushing myself, because in my mind I just hope this path will lead me to a more comfortable life. It's kind of like going forth into the darkness, I don't honestly know what to expect and I don't know where the destination is, exactly... but when I get there, I'll know.

When I first came onto these forums, I was initially confused about my MBTI and a kind user said I fit into the INFP aspect well, however I was in a horrible TE grip. Reading your posts, I think you may be in the same situation too.

The TE grip manifests from stress, TE is kind of like our emergency function and our Worker-bee. It's like a special function wherein, using it in small doses can be absolutely exhilarating and enhance production of your life (I.E: Scheduling, and prioritizing tasks), but using too much of it will cripple you to hell. INFPs aren't too good with using TE, as it being our weakest function, it can be deceiving a lot of the time.

If you're curious on the TE grip, you're welcome to read my Thread here:

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/1186122-fellow-infps-how-do-i-get-out-dreaded-te-grip.html


A lot of kind users have given GREAT advice on how to snap out of the TE grip, and now finally on a break from studies... I've been trying these bits of advice out like clothes to see what fits in the process. They are working, albeit slowly... but hell, a difference is all I want.
 

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Have you considered speaking with a counselor? I'm assuming that your school has a mental health center. You could be experiencing depression, which is different than regular stress and sadness. I relate to phrases such as "I don't know how to get out this hell" and "(...) right now life feels a bit meaningless." Those can be difficult feelings to get yourself out of if it manifests into physical symptoms, like tiredness or moodiness. I can't diagnose you, ofc, but talking to someone IRL wouldn't hurt if this continues.
 

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I'm sorry you feel this way. Many times I've been caught at a cross roads of thinking that I wanted to do this particular thing as a job, but then as I started it, I realise there are a lot of mundane tasks I have to perform with it. For instance, I wanted to become a freelance journalist because I enjoyed writing articles from time to time for a friends website, but as I got further into it and got my first paying job, the pressure and stresses of constantly having to churn out quality work and re-pitch myself to clients was really exhausting. It made me question what was the point?

Since then I've kind of done that with every different job, never committing to it because it didn't live up to the idealised image I had in my head. It was only until recently, when I was about to move house far away that I took a gamble and volunteered to things I wouldn't usually do just to bump up my CV before I moved on, because I thought, even if I hated it, I would be leaving soon anyway. And you know, I ended up loving those jobs, one was in a shop the other as a gardener. They were two jobs I never would have thought about doing. To cut a long story short X-D I've learnt that if I'm constantly weighing up the pros and cons of something, I'll never truly know until I experience it.

I guess even when your circumstances feel like crap, there is a chance to find the positives in it.

I don't know if this helped courageous soul, but I wish you all the best!
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Have you considered speaking with a counselor? I'm assuming that your school has a mental health center. You could be experiencing depression, which is different than regular stress and sadness. I relate to phrases such as "I don't know how to get out this hell" and "(...) right now life feels a bit meaningless." Those can be difficult feelings to get yourself out of if it manifests into physical symptoms, like tiredness or moodiness. I can't diagnose you, ofc, but talking to someone IRL wouldn't hurt if this continues.
Yeah, I went to counseling my first semester. The school's counselor really wants me to go to group therapy for next semester since I'm a fairly isolated individual.

Thankfully, hitting a performance anxiety rock-bottom during finals convinced my mom I might need a professional psychiatrist, so she's going to pay for sessions I think. I've kind of been worried about myself in terms of anxiety and depression this past year, so I kind of want to get to the bottom of it...
 

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Hey, @courageous_soul, I wanted to post on your thread because you bloody remind me a lot of myself.

I fall into that habit of overthinking things, to the point of it halting any true progress. It truly is a crippling thing. And following that stint of over-deliberation on thoughts, I've also got a bad case of self-deprecation. I'm similar to you, in that I'm undertaking a Post-graduate degree, and hell almighty is it taxing. I shit you not.

The dead-lines, the papers, the rejection of said papers "Your research in this section of your thesis doesn't speak to A, I believe you're going to have to revise this again." It can be a very draining experience, wherein all your creative faculties are put on-hold in favor of scrupulous clinical writing. YOU MUST PRINT OVER 100 DRAFTS, REDLINE THEM ALL- MAKE WRITING BETTER ARGHHHHH!!!-

And speaking of creativity, I believe during that time of undertaking higher-research, it's bled into my methodology of art creation to the point of me criticizing EVERY aspect of any drawing I do. "This looks like shit, why do you even bother?" I'd be hearing my internal monologue within me say over and over again. I'm also admittedly isolated, I have a few distant friends, save for that... most of my socialization comes from immediate family members. My studies have been prioritized above every other aspect of my life, to the point of me neglecting my own ME time. What's my goal? I don't quite know. I keep pushing myself, because in my mind I just hope this path will lead me to a more comfortable life. It's kind of like going forth into the darkness, I don't honestly know what to expect and I don't know where the destination is, exactly... but when I get there, I'll know.

When I first came onto these forums, I was initially confused about my MBTI and a kind user said I fit into the INFP aspect well, however I was in a horrible TE grip. Reading your posts, I think you may be in the same situation too.

The TE grip manifests from stress, TE is kind of like our emergency function and our Worker-bee. It's like a special function wherein, using it in small doses can be absolutely exhilarating and enhance production of your life (I.E: Scheduling, and prioritizing tasks), but using too much of it will cripple you to hell. INFPs aren't too good with using TE, as it being our weakest function, it can be deceiving a lot of the time.

If you're curious on the TE grip, you're welcome to read my Thread here:

http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/1186122-fellow-infps-how-do-i-get-out-dreaded-te-grip.html


A lot of kind users have given GREAT advice on how to snap out of the TE grip, and now finally on a break from studies... I've been trying these bits of advice out like clothes to see what fits in the process. They are working, albeit slowly... but hell, a difference is all I want.
The TE thing you mentioned hit the nail on the head haha.

I continually feel this "desperation," like everything that needs to be done should happen right then and there. So feeling overwhelmed by the impulse, I kind of just shut down and do nothing instead. Plus, doing nothing is easier (though the thoughts eat me alive simultaneously haha).
 
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