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Today at 3 in the morning I was driving down the freeway, I'd never done that before. It was very empty. In the far ahead distance I could see a group of cars driving together -- and far behind me I could see a group of cars driving together, but where I was driving there was only me.

Then it hit me.

I realized how perfectly symbolic this was for the story of my life -- who I've always been, what I've always been. How could I not have seen this before.

I've always viewed myself (all this subconsciously) as far beyond the majority -- far ahead of most people out there in the fields and areas important to me. But at the same time, I constantly compare myself with those few elite who far surpass my capabilities and I feel at such a distance from them, like I'll never catch up. But where does this put me? Completely alone. Not one of the best, not part of the average, just in limbo.

This answers so many questions I've had lately -- especially why I've felt so damn confused for such a long time. I don't know what to strive for. If I strive for the top, I distance myself from most others who struggle more than I do -- yet I'll also always be at a distance from the very best, like running up an endless staircase -- and in the end of the day, I'm all alone.

I'm not sure if this is my Fe, but I know I have an underlying need to share this world with others. Beauties, successes, achievements, tranquility, joy.

I guess, where I can see myself truly finding happiness, is putting myself at the frontlines of the battle -- side by side with those at the top, not feeling a handicap or cheating my way to the top -- but truly feeling part of it. I couldn't bear to fall down to the average because then I'd sulk for the rest of my life about my wasted potential.

I guess what I live for is for attaining communal success, elite brotherhood, kind of like the three musketeers but in many fields of life.

This vision has helped me realize why I've felt so damn alone, empty, and unfulfilled with my accomplishments. I think.



I'm not really sure, I guess I need some help putting this into a more realistic perspective. Maybe I'm making the wrong moves.

Either way, I'd guess this is the penultimate example of an Ni experience, lol. Connecting driving on the freeway to the essence of my personality and life.
 

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I just wanted to let you know I often feel the same way. I am very talented in some areas and very disabled in others. I can feel a sense of elitism about my art or writing or academics, for instance. However, someone is always more talented than me and I can see my flaws so easily that I do not develop narcissism. I also crave communal success, but I don't feel alone. I have a number of close friends whom I confide in and people tend to mean a lot to me. Not that they don't mean a lot to you -- but even despite my autism and other quirks I can still find good friends to relate to.
 
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