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Discussion Starter #1
My bf, who is a 7, often makes statements about other women being 'sexy, beautiful, hot, delicious' etc. This normally wouldn't bother me, but none of them looked anything like me. He made an off-handed comment when we first started dating about a girl at the gym who he thought was 'smoking hot'. She looks skeletally thin to me. I thought, 'if that's what he thinks is hot, i must look like a total cow to him'. This led to a 6mo eating disorder, exercise and diet pill abuse. I got down to a size 4, which he said he appreciated. I became obsessed with the girl at the gym, tormenting myself that i'd never look like that, fantasizing that if I could just stop eating, i could be thin enough to be really hot to him. He likes (and comments on) tall, long-legged, very slim, flat-chested women. I am average height, muscular, with short legs and a broader frame.

I vary between self-hatred for not being his 'type' and hating him and wanting to hurt him. I act vague and unavailable to mess with him. I go places with him, constantly scanning the room for tall, thin women that I can compare myself to and torment myself over then I act like a bitch to punish him.

I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong.

He admitted to me that he really wants to sleep with his massage therapist, and that i shouldn't be angry because "i'm not going to do it". he feels like as long as it's not something he acts on, it's ok. he thinks i'm crazy because he's never been anything but good to me, which is true. he's a loving, affectionate, generous, fun partner. But this is making me want to run away.

how can i help myself? advice, please. i'm sure other 4s know what i'm talking about.
 

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no offense, but if he doesn't like you for who you are and your not happy in this relationship then you shouldn't be dating him. age-old advice, very true indeed.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
it's not that simple, we love each other. aside from this issue we have a pretty happy relationship. i don't feel special, he claims i'm the most special because he's with me and no one else. i don't want to junk a great relationship over this issue but it's driving me crazy.
 

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I could be wrong but it sounds like he may be testing you. Some people will see what lengths someone will go to just to stay with them. It's a control issue that feeds his ego. He has the nerve to say he's attracted to other women but won't cheat on you, as if now you owe him something for his "sacrifice" to you. More control. A decent guy wouldn't have even brought up how "hot" other women look to him. I'd tell him "This is who I am, take it or leave it". He may be one of those guys who's intimidated by your independence & self-respect so he has to try to chip away at it. Maybe he's not strong enough to allow you to be strong. I've seen that so many times. Anyway, that's my take, I could be totally off track but it sounds much like a situation I've seen so many times over the years & more often than not the other person isn't worth the trouble.
 

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sounds like a really crappy person, no offense...

my very dear friend has a similar thing going on with her bf, she's a natural blonde, but he's into fake blonds, ya know...he's always staring at other women, leaving her little reminders of his former girlfriends who had "beautiful long legs", but he loves her all the same, and she shoud be happy that he chose her, and not all those other women that he constantly leers at and "casually" mentions

puh-leeze, what a load of crock

yes, there's so much loooove, he "appreciates" the fact that you jeopardized your health by not eating properly and stuffing yourself with chemicals and gawd knows what so you can be thin for him, mind you...does he show concern, sympathy, caring? no, he appreciates it

i'm really pissed off right now
 

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Discussion Starter #6
true.

but do you, as a four, have bouts of envy and then competition and hatred as a result? as a kid i always felt like i would lose at whatever i tried, that giving my best would always end in me being a loser. so i just stopped trying altogether.

i choose situations where i will feel like a 'winner' and if i'm forced into a situation where i have to compete i either drop out so i won't lose or i become hypercompetitive.

maybe this should be a different thread. my point is that i feel incredibly competitive not only with my boyfriend, but with all of his perceived desires. i haaaaaaaate it.
 

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Sounds like kind of a douche if you ask me. Regardless of how attractive you find someone else when you're in a relationship you just DON'T say anything to your s.o. about them. That's just plain rude and disrespectful. If he says he loves you then that should be it! He shouldn't add in other things like "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" What the hell is the purpose in saying that????

I don't get this guy. I think you're very pretty and I'd leave it at that.

Good luck with him.
 
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"I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong."

No offense, but it sounds like he's manipulating you, just to get what HE wants ( having you and fantasising about other women). It's incredibly selfish, idiotic and not how a guy with a tiny peice of decency would NOT do that to his girlfriend. "Why it isn't good enough for you" is possibly the worst thing he could have said. I mean, really, he admits wanting to sleep with other people, he express his desire for them IN FRONT OF YOU, and he wonders why you're not satisfied?

Many women ruin their relationship by manifesting uncalled for jaleousy, and not trusting their mens, and it's their faults. But in your case, it's justified because, for christ's sake, he TELLS YOU that he's turned on by others than you*. If he really loved you, he would not do that, he would not even THINK about other girls.

You claimed that you both loved each other, and perhaps this is true, but I'm afraid that love is far from enough to keep a relationship going, or make a healthy one. X can love Y, but if X cheats, beats or mistreats Y in any way, then it's not worth it. You love each other, but he does not seem do fulfill his obligation as a boyfriend, and there's all there should be to it.

As type fours, yes we are going to be extremly jaleous of other persons, and I know that when I was in past relationships, I always fell on the bad habit of comparing myself to other girls personality wise, and felt jalousy when someone seemed more interesting, unique, or special that I was. I would then plan A Self-improvement Mouvement on my part(but being too laxy to actually acheive my goals...). I have learned to hide my jalousy, keep it to myself, because honestly, tantrums of jalousy are petty, particularly when the others didn't intend to bring you down, make you feel inferior. Your case is different, however, because you have a reason to feel jalous; your boyfriend is the one provocating all of this. I'm positive that even the least jalous person would feel inferior when their lover is commenting about other women, expressing their desire in front of them.

And just WHY ON EARTH would your boyfriend appreciate that you lost weight? Why would he even care about your weight if he loved you? It sounds really superficial. A SO should only care about your personality, about the chemestry you have with each other. Neither of you is perfect, and in a good relationship that is compatible, you accept each other's flaws, but why even appreciate the fact that you changed a bit in terms of apparence?Seems like he's thinking about weight matters like flaws, qualities. How disgusting how him. Would he have loved you any less if you didn't lose weight?

It's all your boyfriend's fault, IMO. the "why is isnt good enough for you" is way to avoid taking responsability, turning the blame on you when he's the one causing your jalousy by commenting on other girls. There's two possibilities: 1) he's not aware of how much pain he is causing you or 2)He's aware but he continues anyway. If it's option one, well, how much of a good relationship it is if he does not understand you? If it's option two, well, he's not considering your feelings, which is bad in a relationship.

You should attempt to talk things calmly with him, saying that you want him to stop making comments about other girls, sort of like an ultimatium. That is, if you really want to this to work. Honestly, I don't know you, but you surely deserve better. In your shoes, I would have dumped him ages ago.
 

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My bf, who is a 7, often makes statements about other women being 'sexy, beautiful, hot, delicious' etc. This normally wouldn't bother me, but none of them looked anything like me. He made an off-handed comment when we first started dating about a girl at the gym who he thought was 'smoking hot'. She looks skeletally thin to me. I thought, 'if that's what he thinks is hot, i must look like a total cow to him'. This led to a 6mo eating disorder, exercise and diet pill abuse. I got down to a size 4, which he said he appreciated. I became obsessed with the girl at the gym, tormenting myself that i'd never look like that, fantasizing that if I could just stop eating, i could be thin enough to be really hot to him. He likes (and comments on) tall, long-legged, very slim, flat-chested women. I am average height, muscular, with short legs and a broader frame.

I vary between self-hatred for not being his 'type' and hating him and wanting to hurt him. I act vague and unavailable to mess with him. I go places with him, constantly scanning the room for tall, thin women that I can compare myself to and torment myself over then I act like a bitch to punish him.

I confronted him about it, and he said, "no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" But it isn't good enough. It's making me crazy, and miserable. I throw jealous tantrums if I think he finds someone else more attractive or sexually desirable. Or I pout and sulk and make him wonder what's wrong.

He admitted to me that he really wants to sleep with his massage therapist, and that i shouldn't be angry because "i'm not going to do it". he feels like as long as it's not something he acts on, it's ok. he thinks i'm crazy because he's never been anything but good to me, which is true. he's a loving, affectionate, generous, fun partner. But this is making me want to run away.

how can i help myself? advice, please. i'm sure other 4s know what i'm talking about.



It does indeed seem like he is testing you but at the same time I think he is very insensitive to your feelings, maybe up to the point that it amuses him to tease you like this. I think you should confront him again and tell him that if he really loves you he should stop acting like this and that it is hurting your relationship. It's only natural that you feel so insecure when he acts like that.
 

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I'm sorry but is your boyfriend somehow retarded? It's the world's oldest dating rule to not to tell your partner how good-looking you think everyone else are.

I know I'm very envious and jealous in my relationships. This is why I don't hang around with douches who will only use this trait for making themselves feel better. I want my significant other to be well-balanced (because I'm not :D). I can't date another drama queen because that woud be only a disaster where everyone gets hurt.

"no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" <- This isn't good enough! You can have a boyfriend who loves you AND thinks you're smoking hot.

Just last week I told my boyfriend that I've gained some weight and I have to start a diet. He answered that he doesn't think I've gained weight and that he loves my figure. That's what every normal human being would have answered. Your partner is supposed to make you feel good and not feed your insecurities.

Which reminds me that I really have to start losing that weight...
 

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I'm sorry but is your boyfriend somehow retarded? It's the world's oldest dating rule to not to tell your partner how good-looking you think everyone else are.

I know I'm very envious and jealous in my relationships. This is why I don't hang around with douches who will only use this trait for making themselves feel better. I want my significant other to be well-balanced (because I'm not :D). I can't date another drama queen because that woud be only a disaster where everyone gets hurt.

"no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU. I'm with YOU. You're my best friend. Why isn't that good enough for you?" <- This isn't good enough! You can have a boyfriend who loves you AND thinks you're smoking hot.

Just last week I told my boyfriend that I've gained some weight and I have to start a diet. He answered that he doesn't think I've gained weight and that he loves my figure. That's what every normal human being would have answered. Your partner is supposed to make you feel good and not feed your insecurities.

Which reminds me that I really have to start losing that weight...
As a side tangent;

"no, you're not the prettiest, thinnest, or smartest girl i've ever dated. But I love YOU". Actually the first person I dated said something similiar to this to me, and I didn't feel offended whatsoever. I thought it was perfect and beautiful because of how honest it was. I don't want to be told i'm the most gorgeous, wonderful person he's ever met. Because statistically, it wouldn't be true. I want to know if he can see behind all that (appearance, intelligence, qualities) to appreciate the me that is beyond how intelligent, beautiful etc I may be. Because it simply cannot cannot be qualified or compared to anything else. It cannot be subjected to judgments; good, bad, attractive, wonderful etc. It just is. And lays waiting to be found.

It feels so good to be secure in who you are.
 

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He admitted to me that he really wants to sleep with his massage therapist, and that i shouldn't be angry because "i'm not going to do it".
well i see that as a sign of him trying to be honest to u about his feelings and fantasies because even if u r with the sexiest partner, u ll always fantasize about someone else, not because u r not good enough but because it's different, and i think it's better for him to share these things with u than to keep it inside.
He likes (and comments on) tall, long-legged, very slim, flat-chested women. I am average height, muscular, with short legs and a broader frame.
that's wat concerns me because apparently he's not attracted to u physically though it seems like u two have a good connection so he will feel like he is sacrificing much to be with u or doing u a favor or something and that will make him having the upper hand in the relationship and that's not fair to u, u need to be appreciated physically and emotionally, so i guess u should call that relationship off ,i know that u might mess the connection that u ve had with him but it's not going to work, actually i ve been in a similar situation before and i know that's the best thing to do for u and him.
 

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I was in a similar situation with a type 6 ex. (and with an even more similar reaction, unfortunately, complete with the eating disorder as well) This person would even bring up hot girls and exes during sex...which I found to be unbelievably unacceptable.
I refused to put up with this and what helped me was figuring out that I deserved better and deciding to seek it out. I realized that this person wouldn't change and that this situation was ultimately bringing me down. I broke up out of respect for myself.

I know our situations are probably different as well and I think that the best thing you can do (especially as 4) is to believe in yourself know that you deserve to be respected. Bring it up to him and tell him that this is unacceptable.
 

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I know what you mean. If you didn't like him so much you'd probably just curse him the fuck out and give it to his ass straight up.
Lol well that's what I'd do anyway.
Basically, the dude doesn't get you. he sounds like he ain't too deep emotionally and consequently ain't able to realize how his comments can even bother you.
You are just on different levels.
 

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Yeah, I see this as more of a respect issue than a jealousy one. It's not a matter of him pretending you're the prettiest girl in the world, it's a matter of avoiding something which makes his partner feel bad. Maybe some couples (the minority, I'd venture to guess) are cool with such frequent & explicit comments on other people they find attractive, but that does not make it normal or healthy. It strikes me as manipulative in this case. He's managed to lower your self-esteem (which will actually attach you to him more - the desired effect), and he's managed to get you to alter your body for him. It's very much a control/ego thing behind these comments, IMO. How hard would it be for him to just not say it? There's a reason he continues to do it.

I'd also be concerned with a partner who thinks it's okay to dwell on attractions to other people so much that he is vocalizing them. Cheating starts in the mind, IMO. Fleeting thoughts of other people is normal and rather unavoidable, but full fledged fantasies seem to be going to into "I'd cheat if I knew I could get away with it" territory mentally.

That said, I happily don't seem to have relationships which incur intense jealousy or a competitive spirit. I don't find my 4 envy to be quite so literal. I think this is more a case of an unhealthy relationship dynamic....
 

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Don't make it so complicated involving so many feelings. Just tell him it bothers you when he makes those kind of comments.

Make sure he understands your serious and make it to the point.

If he pulls that shi* again dump his ass cause he apparently doesn't care enough to consider your feelings.

As a guy, I'd never say something like that in front of my girl, because I know its an entire flustercluck of emotions.
 

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This is exactly what a guy did to an ex friend of mine. It ended with her tanning so much she looks like leather, dying her hair peroxide blonde, comparing herself to other women and not even allowing him to watch movies with pretty actresses in them. It's not okay for him to constantly say such things. It's one thing, if it's honesty and just a one time thing, like Nova said. Consistently, though? No. He wants you to know that you should feel special that he still likes you ANYWAY.

As far as this goes? I'm not very competitive at all. Of course, I look at really pretty girls and get a little jealous, but normally it's just a twinge that passes and doesn't really affect me.
 

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I had always assumed 4s (based on the enneagram descriptions) to be really crazy, but your response is not crazy at all. The fault lies with him, not you.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I was in a similar situation with a type 6 ex. (and with an even more similar reaction, unfortunately, complete with the eating disorder as well) This person would even bring up hot girls and exes during sex...which I found to be unbelievably unacceptable.
he is a 7w6.....so maybe that's a part of it?

thanks for all the support and comments. i really appreciate them.
 
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