Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 67 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,271 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
How many of you will admit that once in your life you've experienced it? It's a kind of feeling that I'm suppressing and even denying to myself. I am married and yet I have this strong, deep love for this person I only met online. I understand now why I felt this way like I've never felt before in my entire life. He is one of the ideal match in my personality type. It's like I'm committing a sin, but I'm not doing anything aside from talking to him. Good thing, he wouldn't commit to anyone, not even me because of his "playboy nature". I'm glad that we're just more like best friends, at least my guilt lessens. I have never felt this long lasting love for anyone, and not this deep. It's like I want to take care of him and love him in an unconditional way. I'm not telling this to anyone because it's wrong, and I can't also tell it to him 'cause he would just go away if I did. I just can't express how much I love him.

If someone has similar experience, how did you manage/cope with having an illicit love affair? What have you learned about experiencing this forbidden love?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
129 Posts
I completely understand you, although I'm not married. I'm always atracted to people who live faraway or are somehow unavaible.
Last summer I met a guy from Germany, on a site, also an INTP. We talked 5 times, but those conversations were really long and deep, then we had a quarel, and stopped everything. I fell in love. I have never found a guy with whom I could talk in that way, all of them were shallow. But he just stopped talking to me, so I had to forget him. Damn, he broke my heart. But after almost 9 months, I've forgotten him. It was hard, but nothing is impossible.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,157 Posts
My freshman year in college I got a HUGE crush on my TaeKwonDo instructor. Who is 7 years my senior and (now) engaged. I didnt do anything, and just let the infatuation run its course. I am still in the club, and there is no longer any 'romantic' feelings towards him; just friendliness
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
847 Posts
While I was married I twice experienced a serious crush that came on suddenly and really strongly. My marriage was very lonely, and my husband unkind, so no surprise that both of my "crushes" demonstrated genuine kindness towards me, and that was a big part of what drew me.

However much I loved feeling so alive as I did when I experienced the excitement of these crushes, I knew it was wrong, to "commit adultery in my heart". I certainly knew I wouldn't want my husband doing this. So I was not happy with myself in this situation, however, willing myself to stop it did not stop it. I found that to stop it I needed help outside of myself, or, supernatural grace from God.

I thought of the holiest people I had read about, and a common thread in their lives was some form of confession. So I made a "confession" face-to-face of my problem with someone else. I picked an older prayerful woman from my church and asked her to pray for me, and told a couple other prayerful friends by phone and asked them to pray. I cannot tell you how powerfully it breaks the sin if you confess to another, if it is no longer a secret in the dark, unbeknownst to anyone. (I doubt anonymously sharing it on the internet helps much). That and avoiding the person was the key to gettign over the crush. So it was:

1. Confession to another, face-to-face
2. prayer for God to help me get out of it
3. avoidance

The second time "getting over it" went a lot faster because I knew what to do. Now I am Catholic, and would just go to confession over it. Confidential, and efficacious!

Once also when I was married, I mistakenly, out of the blue, completely unplanned, gave a male colleague a "help me" look at lunch. It was a fleeting look, but he about fell out of his chair, and completely changed his demeanor with me after that. As if I had said, "Come hither!" I was so embarrassed, I did not want to start somethign up at work or anywhere else! I just completely avoided him after that. Which was hard, since we had meetings together. Things eventually returned to normal...

That and the other incidences should have told me, something was seriously wrong with my marraige! I knew it wasn't good, but it was a seriously disordered marraige I was in and I had no idea how very bad it was at the time.

So because of that, I would suggest that maybe if you are vulnerable to a crush, there might be some serious flaws in your marriage that you need to understand better, and address, if possible, with a good counselor. Some advice I got at the time, which I now in hindsight think was on target, was that if I was vulnerable in this way, my husband was in some way not loving me properly. (That was sure right! I wish someone had emphasized to me that to be loved was a normal expectation for a marriage.)

Also, another point which turned out to be true was that if I was experiencing this attraction to another man, likely, at the same time, my husband was experiencing an attrraction to another woman. The woman who told me this said she had seen it over and over again.

Turns out, he was flirting with another woman from his work at the time. I saw this clearly at an office party spouses were invited too, but did not dare confront him because he would ahve denied it and said I was crazy. So how I dealt with that is another funny story - I "love-bombed" him at work, sending in treats to his co-workers, a giant tray with three kinds of homebaked cookies one day, a massive vegetable dip tray another day, and I was arranging a "just because I love you" singing-gram with balloons when he called me from work to beg me to please stop sending gifts since it was getting him so much attention/questions/jokes at work about what his wife was up to... Well, I did make my point, they could all see he had a wife who cared at home, making it a little embarassing to always be slipping out with his coworker... That was lots of fun. Its a long story I won't explain, but later this tight friendship did break up, and the woman's husband, whom I had met only breifly at some previous office party, approached me when I arrived at the company picnic that summer and gave me a great big lingering hug. For giving his wife back, I presume. Yes, that was an adventure, but our marriage was way too broken to be fixed...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,195 Posts
My INTJ teacher and I were attracted to each other and we both wondered about the possibilities to each other, but nothing ever happened.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,045 Posts
Only forbidden in the sense that no one in a million years would ever picture us being together. It's not easy loving from afar but I'm not giving up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,271 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
It's only forbidden because you forbid it.

If you feel what you feel, how can it be wrong?
Feelings have no sense of what is right or wrong. It can only be wrong if you act upon it.
The problem is, my mind says it's wrong buy my feelings can't alter it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,271 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
I completely understand you, although I'm not married. I'm always atracted to people who live faraway or are somehow unavaible.
Last summer I met a guy from Germany, on a site, also an INTP. We talked 5 times, but those conversations were really long and deep, then we had a quarel, and stopped everything. I fell in love. I have never found a guy with whom I could talk in that way, all of them were shallow. But he just stopped talking to me, so I had to forget him. Damn, he broke my heart. But after almost 9 months, I've forgotten him. It was hard, but nothing is impossible.
Me too, I have never talked to anyone on a deeper intellectual level than with him. Even though there were months when we didn't talk, my mind cannot forget the one who can relate to what I'm thinking. He is ENTP by the way. Forgetting him is like losing a part of me, and it feels like the pain he caused is like an illness that is incurable.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
7,928 Posts
Feelings have no sense of what is right or wrong. It can only be wrong if you act upon it.
The problem is, my mind says it's wrong buy my feelings can't alter it.
Don't feel guilt about it, just accept that you're human and weak.
I'm not saying act on it, but making yourself feel bad about it is not any better than acting on it.


Chances are you feel that affection for that person for one reason or another. The sooner you come to realize this reason, the better you'll be. My guess is that you're bored with your current relationship and that playboy represents a carefree lifestyle that you think you would enjoy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,271 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
While I was married I twice experienced a serious crush that came on suddenly and really strongly. My marriage was very lonely, and my husband unkind, so no surprise that both of my "crushes" demonstrated genuine kindness towards me, and that was a big part of what drew me.

However much I loved feeling so alive as I did when I experienced the excitement of these crushes, I knew it was wrong, to "commit adultery in my heart". I certainly knew I wouldn't want my husband doing this. So I was not happy with myself in this situation, however, willing myself to stop it did not stop it. I found that to stop it I needed help outside of myself, or, supernatural grace from God.

I thought of the holiest people I had read about, and a common thread in their lives was some form of confession. So I made a "confession" face-to-face of my problem with someone else. I picked an older prayerful woman from my church and asked her to pray for me, and told a couple other prayerful friends by phone and asked them to pray. I cannot tell you how powerfully it breaks the sin if you confess to another, if it is no longer a secret in the dark, unbeknownst to anyone. (I doubt anonymously sharing it on the internet helps much). That and avoiding the person was the key to gettign over the crush. So it was:

1. Confession to another, face-to-face
2. prayer for God to help me get out of it
3. avoidance

The second time "getting over it" went a lot faster because I knew what to do. Now I am Catholic, and would just go to confession over it. Confidential, and efficacious!

Once also when I was married, I mistakenly, out of the blue, completely unplanned, gave a male colleague a "help me" look at lunch. It was a fleeting look, but he about fell out of his chair, and completely changed his demeanor with me after that. As if I had said, "Come hither!" I was so embarrassed, I did not want to start somethign up at work or anywhere else! I just completely avoided him after that. Which was hard, since we had meetings together. Things eventually returned to normal...

That and the other incidences should have told me, something was seriously wrong with my marraige! I knew it wasn't good, but it was a seriously disordered marraige I was in and I had no idea how very bad it was at the time.

So because of that, I would suggest that maybe if you are vulnerable to a crush, there might be some serious flaws in your marriage that you need to understand better, and address, if possible, with a good counselor. Some advice I got at the time, which I now in hindsight think was on target, was that if I was vulnerable in this way, my husband was in some way not loving me properly. (That was sure right! I wish someone had emphasized to me that to be loved was a normal expectation for a marriage.)

Also, another point which turned out to be true was that if I was experiencing this attraction to another man, likely, at the same time, my husband was experiencing an attrraction to another woman. The woman who told me this said she had seen it over and over again.

Turns out, he was flirting with another woman from his work at the time. I saw this clearly at an office party spouses were invited too, but did not dare confront him because he would ahve denied it and said I was crazy. So how I dealt with that is another funny story - I "love-bombed" him at work, sending in treats to his co-workers, a giant tray with three kinds of homebaked cookies one day, a massive vegetable dip tray another day, and I was arranging a "just because I love you" singing-gram with balloons when he called me from work to beg me to please stop sending gifts since it was getting him so much attention/questions/jokes at work about what his wife was up to... Well, I did make my point, they could all see he had a wife who cared at home, making it a little embarassing to always be slipping out with his coworker... That was lots of fun. Its a long story I won't explain, but later this tight friendship did break up, and the woman's husband, whom I had met only breifly at some previous office party, approached me when I arrived at the company picnic that summer and gave me a great big lingering hug. For giving his wife back, I presume. Yes, that was an adventure, but our marriage was way too broken to be fixed...
I've done 1,2,3 of your above ways but nothing has happened. It only diminishes my feelings but still I have feelings for him. Sometimes I asked God "When can I get over him?" and sometimes I wish my feeling was gone. Good thing you got back with your husband and your husband's woman has reconciled with her husband. You did a great job!

I met him when I was having the worst part of my marriage that was on the verge of breaking up. Too complicated to tell. By the way, even if I avoid him or not talk to him for ages, the feelings just intensified and depression sets in. But if we talk in a friendly way, somehow my feelings lessen and I realize that we're just meant to be best friends. Sounds ironic right? I just can't completely remove him from my life because I'm also stripping away a huge part of me. He makes me happy. It's like he's the one who only entered my so called "inner sacred world" which I never shared to anyone else. Not even myhusband can relate. By the way we are in good terms with my husband, but my romantic feelings for him did not come back. But we are still best friends in everything we do and we're both trying our best for the best of our life especially our kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,271 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Chances are you feel that affection for that person for one reason or another. The sooner you come to realize this reason, the better you'll be. My guess is that you're bored with your current relationship and that playboy represents a carefree lifestyle that you think you would enjoy.
Yeah sort of. But I wouldn't trade my husband either because he is more stable and can be counted on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,271 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
Nah. I think would tell lead you in the same direction as primal instinct, on this one.
Hmmm... primal instinct, primal urges. I'm thinking of animalistic tendencies. Give me a broad definition of it. :p
 
1 - 20 of 67 Posts
Top