[iceyroses]

you never get closure?? I went through a life changing, awful situation with an INFJ and that person never apologized for the horrible thing they did to me. I don't want to disclose too much on cyperspace :wink: But basically, I hate wondering and trying to figure out that person's mind, questioning why they never apologized or what possessed them to do the thing that they did. It drives me mad some days. I made every effort possible to speak to this person and give/get closure but I didn't get much feedback unfortunately. Must be the INFJ secretive thing.

How can an INFP just "let it go" when they have no closure? I would really appreciate your comments/thoughts. Thanks!

 

[Raichan]

Hmm.. First tell me what kind of person that INFJ is (personality wise)?

Don't repeat the same mistake I did with my third ex. If that person's anyone like my third ex, it's just better to cut off contact as soon as possible, not analyze at all and just move away before being dragged into more drama. I used to obsess about closure a bit because when I studied in UK (as an international student), and after I broke up with him, I never met up with him everytime I fly back home. But now, I honestly don't care.

Contrary to popular belief, some things remain better just gone instead of over seeking ''official'' closure.

But then again I don't know the situation and person too well, so I am not sure if I can properly judge.

 

[iceyroses]

hmmm.....i'm not sure if i'm properly answering the question but personality wise......the person is very very introverted, stubborn, depressed, kind, thoughtful and will not show flaws. they tried to pretend that they were "perfect" while in my presence. this person was not someone who was a part of my life....like a friend or family member, but was close to someone i once dated. i wish i could just come out with everything but i'm too afraid because, after all, this is the internet.:dry:

 

[Raichan]

Just ask yourself significant questions first..

1) What might have you done wrong?

2) Considering the possibilities, did you deserve the horrible thing the INFJ did to you?

3) Could you have prevented it if you were given a chance?

4) Do you think it is worth it to speak to this person and renew the closeness? (Only you can answer that on a deeper level, no one else can)

5) Do you know each other well enough, that you know about each other's strengths and weaknesses to consider giving another try to patch up?

6) If you decide that there is no hope left, and you just want closure, is closure worth it though or is it better/healthier (for you) to move on?

 

[sarek]

Of course I dont know how long ago its been and how bad the things that happened were.

All I can say is that I have had friends in similar situations who asked me for help. But unless the person who wronged you comes forward and owns up to their mistakes the only real cure for your situation is the passage of time. At some point you will find that this person and what they did no longer play a dominant role in your mind and you are free to give it a place and move on.

And remember also that when people act in a certain way it is almost always for the most part because of something that has to do with themselves rather than something to do with you.

 

[Dary]

you never get closure?? I went through a life changing, awful situation with an INFJ and that INFJ never apologized for the horrible thing they did to me. I don't want to disclose too much on cyperspace :wink: But basically, I hate living my life wondering and trying to figure out that person's mind, questioning why they never apologized or what possessed him/her to do the thing that he/she did. It drives me mad some days. I made every effort possible to speak to this person and give/get closure but I didn't get much feedback from him/her.

How can an INFP just "let it go" when they have no closure. I would really appreciate your comments/thoughts. Thanks!

MAN! You just took everything that is on my mind. I can become mad exactly as you do.

I have the same question as you, I'm looking forward to see what people here have to say.

(actually, I'm on a situation like this right now, and I feel I'm being dragged into craziness already. Poor me.)

 

[faeriegal713]

I have recently gone through a similarish situation with a small group of friends. There was an argument of sorts and we just stopped talking. It was very frustrating and it actually threw me down into depression again. I wasn't able to pull myself up until I started to write my thoughts-the whinging, bitter, passive aggressive, passionate, begging, angry, and hopeful ones, all of 'em essentially-and most importantly shared them with people I felt I could trust. (Which was, funny enough, my "extended" family I found through an HP subfandom which is how I met the friends I had the argument with, but that's a whole other thing) What I discovered through that exercise was that in sharing my thoughts, I wasn't ostracized or hated, but still loved and accepted and a part of that 'family.' Without the fear of further loss, it allowed me to continue to process through all the emotions and chaotic thoughts and come to be okay with the results, which aren't ideal, but that's life and it's a lesson to learn. I haven't spoken with those friends in quite some time, but I have forgiven them and will still be available to them should they need me for something, just with the caveat that I will maintain boundaries with them that I never had before.

I don't know if that made any sense, but I can clarify should you desire.

 

[rowingineden]

I don't do forgiveness, and I don't value the concept. I see it as just "not holding people responsible for their actions." Basically, when someone has wronged me, I say, "You have done ____, which is not acceptable because _____. If you want to make it better, you can do _____. If you are not interested in that, please do get the hell out of my life and never contact me again. Thank you, and have a nice day." They can do whatever they want with that. I just try to do what is best for me and my overall well-being either way.

 

[starflower]

Forgiveness is more for your benefit than for theirs. And when you forgive, that doesn't mean you trust again. In some cultures and languages, forgiving is the same word as allowing, permitting, forgetting. I don't see them as the same thing. I think forgiveness is more of an understanding that everybody makes mistakes, and I'm not going to let it bother me anymore. Some things you may need professional help. Often (certainly not always) the reason the other party does not apologise or make things right is because they don't realise they hurt you, or that it was such a big deal to you. But w/out more understanding of the situation, I can't really give you any better advice.

 

[JerseyDevil]

Without closure, the only thing that has ever healed the wound for me is time. No matter how logical or rational I try to be about it, for me to forgive them and move on without caring any longer just happens over a long period, sometimes years.

And just because I forgive them doesn't mean they are back in my life or that I trust them, but I can get along without it bothering me any longer.

 

[Hammerhand]

I have three (four) ways of handling these kind of things (they work better when mixed though).

The first, is to just neglect it completely, forget it "swoosh", and try to keep my focus on other things, and just let time pass. It will fade with time.

The second, is to ponder about it, why, how, when, everything. Trying to understand, until I realize it's out of reach, and accept it.

The third, is to talk with people I trust, to vent it, and find understanding, and other perspectives. And of course, comfort (if I need it badly).

These are my methods of dealing with such problems. What works best for me is to talk with others, while trying to figure it out, until I can accept it, and then just clean forget about it. 3+2->1.

A fourth way would be two try to get some information out of someone that knows said Infj, it's possible it might give you what you look for. But I doubt it.

I hope this is of some use to you, or others.

 

[iceyroses]

I have three (four) ways of handling these kind of things (they work better when mixed though).

The first, is to just neglect it completely, forget it "swoosh", and try to keep my focus on other things, and just let time pass. It will fade with time.

The second, is to ponder about it, why, how, when, everything. Trying to understand, until I realize it's out of reach, and accept it.

The third, is to talk with people I trust, to vent it, and find understanding, and other perspectives. And of course, comfort (if I need it badly).

These are my methods of dealing with such problems. What works best for me is to talk with others, while trying to figure it out, until I can accept it, and then just clean forget about it. 3+2->1.

A fourth way would be two try to get some information out of someone that knows said Infj, it's possible it might give you what you look for. But I doubt it.

I hope this is of some use to you, or others.

Looks like we have the same MO when dealing with these things. roud:

 

[curious0610]

ohhh.... now i remember why you seem so familiar. I was reading your most recent post on the INFJ thread and I knew you sounded familiar. you posted on the INFJ forum back in August, about the INFJ women that your significant other was seeing. And you guys both had his babies.

Well.... I do very vividly recall that you were the one to initiate contact and cut off contact with her. You never even gave this person a chance to apologize because you just decided to cut off contact without even telling her why you were doing so. Your husband had asked you to stop, in order for the family to be healthy. This is understandable, but I just think you should've let her know why you suddenly decided to close your email account and cut off contact with her. I also strongly feel that if you explained this to her, and explained how you felt about this overall situation, it would have given the both of you the opportunity to seek closure. Instead, you befriended this women and sparked companionship with her. I guess in the end, it really wasn't friendship you wanted. If you wanted closure from the beginning, you should have been honest and upfront from the beginning, that you were contacting her because you wanted to understand her better and to find a sense of peace and closure for yourself.

Forgiveness is a personal thing. You don't need to have someone else's apology or explanation to forgive. Forgiving is when you let go of that person in your mind, and allow yourself to be at peace. It's about you. Honestly, you could have someone apologize to you or beg you for forgiveness, but that doesn't matter, because it has to be you that changes on the inside for you to feel liberated and have closure.

 

[iceyroses]

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