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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
He is a mechanic. He works about 70 hours per week and has for as long as I've known him.
In his spare time he always wants to be with me doing anything.

He is terrible at communicating. He can't find the right words, and when I'm upset with him (I'm still perfectly calm and trying to be gentle, but direct) he shields himself with his arms, wont speak, just makes angry huffs at me. When I just want a conversation, he can't do that either. He can make short statements which he means to be powerful, but honestly these sound stupid, naive, extremist, obvious, or horribly over used.
When he's unhappy with his job or life he does nothing about it but complain. I end up creating and submitting his resume and begging him to take phone calls to accept an interview. Then when it works out he thinks it was all him.

After we got married I would get rejected for sex a lot, and it was always under 2 minutes when it happened. I look good. I'm very young and blonde and thin and when I actually wear makeup I get hit on (by strangers) a lot. I tried everything I could to get his attention but he wasn't having it. So after a number of months I asked him about his porn habits. He was addicted to it. I was hurt deeply and incredibly angry. Regardless of your feelings on the matter of porn, he was hiding it from me, was deeply ashamed, and after a matter of months managed to stop. These months were hard because I kept discovering more things he was hiding from me. Weed (almost never used, but also never freely disclosed to me), how much of a pervert he was in general was discovered when he told me about conversations at work and when I saw his search history including looking for (nonexistant) porn of my family members. As I said, he changed. He felt so terrible when I found out that he changed (slowly) all on his own. At this point he's been porn free for almost 5 months and is much more trustworthy than he used to be. He usually tries to make me cum now. He rarely succeeds, but I do appreciate the effort and at this point I never expect to be satisfied by him anyway.

For the first 2 years we knew each other, we lived with his (ex) best friend. At first, Jake (we'll say), was fine. He had become very close to my husband and they did everything together. As my then boyfriend wanted to spend more of his free time alone with me, Jake came to hate me. Jake stole my stuff, broke my stuff, opened doors and windows whenever I turned on the AC, automatically assumed that anything that happened to his stuff was me trying to get revenge (which would accomplish what?!), complained that he was the only one doing house chores and became anal about things in the sink (after a year of me being the ONLY one who did the dishes or any other chores), while throwing things in the dishwasher (think caked on spaghetti, bowls of macaroni, and cups full of tobacco spit) without emptying or rinsing them. When he started messing with my kittens I was out. I moved in with my then fiancee's parents. Jake spent time there as well, and always spoke badly of me, to the point that my future inlaws stepped in. In all of this, my boyfriend/fiance was useless. Jake was less cruel to me when he was around, and acted like nothing was wrong when they were alone. My ISTP knew what was going on but I learned that he had never learned how to deal with conflict before, ever, and refused to do so. We cut off ties with Jake, and the wedding planning was underway, I was living with my ISTPs nice family, and I should have thought things through at that point, but I was excited to get married and thought we would be fine.

We now have a house that honestly I didn't want, but he and the inlaws and our stupid agent pressed me into, and I was young and stupid. He also got a truck that put us farther in debt. I'm on the loan, but I should have thought that through too. If he thinks he can afford it, he should afford it on his own. I drive a car that he bought for 300 and fixed some issue it had. I went into debt paying 700 for his truck down payment because I'm an idiot. He has 3 cars that don't run but could easily be sold. He means to sell them, but shit doesn't seem to get done unless I do it. Including paying regular bills, which he was ignoring when I moved in with him. He means to but between work and spending time with me he forgets everything else. He should not have a mechanic line of credit where he can buy tools and toolboxes because I don't think he's mature enough, but he does. This is the one bill that he physically pays, not me. After a few years I noticed that this debt going up instead of down. I gravely explained to him that he will stop buying tools faster than he pays for them. Yes, he makes like 3 times as much as I do but he is the reason that we can't afford groceries.

Recently I feel like I don't like him anymore. I used to love him because of the way he treats me, but now any thoughtfulness he has comes after months of nagging. I've started to complain to friends and coworkers about him, when I normally can't shut up about how sweet he is. He's noticed my touchiness, and it keeps him up. When something keeps him up, it keeps him up until I happen to wake up, see that he's awake, and help him go to sleep. So, it's been keeping me from sleeping too. I hate it when he touches me, but I let him so we can both sleep. I don't want to divorce him after I married him so young. Please keep this in mind if you reply. I'm really young and no one in my family has been divorced and I'm in his childhood town, thousands of miles from my own. I wish I had thought things through. At this moment I wish I had at least put off marrying him a few more years. I'm hoping someone has advice or helpful input, but really wishing for a miracle.
 

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I'm young and dont have direct experience from which to give you advice, but I do have some observations at least.

You have described someone who genuinely loves and cares about you and your relationship. He has many issues with conflict and some odd and extreme sexual behavior, but there is a willingness to grow for you. That is the ray of hope through all of this. The practicalities are dismal and depressing, the past has left your connection strained and scarred, and for good reason.

I feel like you are enabling his depressed and apathetic behavior by taking charge of so many responsibilities that he should be doing autonomously, but I don't know how you two will survive if you stop this behavior.

I dont feel like I have much that is productive to share, I feel empathy for you and I'm sorry you had to deal with these rough issues and feel neglected by him sexually and also that you had to deal with that "Jake" asshole targetting you like that. (Almost sounds like he had romantic feelings for your ISTP, lol)

It seems like directly bringing up compaints or issues isn't going to work due to your ISTP's inability to deal with conflict. Obviously life shouldnt be this way and you dont deserve that, but if you are to survive in this situation, you might want to leave behind written letters to communicate or do things more subtly, perhaps. Its clear that your issues matter to him and he thinks about them, but maybe physical confrontation is too intense for him to productively deal with.

I hope that did something and you two can find some peace somehow. You guys deserve happiness and a healthy relationship.
 

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Ditch the loser and get with a boozer? :wink:

Complaining about him to his friends and co-workers is not the way to go. He is the primary money-maker as you said, but he can't handle it once he has it. If you can, why not handle it? Teamwork. He has made an effort as you explained to work on his sexual issues ; you may not consider his efforts satisfactory, but are you making an effort to help guide him? His porn addiction may have made you hurt, but did you ask about it? It could have been insecurity on his part that caused the behavior that you then perceived as inadequacies in yourself due to your own insecurities. A friend once asked me why her boyfriend would masturbate while they were in a relationship and expressed her concern that she wasn't attractive enough and/or didn't satisfy him; I explained to her why it isn't necessarily either of those.

The entire paragraph concerning your first 2 years together focuses on a friend of his and the problems you had with said friend, but i don't see the relevancy to your current situation. As for wishing you had thought it through, you can't undo what choices you've made, only deal with them moving forward.
 

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It appears that you do all of the emotional work in the relationship and that is very sad. I have been with an istp for almost 2.5 years just dating. Its very up and down as you know. Expecting him to see things the way you do will not happen no matter how logical things seem from your point of view. They are very independent in their thinking for sure. The only changes that i have seen made over time with my girl has been when its her idea. Some istps see a suggestion as pushing or control.
 

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have you two considered couples counselling? We may be able to give good advice but I doubt we could do much in anyway that would really give you a permanent solution, or even anything that would allow you two to work through your differences at the moment,it's good to vent about relationship problems but i think you are going about it the wrong way, people can listen but they aren't trained to help the way counsellors are, I suggest that's something you may want to try...
 

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lucyandhercat said:
Recently I feel like I don't like him anymore.
Important.

I hate it when he touches me
Important.

I don't want to divorce him after I married him so young. Please keep this in mind if you reply. I'm really young and no one in my family has been divorced and I'm in his childhood town, thousands of miles from my own.
Irrelevant.

but really wishing for a miracle.
You talk about your next relationship.
 

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well you said you don't want to divorce but if I'm honest the reasons you stated for not wanting to divorce make it sound like you don't want to b/c of what people will say and think and if that is your reason I just want to let you know that their opinions don't matter and you should be more interested in helping yourself rather than what others will think. nontheless here is my advice
go to counseling together(i know you say that you are in debt and that he works alot but I think it's VERY important you both go to marriage counseling also he needs to learns how to handle conflict and how to communicate especially since you guys are married and thriving marriages or any relationship for that matter involve good communication and hard work. Also if you're having trouble getting him to understand why it's important make sure he knows you're relationship/marriage is in trouble and talking to a marriage counselor will help.
Also if you believe in God Pray!!! Prayer can do alot especially since you're wishing for a miracle
 

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You know often times a break just works. Lets him regain autonomy and you'll miss him after a while. Sometimes just being around someone a lot frustrates you because you don't get any relief from their behavior. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Breathing room.
Will also help you figure out your priorities and set some boundaries/develop autonomy yourself. And then you can reassess things. From clear head space. Perspective, etc.

Also ask yourself if you love him and what that means to you.
 

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From what I read your Istp loves you very much and you want to rekindle the feelings - I say instead of focusing on his flaws why don't you just write down a list of things you like about him - or the 2 of you can play a card game of truth or dare and get to know each other better . It's funny that you mentioned debt - I'm also married to an Istp who makes twice my income and is also always in debt- I don't think they can control how much they spent but their intentions are always well and if I oh discuss matter with them they always try to chants for yhe best . It seems like your husband wants to change for u- I mean he gave up porn for you , he opens up more to you etc
I say you need a break - go home to your parents house for a week or so . Maybe distance will help you two miss each other more .
Nothing wrong with trying to save a marriage - however if you felt that you have completely lost interests in him it's best to end the relationship now - it's not fair for you to be in it or for him .


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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This isn't a question of "fixing a broken relationship"(which can be done with a lot of work) than it is "fixing a broken person" (which you can't and shouldn't do). It will foster resentment on both ends with nothing but bitterness coming out of it.

Cut your loses. You can't fix him.

Re-read your stuff from a third person perspective. What would YOU tell a friend in the same situation you are in?
 
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good advice stiletto but hard to do when you love..
my favorite saying is you love who till you don't love them anymore... no matter what. together or apart.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
It's been a while since I made this thread and honestly I forgot about it, but I came back to percaf after thinking about us again.
Thank you all for the input.

I don't think of us as broken anymore. I see him trying really hard and it's hard to be mad. He even got me a cheap birthday present that he thought I wanted, even if I didn't really want it. Normally he doesn't have the time or foresight for gifts, but feels terrible when he realizes he's empty handed.

But his lack of visible passion upsets me a lot. Our bedroom is pretty much dead. He thinks he tries, but I don't see it. He wants me to decide what we do and eat every day. If I ask him to he struggles until he comes up with something really simple or just gives up. This lack of decisiveness and responsibility makes him sound immature but he still works 60+ hours per week, and he never gets upset at me. His personality is just really P. Mine is too for that matter, which makes this uncomfortable for me. I don't want to dominate us. I don't want to be the one doing everything. I don't want to tell him he needs to change. His lack of passion makes me passionless too. I still talk about him a lot around my friends because he's my life, but it's half praise and half complaining. Even though I don't think I feel strongly, I notice physiological changes when he's around. I was reading at an event and until he got there I was shaking to the point I couldn't stand without support from the podium and sweating and feeling terribly nervous even though I was friends with everyone there and didn't have any reason to be self conscious. When he got there it was easy. So maybe I don't feel my passion but really I don't have any intention of leaving him. So I just let it go, like any other uncomfortable feeling I have.

Every time I try to confront him with reasons I'm not happy he shuts down. He turns into a 4 year old that pleads innocently. If I'm more callous and direct his voice changes, but he's still just pleading for me to not be upset, desperately promising to change without any explanation, plan, or details. He can't address the actual issue. As an NT, this is really irritating, but as a P, it's hard to stay mad.

What I want to know is how other people get their ISTP SOs to address an issue constructively.
 

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It's been a while since I made this thread and honestly I forgot about it, but I came back to percaf after thinking about us again.
Thank you all for the input.

I don't think of us as broken anymore. I see him trying really hard and it's hard to be mad. He even got me a cheap birthday present that he thought I wanted, even if I didn't really want it. Normally he doesn't have the time or foresight for gifts, but feels terrible when he realizes he's empty handed.

But his lack of visible passion upsets me a lot. Our bedroom is pretty much dead. He thinks he tries, but I don't see it. He wants me to decide what we do and eat every day. If I ask him to he struggles until he comes up with something really simple or just gives up. This lack of decisiveness and responsibility makes him sound immature but he still works 60+ hours per week, and he never gets upset at me. His personality is just really P. Mine is too for that matter, which makes this uncomfortable for me. I don't want to dominate us. I don't want to be the one doing everything. I don't want to tell him he needs to change. His lack of passion makes me passionless too. I still talk about him a lot around my friends because he's my life, but it's half praise and half complaining. Even though I don't think I feel strongly, I notice physiological changes when he's around. I was reading at an event and until he got there I was shaking to the point I couldn't stand without support from the podium and sweating and feeling terribly nervous even though I was friends with everyone there and didn't have any reason to be self conscious. When he got there it was easy. Then I remembered how I used to hiccup pretty much constantly around my family and in high school and sometimes I still do it at work or if I visit home, but I never do it when I'm alone or when I'm with him. So maybe I don't feel my passion but really I don't have any intention of leaving him. So I just let it go, like any other uncomfortable feeling I have.

Every time I try to confront him with reasons I'm not happy he shuts down. He turns into a 4 year old that pleads innocently. If I'm more callous and direct his voice changes, but he's still just pleading for me to not be upset, desperately promising to change without any explanation, plan, or details. He can't address the actual issue. As an NT, this is really irritating, but as a P, it's hard to stay mad.

What I want to know is how other people get their ISTP SOs to address an issue constructively.
I think he's even more stressed than you are. He works a lot, and when he comes home, he feels like he really needs to maintain the relationship, as it's collapsing. You both need time to fix that. You can't do that if he keeps working that much.
It's even worse that you are both inf Fe. When you get stressed, you act like children, express emotions, and do not solve anything.
The relationship stresses both of you out.

If you both can't have more time, I really doubt you should stay together. I don't think going in separate ways for a while is good, but maybe it could work for you both.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
We realize that his work hours aren't helpful or ideal, but it's not a simple thing to change. He changes companies every year looking for better pay, more fair treatment, less hours, but the variations are minimal for mechanics.
He comes home tired. I do the best I can to make him comfortable when we get home, but we usually just have frozen dinner and watch tv until we fall asleep. But we do manage to have fun. We always prefer each others company to being around other people or alone. We make each other laugh occasionally. We're not constantly fighting. It's the once a month or so that I bring up our sex life usually. We're not falling apart, we really just have this one issue and the odd minor disagreement. I wanted to clarify this to avoid more oversimplification.
 

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We realize that his work hours aren't helpful or ideal, but it's not a simple thing to change. He changes companies every year looking for better pay, more fair treatment, less hours, but the variations are minimal for mechanics.
He comes home tired. I do the best I can to make him comfortable when we get home, but we usually just have frozen dinner and watch tv until we fall asleep. But we do manage to have fun. We always prefer each others company to being around other people or alone. We make each other laugh occasionally. We're not constantly fighting. It's the once a month or so that I bring up our sex life usually. We're not falling apart, we really just have this one issue and the odd minor disagreement. I wanted to clarify this to avoid more oversimplification.
I just think you both are doing your best at maintaining it. Just saying that if you want for your relationship to change, you need more time. Expressing frustration won't solve anything now, as you both rather want calmness now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Well, for the last year we've been incredibly happy.

I felt like more of a priority. I was working and in school. Now I make as much as he does. We are SO close to paying off that mechanic debt. He just got a job with less hours (by recommendation of a friend instead of me doing anything). But all of this just seems like coincidence. Something did change and I'm not sure what it was. Jake being completely out of the picture has helped, he's able to see Jake for the horrible person he is and feel ashamed of ever wanting acceptance from him. The sex was better. He's gotten me some really decent gifts for significant dates. All while spending even less time together. I think we just got better at communicating.

If he gets defensive I'll call him out and he'll use words again. If I get upset he doesn't go into panic attack mode; he realizes that it doesn't mean that I'm giving up on him but most likely that I'm just hormonal or tired. He doesn't do the things that irritate me that he used to seem incapable of not doing. I don't know for sure why it's better.

Maybe you were right, @Apple Pine. Maybe we just needed time.
 

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Well, for the last year we've been incredibly happy.

I felt like more of a priority. I was working and in school. Now I make as much as he does. We are SO close to paying off that mechanic debt. He just got a job with less hours (by recommendation of a friend instead of me doing anything). But all of this just seems like coincidence. Something did change and I'm not sure what it was. Jake being completely out of the picture has helped, he's able to see Jake for the horrible person he is and feel ashamed of ever wanting acceptance from him. The sex was better. He's gotten me some really decent gifts for significant dates. All while spending even less time together. I think we just got better at communicating.

If he gets defensive I'll call him out and he'll use words again. If I get upset he doesn't go into panic attack mode; he realizes that it doesn't mean that I'm giving up on him but most likely that I'm just hormonal or tired. He doesn't do the things that irritate me that he used to seem incapable of not doing. I don't know for sure why it's better.

Maybe you were right, @Apple Pine. Maybe we just needed time.
You guys are doing well, keep it up!
 

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He is a mechanic. He works about 70 hours per week and has for as long as I've known him.
In his spare time he always wants to be with me doing anything.

He is terrible at communicating. He can't find the right words, and when I'm upset with him (I'm still perfectly calm and trying to be gentle, but direct) he shields himself with his arms, wont speak, just makes angry huffs at me. When I just want a conversation, he can't do that either. He can make short statements which he means to be powerful, but honestly these sound stupid, naive, extremist, obvious, or horribly over used.
When he's unhappy with his job or life he does nothing about it but complain. I end up creating and submitting his resume and begging him to take phone calls to accept an interview. Then when it works out he thinks it was all him.

After we got married I would get rejected for sex a lot, and it was always under 2 minutes when it happened. I look good. I'm very young and blonde and thin and when I actually wear makeup I get hit on (by strangers) a lot. I tried everything I could to get his attention but he wasn't having it. So after a number of months I asked him about his porn habits. He was addicted to it. I was hurt deeply and incredibly angry. Regardless of your feelings on the matter of porn, he was hiding it from me, was deeply ashamed, and after a matter of months managed to stop. These months were hard because I kept discovering more things he was hiding from me. Weed (almost never used, but also never freely disclosed to me), how much of a pervert he was in general was discovered when he told me about conversations at work and when I saw his search history including looking for (nonexistant) porn of my family members. As I said, he changed. He felt so terrible when I found out that he changed (slowly) all on his own. At this point he's been porn free for almost 5 months and is much more trustworthy than he used to be. He usually tries to make me cum now. He rarely succeeds, but I do appreciate the effort and at this point I never expect to be satisfied by him anyway.

For the first 2 years we knew each other, we lived with his (ex) best friend. At first, Jake (we'll say), was fine. He had become very close to my husband and they did everything together. As my then boyfriend wanted to spend more of his free time alone with me, Jake came to hate me. Jake stole my stuff, broke my stuff, opened doors and windows whenever I turned on the AC, automatically assumed that anything that happened to his stuff was me trying to get revenge (which would accomplish what?!), complained that he was the only one doing house chores and became anal about things in the sink (after a year of me being the ONLY one who did the dishes or any other chores), while throwing things in the dishwasher (think caked on spaghetti, bowls of macaroni, and cups full of tobacco spit) without emptying or rinsing them. When he started messing with my kittens I was out. I moved in with my then fiancee's parents. Jake spent time there as well, and always spoke badly of me, to the point that my future inlaws stepped in. In all of this, my boyfriend/fiance was useless. Jake was less cruel to me when he was around, and acted like nothing was wrong when they were alone. My ISTP knew what was going on but I learned that he had never learned how to deal with conflict before, ever, and refused to do so. We cut off ties with Jake, and the wedding planning was underway, I was living with my ISTPs nice family, and I should have thought things through at that point, but I was excited to get married and thought we would be fine.

We now have a house that honestly I didn't want, but he and the inlaws and our stupid agent pressed me into, and I was young and stupid. He also got a truck that put us farther in debt. I'm on the loan, but I should have thought that through too. If he thinks he can afford it, he should afford it on his own. I drive a car that he bought for 300 and fixed some issue it had. I went into debt paying 700 for his truck down payment because I'm an idiot. He has 3 cars that don't run but could easily be sold. He means to sell them, but shit doesn't seem to get done unless I do it. Including paying regular bills, which he was ignoring when I moved in with him. He means to but between work and spending time with me he forgets everything else. He should not have a mechanic line of credit where he can buy tools and toolboxes because I don't think he's mature enough, but he does. This is the one bill that he physically pays, not me. After a few years I noticed that this debt going up instead of down. I gravely explained to him that he will stop buying tools faster than he pays for them. Yes, he makes like 3 times as much as I do but he is the reason that we can't afford groceries.

Recently I feel like I don't like him anymore. I used to love him because of the way he treats me, but now any thoughtfulness he has comes after months of nagging. I've started to complain to friends and coworkers about him, when I normally can't shut up about how sweet he is. He's noticed my touchiness, and it keeps him up. When something keeps him up, it keeps him up until I happen to wake up, see that he's awake, and help him go to sleep. So, it's been keeping me from sleeping too. I hate it when he touches me, but I let him so we can both sleep. I don't want to divorce him after I married him so young. Please keep this in mind if you reply. I'm really young and no one in my family has been divorced and I'm in his childhood town, thousands of miles from my own. I wish I had thought things through. At this moment I wish I had at least put off marrying him a few more years. I'm hoping someone has advice or helpful input, but really wishing for a miracle.
It sounds like you are resentful of how he acted with the roommate situation. Festering resentments can def lead to relationship doom. Though maybe he didn't act how you would have liked, but he did cut ties with his friend right? that shows you something at least. it sounds like you are unhappy with your situation about the house and car. is it just that you are feeling overwhelmed financially? houses can be sold. your hubby sounds like a hard worker who loves you and wants to be with you. that's the thing about marriage, you have to learn to accept the person as they are. think back to when you first got married, are they good memories? did you get married for the right reasons? can you see spending your whole life with this guy or would you rather be going it alone? in any case, if you do or don't decide to leave him, remember, you can't rely on one person for all your happiness. you need to make you happy yourself first before you can make anyone else happy. maybe you two just need to get creative in order to rekindle a flame that appears to be going out. like creative dates, celebrating anniversaries, stuff like that. he must love you if your unhappiness is keeping him awake at night. as far as his debts and stuff, that can be a problem, and good finances should definitely be a priority. i would suggest examining your finances very closely and try to come up with a solution so that money doesn't get wasted. as far as your having trouble affording food - have you ever read the books the tightwad gazette by amy dacyzyn? there's three of them. i have found a lot of valuable advice in those books in saving money and living better. (just thought i'd mention it.)
 
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