Finding it hard to connect to most people

I think we've all felt like this at some point of our lives.

Now, if you're anything like me, you'll agree that people are innately curious. That means, regardless of background, interests, lifestyle, and what have you, everyone genuinely has a curious mind. Now, how do you spark their curiosity? Talking about the weather? Inquiring about their weekend? Profession? Nah... all of this reaks of stuff that everyone else has asked them a million times over, most often in an uncaring tone.

(I'm in a rambling mood because of I'm hyper from my green tea, so you're welcome to skip the rest)
Here's what I mean about sparking curiosity -- an example of a conversation I had with a volunteer I have never met before.

*dead air*
Me> So are you a reader or a writer?
Her> Uh? I enjoy doing both.
Me> Well, yes... everyone is CAPABLE of doing both, but everyone has a slight affinity towards one.
Her> I'm more of a reader.
Me> Ohh... I'm more of a writer. So what draws you to reading though?
Her> (something about wide array of stories and new concepts).
Me> What are you reading right now?
Her> (talks about some book relating a wolf pack to the dynamics of a family. She goes onto explain a story about how the man was adopted into a wolf pack after he lost his own). What do you write about?
Me> *I ignore her question because it's an automatic social reflex to reflect back a question* That sounds pretty interesting actually. How do you feel about adoption in general?
Her> *vague response meaning she hasn't thought too much about it* It's good.
Me> Personally, I've always wanted to adopt because... *philosophy jargon*

From that point forward, she kept asking me about adoption and that eventually deviated into questions about spirituality and ghosts even. All in all, she turned into the question asker, which is rare because, as you know, most people prefer to talk about themselves. Personally, I think she thrived on being able to talk about essentially everything which wouldn't really be spurred by most small talk lingo that happens nowadays.

@leoni Yes, I often experience an inner loneliness similar to your description.

I think connection / successful communication is difficult for most people. But whereas some (most?) people are able to take a poor connection in their stride (e.g. "He's just living on another planet" **shrugs**) INFJs may be hit by a quadruple whammy:
Such a scenario isn't unique to INFJs but it's probably us who are most likely to experience this.

No easy answers. I do think that quality rather than quantity is what counts in friendships. A big part of my "salvation" in my life was meeting the woman who has been my best friend for many years and who is also INFJ. She "gets me" pretty much 100%

Plus don't overlook the value of PCafe! Here you can connect with other INFJs - in threads of course and perhaps by PM is even more valuable.

Welcome to one of the INFJs coomon feelings - the desire to connect in a deeper level, and the loneliness of not getting it. I guess that being a more complex and different type, it makes it harder to find similar people. And then our introversion doesn't help either.

I guess that it's hard to determine if you can connect with a certain someone just by having small talks. Everyone does small talks and they make us seem superficial, thought behind the small talk there can actually be an interesting individual and you might actually click in a lot of things. But it's hard to get past the small talks, unless there are chances to do so.
Honestly, I don't know how to get past the superficial barrier as I'm shy and socially awkward myself lol, but in the past, when I used to talk to my classmates or online friends by the internet, we ended up getting past the barrier pretty easily. I've found it easy to do so online, and we ended up sharing deeper thoughts and feelings.

But when it comes to even deeper level, almost to our INFJ cores... I'm not sure if we can really connect that deep, as it would require someone who is almost identical to ourselves (to feel in identical ways). There will always be some difference even if we can find someone so similar and can share a deeper understanding.

Sometimes, it does feel lonely. When I was young, I used to be very different and independent from other kids, and even when I grown up, I feel that I'm still an odd ball compared to others. Thought what eased my loneliness is that I could identify certain parts of me with the friends I came to meet, and then even thought I'm not fully understood, some still accepted me. And then I've also found beauty in them, and I just like being with my loved ones even if we can't connect at deepest levels. Maybe my Ni is doomed to never be fully known or explored/connected, maybe all humans are doomed to not be able to 100% connect due to each of our uniqueness. Maybe INFJs cares too much about connecting at the deepest levels. But there is beauty in having relationships and interacting with others, and I guess that by time I have found my peace.