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Discussion Starter #1
I’ve been having this feeling for a couple months now, but it’s extremely difficult to explain.

I’m in a good place. I study part time, work part time, work on my music and I’m able to get recognition in little ways for it, I have good relationships with friends (although some I’ve separated from for various reasons), I feel happy and the most stable I have for years. But I keep feeling like there’s something absent, something missing. I wonder what my purpose is often, and I’ve been looking a lot at things like astrology and numerology, to help me figure it out. Whatever results I get seem to add up to me being a creative, expressive soul, good at either verbal or written communication and the arts. I know that’s where I feel strongest, and I know I want to go in that direction with career choices and my ultimate purpose in life but... it’s like there’s multiple versions of me. It’s this overwhelming feeling that I’m not quite there yet. I see YouTubers like Claire Michelle and Anastajia Louise and Boho Beautiful, and I look at pictures of forests and lights and cabins and landscapes, and I listen to certain songs and go to certain places, and I feel at home. I feel comfortable, I feel.... calm and energised simultaneously. And there’s a part of me that wants to live this life of spirituality and veganism, and teaching and music and writing, and yoga and ballet, and live in a cute little townhouse in autumn with a big park nearby with rabbits and deer and..... and I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling although I feel it all the time. I recognise all of this and I feel close but not there yet.

I don’t think this makes any sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it. Maybe it’s just naivety, or maybe there’s something more here. I just feel like it’s a ladder, and I’m almost at the top but I can’t see the rest of the rungs, and I’m desperate to get up there.

Does anyone know what I’m feeling? Or can maybe explain it better that I can?


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It looks like you have a lot of "part times" and "good enoughs" in your life. Take one of these elements of mediocrity, and jump into it. Work hard at it, all or nothing. Take a risk. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, right?

The plight of the creative person is that the ideal can never be reached, and perfection can never be had. The person knows this, but they still strive for it with all they have. They never arrive; they know they will never arrive; and they don't settle for anything that tells them they've arrived. If life is a journey, it needs to be an exciting one. Have a destination to your journey in mind, but keep changing the destination to something better as you near the first destination.

Find something thrilling, something that you invest in and work at. You sound like you're too comfortable! Don't let your own self perception box you in.
 
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Yes it does make sense. You are describing a lifestyle.

What catches my attention is that you say you feel comfortable, and this does show in your text.
Also, "A part of me wants to live..." so you are not living it yet (?).
It seems to me that you are ready for the next level, and this next level requires that you get scared.
How much of what you're doing feels scary? You need to go there.

You think the youtubers you mention find it easy peasy to do what they do? Nope. You mention Anastajia Louise, this girl (she's a self-typed INFJ) has mental health issues, she feels vulnerable and terrified of the world most of the time, she's super insecure and probably a HSP, and there's a lot of personal stuff that she's been working on for years behind the camera. Don't let the ytbers' presentation make you believe that they live a fairytale, cause it's far from the truth. But they manage to push themselves through the fears. So go do your lifestyle :)
 

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Probably some kind of energy that comes with being young, exploring all that there is out there, wanderlust, curiosity, defining yourself, the push for more, not satisfied yet, not where you want to be. Existential crisis? (?). No? Sounds unsettling, but sounds perfectly normal, to me, for someone young.

If you are young.

Sehnsucht - "Sehnsucht (German pronunciation: [ˈzeːnˌzʊxt]) is a German noun translated as "longing", "pining", "yearning", or "craving", or in a wider sense a type of "intensely missing"...


However, Sehnsucht is difficult to translate adequately and describes a deep emotional state. Its meaning is similar to the Portuguese word Saudade, or the Romanian word dor. Sehnsucht is a compound word, originating from an ardent longing or yearning (das Sehnen) and a long or lingering illness (das Siechtum)....


However, these words do not adequately encapsulate the full meaning of their resulting compound, even when considered together.


Some psychologists use the word sehnsucht to represent thoughts and feelings about all facets of life that are unfinished or imperfect, paired with a yearning for ideal alternative experiences. It has been referred to as “life’s longings”; or an individual’s search for happiness while coping with the reality of unattainable wishes. Such feelings are usually profound, and tend to be accompanied by both positive and negative feelings. This produces what has often been described as an ambiguous emotional occurrence...."

 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thank you all for your replies. I’ve been thinking over your answers.

I do think it is a partial feeling of fear, and it’s something that’s been challenged recently, as I was scared of taking the job I have now, and studying again wasn’t even an option a year ago, but I know that to really become the person I want to be, I need to take the plunge and go for my ideal. It’s difficult sometimes because there are certain things I like and feel drawn to (like astrology and yoga, spirituality things, and things just of that nature) that my family view as “wrong” (I’m Christian, and brought up in a Christian household).

I know that I probably don’t put my all into every aspect of my life. If you’ve heard of numerology, I’m a life path 3, and it describes me and my goal perfectly. And the life I described fits that extremely well. I imagine that life and I find it difficult to execute it. Maybe I need to just jump into it. Live that life I want to.

Those things I mentioned, they are what make me feel comfortable. When I look at them, or listen to them, they make me feel like I’m my true self. And it’s difficult to explain my love for those things because they aren’t common interests, I guess.
@Sily that’s probably the perfect defining word. And I am young. Ish. I’m 19. And on one hand I feel like I should have it all figured out already, but on the other hand I feel like I have plenty of time. But maybe not, if I really want to achieve and explore that life.


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