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So there's an ENFJ who's interested in me and I'm somewhat interested in him. He's a great guy and basically everything I've ever wanted. Unfortunately I feel like there's a catch 22: all the girls he's close friends with. Soooooo many girls, hugging him, flirting with him... it makes me feel unspecial in a way. I feel like whatever he says to me is nothing personal in the sense that he wouldn't say it to anyone else. Being an INFP it's a struggle to open up and if I do so it means I really trust a person. Maybe I just want this special opening up to be in my significant other.

Am I crazy, ridiculous for being jealous and somewhat annoyed with all the girls in his life and for wanting something different with him than they have with him? Also, how should I go about fixing this in myself because his many girl friends aren't gonna change just because I want them to.
 

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If you are going to be with someone, I believe that it should be developing into something where he shares things with you that aren't shared with others... That's just a part of intimacy in a relationship. However, it might not happen right away, and obviously for you that involves a lot of trust. I think as you start to see more of that side of him, it might make you feel more ready to open up.

I feel you on this issue because I know that I wouldn't be able to handle my man spending a lot of time with girls, especially ones that hug and flirt with him. Like you, I need to work on becoming more confident in myself... But I think this situation would make MOST women feel insecure and is not entirely about your confidence level. That's not really something you can demand that he change, at least initially.

Maybe after getting to know him better and feeling more trust in the relationship, you will see that perhaps these women are no threat to you. If they're not, then maybe pumping up your self-esteem is needed. If they are, in fact, too invasive, that might not be a good thing for you. Make sure he is someone you can trust and not some massive player. If you're not comfortable with it, I don't know that I would go for this relationship.

Have you guys actually started dating or are you just kind of "talking"? That would make a difference in how to handle it. If you're just being invited to be just one of the many girls in his life, then run like hell.
 

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Been there with an ENFJ and learned a lot in these forums. You've noticed one of the major differences between the two types...ENFJ are friendly and caring with a lot of people, and act in ways with friends that INFPs would reserve more for significant others.

I don't think you are ridiculous. I've felt some of that. What I hear though that ENFJs will make you special and be very into someone they really like more than friends...almost like you can't miss their eagerness. If he's not giving you different attention...or even is quieter around you, then maybe he is just being friendly. I think you can also tell how you fit in his life by how deeply he shares things with you. Additionally, I think it is OK to take some initiative to suggest activities...it isn't so traditional with them, where the girl has to wait for the guy to make the move. Ultimately though, he either is clearly liking you different or not. I have a good friend ENFJ and for awhile his general caring made me think there was perhaps something more, but just him being him. I've also read that sometimes they miss the obvious relationship/thing in front of them, and eventually that might just need a honest conversation about your feelings and desires to know if it is going anywhere or not.

If he is into you and you date for awhile, I think reasonable to ask that he tame some of the physical affection with other girls...but also good for you to be sure in yourself so that you aren't as bothered by it. Their nature is social (and they can hold friendships with opposite sex), so maybe keeping that in mind will help with the jealousy. Also, having been through all of this, I learned to develop more social connections and actually learned from him how to be more open and be a friend to others, and that took lots of pressure off to start getting more connections from others. I think important for INFP to do this and not make ENFJ too big a part of their world...I think that can make them uneasy, especially as they tend to take on extra responsibility for people's feelings and don't want to hurt anyone, so they are already sensitive to guilt. I gave space and respect of time as a way to honor our friendship, and often times that had positive results.

But, if he is really into you, then he'll want to spend time and it will be clear. The key is knowing the are extraverted in their feelings and sharing, while INFP are introverted in feeling, so don't always open up so well to others, and more so to just a romantic relationship. So try to be a little more open/relaxed/extroverted with feelings and use that strong intuition to observe him and your interactions and don't be shy about asking for clarity/being direct and honest, because they like that and my ENFJ has been understanding and supportive of feeling more than most anyone, so don't be too nervous of openness. And often I've realized my intuition was really good with him, so if I noticed or felt something and later asked about it, turns out there was good reasons for feeling like I did. Good luck!
 

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Hi!:kitteh: Let me tell you, enfj's are uber friendly, so people giving hugs to them is gonna happen- a lot. Are you guys dating? If you aren't then he might not be showing that level of "making you feel special" ness yet. Once you do *now assuming you aren't dating* then he will probably show a lot of love. They have so much to offer, and are so caring. So once you start, he'll warm up. If you are dating, then address him! Just tell him how these things make you feel uncomfortable, enfj's are usually very sweet about that kind of stuff. Just stay calm and you'll be fine. P.S. lovin' your profile pic. Cheers!
 

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I've had this hang-up with ENFJs too, and I think it stopped things from ever progressing forward. I couldn't tell if I was special to them or not, and by the time I figured it out, I just didn't care anymore.

I think @snc1878 has given some good tips.

You have to be honest about what you need & feel without being demanding.
 
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I currently have an ~*~*INSANE*~*~ crush on an ENFJ. He's magnetic. Sadly, his feelings are unreciprocated, but when other guys flirt with him, I get crazy jealous. It's like a lightning storm in my gut. He does seem a bit fickle, though. I'm not sure where I stand even as a friend. None of this was helpful to you, but you're definitely not alone. *hugs*
 

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I think I know your feeling, when I met my ENFJ, he was nice for every women. I didn't care the others. I follow my feeling, I go for the love feeling. I didn't have time to think about the others women feeling. We are together 7 years now. He is nice for everybody, but he is only say his heart with me.
 
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I feel like whatever he says to me is nothing personal in the sense that he wouldn't say it to anyone else.
My father is ENFJ and my mother is (probably) INFP. They've been happily married for over 25 years. I think I'm pretty familiar with how ENFJs express love.

My mom describes her husband as extremely selfless. I know him to be intensely devoted to our family. We are his best friends, even though he has a lot of contacts and feels a lot of affection for a lot of people. Simultaneously, I do get the impression that, if he had a different wife, and different kids, he would be just as loving of a husband and father. And yet I know he would be a different person if he had a different wife/kids, because I know that he has the ability to morph himself into exactly what his loved ones need. That is the special ability of an ENFJ, after all. Extraverted feeling is all about the free expression of love regardless of whether other people deserve that love. It's not about the expression of love because the ENFJ has deemed someone worthy, or special enough for their love. Once again, selflessness. INFPs are more egocentric in the way we express love.

My dad likes most people, wants to like everyone, knows how to communicate with everyone (my mom admires this talent very much). He does not hold grudges. His father (my grandfather) is a heartless, awful man, but my Dad does not hate him and has not given up on him and will not. The INFP trait of holding grudges? Not to be found in my Dad. Love is the driving force of an ENFJ and it doesn't seem like it can be extinguished.

I know my Dad can give "special treatment" to practically every person who strays in his immediate vicinity for more than a few seconds, hahaha. Yes, that does disconcert me a little bit and makes me question whether I'm special in his eyes. And yet I know I am. It's just that he speaks the language of extraverted feeling and I speak the language of introverted feeling.

Wish I could tell you more about my parents' relationship, but they're pretty private about it. I know I transposed your issue (DATING an ENFJ) to my circumstance of being the SON of an INFP, but hopefully what I've said still gives you some insight.

If you want to date someone who will make you feel like "the chosen one" who is uniquely worthy of their affection, then maybe it's best to date an introverted feeler such as another INFP.

However, if you give the ENFJ time, he might actually figure out how to make you feel special! That's what I figure, at least.
 

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Yeah, it's a tough one. Love ENFJ's, they are so magnetic and often kindred spirits, it's enough to induce butterflies and adrenaline rushes constantly, which can get addictive.

Honestly, I gave up on this myself-- I have to know that my guy is loyal in every way, and ENFJ's just don't seem to realize that their behavior can be so hurtful to an INFP who takes many things much more seriously than they do.

Not saying it can't work, I just decided after a couple broken hearts that it can't for me. My bottom line word of advice: Don't expect that he will change. Look at his past relationships and find out about him from people who have known him. Learn from his habits and make sure that you can live with that without asking him to change. Usually these kinds of things are intrinsic to personality, and even if he was willing and able to moderate the behavior, the urges and desires that causes it is still there, and eventually will turn to suppressed resentment unless he decides of his own volition they need changing.

Plus, from my experience, this type will always have girls throwing themselves at him, even if he does less to provoke it--- it's really, really hard to be that guy's girl. I've been there!

Again, not trying to say it can't work, just want you to know what I've learned in my own experience.
 

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Yeah, it's a tough one. Love ENFJ's, they are so magnetic and often kindred spirits, it's enough to induce butterflies and adrenaline rushes constantly, which can get addictive.

Honestly, I gave up on this myself-- I have to know that my guy is loyal in every way, and ENFJ's just don't seem to realize that their behavior can be so hurtful to an INFP who takes many things much more seriously than they do.

Not saying it can't work, I just decided after a couple broken hearts that it can't for me. My bottom line word of advice: Don't expect that he will change. Look at his past relationships and find out about him from people who have known him. Learn from his habits and make sure that you can live with that without asking him to change. Usually these kinds of things are intrinsic to personality, and even if he was willing and able to moderate the behavior, the urges and desires that causes it is still there, and eventually will turn to suppressed resentment unless he decides of his own volition they need changing.

Plus, from my experience, this type will always have girls throwing themselves at him, even if he does less to provoke it--- it's really, really hard to be that guy's girl. I've been there!

Again, not trying to say it can't work, just want you to know what I've learned in my own experience.
I don't want to change anybody, my ENFJ is like what you said he hated somebody want to change him. I told him I don't want to change him. In my heart, I am happy he is different with me. I feel I know more myself from our relationship. I can see more clear myself what I can do for my own life. I like complete myself in this way. My ideal world is getting more closer to see when I can see myself clear. It is very important for me. I don't mind many small things which are nothing useful in my ideal world. My ideal world isn't our relationship. I want to do more things which can make people life getting better. It means I have to complete my ablity to do so. He has his big view as well. We are same in bigger and farther ideal world about help people. In this way, I am happy my husband has the ideal wish to help people. I can't live with another people without this kind thought. A lot of small different become nothing important for me. I feel I am more better than before I met him. I have more power to do more things which are important for my ideal world.

I like my ENFJ let me get into that farther world.

I know he is very different with me when we deal with a lot of small things in everyday life. I look at those different as fun tasks to train my love ablity and my wisdom. Bit by bit, I am getting stronger, I am more like what I want to be that kind of person. I am happy I am more look like myself from our relationship.
 
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