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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm an INFP and I've fallen for an INTJ. So I guess INTJ's have high standards... The thing is I want to be hers. But I don't think I measure up to her standards right now. If I improve myself do you think it could turn around? There was this whole ordeal when we were going on a date. She seemed a bit distraught over the idea, but she was open. Because I wanted her to be comfortable and I really cared about her, I called it off. When I did that and told her I cared a lot about her, she said she sees me as "more of a friend." I mean this is textbook pining for a love...but I cant get her out of my head. Shes so cute, and kind. And I can see the glowing person inside. I want to be there to assure her shes beautiful and great! I feel like such a fool because I was blinded by cliche views of "what is beautiful" and didn't see her as an option, but as I got to know her Not only was she so beautiful on the inside...I saw how beautiful she was on the outside as well. It's very Ironic that I don't meet her standards...

A few days ago she and my friends were at the hot tub.. Some "muscle guy" was doing pull ups, and she was gawking ridiculously. I'm sort of disgusted by it. Why have I grown and she hasn't? I mean, shes a beautiful person, but it seems she was just as shallow as I was sometimes. It's confusing especially because it Juxtaposes her general deep nature as an INTJ.

So in conclusion. I have a hard time moving on from things like this because I'm an INFP, but I don't want to give up on her. Ive gotten a bit out of shape since I started college life and I'm wondering if I slim down will that help? Or am I just projecting things that will never be there.

I stress though, she is a deep person. We have conversations about deep topics all the time...Its just that one thing that bothers me, and tempts me to feel inadequate.
 

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How well do you really know her? You seem to be suggesting that you can read her mind which I highly doubt. While she may have gawked at the muscle guy, do you know why she did that? Was it that he looked odd and she enjoyed studying his form? Was it that he reminded her of someone in her past? You don't know the story there likely and this is a key point. Be careful if you try to go meet her standards only to discover that in trying to do so you'll never meet them. I don't mean that as a trick as much as that there is the possibility of her asking for some changes that in doing them you become someone you aren't which would be highly unattractive, IMO.

My suggestion would be to get to know her and see if she has let you in to her view of the world. This isn't an easy place to but it could be just where you want to be to see what you could do. What may make sense there could vary quite a bit though.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
How well do you really know her? You seem to be suggesting that you can read her mind which I highly doubt. While she may have gawked at the muscle guy, do you know why she did that? Was it that he looked odd and she enjoyed studying his form? Was it that he reminded her of someone in her past? You don't know the story there likely and this is a key point. Be careful if you try to go meet her standards only to discover that in trying to do so you'll never meet them. I don't mean that as a trick as much as that there is the possibility of her asking for some changes that in doing them you become someone you aren't which would be highly unattractive, IMO.

My suggestion would be to get to know her and see if she has let you in to her view of the world. This isn't an easy place to but it could be just where you want to be to see what you could do. What may make sense there could vary quite a bit though.
Ive known her for about a year. We do talk a lot... I hang out with her every day. And Ive been the one to talk to her when no one else listens. She does seem to talk about guy's looks a lot (in that case with the guy at the pool, she said that was the reason why). But I know for a fact she values intelligence, competence and a reasonable degree of compassion. Maybe shes just a bit immature? I mean all of us just came out of high school... I know I cannot read her motives (only her momentary emotions). She tells us she not 100 open and doesn't know how to express herself. shes a very complex and beautiful person, but like all shes imperfect.

Thank you though, I need to learn to give people the benefit of the doubt.
 

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I can't really comment on the rest of your post, but I wanted to say something about the issue you have about the muscle guy in the pool.

A guy can have supermodel looks, but if he's dumb as a box of rocks and can't keep me mentally stimulated, I'm not interested. But that doesn't mean that if he walks into the room I'm not going to look. Of course I'm going to look if an incredibly attractive guy is nearby! Duh. Probably more like stare hungrily...but does that make me shallow? Not necessarily. It just means I'm human...as is the INTJ you're interested in.

And believe me, it can work the other way too. I've met guys who otherwise weren't all that great a person, but all I could see was their really hot, massive, giant, throbbing...brain. I mean, it's bad enough that my INTP buddy once gestured at his forehead and said "My eyes are down here." I felt pretty skeezy after he put it that way. :blushed: And justifiably so. Shallow merely means that we've stuck to the shallow surface of that person - we haven't truly examined their depths.

And as jbking said, you don't know the situation; there may be more to the situation than what it appears to be on the surface.

That being said, best of luck to you. :happy:
 

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Don't change yourself for her. Do it for you if anything. Also, get out of her head. You have no business there.
 
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Measure up to what standards, exactly. Is this all about looks?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
Don't change yourself for her. Do it for you if anything. Also, get out of her head. You have no business there.
Oops something went wrong with my computer, the post after this one is the real reply.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Don't change yourself for her. Do it for you if anything. Also, get out of her head. You have no business there.
Yea I'm not in her head. I'm not that pretentious. Like any IN shes too freaking complex to read. I just respect her emotions and facilitate them. Most things I know about her, came from her own mouth. But yea, she does focus way too much on body type sometimes. I mean from what I know about me and her, that might be the only reason she didn't want to go past friends (still a speculation). Im going to get back in shape for heath and happiness reasons regardless. If its my personalty, I can't do much other than"tone it down" and reach a personal balance. I might be ridiculous, considering "you can't make someone fall for you" However, part of me doesn't want to give up trying though. I don't really know whats there 100% so I don't want to throw my feelings away.
 

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What the hell do you need advice for? She has indicated that she sees you more as a friend and doesn't really put that much effort into you as you do her. The scales between you and her are not equal and never will be. Move on, it's that simple and stop wishing, hoping and dreaming. There are numerous signs already in your initial first post that just scream "red flag" and "won't work."
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
What the hell do you need advice for? She has indicated that she sees you more as a friend and doesn't really put that much effort into you as you do her. The scales between you and her are not equal and never will be. Move on, it's that simple and stop wishing, hoping and dreaming. There are numerous signs already in your initial first post that just scream "red flag" and "won't work."
I guess your right. Live for myself, improve myself, enjoy her as she is. If anything changes as we grow and develop. It will happen, if it doesn't (it will hurt like hell), it doesn't. At that point I should accept her as a friend. The concept of "never" is crushing though.

Thank you, sometimes a punch in the face is what we need to wake up.
 

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Thank you, sometimes a punch in the face is what we need to wake up.
Then you're in good hands, because there's none better than antiant at that. :crazy:

And I hate to throw a cliche piece of advice at you, but you're in college. There are sooooo many more women out there. Find one that actually appreciates you, because someone who doesn't isn't worth your time. Like I said, it's cliche...but it's the exact same advice I would give myself if I could send a message back in time.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
Then you're in good hands, because there's none better than antiant at that. :crazy:

And I hate to throw a cliche piece of advice at you, but you're in college. There are sooooo many more women out there. Find one that actually appreciates you, because someone who doesn't isn't worth your time. Like I said, it's cliche...but it's the exact same advice I would give myself if I could send a message back in time.
LOL The ratio is 1 to 7. Female to male. Regardless shes great, and I like being around her. I shouldn't have a plan, I should just live and enjoy what comes my way. Thank you.
 
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