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I have, for many years, been wondering about why I am the way I am. I have even contemplated changing my personality because all I see is my flaws and areas where I need improvement.

I have found that the things I always wondered why they were in me...there is actually a classification for it. I am now a professed ESTJ. ha ha ha. I was told by my best friend and brother in law to take a personality test and see what I am. I searched online and discovered that ALL of the descriptions where not just accurate, but freakishly accurate. Upon discovering this, I have decided that before any major personality changes where I take how I am and try to shift it and make myself more "manageable" for those who would consider me a bit blunt...I would come and share with those who are like me. Yay!

So, to break the ice, the biggest struggle I have had with my personality has been that I am seen as overly aggressive and almost calloused in how I address issues. When I in normal conversation bring up things or view points on different subjects, the quickness of my response and the cutness of my comments with the mixture of my tone makes me out to not just "step on peoples toes" like it has been described, but I take their feet and cut them off. Anyone else struggle with something like this and how have you dealt with it?

I have found it to be very difficult in growing in relationships with people because I am always desiring to be in control or come off that way totally subconsciously.

How do you balance being a guardian yet also not being a jerk all the time? lol Just to be very blunt since that's what I'm good at.

- Em
 

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As an ESTJ, do you sometimes have outbursts of anger? I ask because I have an ESTJ close to me.
 

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I too have had that aggression problem pretty much my whole life. It really sucks huh? You care about people a ton and they say that you're being mean, when all you're really trying to do is say things or take care of people.

I actually have found a way to overcome this, for the most part. For one, I spent a ton of time researching about who I really am. Then i spent a ton of time researching the OTHER personality types. It never occurred to me that other people's ideas that I thought were "wrong" were actually just their own natural instinct. So I started analyzing the people in my life, and the people who used to be in my life to figure out who they were. Once I did that, I went back to those I had problems with and tried to figure out just exactly why things happened the way they did. I found out some very interesting things

1. I tended to over give. Meaning I gave and gave and gave to people and didn't get anything back which then built up and made me really angry. Now i don't give as much of myself away, and I say something before the anger builds.
2. The counting to 10 thing really does help. When I'm doing that I can say to myself, instead of acting like I did before and being very black and white and saying oh they're wrong I'm right, I say, I wonder what they're feeling or thinking about this. Or how might this be explained a different way from what I'm thinking. I love puzzles so its actually become kind of a game for me to figure out who someone is. That distracts me from being mad as well.
3. Realizing that winning is not as important as keeping the people you love or people you have to work with. I say to myself, okay they may be wrong but is it worth the risk of losing them? and then if i'm mad about it later I rant about it to someone else.
4. As for the controlling. That may have something to do with trust issues, but frankly all ESTJ's are controlling and are we really assuming that they ALL have trust issues? For me this is the hardest thing to let go of, but again its all about whether you want to win, or whether you want to keep your relationships. And surprisingly enough, i find that when i do take risks or let go of certain things, I actually feel calmer and less like i'm carrying the whole world around.

It's surprising how the more you learn about yourself, the more you are able to learn about others. I don't know if any of this helps, it took me losing someone i really loved and a lot of work to calm myself down, and that side of me still comes out more than i want. Try not to overlook people's feelings. We tend to be good at noticing people and taking care of them, so if you notice someone upset about what you said, ask them what specifically it was that upset them and then change it.
 

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As an INFP I don't understand the counting to 10 thing with anger... I don't get how a person can get that mad like that. If you have to hold yourself back and start counting numbers
 

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It's mostly not about being angry, but about stopping yourself from making a rash decision. Because we are Te's we tend to override our Si and make decisions quickly without stopping to look at all the facts, especially in times of great stress. The counting is my way to make me stop and say "okay before you say something you'll regret, why don't you think about this a little more". It's actually very helpful. And I know it's not just us, my mom is a ENFP and has to do the same thing so that she doesn't overreact before looking at what's going on, in her case mostly about what the other person is actually feeling. All the I's that I know don't totally understand that, but as my roommate said to me, it's because she takes time to think things through before saying them out loud most of the time.
 
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