I can't find the INFP feeling thread and I'm a mess today, so going to just write here.
I feel like I want to have this neat, tidy map of how things should be, which can be overlayed on how they are. There is someone for everyone and people can all get along etc. It's probably childish and it sort of reminds me of how my grandma used to make her bed...like everything is perfectly in its place.
So it's like that or like some kind of map.
And I just feel so sad today because I don't know if it's real or if I am on that map of love. I don't know if there is a place for me, or that's how I feel.
I had a dream as a young child, that I was flying and then I got sucked down onto this Tupperware of archeopteryx like, fierce reptilian creatures. And they were just clawing to get out.
I associate the Tupperware with my grandma--it's like she put all the evils in the world in a Tupperware. But I don't know if I have the Tupperware magic to live like that. And now I find myself falling away from my childishly scribbled map of how everything is fine and love is supposed to work this way.
I think I just need to work on the map better--if I made a mistake I can just update it. Probably less of a map and more of a chart--like Thomas Aquinas thing--it probably has a name but idk and it's five in the morning. Theological map or something.
Necessary love of neighbor
The basic commandments is "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." From these follows three points regarding the love of our neighbor we must have:
First, it must be true love, that is, we must love him or her not in the sense that we may love chocolate or wine. When we love these we refer them to ourselves, whom we properly love. We must love our neighbors so as to will them good for their own sake, and not only inasmuch as they are pleasant or helpful to use.
Secondly, we must love our neighbor with an ordered love. Everyone loves his spiritual nature more than his bodily nature. This is evident from the fact that no one would prefer being an idiot to being blind. So also we must love the spiritual good of our neighbor more than his bodily good, and again, we must love his bodily good more than his external goods.
Thirdly, we must love our neighbors with a holy love, inasmuch as we must love both ourselves and them as made in the likeness of God, as ordered to God, and as called to communion with him. Since what is ordered to God is called holy, loving our neighbor for God's sake is a holy love.
Fourthly, we must love our neighbor with an efficacious love, that is, a love that proves itself by deeds, as St. John says, "let us not love in word or in speech, but in deed and in truth."
Perhaps I should read Thomas Aquinas or maybe some Buddhist texts.
What would be satisfying to me for selfish reasons? Being understood, having intimacy--physical intimacy too. I feel like humans sort of evolved to...or maybe it was just how I was raised, in part, feel safer when close proximity to those they trust. Being understood and accepted. Being loved and being able to feel that love. And of course being able to love and give the love that doesn't hurt anyone, but instead makes everything better for everyone. Having my spiritual health cared about, and emotional health, and physical health. I guess that's love.
It is early in the morning and I did sleep a few hours but woke up at 2am. The time reminds me of the Rumi poem:
But I am tired--and yet if I go back to sleep, but I think he means it metaphorically.
But the sun is coming up now.