Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
54 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm just curious on how you guys deal with loneliness? Do you often feel lonely because of our introverted nature?
If I force myself to mingle, it almost always ends up with exhaustion, meanwhile your close circle of friends will not always be there for you -cos sometimes they're busy with their life too. How do you usually deal with it? Inspire me...
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
137 Posts
This will be a quick post.. But... Embrace loneliness! I think it's the best way to deal with it. It will end up empowering you instead of draining you. Now I know what I said is kind of "eh" so let me try to explain. By embrace loneliness I mean that when you are alone, try not to start feeling lonely. Instead try to feel yourself and all the factors that make up who you are. Try to find some appreciation for things that you may not see as vividly when with other people. I like taking walks and just looking up at the blue sky and clouds. Honestly I don't know if this post helped much. Oh, maybe get a pet or start watering some plants. Talking to plants is actuay good for them because you exhale carbon dioxide which they need. And I guess if you're still lonely there's always people here for you on the forums... Just try not to abuse that xD.

But anyway good luck with everything and all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
802 Posts
I've struggled with loneliness a lot this year. What I've started doing is forcing myself out of the house. Even if I'm not directly interacting with other people, sitting in a cafe or a restaurant where other people are nearby tends to perk me up.

Also, I'm trying to branch out and meet more people so that I'm not overly-dependent on my few close friends. When I'm not always available, then they tend to value time with me more.

When all else fails, I spend spend time with my rabbit. :happy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
428 Posts
When all else fails, I spend spend time with my rabbit. :happy:
Oh you have a rabbit? What's its name?

I used to struggle with loneliness. But then I created my purpose in life and although I am alone for long stretches of time, I hardly feel lonely.

But in the event that I do, I know I can always drop by PerC and chat with my fellow INFJs. When you are amongst people who understand you, loneliness becomes a thing of the past.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
630 Posts
I don't think loneliness is unhealthy, but it is definitely not something I long for.
I often feel lonely, but although it is somehow related to my introversion it is not dependent on it. I believe it is more related to my expectations on the others and unwilling to do mistakes that I am obsessed with, so I rather prefer the others to 'lead' our relationships, even though sometimes they won't: they expect me the same thing I expect from them and it leads us to nowhere.
I usually feel exhausted with more than 2 friends around, but I don't need so many, for me one best would be enough :happy:
On the practical side, when I feel like falling apart because of loneliness, I go to sleep and do things that I won't in real life, because I know that the dreamworld is a place where I can never make mistakes or my expectations always get rewarded (and I would like the real world to be this way too).
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,794 Posts
I think I've always been a bit of loner/lonely.

I really want to have a few close friends but I haven't found any yet.

As a child I only had one or two close friends and as s teenager I had a group of friends that I hung out with but I always felt like I could never connect with them. I can be very uptight and expect more of myself than other people do sometimes. With past friends I often felt that what I contributed to the group was never good enough and no one really listened. Eventually I gave up and since leaving school I haven't made any new friends.

At the moment my family are my friends, which I don't mind because I feel that I can trust them...even if I don’t always get on them. I find that even when I fall out with my family we are quick to forgive and move on. Where as with friends it’s harder for me to forgive and forget.

I think we need to learn to accept our limitations. For example I worked full time for a while and I found this far too stressful. Working part time however allowed me enough time to spend time on my own thinking things through and re-charging my batteries.

I have learnt a lot about myself. Perhaps it’s something that comes with age. (I’m 22 and I feel like a very different person to the 19 year old me).

I'm going to university in September, which I’m looking forward to. Perhaps I'll find some like-minded people there. I just don't want people to get offended if I don't want to socialise all the time.

Sorry I didn’t expect to write so much. I hope the above is in some way useful to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
I think it is helpful to not force yourself to mingle if you're feeling that way. It seems like the obvious solution, but I've never found it to actually take loneliness away. I am not sure, because this is something I don't understand, but my tendency is to say that loneliness is simply a form of fear or anxiety, and considered as such, treatments which work to calm fear and anxiety help loneliness too. Loneliness will make my mind very active and eager to find a solution, but I have not found this activity helpful. One thing that I think has helped is to not take it personally if you feel that way. Loneliness is very singular and to the individual, and so it is very easy to take personally, as though you are directly isolated. Considering it as something which is not so personal I think has been helpful. It's just something you are experiencing, but says nothing about you other than that you are a bit afraid is all. So no worries.

It is true that I would like to understand this better myself, so I'll be listening in if anyone else has good experience with this. ;-)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,097 Posts
but when i do feel lonely, I will just silently hangout with someone i like til i feel better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
619 Posts
As someone has mentioned before, embrace being lonely. It's natural, and I think that you can do a lot of things while you're lonely. I just fall into my idealistic world until I'm not lonely anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
836 Posts
we have 'weird' social connections don't we? ...like several close friends, and a handful of serious romantic partners spread over a lifetime.

quality, not quantity.

so i would think that it is easy to be lonely as an infj. between romantic partners? lonely. close friends move away? lonely. maybe everyone is busy with their own lives? lonely.

but within those small number of connections, there is something truly great.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
118 Posts
I'm very introverted, generally no less than 85% on the tests. Around 95% normally.

So I don't get lonely too often. But that feeling when nobody understands you or you need to express deep feelings (we all know this feeling) is what I feel, same with being single.

I just find something creative like violin, guitar, or art. I cuddle with a pillow sometimes... I feel a lot better it's really weird. It's kinda weird/sad but that doesn't too often. I sleep with one for comfort though (I sleep a lot better with an extra pillow that I'm hugging, I sleep on my side).

i play xbox live with my best friends that ive never even met in real life lol. Its the best thing in the world for an introverted teenager
My mom HATES me for this. I know most of my friends from school and such though, but I really don't hang out with them more than once or twice a month. It's a lot of work and I really don't need to other than to maintain relationships. We talk like every few days or more.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
167 Posts
Loneliness gives me a reason to balance aspects of myself that keep me from socializing. I accept my existing perspective of things is short of optimal and open myself for change. Usually it is because I am not sending enough energy out as I am taking in, which in Myers Brigg terms would translate to a disproportion between Ni+Ti and Fe+Se. But like some other people have already suggested, lonelyness has its own chilling rewards. It helps me reel out poetic, albeit melancholic, thoughts that enrich my perspectives of life.
Also the way I see it, people are only as far away from you as you see...
I hope you find your own peace with loneliness, Bodhitree.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
142 Posts
Oh man I can relate to this. I still feel lonely often and don't know what to do with it. I think as I get older, I'm just more okay with being alone. =/
i can relate to that, im not sure if its a good thing or bad....yet.

i joke with my close friend that i could go live in the middle of the forest and be completely fine with it, only go into the city to see friends or get supplies but lately i've been feeling the loneliness bug (partly why i joined this forum) just because i see all my friends getting married and having children. (just found out another is having a child a few hrs ago) im very happy for them and proud of them but.... im starting to feel like the "3rd wheel" (for lack of a better title) my friends will admit that im the one that has "everything together" but im feel like im missing..."something" i go out with girls my own age and so far.. nothing as in.. most are looking for a good time or me to "take care" of them. my best relationships are with older women (30-40) but they ether have children already and have already "been there"

i feel... emotionally lonely. im ready to "plant roots" but don't see anyone to plant them with.
wow... i never mention this stuff to anyone.:unsure:
sometimes i think my "legacy" will be my "public work/social services " and not family and children. :frustrating:

normally when i feel lonely i just try and keep busy.. with work, creating music..anything to keep my mind not thinking about it (lol maybe that's why i have done at 24 what takes a lot of people till their 40's to do)
wow.. i feel really naked putting this "out there":laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
I don't think loneliness is unhealthy, but it is definitely not something I long for.
I often feel lonely, but although it is somehow related to my introversion it is not dependent on it. I believe it is more related to my expectations on the others and unwilling to do mistakes that I am obsessed with, so I rather prefer the others to 'lead' our relationships, even though sometimes they won't: they expect me the same thing I expect from them and it leads us to nowhere.
I usually feel exhausted with more than 2 friends around, but I don't need so many, for me one best would be enough :happy:
On the practical side, when I feel like falling apart because of loneliness, I go to sleep and do things that I won't in real life, because I know that the dreamworld is a place where I can never make mistakes or my expectations always get rewarded (and I would like the real world to be this way too).
Yes i totally relate to this. Also I do the opposite of forcing myself to mingle, I fantasise about having someone to "save me" hahaha. Our minds are tricking us to believe it's more unbearable than it really is :/ Many people go to extreme lengths to mingle and consume in vain attempts to forget themselves and their loneliness but the truth is we are always alone, neither are we completely alone. What we're trying to escape from is what we're yearning to be reconciled with most, with or without contact with external stimuli. Extraverted culture is susceptible to alienating us from the fundamental familiarity of this connection, inciting instead an all or nothing approach to completeness.

For me loneliness stems from a timid self-image and a deep feeling of insignificance regarding incompatibility in relationships, the inability to make a difference for society, and coping with time's indifference in humble attempts to liberate our perceptions. Even though infjs aren't known for being status conscious I believe it affects my perception of what it means to have my experiences validated by others vs being validated by my own experiences as an end in themselves. My loneliness is driven by a desire to be something greater than I am, for even local connections and simple experiences to feel richer and more alive.. I am always faced with the dilemma.. if you aren't motivated to harness that creative potential and share yourself with the world, you have to somehow convince yourself none of that will make a difference to the meaning and significance you already place upon your inner life, taming your expectations for the better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,325 Posts
My advice, grab a movie and go through an adventure with the characters. It helps you forget about your loneliness. I'm always inspired by great feature animation, movies, or any story really. I like stories about struggles, I think all INFJ's can relate... so that's why I enjoy watching movies (especially pixar!) about characters experiencing a struggle and overcoming them.

A more long term solution is that I've set some goals for my life and pursue them. Find something you're passionate about that doesn't rely on another person's response/attention span/reciprocation. If you can pour your heart and love into your work while keeping your life open to the people you meet along the way... you'll turn around and realize you weren't alone after all.

Truth of the matter is... you have ONE consciousness. We are alone in our minds... but we are not alone in our communions; only if we lock ourselves away from those things and only if our consciousness refuses to enjoy those moments that are shared.

I think a lot of our feeling of loneliness sometimes stems from an inability to experience the 'now'. I don't know that it's introversion? Or maybe it is...

We withdraw into our minds, disengage with people (especially in social gatherings), and begin to self-examine or analyze our situation. While Suzie and Joe are talking about the baseball game with us at the barbecue, we're standing in-between thinking "baseball... is that all they can talk about? Gosh.... this is so stupid. I want to talk about something deeper. I want to find my soul mate... I can't do this... god I feel so lonely right now" and thinking millions of thoughts per second .. feeling lonlier and lonlier while Suzie and Joe are having a great time connecting (they can probably taste the barbecue sauce burning in the air but we're too busy in our heads to notice how delicious barbecue is.. I mean honestly, it's DELICIOUS!). Suzie and Joe are enjoying the 'moment' for what it actually is... a moment, a fleeting moment... a fleeting moment that if we don't appreciate, we lose it. When you lose it, you feel even lonelier. It's a cycle.

I use to be exhausted going out and meeting people because my brain was doing a million processes while everybody else was probably doing 1% of that. I burned out easily (mentally) and all I did was stand around. It's silly really! Let go of your mind, pour some ice on the CPU, don't take it so seriously, relax, be a little care free.... let the situation flow naturally and if it ain't happening lets leave. Won't be so tiring if we approach the situation by allowing the least amount of mental trauma :laughing:

I've learn to curb the lonliness that I experience with my friends by switching my focus from my mind, to what's going on.. If we're out to eat, I'll close my eyes, taste the food. Imagine poloroids of the places the food may have been eaten.. Paris, London, France. Smell the dessert, experience the moment with your senses.. eyes, nose, mouth, ears. Don't block those things out, they're there for a reason. If we're too stuck in our heads, life seems colorless; but sometimes it's hard to see the colors when all we see is our thoughts.

(I'm in a totally different mood so my answer probably seems like it's coming out of left field.. but hey, I winged it anyway.)

PS: I feel like I'm in a good place in my life right now. Things aren't so rocky. I've just spent the week... alone. But somehow I feel great. I feel loved? Today I feel loved and I can't explain it LOL I just feel good. There aren't alot of days when I feel this way, but I think I'm just excited about my future and career LOL
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
174 Posts
During lonely times, I naturally sulk and think about the source over and over again. Then, I shake my head and listen to my MP3 while reading Chocolate for a Teen's Soul or anything good to read that could help you heal in some point. Contemplating about the things that made me happy also helps.
:happy:
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Top