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Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed it. There is a quote in the movie “into the wild” that says : The fragility of a crystal is not a weakness, but a fineness “ your encouraging words reminded me of this.
 

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Hi. I feel empty. In the past I would look for people here to talk to me, listen to my problems or befriends, but now I've realised is not so easy to get to know a person out of nothing, and non personal interaction lacks something. That makes me sad, because I don't think I will find a real friend in the sphere of people I currently move.
I feel bored and lonely...
Same. I feel lonely and empty too.

There's too much insensitivity around me irl that I'm forced to hide my feelings all the time, even thoughts and opinions. It's like I don't matter to anyone at all. I don't plan on being popular or anything, but I just wish someone would appreciate me for who I really am...
 

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sometimes its hard to find meaning in life and thats ok.
 

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I wrote this a couple nights ago. I was going to post it in the "Tell a Personality Cafe Member What You Think of Them" thread, but it spiraled out of control and became something completely different.

It's sort of about how...you have these longings but you dismiss them, when actually you should take those longings and imagine them being fulfilled. And how this process of fantasizing brings about wholeness.

****


Sensitivity is Beautiful


You feel ugly because you are groundless and lost, while everybody else seems to be found and firmly planted. You feel separate, distinct, isolated. And you may be all of those things, but you are still not ugly.

When I see you, I see an intelligent, sensitive, creative, caring, conscientious, all-around amazing person. You have high expectations. And you are so determined to achieve them, to become this better person, that you feel ... it is worth the shame, the pain, the estrangement, the sense of being all by yourself ... but not even having that self which you can turn to, because everything is unstable, uncontrollable, and anxious.

I want you to recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. You want to believe this, but the rest of the world seems to suggest that you are inferior, hypersensitive, unrealistic, too emotional, too melancholic, too serious -- too everything, and not enough of everything else. Does that sound familiar? :happy:

This is not your final incarnation. Those who say you have a long ways to go and much to improve on (even if it's only you who says this) are right. However, it is not because you are deficient compared to the average person. It is because your uniqueness gives you the potential to outstrip the ordinary and become something extraordinary.

If these words sound hollow and empty, and like they were directed at someone better than you, then take comfort in the fact that I feel the same even as I'm writing these words. "I'm in no position to inspire or be inspired...this doesn't work for me." If what I'm writing now is useless, just be honest and say it didn't help, so I can feel worthless and come crying to all of you next! 😆

See yourself as others actually see you. Your sensitivity is beautiful. Your willingness and drive to share yourself is borne out of a personal need, but the end result is inspiring to others, and very lovely. I get great joy out of looking on here, finding all of these sad/depressed/lonely NF's, and being able to give them virtual hugs. :happy: When I don't have the first clue how to help you, I still feel better connected to you, like you're more real, and like you matter to me. And that's a feeling which I wish I had more in real life. I wish I could see through people, because then I couldn't help but love everyone. When people put up their masks and I don't see things the way that they do, that is when I have trouble relating to a person.

(Well, there are people who really piss me off who I dislike the more I get to know them. But if I could only see things through their eyes, everything would be better.)

When you are confused, deficient, and sad ... hug yourself, or get someone else to hug you. Because you deserve it. All of you seekers wandering about ... when do you rest? When do you let someone tell you, "I really like who you are, and the more I get to know you, the more it makes sense. You have your reasons for feeling as you do."

You behave as any person in your situation would.


Visualizing Your Protector

When you feel lonely and abandoned, may you be cherished, loved, and comforted. I hope someone puts their arms around you and touches you with such delicateness and care -- like they were tending to a sick child of polishing a beautiful crystal -- that the depth of their tenderness and warmth makes you break down into tears. :happy: And then they will wipe your tears and feel touched that they were able to have an impact, and just feel that much more convinced that you are a person worth loving.

Isn't that the ultimate fantasy? When we seek love, it's not Prince Charming or the blonde bombshell. It's an angel who floats beside us at all times, and when we are hurt ... blankets us in its wings and makes us feel beautiful. Someone who, every time you look up, looks back with soft eyes, a soft smile, everything soft and gentle. Someone who, no matter how deep you sink, is there smiling lightly, listening and watching.

I hope you find the people who treasure your fragility -- who view it not as a weakness, but just an indication that the more valuable and precious things in this world require extra care and gentleness... [hug]


Q&A

1. When will I ever find someone like that?

You are that person. If you were able to imagine that angel, then for that moment, you were being healed by some part of you which, although part of a fantasy, was still your real creation. Notice how, when you imagine this perfect person, sometimes you take on their perspective...you see yourself from the eyes of the person who is healing you. You are this person--who else could this angel possibly be when it's only your imagination and nobody else's?

2. It only makes me sadder, more desperate, and more anxious to think about what I will never have. There is nobody like that in this world.

If your sadness deepens, then so can your care for yourself. Taking care of yourself and taking personal responsibility for your own suffering and being slightly more independent does not mean "sucking it up" and trying to play the tough guy. That is what people usually mean when they tell someone to cheer up...stifling your feelings. I'm saying that healing yourself actually requires the opposite approach. You need to get into even deeper touch with your feelings, encountering yourself in solitude and breaking through the barriers which other people create, opening up to yourself. And, like an angel ... embracing, caring for, and feeling empathy and compassion towards yourself. When you see yourself as this weak, feeble, innocent, naked infant crawling around and crying desperately for help...it means cradling and nurturing that weak self that you find. <3

I'm basically saying, try to put all of that sensitivity and emotionality and heavy-heartedness to some good. You deserve everything that you wish for. :happy:

3. But it's like, I see this angel in the fantasy, and then I realize, "It's just a fantasy," and I awaken to the cold, cruel reality of a world in which I am by myself, and there are no guardians or protectors. I'm stranded, and this imaginary vision only heightens my longing and anguish...because I know it can never be real, even though I will never feel complete until I find someone like that. If only someone could do that...

Actually, your fantasies are very real. They are as real as your dreams. You are experiencing them, and you are perceiving and feeling them as if they were real. This is not about escapism or denying reality. It is about you looking inside yourself, retreating into your interior temporarily, and finding refuge in your thoughts. Then, when you are refreshed, relaxed, and feeling okay, you return to the world. And yet, you've never really left the world.

Is this imaginary vision so different from all the countless visualization practices or prayers in different religions? Are the romantic poets escapists because they transform their deepest yearnings and fantasies into works of art? No -- your imagination is very real, and you should use it to your advantage. It could be argued that the real world only exists the way that it does because of your imagination filling in different details, linking together pieces, creating connections, and practically filling in the world like a child drawing in a coloring book.

The point is that, by imagining yourself a certain way, you actually are that way in the moment, and it creates the conditions for you becoming that more often in the future without even trying.

****

I haven't ever read a self-help book, or religious text, or philosophical treatise, or meditation manual which seemed like it was specifically tailored for me. So, I have had to improvise by looking at what I'm naturally darwn to and seeing if there's anything I can draw out of that. You'll have to figure out what works for you and create your own personal practice designed for someone with your needs and idiosyncrasies.

I've had this kind of fantasy for a while--about this sort of angelic protector being spreading its wings and comforting me, but I never actually used it to my advantage. But it seems very good...using one's very weaknesses as the main force driving your growth and healing.

****

Even if another person rejects you, it isn't that person's acceptance which you're seeking. It's acceptance, harmony, and wholeness in general. The feeling of absence originates from you, not from the person who rejects you. Which is why less sensitive people, who are not as dependent on others for a sense of self-worth, are not as devastated or unsettled by the same kinds of things (criticism, conflict, etc.).

The typical solution proposed to sensitive people for dealing with the world is to try to become one of those less sensitive people, and to eradicate who you are. I feel that this is completely wrong. Even if becoming less sensitive were something worth striving for, you would not succeed by trying to wipe out or erase your feelings. You can only move past a fixation by moving through it, not away from it. You put yourself in the middle of it, come to terms with it, and then spontaneously let go of it after you've had enough of it. But anyways, sensitivity is not something to let go of.

****

For those who say that fantasy is distinct from reality, I disagree. I believe that fantasy is the cause of many problems which seem to be real. We have myths about ourselves, and all that I'm doing is providing some different myths which may serve to counteract the old ones.

When you are lonely, you are not in touch with reality directly. You are actually engaging with an imaginary self. You probably have this image of your lonely self and some other pictures in your head. Maybe, you're recalling past times when you were lonely, or other lonely people you've seen in the past, movies, books, etc. You're superimposing all of that unreal material on top of the existing reality. It's only real insofar as you see it, it affects you, and it seems like that's how things really are.

But there are other possible imaginations, other possible cognitions, and other possible emotional responses. You were just likely enough to have arrived at whatever interpretation of things you have right now. Don't discredit the way you view things too much, because it's undeniably your present reality. But, recognize that you don't always have to view things that way, and you might see things differently in the future.

wow this is really amazing!! great writeup. and i totally agree. this method healed me.
 

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Hello, I'd like 1 validation please, no pickles.
 
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I just want a goshdamn person I can open up to and be intimate (not necessarily romantic, just more sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings) with without being judged or having fear of judgement, and just somebody, somebody! I can be a goofball with. No filters!
🤬😭😭😭
 

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I just want a goshdamn person I can open up to and be intimate (not necessarily romantic, just more sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings) with without being judged or having fear of judgement, and just somebody, somebody! I can be a goofball with. No filters!
🤬😭😭😭
I feel this on so many levels. It seems like anytime I open up to people about my feelings, they get sort of overwhelmed by things and they always end up looking at me oddly. This is why it's very hard for me to open up to people because so many people judge. If you ever need someone to talk to, send me a message. :)
 
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