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My feelings are really hurt right now, and I just need to vent. The more i think about it, the more upset i get about it, so i would also appreciate any advice that could calm me or give me a voice of reason.

So throughout college, I worked hard to financially support myself. I took the minimal amount of loans possible and juggled many jobs while taking a full course load of units. through little sleep and lots of determination, i finished with almost straight A's at a flagship university (i'll keep the name out, so i can retain some amount of anonymity) and was able to pay my rent, pay for my books, and pay for my necessities without relying on my family.

I didn't provide for my family or anything. I didn't help pay bills or buy them houses or cars. But I feel like I still contributed for four years by completely financing myself so that they wouldn't have to have any burden of providing for me. It's not like my family needed help with bills or anything - we are middle class, so they definitely weren't expecting anything from me, but when i received extra scholarships, i sometimes gave them half and i've always spent my free time helping out with family business.

when i entered college, i went in with nothing except for what the school gave me. one time i asked my mom, an xSFx for financial help, to buy the books i needed, and after she gave it to me, she made some comments about how i was taking so much of the family's money. after that point, i made up my mind to not ask for money again and work on my own. and that's how it was until i graduated - worked 20-35 hours a week, won a lot of scholarships/school funding, etc, and managed to save a little. because of my situation after graduation, i had to rely on them for some help. Nothing major though because I had saved up during my four years to cushion the blow. I am taking one year off, doing a post-bac degree before going to grad. school, so i needed some help to make ends meet when times were rough a few months ago. $400 to be exact. And the rest, I covered - tuition, rent, everything. My mom kept complaining how i was sucking up so much of the family's money, even though i KNOW $400 is nothing to her. And when i explain to her, that this is the bare minimum i need and how much i am working right now and how much loans i am taking out, she just mutters and complains about me. I feel hurt because everyone knows how hard i work at school and they are awed at how i can juggle up to 35 hours a week, while doing well in school. Most of the time, my mom just brushes this off saying "that's nothing!" and i feel like she undervalues everything i've done to get where i am today. The money she gave me, I used directly for the security deposit as i said it would be for.

since then, i've saved up more from working, and in my budget, i always include some amount for personal spending - nothing too extravagant. I have been going through a rough patch this year (physically and mentally, really rough time), and I have been finding it rewarding to treat myself more often to things i have otherwise not been letting myself enjoy - a nice shirt on sale (for work), a cute bag to replace my torn one i take to school/work, new lotion.... small things a girl would enjoy and need at the same time. And until now, i have been wearing such a tight belt to save up, i feel that i deserve this occasional treat. when my mom sees that i've bought something for myself, she'll go on and on about how i lie to her about how poor i am, because i've bought some things i need. I just feel that she's so irrational and she keeps trying to guilt-trip me about the "money i've taken" from the family. Yet, i turn around, and when it comes to my sibling, i see her pouring out all this money on him, and it just makes me really upset. i also see my friends' families pouring money onto them , and it makes me upset that the few times i've asked for help, my mom has to be so stingy and mean to me about it. I am literally at the point of tears now. My pride is hurt, too, that I had to ask for help, but honestly, I feel that as a child, I do deserve some help from my family without getting constantly guilt-tripped or rebuked for a few hundred dollars. since i was a freshmen, i've never asked my family for help and i was financially independent. however, after realizing that i make things harder on myself, i thought it was okay to let myself depend on my family, just a little. I guess I was wrong.

i'm all over the place right now, i can't think straight, but the things i bought were only the bare things i needed, and i just feel so awful right now. I feel hurt too because I feel that she only sees me in terms of the money she is "losing" to me. And i feel hurt because she doesn't really know anything i'm doing. I've worked so hard at school and research, and seriously... she has no idea how much hard work and commitment and how much this means to me. and she's never said anything like "i'm so proud of you daughter for having reached this far and working so hard on your own" but she makes biting comments about some financial help she gives to me. all of my friends see the hard work i am doing and tell me that they really respect my independence and dedication, but she undervalues everything I do. i wrote above, i didn't help out with bills or anything, but i've always supported the family by giving them half of some of my big scholarships, and spending my time helping with their work, and taking care of family business. I have juggled part-time jobs, student, and being the family's secretary.

From this point on, I won't ever ask them for help with money again. But this is something else that makes me upset. It's not because I don't want their help, but it's because they DONT want to help. There's a difference between being independent because of one's will and being independent because your family doesn't want to help you, even though they can. i am too tired and overwhelmed right now, so my thoughts aren't very well organized, and i don't even know exactly what the purpose of this post is, but yeah... i would just appreciate any advice or insight or support. i just feel like crying right now, because i've been working, working, working so hard and sometimes, i just need someone to help me out or be there for me, instead of complaining that i am being an extra burden.
 

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MOTM May 2011
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That's a tough spot to be in, to be sure. Sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning. If you still feel the same way, then it's time to have a sit down with your parents. Both of them. Mom needs to see how she is damaging the relationship you two have.
 

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Wow! You paid your way through school AND got straight A's? That's incredible, my hat's off to you. I know I couldn't do that. I think you have every right to feel the way you are feeling.

I don't understand, then, what your family wants you to do. It seems like they don't approve of your decision to go to college since they would rather not help you out financially.. so, then, would they have preferred that you go into the family business instead?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I'll definitely sleep on it. I don't know about talking with mom though. Whenever I tried to bring this up before, she just complained that I was ungrateful or brushed off/scoffed at my effort. my relationship with my mom is only good if we keep things surface level - talk about positive stuff, how good i'm doing, how good she's doing, what i ate for every meal, birthday/holiday presents, that kind of stuff - there have been other threads about ESFJ moms, and i think what has worked for everyone, including myself, is to avoid going deep or anywhere negative. I think I could have a talk with my dad though because he is a lot more cool headed and logical. I just dont know how to bring this up though because IRL i tend to keep everything in and have a hard time expressing how i feel. And he is definitely more of a verbal face to face person, rather than reading emails - in fact, if i sent him an email, i know he would definitely not respond to it and feel that it was a disrespectful way to bring something up.

Yeah, I don't really understand what my family wants from me either. I should also clarify, I don't mean a family business, but family affairs.... running chores/errands for the family, taking care of family problems, etc, secretarial work basically. I think they just want me to take more loans to pay for my expenses, although I am really at the max for undergrad. i dont think they understand this concept. and i guess on my side, i'm thinking "I got this far, and i think it would be okay to ask my parents for a little bit of help now, instead of taking out more and more loans." maybe they just got so used to me being self-sufficient, so now it's even more of a burden on them when i need help?
 

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I had a huge novel-sized post written, but erased it because it was rambling and didn't make sense, not even to me.
Bottom line: Make the attempt to speak with your mother, but do keep in mind that you can't control how other people act. You can only control how you react.
As far as money goes, it's very often THE point of contention between people. I don't lend money out, and I don't ask for money*.
I realize that sounds kind of arrogant, but I've been literally self-sufficient since I was 16 years old (job, apartment, etc.) and as a result, I am a VERY independent-minded person.

* Although I was very, very, very fortunate and lucky to be given a Pell grant and earned a scholarship. I don't consider that a handout by any means though, because I am furthering my education (3.8 overall GPA, FT in school) and working FT also.
 

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MOTM May 2011
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Two things:

By sitting down with BOTH of your parents at the same time, it lends the event a more formal feel and will help sanity prevail.

Print out your original post and use it for talking points to discuss this with your parents.
 
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