Personality Cafe banner

1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,325 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
This is not a be all end all guide to courtship, rather just a post exploring my own experiences, thoughts, and past pertaining to courtship; in particular, the type of women who wants and appreciates the masculine in heterosexual relationships.

Firstly, let’s establish that there are many, many types of women all around the world from different cultures, backgrounds. I speak primarily from a western American view. Let’s also acknowledge that none of my musings are facts - just observations and in many ways a personal exposition of an appreciation for the masculine.

This topic was brought up during a private conversation with a fellow INFJ and it seems many men often think about it. I hope that, as a INFJ woman nearing my 30’s, I can reveal whatever insights I have. I’ll be rather analytical in explaining my personal intuitive understandings, this should be fun!

Let’s take a light hearted and fun approach to the age old topic
:tongue:

Defining “masculine” is probably the best place to start and yet it seems impossible. What is considered masculine changes with time and culture. For instance, when farming was the primary way of life how was the masculine defined then? What about now in 2016 when most labor jobs are being replaced by industry? You could say “to be masculine is to be a provider” and yet women are having more increasing roles in the work force out-earning some of their husbands. This dynamic seems impossible to explore on a socio-economic basis, so let's maybe begin to talk about it in really primitive terms, in terms of energy. Shall we?

When I think of the masculine, I think of energy that is imposing positively. Not aggressive, I associate aggression as a negative force. Perhaps a better word would be "movement"? Let's go with that instead :frustrating:

If masculine energy is movement, think of feminine energy as the space allowing this movement. This dynamic is such that, to dance without stepping on each other’s toes is to allow each energy to play it’s role. Note that the feminine energy must be receptive in order for the movement to occur. This isn’t about sex. This is about attraction during initial courtship and ideally directed into the long term. If the feminine energy is not receptive to this movement, often the movement will be seen as an offense.

Some men may wait for the woman to give the signal before making a move. Others move first then wait to see if she responds before moving further. Hopefully no man is making a move, ignoring her responses, and pursuing doggedly until she gets a restraining order - lets not do that please! :bored:

How the masculine energy makes movements is not as important as noticing the feminine energy’s receptiveness to it. The masculine energy must tune into the feminine energy without becoming or imitating feminine energy.

In college I was attracted to men of intellect. I saw their lack of emotions/feelings (something that I had) as being manlier; let's face it, I was a tom boy and pretty manly myself. I wasn’t attracted to romantic men, the "I’ll sweep you off your feet, and hold your dainty hands for you" guy. I found it to be contrived, disingenuous, staged, and extremely cheesy. This is most definitely a personal preference LOL. I was not the type of girl who dug the prince charming characters in Disney movies. Although I had a huge crush on Darien (Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon). I KNOW I KNOW! He wears a tuxedo, a mask, and throws roses. How much cheesier can it get? I was 7 years old! I also had a huge crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator. My tastes varied ._. However even Tuxedo Mask when carefully analyzed, during his off hours fighting Queen Beryl’s minions, had a very masculine energy (observe the interaction between Sailormoon and Tuxedo Mask).

Feminine/Masculine energy is measured relationally, in proportion to each other like a slice of pie.


I dated intellectual men (not many, I'm an introvert) and I found them less and less appealing over time. There was one major flaw. I yearned for an emotional connection; a more feminine side (so to speak) in the men. I needed, wanted to feel loved.

In the dating world, courtship is boiled down into “player-science”. I call it player-science because some men seem to have great success courting and bedding women. Player-science has one fatal flaw, it focuses primarily on initial courtship and ignores the long-term aspects of maintaining a relationship. The “Happily Ever After” part is missing. That black-out "The End" to Disney Princess Movies is true to life. Nobody seems to know how to keep the movie going!

As I yearned for a more emotional connection, I met a few guys who fit the role. It was great at first, until I became their psychiatrist. Instead of feeling attraction, I was drawn to them as a confidant, a mother, a friend, a shoulder to cry on. They were someone to help, not date. Not to say men shouldn’t cry! I love when men can cry over something that moves them, especially when I see them trying to hide it; it’s the most adorable thing! However, over the years, I found myself becoming the masculine energy in these interactions. It’s as if, I had to take a more intellectual stance on matters of the heart to help.

After thinking about my dating history, I realized:
These two energies, the masculine and the feminine, in regards to heterosexual interactions are always pushing and playing against one another. As we said before, this energy is measured relationally, in proportion to each other and so the dynamic of the relationship shifts when one projects a different energy - be it feminine or masculine.

If the feminine meets the masculine projecting feminine energy, the “friendship” aspect of the relationship becomes stronger; the same goes for the masculine that meets feminine projecting masculine energy. However when the feminine projecting femininity meets the masculine projecting masculinity, there is established a sexual chemistry; a sort of dance that occurs in long term relationships that leads to a good sexual tension.

How does this apply to tom boys? You said you were one? How do you explain the crushes that develop for girls that are tom boys, and for guys who are... Um. What's the equivalent of a tomboy for men? Metrosexual? Sure, let's go with that!


I don’t believe that a man or woman is entirely feminine or entirely masculine. I believe that people have both energies within them. Personally speaking, I experience more sexual attraction towards a man whose balance of feminine/masculine energy is leaning slightly more towards the masculine compared to mine. I do also find that if masculine energy is TOO masculine, I can not relate AT ALL. In courting a woman for the long term relationship, I think it’s important to keep this in mind.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for feelings-oriented men comes when ‘drawing’ attraction out from the woman. Since they are inclined to ‘feelings’, they seem to have a predisposition to using a more feminine energy in their approach. The problem they MAY face in using feminine energy to draw out feelings from a woman, is inadvertently placing themselves in a position to be treated as sexually undesirable. There are numerous authentic ways to use a more masculine energy to draw out the romantic side of her.

Also, in my experience, feelings-oriented men have an inclination towards clinginess when they don’t feel these emotions from me. In these situations it's best for the man to have a strong sense of self, independence, shifting focus to personal goals/dreams, accomplishing them, making "movements" in the world outside of us, having the PATIENCE for me to be receptive and following through when I call for your attention. This is the best approach.

I really can’t speak for anyone else, but I think the perfect long-term attraction comes when a guy has a life of his own. When he has a passion or a dream he is chasing and I’m by his side. I can look and admire him for all the movements he’s made in the world and in his life, until I feel that attraction and yearning for his attention thereby becoming receptive (the feminine energy, the space for him). Ideally he takes notice and directs his energy towards me. This would be the perfect time for him to pour out all his gushy lovey dovey "I want to kiss and snuggle you to death" feelings onto me because I was given the opportunity to create the space and DESIRE it from him.

It’s not about ignoring me, or playing mind games, counting the minutes since we last spoke, or the number of date nights we’ve had! It’s about letting me witness you, allowing me to be beside you, patiently waiting for my receptivity while being independent, and directing your energy to me when I’m ready; when I have the chance to be the vessel for you to pour into, when I am given the time to become feminine. I think, after analyzing my life, attractions, relationships, I find this to be the best approach to a long-lasting courtship filled with romance and sexual tension.
 

·
SAY MY NAME
INTJ
Joined
·
8,475 Posts
Looks like I stirred up some shit :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,325 Posts
Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Sukairain;bt66746 said:
Looks like I stirred up some shit :laughing:
LOL I'm surprised you guys read through all that! LONG POST! I went over the 10,000 char limit (did you know such a thing existed? I didn't until tonight!) and had to cut it short haha.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
51 Posts
Wow, seems like you know exactly what you want out of relationships now! I'm just now finally realizing from my past relationships about the type of person I'm wanting to be with, wish I could have thought about it sooner, it would have saved me a lot of grief!
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top