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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Forcing an all-or-nothing endgame in a relationship

I am curious how fellow INTPs conclude a relationship to get answers? I've noticed a pattern in my own life, that if a proper closure or conclusion is not achieved (i.e. missing answers to questions like: What happened after we "sorta" broke up? Did you show respect for what we shared?), I proceed to enter what I call a "checkout and checkmate" state of mind.

Normally, I prepare myself by starting with a few heavy drinks so I can loosen up my sense of control and then start communicating with my ex to get a few data points out. Then when I sober up, I do damage control out of guilt, and then proceed with drinking and moving forward with whatever pieces of information are revealed in the process -- until it becomes a vicious circle of spewing off multiple ideas and subtle accusations, and overall a roller coaster of emotions. Problem is, although I stay in control for a bit, in the end I start identifying with this state of mind and cannot exit easily.

The end result is that whatever the ex was withholding as a trump card gets exposed because they don't have the desire to keep holding on to it anymore. The side effect, of permanently severing a connection, doesn't bother me as much. Generally I pull this stunt on someone who wasn't important enough to begin with, so losing them in process of satisfying my curiosity doesn't hurt as much. I've often heard girls say, "I was thinking of returning to you, but after all this I don't want to".

Just thought I'll put this out to see if other INTPs recognize this "technique" (for lack of a better word).

EDIT: change title
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
i didn't understand much of that, but it sounded toxic
It certainly is toxic, because I reach deep into the darkest corners of my mind to look for all possibilities, and it shapes the words I use in the process. It does have the effect of shaking the target even if they just read an email or chat message.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Errr, na. I just bounce.
Ok so it seems like a somewhat deviant maneuver, or perhaps I'm trying to justify it as one. It certainly is toxic to confuse someone in the end to change their entire perception of the relationship, but I was wondering if the source is my INTP-ness or something else.

Perhaps a way of getting revenge by poisoning someone's mind so that in the confusion, to stop it, they become vulnerable themselves.
 

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I think you're getting caught in a Ti-Si loop and you're having trouble exiting. Not sure on how to fix it though.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think you're getting caught in a Ti-Si loop and you're having trouble exiting. Not sure on how to fix it though.
Yes, except that I enter the loop willingly when all else fails. Its just as if I set my brain aside and decide to pour some new liquid into it so it can generate some new ways of getting closure. But I lose control.

The best approach to exist the loop has been to take a break, go over the communication, take notes from older communication (like before we entered the relationship), and find a theoretical consistency in the target's behavior from beginning to the end. That got me out very quickly last time.
 

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I might not be on the same page..

But if it's getting that bad either:

1) The conversation is looooooong over due
2) You have already tried to work things out multiple times and the relationship is just doomed

People piss me off all the time. I used to go ham on them but now I just talk to them when something comes up. Even when I try to give people the benefit of the doubt (or I think I do), I tend to harbor some kind of animosity towards them. Logicz and feelingz can be disconnected sometimes.

edit: typo. wtf, i cant even english.
 

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I have had the same thought of doing such a thing, but I force myself to think if there is a way to salvage a relationship. If not, then I let it out non drunkenly and in a composed manner with a forewarning of not to be interrupted while I'm speaking.
 

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I believe the name for this "technique" is called being an obsessive nut. Whatever closure you think you're getting out of doing this probably isn't doing you any favors. As an alternative, maybe go to an animal shelter and play with some kittens or something.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I believe the name for this "technique" is called being an obsessive nut.
Well said, yes obsession is the correct way to put it, but its more of an obsession for information or knowledge, not the person.

Whatever closure you think you're getting out of doing this probably isn't doing you any favors. As an alternative, maybe go to an animal shelter and play with some kittens or something.
Again, you're on spot. The whole reason I'm discussing this here is to understand what to make of it. Why is it so important for me to find something out from someone who has moved on?
 

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Why is it so important for me to find something out from someone who has moved on?
Because you're viewing the end of the relationship as a failure on your part and you don't know what you did wrong. It's a question without an answer, which is why you're getting hung up on it and obsessing over that information. Sometimes relationships end because you zigged instead of zagged... other times they end because you were just being yourself and the two of you weren't compatible. Either way, the answer is moot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Because you're viewing the end of the relationship as a failure on your part and you don't know what you did wrong. It's a question without an answer, which is why you're getting hung up on it and obsessing over that information. Sometimes relationships end because you zigged instead of zagged... other times they end because you were just being yourself and the two of you weren't compatible. Either way, the answer is moot.
Actually yes, and maybe its coming from my tendency to second guess myself. There has always been a point in my relationships when I did something which felt wrong, and took time to get over with. And I guess my obsession is always to run a simulation to find out what would the outcome be if that hadn't happened.
 

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Actually yes, and maybe its coming from my tendency to second guess myself. There has always been a point in my relationships when I did something which felt wrong, and took time to get over with. And I guess my obsession is always to run a simulation to find out what would the outcome be if that hadn't happened.
To err is human; to royally fuck up is male. It's okay.
 

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To err is human; to royally fuck up is male. It's okay.
If you don't mind, I'm going to plaster this into a quote meme and hang it on my cubicle wall.
 

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If you don't mind, I'm going to plaster this into a quote meme and hang it on my cubicle wall.
Go forth with my blessing, for whatever it is worth. I still haven't figured out how to strangle people over TCP/IP, so I'm short of ways of stopping you anyway.
 

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Question, why do you want to know? Do you want to save the relationship? If someone closes a door on me without much explanation, I figure why should I bother asking after, if they really wanted me to know and if I was still going to be an important friend to them after breaking up, they would tell me. Then again I have ended relationships without much explanation if they hurt too much, one ex made me have this vicious cycle of suicidal thoughts and I out-right told him the way he treated me was making me feel suicidal and that I just couldn't talk to him ever again. Then I started taking appropriate steps to help myself and saw a counselor instead of ruminating over why it wasn't working.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Question, why do you want to know? Do you want to save the relationship? If someone closes a door on me without much explanation, I figure why should I bother asking after, if they really wanted me to know and if I was still going to be an important friend to them after breaking up, they would tell me.
My only obsession is to find out if my own theory for why the relationship failed is correct or not. I can't do that alone, but also don't have the patience to wait.
 

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Ok so it seems like a somewhat deviant maneuver, or perhaps I'm trying to justify it as one. It certainly is toxic to confuse someone in the end to change their entire perception of the relationship, but I was wondering if the source is my INTP-ness or something else.

Perhaps a way of getting revenge by poisoning someone's mind so that in the confusion, to stop it, they become vulnerable themselves.

I wouldn't call it revenge, but more dealing with the passive aggressive truth that so many others hide behind...

whether they're seeking to avoid confrontation or merely dressing up the scene with social niceties..

whereas I generally need "closure" to move on.

If they're breaking up with me, then I need to know the why. Hells, if I'm breaking up with them, I still need to know the why... because it's usually of passive aggressive bullshit that they presume I should magically know without them ever telling me...

as so many rely on inane shit like "you should have known when I started combing my hair to the left instead of the right like I normally do... "
 
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