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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm rather socially awkward in general and socially anxious and I feel quite stupid in social situations. I think it's because I can't express myself properly or that I seem shallow and dull to others since I don't speak up easily and have nothing much to say or add or have an opinion on the topic.
I always look at people who speak well and can express themselves and think that it's easy but when I do it it's just pathetic. I guess I don't even try enough but I also feel like I have no idea what to even do or talk about. I get stuck immediately. And when I try I think afterwards that I tried too much and it was only awkward. I seriously have no confidence in speaking.

Anybody knows how to get over this?
 

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Try small. Start talking with a few friends at the same time, ask if you did look awkward and, if you did, how you could change it. Then try bigger. I don't think there is a magic trick. Confidence is both mental strength and habits.
 

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Yeah, I had this problem when I was younger... I think it was a mostly an anxiety problem. Let's say age 0-25, the anxiety tapered down over time as I became more confident.

These days I don't really care to be sympathetic to the normal type of surface level discussion. I will intentionally keep the conversation brief, or simply humor the topic with simple solutions.

Dude, you need to own your nerdiness. People respect me because I am able to just dominate with my awkward, yet insightful and intellectual personality. I don't even have to excuse myself for my sometimes abrasive remarks.

The key is confidence, and then everything follows if you can also prove to be competent. The reason why people typically don't take us types seriously, is because we're typically not confident, and that seriously damages people's opinion of us, you know, its simply an evolutionary thing to follow and appreciate a confident person.

I think confidence is more attractive than tits and ass, you know, within reason.
 

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Or you could accept what you're not good with, and work with what you are. In other words, find the things that put you in "flow" inspiration/excitment/energy. Do those, and do them often. (They're probably solitary activities, yes?) Then you'll have something to show people and/or people will know who you are, and the more extroverted among them will try to draw you out, with some success.

We can't all be good talkers. I admire my extrovert husband who is, but I also admire my ex who is an introvert and really and truly did not give a damn what people thought about his lack of social skills. He attracted people like a magnet, too. I aspired to be more like him.

So either way you go, self-acceptance is key. Easier said than done, so achievement helps (not necessarily achievement that impresses others, but achievements that impress yourself.)
 

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Pretty much what Mindbot said: Talking and interacting is a skill and can be learnt, like anything else. Well, unless you're severely autistic. If so, then, you're fucked.

The only thing I can think of doing is to go into a store everyday and buy something, forcing yourself to process that brief exchange of words and facial expressions with the cashier, allowing your brain to normalize socializing over time. After you become comfortable with cashiers find something that could become an open conversation, say for instance sitting next to a stranger in a coffee shop and asking them a question. I guess the easiest way to do this is to find someone who is doing something you could attempt to make a conversation out of. Sometimes I like to go to coffee shops and write, and I've often fantasized about a stranger asking me what I'm writing about, though not everybody will be so eager to talk about what they're doing as I am. It's a risk, but could pay off. Maybe you'll meet somebody interesting.
 

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Tell me about it. Looking dumbstruck and bewildered is a natural expression of mine.

Just two days ago I think a Swedish incestuous sibling couple hit on me. I tried to make sense out of it, but this is the only solution that fits everyone's behavior and what they said. But it's too bloody crazy to be true, right? Oh well, at least I got free drinks out of it, because except from that I did little aside from standing there with my mouth open, trying to make sense out of things.
 

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Without the anxiety and feeling stupid, yes I still experience this. Sometimes I'm at a complete loss as to what to say, it usually has a direct link to having nothing to say since the conversation at hand is boring me; although not always, often there really is simply nothing to say.

That's socialising - a bullshit system based upon saying something, anything, to which others can respond and so on. Maybe you'll benefit from being the conversation starter, thus you'll raise a topic you already considered prior to engaging in conversation. Of course, this is more applicable to social circles you're often around. Look for patterns in subject content and appropriateness. If you don't want to initiate, then ask bland questions and start off from there. You'll find your social niche and conversation will come easily. You don't need to prattle on; there's nothing wrong with being more of a listener in social situations.

Generally, the rule is exactly the one that's been pointed out above - practice makes perfect.
 
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Tell me about it. Looking dumbstruck and bewildered is a natural expression of mine.

Just two days ago I think a Swedish incestuous sibling couple hit on me. I tried to make sense out of it, but this is the only solution that fits everyone's behavior and what they said. But it's too bloody crazy to be true, right? Oh well, at least I got free drinks out of it, because except from that I did little aside from standing there with my mouth open, trying to make sense out of things.
I experienced a deja vu when reading this post. As if I had read it before. Strange. :unsure:
 

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I'm rather socially awkward in general and socially anxious and I feel quite stupid in social situations. I think it's because I can't express myself properly or that I seem shallow and dull to others since I don't speak up easily and have nothing much to say or add or have an opinion on the topic.
I always look at people who speak well and can express themselves and think that it's easy but when I do it it's just pathetic. I guess I don't even try enough but I also feel like I have no idea what to even do or talk about. I get stuck immediately. And when I try I think afterwards that I tried too much and it was only awkward. I seriously have no confidence in speaking.

Anybody knows how to get over this?
Most of the time, there's no need to say anything. Why must you adjust to other people and not the other way around? The world is insanely chatty. If there's space, people would try to fill it. Why not simply enjoy the silence instead of filling it with words? I am more likely to enjoy being around a quiet person, like you, than a chatty one. But of course, being a quiet person, my opinion does not matter, right?

To answer your question, consider speaking as a skill that requires practice and meditation. People who talk a lot are naturally confident at it, and forcing yourself to act confidence would drain your energy.

I have given up on many things, and being a social, talkative person is one of them. It is just not my nature to talk unless it's necessary (or very unnecessary, like trolling). It's just not an enjoyable activity.
 

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Here's something that can help you quite a bit:
Not being afraid of screwing things up, and internalizing that nobody really cares if you're awkward goes a long way towards improving social performance. Anxiety is the bull in our china shop. The moment I stopped caring, eloquence came more readily.

That being said, I still have moments where my mind goes blank when speaking in public, and tend to be more or less nagged by the "I really should not be here" stab of self consciousness in situations involving large groups of people, both online and offline.
 

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Tell me about it. Looking dumbstruck and bewildered is a natural expression of mine.
lol, that's my response look when someone I don't really know well greets me and I don't know how to greet back. Or just if I have nothing to say in response to someone telling me something.

(but eww to the rest of your post 'cos um eww!)
@voron maybe you should get into some practice situations where you DO have something to say because you're interested. Like a specific meet on something you're into. It's difficult when it's just general socialzing with no focus (socializing for the sake of being social), but when it's around a shared interest (lazy example - book club)

Contrary to many peoples views I disagree with the forcing thing, trying to practice a lot. The more you DO, the more false it seems. So doing less is doing better if that makes sense, like try less. Before social interactions I meditate briefly and find it helps me to be more relaxed, natural and ok with however it goes. If I don't talk much and don't respond much then I'm completely ok with that. And the people around me are too as well. They don't sense my discomfort, they just see a person being comfortably themselves, and therefore they're at ease too and don't think I'm weird...usually!! And they take me how I am.
If I don't do any mindfulness or mediation, any exchange feels forced, very unnatural, I say things that don't seem me at all because everything's just sticking and not flowing. And I feel put on the spot, scrutinized and have stage fright.And I feel super self conscious and I can feel that others feel it too.
The 'I know that you know that I know' feeling, blerk.
 

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lol, that's my response look when someone I don't really know well greets me and I don't know how to greet back. Or just if I have nothing to say in response to someone telling me something.
And when someone asks something of you while the person next to you expects something else and you want to be able to help both but both wishes are conflicting with each other and you have to pick. And when someone says your name but you can't remember who the fuck they are but don't want to be rude.
 

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And when someone asks something of you while the person next to you expects something else and you want to be able to help both but both wishes are conflicting with each other and you have to pick. And when someone says your name but you can't remember who the fuck they are but don't want to be rude.
lolz.
"Heyyyyyyy, ...
...you"
 

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lolz.
"Heyyyyyyy, ...
...you"
Exactly. Luckily, there's so many things you can replace a guy's name with. You can be like "DUDE WHATS UP" back and through that skip the renaming seremony, while with girls, there are no such help words like that. Saying "What's up girl?" is just awkward.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Dude, you need to own your nerdiness. People respect me because I am able to just dominate with my awkward, yet insightful and intellectual personality. I don't even have to excuse myself for my sometimes abrasive remarks.

The key is confidence, and then everything follows if you can also prove to be competent. The reason why people typically don't take us types seriously, is because we're typically not confident, and that seriously damages people's opinion of us, you know, its simply an evolutionary thing to follow and appreciate a confident person.

I think confidence is more attractive than tits and ass, you know, within reason.
You have a good point there.

Or you could accept what you're not good with, and work with what you are. In other words, find the things that put you in "flow" inspiration/excitment/energy. Do those, and do them often. (They're probably solitary activities, yes?) Then you'll have something to show people and/or people will know who you are, and the more extroverted among them will try to draw you out, with some success.

So either way you go, self-acceptance is key. Easier said than done, so achievement helps (not necessarily achievement that impresses others, but achievements that impress yourself.)
Yes, self-acceptance is still in the progress. It has taken a long time and still takes to even admit to myself that I'm just not born with these skills and that I happen to have social anxiety.

We should make a sister thread and call it - Feeling social in stupid situations

I remember a time when a situation was dumb, and I had to verbalize just how much I disliked it, because it was registering as pain.
Hah indeed, definitely can relate to that too.

So doing less is doing better if that makes sense, like try less. Before social interactions I meditate briefly and find it helps me to be more relaxed, natural and ok with however it goes. If I don't talk much and don't respond much then I'm completely ok with that. And the people around me are too as well. They don't sense my discomfort, they just see a person being comfortably themselves, and therefore they're at ease too and don't think I'm weird...usually!! And they take me how I am.
If I don't do any mindfulness or mediation, any exchange feels forced, very unnatural, I say things that don't seem me at all because everything's just sticking and not flowing. And I feel put on the spot, scrutinized and have stage fright.And I feel super self conscious and I can feel that others feel it too.
The 'I know that you know that I know' feeling, blerk.
I should probably try to use meditation as this kind of tool more often. I've been actually told that my presence and body language emits uncomfort and gives signs that I really want to be alone and get away from there etc. (yet another anxiety issue)
 
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Преимущество ворона в том, что он - в вышине.
 
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Most of the time, there's no need to say anything. Why must you adjust to other people and not the other way around? The world is insanely chatty. If there's space, people would try to fill it. Why not simply enjoy the silence instead of filling it with words? I am more likely to enjoy being around a quiet person, like you, than a chatty one. But of course, being a quiet person, my opinion does not matter, right?

To answer your question, consider speaking as a skill that requires practice and meditation. People who talk a lot are naturally confident at it, and forcing yourself to act confidence would drain your energy.

I have given up on many things, and being a social, talkative person is one of them. It is just not my nature to talk unless it's necessary (or very unnecessary, like trolling). It's just not an enjoyable activity.
You took the words right out of my mouth. We were made introverts and extroverts for a reason. We do not have to stress ourselves out trying to be the opposite type.
 

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Try small. Start talking with a few friends at the same time, ask if you did look awkward and, if you did, how you could change it. Then try bigger. I don't think there is a magic trick. Confidence is both mental strength and habits.
This is a golden advice and very useful. I worked that way on myself and am still working on myself that way.

It takes a lot of time and in what better way to boost your confidence than in that way?
 
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