Personality Cafe banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Sorry to impose on your wonderful ENFJ loveliness, but I have a scenario and a couple of questions I'd like to pose. Basically, I'm head over heels for this ENFJ I know (which some of you may know from a few 'halp!' threads xD) and our relationship... kind of hit-and-miss. But! I have his attention right now, and I'm very aware of how often I catch his eye and how he flirts --at least through text. Playful banter is fantastic, but I really want to keep the momentum going, make him feel good about himself, and maintain the sexual tension he ignites (and maybe one day he'll build up the nerve to actually come to me in person xD). We INTPs don't focus on the physical much, and it occurred to me today that if I want my words to have impact, I may need to become more proficient in ENFJ communication. So!

1) What kind of compliments make you feel the best about yourself? The happiest, or the most appreciated, or the most secure? They can be things others have said to you that have really had an impact, or things you secretly wish they -would- say.

2) And what kind of compliments or banter gets you hot for someone you're attracted to?

3) If you're working on flirting up a storm, is there anything that kills it for you?

4) Have you ever had an instance where someone gave you what they thought was a compliment, but actually end up making you feel worse instead?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,695 Posts
Sorry to impose on your wonderful ENFJ loveliness, but I have a scenario and a couple of questions I'd like to pose. Basically, I'm head over heels for this ENFJ I know (which some of you may know from a few 'halp!' threads xD) and our relationship... kind of hit-and-miss. But! I have his attention right now, and I'm very aware of how often I catch his eye and how he flirts --at least through text. Playful banter is fantastic, but I really want to keep the momentum going, make him feel good about himself, and maintain the sexual tension he ignites (and maybe one day he'll build up the nerve to actually come to me in person xD). We INTPs don't focus on the physical much, and it occurred to me today that if I want my words to have impact, I may need to become more proficient in ENFJ communication. So!

1) What kind of compliments make you feel the best about yourself? The happiest, or the most appreciated, or the most secure? They can be things others have said to you that have really had an impact, or things you secretly wish they -would- say.
Genuine ones. My boss told me the other day that I was building a bridge between design and function. It's articulate and it says something deeper about my skills and talents. Another one - told to me by an ex, who was an INTP - was that I had a certain kind of unique energy that was really captivating. That was a cool one. I love compliments. :D

2) And what kind of compliments or banter gets you hot for someone you're attracted to?
Witty, short quips back and forth, followed by genuine compliments will get me swooning.

3) If you're working on flirting up a storm, is there anything that kills it for you?
If the person behaves like a child, tries to exert a sense of self-importance by bring up status-related things, like "Oh, I know so and so, he's a millionaire with flat in Singapore", and one thing you must watch out for as an INTP - if an ENFJ gets serious about their emotions....do...not...change the subject and start talking about something non-feeling related.

4) Have you ever had an instance where someone gave you what they thought was a compliment, but actually end up making you feel worse instead?Probably avoid commenting on them being too emotional or sensitive, even if you think you're giving a compliment. Anything that has conditions. Oh, and one I got recently "You're a lot cooler than I thought you'd be." Not the worst, but....just don't say it. lol.
I know I'm not a dude, but hope that helps!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thanks, Happy! :3 Oh, I wasn't only petitioning the males -- I'm really aiming to getting a better view of the ENFJ mindset has a whole type. Naturally, every individual is different, so I'm not going to make any assumptions. But~ just seeing your inclinations as a group may help me understand more, and also help me read between his lines... and if not, well, as an INTP there's no way additional data can be considered a bad thing even if it goes unused. xD

(Fortunately I love hearing about his emotions, so no issue there! Though it is something I should keep in mind more when it comes to some of my other F-type friends...)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,113 Posts
Everything that happy about nothing said!
Funny. The first answer is exactly what I typed out last night before my PC crashed.

I'd add that if a compliment is brushed off, for me anyways, having someone say something along the lines of "you don't have to think (blah blah blah compliment) is true, but I still do."

Makes it feel really genuine to me. We don't all have the same view. So I might not think I'm awesome, but someone else insisting I am, that makes me all happy inside. No guilt in it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,770 Posts


I love threads like that! So many yummy questions to answer. So much Ni to flex.

Sorry to impose on your wonderful ENFJ loveliness-
No, please feel free to impose whenever you'd like. We love helping out! :kitteh:

1) What kind of compliments make you feel the best about yourself? The happiest, or the most appreciated, or the most secure? They can be things others have said to you that have really had an impact, or things you secretly wish they -would- say.
I'm not sure which is the best but I'll try to run down some of the things I've experienced and tend to notice myself.

Personal Style

In terms of fashion and how we choose to portray ourselves, I believe that most healthy ENFJs tend to have a distinct look about them. I'm not saying that we all look the same, in fact, it's probably quite the contrary, as each of us will tend to develop a certain look that we'd like to call our own.

A masterclass example of this would definitely be @Happy about Nothing. If you frequent our ENFJ pictures thread often, you'd notice that she's fly as hell :cool:. There's just that distinct look that we invest a lot of effort into developing which tends to separate us from other people who would just dress to suit the norm.

As for myself, I'm going for a broader more muscular lumberjack US marine build with plaid shirts or oxfords and jeans that really contrasts how most Asians look, or at least where I live. Still work in progress though :bored:. But yeah, taking the time to notice and appreciate our own individual unique style is something that I'd assume is something that we'd appreciate.

Saying we have nice eyes or lovely features (things we have little control over) does also make us feel good but definitely don't exceed the recommended dosage.

Music Dedication or Fictional Comparisons

Besides that, another good technique I haven't seen practiced too often these days is using music or film references to our advantage when complimenting someone.

If you're someone who can't live without music and happen to find a track that reminds you of your ENFJ, you could message or text that song to that person saying "this song reminds me of you" or "wanna dedicate this song to you" which will definitely fire up our Ni as we'll probably listen to the song a few times while trying to figure out which part you feel relates to us.

When it comes to film references, it's one thing to say that we have good leadership skills but saying "You remind me of Captain America" does work really well as we then have an image to refer to. Once, I had an ISFJ friend say "If we were in an anime, you'd be like the passionate redhead protagonist leader that inspires everyone to fight together" which felt awesome.

Besides that, there was this time someone said I reminded him of Mance Rayder from Game of Thrones, which was an unconventional leader who chose to abandon old and archaic rules to unite a divided group of people together to fight for a greater cause. That shit was inspiring cause I knew that character and had a frame of reference to look up to.

Build a Nice Nest

Aww yeeeah, girl I like recently told me that I had an awesome bedroom which was such an uplift for me personally.

I take my room as an extension of myself - my fortress and mind palace. I believe that the appearance of a person's bedroom speaks volumes about the person's general vibe.

Each poster is one that means something, properly framed and hung up. Walls painted a certain color and table lamps with warm lightbulbs placed at strategic corners to create a specific ambiance. It is the physical personification of my Fe.

Acknowledging what I created as pleasant shows reflects on my ability and prowess as a homeowner and wanting to cozy up around my nest is one way of saying "I really really really dig you" cause as cliched as it sounds, home is where the heart is and all that.

So if you're lucky enough to be invited to your ENFJ's home and if he does spend time actually making it look good, be sure to let it be known that you like being in his environment.

Besides, if you win, that's where you'll be spending loads of time with him, especially for introverts.

Next Level Stuff

If you really wanna try to take things to the next level, compliments will get you only so far. Going beyond that, try to show some degree of interest in our lives or interests. Try and pick up on the things we like or care about (like exercise, music, movies or GAME OF THRONES) and find a way to involve yourselves with us based on that.

Make plans to hang out with us one on one (which is our preferred mode of interaction) and during our time spent together with us, either confide in us or let us ramble on about the things we find interesting in our lives. The earlier shows that you trust us and are being genuine with us which is a core attribute we look for in a partner - someone who trusts us. The latter helps us gauge how well we'd fit together as a couple based on our interests.

We love to speculate these things and being alone with us should be the way to go if you're looking for something long term with an ENFJ. Most importantly, be yourself and if that involves being goofy or silly, go right on ahead cause we can easily tell when someone's holding back from us which shows distrust or uncertainty.

2) And what kind of compliments or banter gets you hot for someone you're attracted to?


Personally, I'm a Liverpool FC fan and if my team does shite (which is something I've come to expect as of late), putting on a Manchester United jersey (rival team) and creating dumb banter is one way to rile my ass up.
:1892:

But going back to what I said earlier, the greatest compliment I can ever hope to receive from someone I'm attracted to is her comfort in my company. If you're completely at ease around me and showing that you're having fun at the same time with ZERO uncertainty, I'll seriously start planning some big things.

Besides that, ENFJs are purposeful and arrogant creatures at the same time. Thus, challenging us or the occasional friendly backhanded compliment will definitely get our hearts racing. For example, before football, confidently tease and bet that I won't score a goal or you'll do X Y and Z and I'll fight damn hard to prove a point.

3) If you're working on flirting up a storm, is there anything that kills it for you?
Saying it again, distrust or failing to be genuine.

We're sorta part-time mind readers (INFJs being full-time) and we can pick it up when our advances are not registering or when you're saying something you don't really mean.

My greatest turnoff would be being in company that doesn't really want me there. That's the insect repellent to this ENFJ mosquito.

4) Have you ever had an instance where someone gave you what they thought was a compliment, but actually end up making you feel worse instead?
Saying I lost weight when I obviously didn't?

"You're a lot cooler than I thought you'd be."
It does feel weird for me in a bit but in these things, I try not to focus too much on the past and see where I can take things in the current. Perhaps I got it so many times in the past that I'm just not affected so much by it anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Aw, you guys are awesome! It wasn't my attention to turn this into a relationship advice thread -- there's already so many of those! -- so much as to just provide a little background for my inquiries. But! Since you guys are being so attentive to that premise, I'm delighted to announce that he did tell me he feels ready to 'try it'. I was happy enough to let it stay vague for now so I wouldn't call it dating, but that doesn't bother me. This is the shot I've been working to earn for the past seven months! And it means a lot to me -- and I bodes well, I think -- that he's willing to set aside the fact that we work for the same company, which he always kind of fretted wouldn't appear appropriate (even though we don't work in the same department). I've noticed this sentiment echoed by other ENFJs here, which has really helped me appreciate the sincerity of the anxiety even though I don't personally think it's a big deal. Busy schedules have prevented us from setting a specific day to meet up, but just the fact that he agreed to do something outside of work is amazing to me. :3 In a one-on-one environment it'll be a lot easier for me to show him who I really am -- and see more of who he is -- and honestly other than the usual jitters I think (assuming he doesn't panic and cancel) I'll have it in the bag once I get to be around him in person. xD

But I digress! I still want to hear what everyone has to say~

No guilt in it.
This is a sentiment I see a lot from ENFJs, too, and it fascinates me. Sometimes I'm afraid if I pay him a compliment that's too extravagant, even if I mean it earnestly (and I always do), he'll somehow feel undeserving and it'll have the reverse effect. I told him he was perfection once, and received a whole list of reasons why it's an illusion he builds up to maintain the image of someone respectable. Buuuut~ I'm way too keen to be fooled by facades, and I think he's starting to appreciate that it's not his facade I'm smitten with, and it's not his facade I'm complimenting.

The guilt, though! You guys' propensity for guilt kills me. Like my heart physically aches when I witness it, especially when it deals with things you shouldn't feel are your responsibility. That just seems like a heavy burden to take on so much, and it feels like a recipe for encouraging depressive episodes of really poor self-esteem. :/

Personal Style
Music Dedication or Fictional Comparisons
Build a Nice Nest
These are all really, really awesome traits and very interesting to me. None of these are a problem for me, but having them brought to my attention is definitely useful! I'd never say something insincere, but it might influence the -way- I pose a thought. And I never have a shortage of thoughts, so it helps me decide which thoughts to expose and which ones to filter. Music is a shared passion, but sadly I'm still in that stage where every song makes me think of him, so xD

Mance Rayder is awesome! That does sound like a compliment to never forget xD Speaking of that and nests, my own nest features a few GoT map posters up on the wall, since I've been devouring the books recently. I loooove nests, and though I don't think about it as deeply as what you described, I agree entirely that it says so much about who you are. Mine is full of tacked up miscellany, comic/manga excerpts, and boooooks everywhere... and the idea that my crush may have an expressive nest is such an endearing one. I mean, people's personal spaces are always fascinating (assuming the individual is interesting, I guess) and precious, and being allowed inside is an honor worth being excited for~

Next Level Stuff
All done and things I'm genuinely excited for! Except~

Comfort and uncertainty is something I'm still working on. I'm naturally very withdrawn and subdued IRL, and not very expressive (or subtly expressive, really), which is funny because in my head I'm very animated, and that's why I come off as super enthusiastic through text. I sincerely do feel enthusiastic, I just... idk, physical expression is hard. I'm working on it, though! And it seems like he's trying to meet me halfway, because he sometimes makes comments about my current mood inferred from minor changes in mannerisms and posture. As an INTP, that ability and perceptiveness is deeply appreciated. That's the kind of thing that makes me feel like my perfect match is destined to be an F-type rather than a T... and in return, he's stated that my proficiency in psychoanalysis kind of freaks him out sometimes. xD But that's my dom Ti in action, of course.

Truly fascinating, all. I never tire of discussing MBTI, or just people in general.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
This is a sentiment I see a lot from ENFJs, too, and it fascinates me. Sometimes I'm afraid if I pay him a compliment that's too extravagant, even if I mean it earnestly (and I always do), he'll somehow feel undeserving and it'll have the reverse effect. I told him he was perfection once, and received a whole list of reasons why it's an illusion he builds up to maintain the image of someone respectable. Buuuut~ I'm way too keen to be fooled by facades, and I think he's starting to appreciate that it's not his facade I'm smitten with, and it's not his facade I'm complimenting.
This!
I went though this with the ENTJ once...
I am not the type to compliment people, especially when I am not feeling strog about that particular thing. Moreover, sharing how I feel about someone puts me in such a vulnerable position, that most times I'd rather just not do it.
But with this ENTJ I just can't help expressing my feelings :rolleyes:
So, long story short, I tell him that I think he is perfect, and he gives me a list of reasons why he is not. Ifelt as if he was actually trying to prove me wrong (it might be an INTJ thing). Felt so bad about it... :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
This is a sentiment I see a lot from ENFJs, too, and it fascinates me. Sometimes I'm afraid if I pay him a compliment that's too extravagant, even if I mean it earnestly (and I always do), he'll somehow feel undeserving and it'll have the reverse effect. I told him he was perfection once, and received a whole list of reasons why it's an illusion he builds up to maintain the image of someone respectable. Buuuut~ I'm way too keen to be fooled by facades, and I think he's starting to appreciate that it's not his facade I'm smitten with, and it's not his facade I'm complimenting.

Guilty. I can feel all the feelings going through that monologue you must of received with explanations of that certain shield/Illusion.

It is really hard to grab a compliment if somewhere deep inside your head you have already established why you are not special if someone says that particular compliment about you. You feel guilt for making someone think you are better than you really are.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top