Personality Cafe banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I (and most INFPs I think) have always been the one absolutely heartbroken and miserable when it comes to break ups. I have been in 3 relationships, the first was absolutely terrible, in the best sense. I was completely in love, but it was a completely unhealthy relationship. The second, I got too attached to someone who wasn't looking for that and she left me only to have two others fight over her. Then I was alone for a year and a half pining over her or just trying to find my way through everything going on in my life. Then out of no where a girl I knew is suddenly interested in me. She just wanted to fool around at first but then it turned into something more. I really liked her a lot, I still do, but since the beginning, my heart wasn't in it.

She's the first person to ever treat me like I was someone special, like i was important to her, she was all about me.

I broke up with her. I felt like i was taking advantage of having her company because I get anxious when I'm alone these days. There were other issues too, but ultimately I didn't feel my heart was where it should be.

But now i still feel so bad about it. I don't want her to hate me, it still upsets me to think about her with someone else. And I feel so guilty for how I've made her feel. I know what she is feeling all to well and I never would wish that on someone.

Has anyone been through this? How do you deal with the guilt and regretful feelings that come along with breaking up with someone...as an infp?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,390 Posts
Has anyone been through this? How do you deal with the guilt and regretful feelings that come along with breaking up with someone...as an infp?
As an INFP? Mhm.

Technically, you may be Fi-Si looping, but let me spare you of the details - I think you're going through a normal after-the-break-up period.

Therefore, I'll give you a 'normal' answer that isn't necessarily INFP-ish: breaking up with her was the right thing to do. You felt you were taking advantage to her, possibly feeling you were lying to her as well. It wasn't necessarily the only right thing to do, but it probably seemed like the only right thing to do to you at that moment. That's fine.

It's alright to feel guilty. You being INFP probably makes you feel 'more guilty' than a different type would, because you obviously value being honest and not hurting other people. But yeah, from this point of view, it is perfectly fine to feel guilty. I don't think there's any break-up in which one (or both) didn't feel a little guilty. How does one deal with guilt? I don't think you do much about it. You made someone feel bad, but because you were doing what you thought was the right thing to do, not because you intentionally wanted to hurt this person. Just accept it.

You could also apologize, but yah, I think that would only work if she was someone who could talk to you and accept your apology - after being hurt by the break-up.

As for regret, you don't really say what you regret, so I don't know what to say about that. ^^;
 
  • Like
Reactions: perfectcircle

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
just regret in that maybe i did the wrong thing...i all ready broke up with her once, lasted for two days before i got back together with her, and then i guess the same reasons i broke up with her were still there so i did it again.

I guess I just wonder, not having broken up with anyone before, if missing the person and wondering if this is the right decision is normal
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
369 Posts
It's better to be alone than to be in bad company.

and that doesn't have to mean that you or he/she is a bad person. it just means that you don't fit each other in a relationship right now. things change, people change.

and yes, I went through two breakups so far, in the end they both felt like I was just wasting our time doing the wrong thing. that's my only regret.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,835 Posts
I've only broken up with one person before and it was a horrible thing to have to do. The first couple of times a tried to do it, I ended up caving in when she started crying. I found that in the end, it's one of the times in life where you have to be callous and that was something I really struggled with. It's like I had to break her heart in the most clean and efficient way possible and that was a horrible thing to have to do. But I guess life isn't always fair and sometimes you have to do things like that. It's hard, but in the end it's the right thing to do because you will cause the person so much more pain if you remain in the relationship when your hearts not in it. So it becomes a matter of causing pain in order to prevent greater pain from being caused in the long term.

On the bright side she is now married and has a daughter, which is what she always wanted.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,835 Posts
That's nice.

I'd like to believe I could feel that way in such a situation. Frankly, I'm not sure I would.
When I was contemplating breaking up with her, I actually found myself wishing that there was a trustworthy, dependable guy out there who could take care of her and treat her right. I had a great fear that she would end up with some loser who doesn't respect her. So I was very happy to hear that she found someone good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
96 Posts
When I was contemplating breaking up with her, I actually found myself wishing that there was a trustworthy, dependable guy out there who could take care of her and treat her right. I had a great fear that she would end up with some loser who doesn't respect her. So I was very happy to hear that she found someone good.
unless you're 60+ years old, you are wise beyond your years. good for you. a great example of the ideal "break-up mindset", in my opinion.

it's so tough, to hurt someone you care for deeply, but feel so obligated to "do the right thing".

i tend to be the one who initiates breaking up. i rarely date for over a month or two because i'm not out to change people, and we didn't connect. i hate dragging those on, it's the worst kind of relationship strain/break up. but i've had a couple bad break-ups with really interesting, special people. those are.... those moments are probably the worst in my life, worse than deaths and other things more externally final.

i'm actually having difficulty sticking to my guns in my current relationship of 2+ years. usually this isn't a problem for me, my reasons have been pretty mutually sound and i breathe easier afterward. but now it's not a matter of personality, or expectations, or communication. now it's this really abstract issue for me, almost a spiritual test of resolve. of where i'm going and my dreams, these ideals for my life and time on this earth i feel i'm responsible to fulfill, or at least try to. it differs greatly with this person, and it's the only true bad match between us, although... probably the most important.

i think i'm sort of meant to be alone. i just hate, hate hurting people. i think after this eventual heartbreak, i'm going to take a nice long single vacation from romantic love, and focus all of that affection into helping people, unconditional love. travel around like a ragged monk. sleep in barns.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Luke

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,446 Posts
Sometimes a *break-up* really is for the best even if it's painful. In my 20s I had an on again off again relationship for 10 years with a guy I met at work, his parents owned the tavern I worked at. Did a lot of learning during those years but looking back..... Hoo-boy! ... If I had ended up with him, man o man would I have been miserable. I didn't know that at that time tho.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top