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What do you think which activity affects the child most negatively?

  • Not Caring For The Child

  • Hating The Child

  • Wanting To Change The Child

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ESFJ
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I'm a hated child. I didn't do anything wrong, but me being born was too much for my mother, ah. It did affect me negatively in my early childhood but I grew out of it by meeting other people. I think the worst thing would be to use or trap the child for the parent's agenda. For example, in the case there's a divorce and one person use the child to manipulate the other parent, or worse cases I don't even want to mention.

Since it wasn't written, I casted vote on "Change the child". Because in the case of "hating" or "not caring", the child usually can freely go out once he physically can. While in the case of wanting to change the child, the parent usually wants to have an active control on the children, which often includes controlling where the child can go, who the child can talk to, what the child can do, for an extended period of time.

I know adults friends who have controlling parents who want to shape them the way they want, and they often have to resort to "no contact" or other tricks in order to "run from" their parents. It looks like having a crazy ex who never wants to set you free, who never wants you to live your own life, and who's been here since your year 0. In the case of hating or not caring, the person I know are usually free: free to do anything and to feed themselves outside the family bubble, once they can go out on their own.
 

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INFJ 3w2, Tritype 351
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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
both my parents have masters degrees. im not buying their decisions were uneducated. simply a lack of effort. for example....my parents moved from africa when i was 7. my parents said "we didnt think about the consequences of racism when we put you in a white country and in an all white school". but when it came to whether or not to have another child, they were able to do cost benefit analysis as to whether a child would be worth it to them...

the toxic behaviors have continued into early adulthood. becoming more damaging as they seek control my life into adulthood. everyone always says "but im sure they still love you...you might understand it later". but when youve been on your death bed because of their choices on what is "best for you" and later been forcibly drugged just because you want the freedom to be yourself....you just have to accept you were birthed by evil people....because if how they treat me is out of "love"..... if that is love then i dont want anything to do with it
I understand you completely.
True love is different from Attachment. These kind of parents are just attached to their child. They don't love truly. True love allows the freedom to live in own ways. True love will understand, empathize, and will improve the child rather than directing them into certain behaviours just because parent is older/boss. Not all people are capable of true love.

i tell people all the time now, trying to live your life clinging to the idea you should make your parents happy can also be the thing that kills you. you dont owe them anything. no one does. no one asked to be born into this miserable existence
Parents who truly love their child will never let the child feel so bound that their child will have to impress them in order to breathe freely or feel worthy.
 

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ENTJ
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both my parents have masters degrees. im not buying their decisions were uneducated. simply a lack of effort. for example....my parents moved from africa when i was 7. my parents said "we didnt think about the consequences of racism when we put you in a white country and in an all white school". but when it came to whether or not to have another child, they were able to do cost benefit analysis as to whether a child would be worth it to them...
Degrees.. that's where the hubris starts.
You see, it's RACISM that's at fault here, not parents that have decided to uproot their child from his natural culture and put him in an institute-ridden, multiple century-old freerange cattle pen of a country(which is an unnatural leeching control grid that is unfit to rule anybody's life, honestly).. Oh, yes, you definitely will have a future in the homebase of the world's most notorious eugenicists/dystopia writers(I wonder where they get their ideas from)
I'm going to say something that might sound offensive somewhat but with no intention to, but I'm really wondering, have you thought about moving back to your home country? I think I'd seriously consider this were I in your position because of two main things:
1. Your parents can **** off
2. Your country of origin is (even if a dictatorship) a much more free place than England or anywhere in the 'first world' will ever be.
 

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ENTP
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Degrees.. that's where the hubris starts.
You see, it's RACISM that's at fault here, not parents that have decided to uproot their child from his natural culture and put him in an institute-ridden, multiple century-old freerange cattle pen of a country(which is an unnatural leeching control grid that is unfit to rule anybody's life, honestly).. Oh, yes, you definitely will have a future in the homebase of the world's most notorious eugenicists/dystopia writers(I wonder where they get their ideas from)
I'm going to say something that might sound offensive somewhat but with no intention to, but I'm really wondering, have you thought about moving back to your home country? I think I'd seriously consider this were I in your position because of two main things:
1. Your parents can **** off
2. Your country of origin is (even if a dictatorship) a much more free place than England or anywhere in the 'first world' will ever be.
youre funny

i would move back but the thing is ive grown up here for so long that i have become used to being english. even most black people in england think im very weird because i grew up around white people for so long...so when i go back they make me feel just as alien as i feel when in england

also my parents never taught me my own language. or any of the languages we speak so i cant speak to anyone really on a personal level. i dont know if you get me. most people speak english but they still switch languages quite often

my writings sometimes makes me seem like i hate my life and whatever... but overall my life is okay compared to most. i was just sharing to add as much context to my points because sometimes people cant understand you without seeing your proof of logic first, not everyone is a perceiver like that, so context is important.
 

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Ultimately- all three are negative and cover the other in one way or another. Like some have already said- a lot of the time it is due to ignorance in various forms.
 

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ISTP 5w4
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i hate my parents. its more common for kids to hate their parents because parents have the ability to ruin your life forever. but most dont mean to make you miserable forever. they are just not capable of understanding the damage they are doing. some parents dont actually care because they only think of themselves and what they think is good without considering the emotions of the child. for example it is still common in many cultures to beat your children when they mess up. but that leads to self hate, self harm and teaching to solve issues with violence. but its seen as tradition in many cultures so many parents (even people that suffer and have suffered) to excuse it as "its just how things are done". without realizing they are committing domestic abuse.
Especially when the parents excuse their actions as "this is how you'll be treated in the real world" and "we know what's best for you." I do think most parents genuinely care about what's best for their kids, but they take it too far and they fail to display this in a healthy manner. I don't hate my parents, but I've never liked their parenting style. Overall relationship with my parents is a bit strained because of this.
 
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