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I’m separated and planning to divorce my wife after 15 years. She’s INTJ. She promised to change things about herself, and I believed her. But she didn’t change. I think I resented her for years but wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. Now I feel used. I moved in with my ESFJ mom. I’m grateful for a place to stay, but she can be overly caretaking, asking if there’s anything she can get me.
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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I’m separated and planning to divorce my wife after 15 years. She’s INTJ. She promised to change things about herself, and I believed her. But she didn’t change. I think I resented her for years but wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. Now I feel used. I moved in with my ESFJ mom. I’m grateful for a place to stay, but she can be overly caretaking, asking if there’s anything she can get me.
Well, you marry someone because you love them the way they are, not the way you want them to be. If you married them because you expected them to change, I'm afraid you can't blame them for that. You have to blame you. I'm sure there were other things going on. It's a two-way street. My marriage of 15 years imploded too.
 
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Well, you marry someone because you love them the way they are, not the way you want them to be. If you married them because you expected them to change, I'm afraid you can't blame them for that. You have to blame you. I'm sure there were other things going on. It's a two-way street. My marriage of 15 years imploded too.
You’re right. I didn’t love her. I was lonely and got caught up in it and married for the wrong reasons. It was all wrong and negatively affected my jobs and family. I can only blame myself for it all. Pity party. Too bad.
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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You’re right. I didn’t love her. I was lonely and got caught up in it and married for the wrong reasons. It was all wrong and negatively affected my jobs and family. I can only blame myself for it all. Pity party. Too bad.
The important part is what did you learn from it and can you find the courage to try again?
 
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Well, you marry someone because you love them the way they are, not the way you want them to be. If you married them because you expected them to change, I'm afraid you can't blame them for that. You have to blame you. I'm sure there were other things going on. It's a two-way street. My marriage of 15 years imploded too.
Wise words. If you want to have a good relationship you better love the person you married and not try to change who they really are. Being on PerC people here understand this a little more, but out in most of the world, you hear of a lot of people trying to get their s.o. to be different. Just leads to resentment on both sides.
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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15,432 Posts
Wise words. If you want to have a good relationship you better love the person you married and not try to change who they really are. Being on PerC people here understand this a little more, but out in most of the world, you hear of a lot of people trying to get their s.o. to be different. Just leads to resentment on both sides.
I learned this lesson the hard way, perhaps the only way for some lessons to be learned.
 
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